Insights Into The Male Mind - Why Men Commit

  

The Relationships Men Commit to and Why

Being able to retain his freedom after getting 

married is important

to virtually every man. 

That doesn't meant that he still wants to play 

the dating game, but it does mean that he 

wants time with his friends and the

ability to 

pursue his own interests. If you can show your 

man that you

want exactly the same thing, he'll 

be more likely to want to enter into a

more 

committed relationship with you. The easiest 

way to show him is to

encourage him to follow 

his own passions, while you do the same. He'll 

love that you are supportive and also he'll 

enjoy your independence. One

of the clear 

answers to the question of what makes a man 

 

commit is

honesty. Men want to spend their 

lives with women who are completely

honest 

with them. That means you need to be honest 

about what is going

on in your life but you also 

need to be honest when he asks for your

advice 

or input on things. If your man asks your 

opinion on something,

be as genuine as you can 

be with your reply, without being critical of 

him. Constant, unwavering support is the  

foundation for every long lasting relationship 

so ensure your man knows that he has yours.

An interview that takes us to the depths of unknown territory: into the male mind.

Jonathon

Aslay is a relationships coach based in LA.  This media sensation is a

confidant and guide to women world-wide. He

has the inside scoop on the male mind—because he has one—but carries

with him the sensitivity and compassionate listening ability that is

more culturally female. His book entitled The Relationships Men Commit

to and Why is a guide to getting to know the other half of the human

species. Our conversation touches on many of the subjects in the book.

Throughout the interview, we laughed knowingly, both being “seasoned” in

the relationship arena.

I had always thought it was sexist to believe that men and women

were all that different until I was called on to raise my son solo since

being widowed when he was 11. He is now 25. I have since gotten the

sense that we are sometimes two distinct species. Can you explain your

take on the similarities and differences?

Jonathon Aslay: Where

do we begin? Let’s talk about the 25-year-old for the moment and what

seems to happen in relationships. I think in the early stages, for men

18-30, they’re just making their way in the world, and they are highly

driven

from a sexual perspective when it comes to women. We’re not in that

place that is ready to take on full blown relationships and commitment,

where women come

from the place of once they have had sex with a man, they bond with him.

Chemicals such as oxytocin are released, and their desire for

commitment and security happens. That’s one of the differences that

happen in that age bracket. Men are driven by testosterone and the drive

to make it out in the world. Then we have to take it into different

stages.

It's difficult to generalise all men without looking at waht they are in their lives.

One of the issues that come up for most of the women I coach who are

dating men over 35, and my “sweet spot” might be women dating men

between 40-55; there’s a whole different dynamic going on. The

differences might be where they are socially and economically: are they

going through a divorce? Men might be dealing with the financial aspects

of that, which could be alimony and child support,  and women might be raising children.





Fundamentally, we all want love. Men want love just as much as women

and we really want relationship as much as women do. We are more

similar. I said in a Facebook post “Know your audience.” Where are they

coming from in their lives? Know what you want in relationship and know

your audience. Can he fit into your life instead of trying to mold yourself into his?

What are the communication styles that women and men use that

sometimes require an interpreter, or what I call “the universal

translator”?

J.A.: This can be an interview in and of itself. I

will take a particular thing that I see so often in my coaching

practice. It happens with texting. I notice a habit that when a men

sends a text: “How’re you doing?” a  woman might write back a novel, sharing her entire day, in volumes of

information. His response is, “That’s great.” That’s one dynamic that I

see happening. Women have a tendency to give a lot more information,

especially from an emotional or experiential perspective, where men tend

to be more logical. To really trigger a man’s brain, ask him a thinking question rather than a feeling or emotional question or vice versa.

If there was one thing you would like women to truly understand about men, what would that be?

J.A.: I used to say men are very simple,

but the reality is, that our lives might be complicated. In that there

might be different layers and facets in where they’re at in their lives,

based on their profession, what might be going on with past

relationships? Look at a person’s lifestyle. Men are simple, but if

their lives are complicated, they’re going to be complicated.

What makes it seem like men fear commitment?

J.A.: One of the differences is that women tend to

get to the destination much sooner than men do. Remember I said that

women bond to man as a result of those chemicals like oxytocin? They’re

looking for that security and/or commitment and reach that point much

sooner than men. What happens is that it might take a man much longer to

get to that point and in that space it may feel like he fears

commitment. He just hasn’t reached the destination at the same time. Let

me just dovetail here, Edie; I can go into a whole thing about avoiders

and attachers and attachment styles that might also seem like one of

the reasons there are differences.







Often times men might not communicate on an emotional level, and when

women are used to talking to their girlfriends on an emotional level,

they are not getting fed in that capacity. They feel as though a man is

not at the same place as they are. If men tend to avoid emotional

conversation, that might give the appearance that they fear commitment.





Let

me just say this: Men who are happy in relationships tend to nest. If

he feels happy with the woman and he feels like he can be her hero and

they share regular activities

together and have regular intimacy together; he’s not going anywhere. He

just may not focus on the destination the same way a woman does.

Someone had mentioned something recently, that once a man is

sexually intimate with a woman, chemical changes take place and

testosterone level drops and he becomes more paternal, more like father

material.

J.A.: I don’t have the data to back this up, but from what I understand is that about the time a

man starts hitting 38 and then beyond, his testosterone levels begin to

decrease and estrogen levels increase. It might be that, but I don’t

have the factual data. Literally, 10 minutes ago Sheri and I were just

talking about that very same thing for an interview she was doing and we

were trying to find that research.





I also think that men become more connected to their hearts as they

get older. When a man is more connected to his heart, he is more humble,

more thoughtful and in that capacity is more nurturing as well. I know

it personally for myself. Testosterone is a chemical that drives us and

fuels our ego. When we are in ego, we are in the ‘me’ state, but when

testosterone drops, we are less “me” and start letting that “we” lead in.

I

noticed that you had wonderful role models in your parents for a

life-long loving relationship, as I had as well which I imagine

set the standard for your relationships. Is it possible to break

longstanding negative generational patterns in relationships?

J.A.: The answer is yes, that anything is possible. For some people, if they grew up in

poverty, per se, they are driven internally for having success

financially. The same holds true if they were brought up in a difficult

home. What happens though is that our blueprint for our lives is

predicated and dictated by what we’ve learned. I think of my parents and

glorify them now, but when I was growing up, I didn’t really pay much

attention to how their relationship was.





What I picked up on were the negative things and rarely picked up on the positive. I think that’s human nature.





I

think that whether you grow up in a fairly happy home or a

difficult home, we’re going to pick up on the negative cues, more so

than the positive cues. The blueprint I had was, “go to college, get a

job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family.” I had no

blueprint for how to make a relationship work and had no clue how my

parents made it work, and the same thing holds

true for those who had difficult relationships. As we get older and

start to experience relationships for ourselves, we learn by trial and

error. It depends on what we want. Oftentimes men and women have

the greatest challenge because they don’t have any clarity on what they

want in relationship. They have the idea that they want it.

I like to say that relationships are not 50/50; they are 100/100.

100 percent what each person brings to it: all of who you are, your

history, desires and baggage included.

J.A.: I say the same thing in my book: The Relationships Men Commit to and Why. In fact, I call it the love pie.

In that pie, you come in 100 percent to your half and the woman comes

in 100 percent to her half. What I actually recommend to women is

that they actually hold back a little bit, because women have a

tendency to give 100 percent to his half. It’s especially that belief

that “if I love him more, he’ll love me back.” I recommend energetically

holding back one percent and in that one percent a man will chase.





We men need a little bit of that chase all the time.





I asked my mom, “How did you guys make it work?” and she said, “I

always made your dad work for it.” She meant it energetically, but she

never gave more than he gave to the relationship.

My parents were married nearly 52 years when my dad died in 2008 and

my mom joined him in 2010, and I asked the same question since they

came from some divergent backgrounds. Their answer was, “We loved each

other and that’s what mattered.” When they were celebrating their 50^th

anniversary and I officiated at their vow renewal ceremony, I asked my

dad the secret to the longevity of their marriage and his response was,

“Your mother is always right.”

Do women really need to adopt traditional roles like Steve Harvey contends in order to attract a man?

J.A.:

It’s been so long since I have read his book.

He has what he calls the 90-day period. It doesn’t matter how long you

wait. It doesn’t mean there is any guarantee of commitment whether it is

on the first date or 90 days, but I am always of the belief of

developing a friendship first, because that is what carries a

relationship for the long term. When we talk about traditional roles, I

remember when I was dating and a woman said, "I'm a traditional woman," I

would get frustrated because I said, “I live in the 21^st

century.” What does that really mean? Do you want to go back to the old

way of doing things or you like some of the old things? I’m saying that

tongue and cheek.







What I subscribe to is: don’t give your heart until you really

believe that he seriously, genuinely wants a relationship with you and

you have developed a friendship. As far as giving up your body, that’s a

whole other topic. I’ve known people who had sex on the first date and

have been married 20 years. The bodies are buried of people who had sex

on one date and never called each other ever again. If you’re a woman,

be careful of sleeping with a guy too soon, because of the oxytocin that

bonds you to a guy that you might not even like.





I

have my ten-date rule. Rarely do relationships today get past the

first, second or third date. If you get past the 10th date with a guy,

chances are, you are going to have enough information on him to make a

fairly informed decision. At that point, you are probably going to have

sex somewhere in between. And if you have gotten to that point, chances

are you’ll at least jump on the relationship train track where you are

going to be exclusive and monogamous for at least 6-12 weeks.





Most relationship have a 90-day probationary period, like jobs. Every woman I have ever

spoken to whose relationship ended said the same thing: “I knew in the

first few weeks he wasn’t right for me, but I went for it anyway.”

As is the central theme of When Harry Met Sally: can men and women really be friends without tumbling into romantic interaction?

J.A.:

The more mature both people are, absolutely they can be friends. If

they’ve been former lovers and one still carries a torch, it can

still be an issue. But if they’ve never had sex, absolutely.

I’m still friends with some with who I’ve been in a romantic

relationship and some are platonic friends who are like brothers that I

wouldn’t get involved with sexually.

J.A.: Some men and women might fantasize about it

and go, “We’re such great friends; I wonder what it would be like to

have sex?” I think of the Seinfeld episode with Elaine and Jerry who

said, “we have such good this, why don’t we try this?” We don’t want to give up this, in case this

doesn’t work. It comes from a space of, “are we there for each other?”

You’re very good friends with a man and now you’re in this excellent

relationship with a new man. Understand that we men are territorial, so

if you have this good relationship with another man, it can create huge

challenges in the relationship you are in. I would have clarity in

defining that relationship.

I know you have a wonderful relationship with Sheri Meyers (author of Chatting Or Cheating)

and the two of you are quite public about it in social media. What are

the upsides and downsides of couples talking with and about each other

via Facebook?

J.A.:

That’s a good one. We met through Facebook and we have adopted what we

call a Social Media Pre-nup

when it comes to some of the private information that we share. Because

social media is a consistent part of our lives and we have developed so

many friendships with other people, it’s on the days that we’re

apart—we spend about four days together and the other three days I spend

with my children—that it tends to be a nice little way of keeping in

touch with each other. It may be through a Facebook post or instant

message. I

can tell you how it could be a challenge in other relationships,

especially if you are friends with past lovers. Let’s say your

relationship is in trouble and you’re having some difficulties and

you’re going to Facebook to feed that energy.

It’s very classy the way that the two of you do it, that you are supporting each other and are each other’s cheerleaders.

J.A.: We continually support each other because we

use social media professionally. That makes us different than the

average couple. It can be addictive and sometimes we do have our

challenges that we are feeding the Facebook energy more than our own relationship.

Now’s the time for you to brag a bit…what is it about you that allows women to trust you and confide in you?

J.A.: I think it’s because I’m part chick. It means I

can communicate and live in that level. I’m relational, I desire

relationship. What makes me a unique coach is that I’ve experienced a lot of what my clients go through. I tend to

be more of an anxious attachment style and I’ve been in relationships

in the past with women who were in avoidant attachment style. I know

what it feels like when you send a text and get no response back or the

boyfriend needs space. I know how to tap into the feeling, but I also

know what it took for me to overcome those.





In

addition, what makes me a unique coach (and I do want to brag

about this) is that I talk about real life, real issues and real

relationships. My life experience has prepared me to help women

understand men in this capacity. I’ve been married, had to deal with

divorce, went through all those challenges and I had to go back out

there. Add to that, I went from being an insurance broker to being a

dating and relationships coach. I found love in the process.

Bonus question: What does it take to put the toilet seat down? I saw

that you had that as a Facebook post based on my sending you this

question in advance.

J.A.: You saw how I responded with the question:

“Why don’t women put it up for us?” How do we resolve power struggles

and differences in our relationships?  It’s really an opportunity to

examine your communication  style. Truth be told, it’s kind of a trivial thing. If we look it at a

deeper level, is the guy being thoughtful and conscious? I’ve had plenty

of times when I have forgotten to put the toilet seat down, but does

that make me a bad guy? How do we resolve our differences and power

struggles?