Love Knows No Gender Difference

 Think married men and women show their love in vastly different ways? Not necessarily.

Although popular culture reinforces the stereotype that there's a gender gap when it comes to expressing affection, few studies have actually tested the notion.

A small new study suggests, however, that men are just as likely as women to be openly affectionate. The study, which also identified some differences between the sexes, was published recently in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

"Men and women are actually more similar in the ways they express love than they are different," said study author Elizabeth Schoenfeld, a researcher at the University of Texas in Austin. "But we also learned that, even in the wake of feminism, wives express love by being less assertive and more accommodating, while husbands show love by initiating sex or sharing activities together."

The study involved 168 couples in first marriages living in rural central Pennsylvania. Data was collected in initial interviews, followed by telephone interviews in which husbands and wives separately reported activities and interactions. The interviews occurred within two months of when each couple was married and then annually, with a final set of interviews conducted after 13 years of marriage.

At the conclusion of the study, 105 of the original couples were still married, three were widowed and 56 were divorced. Almost all of the participants were white, and more than half had a high school education.

Contrary to some common gender stereotypes, the research showed that the more men loved their wives, the more likely they were to be affectionate. They were also more likely to involve their spouses in their leisure activities and in household chores. Love did not, however, mean a husband did more chores around the house or was more eager to relieve his wife of the chores for which she was responsible.

The researchers found, in general, that a husband's love may create an environment in which the couple does a variety of things together. The more husbands loved their wives, the more likely they were to initiate sex. For wives, though, increased love for their husbands meant they were actually less likely to make the first move.

Why would that be? "If a wife is feeling unloved, it could be that she is attempting to kick-start the marriage," Schoenfeld said.

Wives' love was less associated with interest in joint activities, and relied more on expressions of love. More love also was associated with greater accommodation to husbands' moods and needs.

"Biting their tongues, letting men initiate sex more often, showing a willingness to allow men to assert themselves a little more -- this is what we saw when women were more in love," Schoenfeld explained.

Some experts believe differences between men and women in marriage are typically overemphasized.

"There aren't too many real gender and sex differences between men and women on the whole," said Stevie Yap, a researcher in the department of psychology at Michigan State University in East Lansing. "If you look at the overall research, gender differences don't usually hold up."

Yap, who recently published research on happiness and marriage in the Journal of Research and Personality, found that although matrimony doesn't tend to make people happier than they were when they were single, it appears to protect against declines in happiness that can occur in adulthood.

Yap said only a few gender differences actually have been shown by research to be real: men tend to be physically stronger and more sexually active, and have a greater tendency toward aggression. He said that even these three characteristics, however, can be affected by socialization and experience.

Schoenfeld, too, thinks differences between the sexes have been exaggerated.

"Don't be fooled by popular stereotypes," she said. "Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. We are all on planet Earth."

Reasons to Not Be Afraid of Therapy

It seems that over the years, somewhere along the way the notion of therapy was distorted into an unappealing, nightmarish image that somehow lingered in our lexicon enough to produce the common stereotype of therapy that could not be farther from the truth. Those infamous six words, "how does that make you feel?" have been padded down so deeply into our consciousness that it's difficult to think of anything but the stern, spectacle-wearing therapist peering over a desk while we recline vulnerably on a large leather couch.

It seems that this cliché has garnered a long list of reasons (or perhaps excuses) through time that have made us avoid, almost fear, seeking this kind of help: therapists are invasive and judgmental, they force you to talk about your feelings for hours on end, they show you ink blots and ask you what they remind you of, they ask you about your mom even if it's irrelevant, they're a bunch of all-around emotionless freaks who can't respond to any statement without asking that dreaded question.

I would like to offer five reasons to break this picture, confirm the fact that, as a well experienced therapy attendee, therapy is none of the above. Rather, it is a productive way to channel your emotional energy, something you should try at least once in your life, however many times you might have insisted to others and to yourself that "it's just not for me."

1. Anonymity - while friends can be supportive, they might sometimes slip up, perhaps leaking something you told them in confidence, especially if they are, or have mutual friends with, your ex. Therapists are sworn to confidentiality. Unless you are consistently alluding to taking destructive or self-destructive actions, anything you say during your session will never be repeated again. Unless you want it to be.

2. Control - how many situations do you have where you have the opportunity to talk about yourself and only yourself? A therapy session is an uninterrupted span of time where you get to talk about you and only you. And I know what you're thinking and the answer is no, it is not selfish to have the urge to talk about yourself for an hour or so every week. It is healthy, and it is also very human. After all, there's always a lot to say.

3. Consistency - a good friend told me recently that throughout her difficult childhood, her therapist was the only adult figure in her life that was always present when she needed her to be. Sometimes, when our lives feel like they're unraveling, and we can't seem to get a solid grasp on anything, a little sense of predictability can do wonders.

4. Support- a therapist is on your side. They might not always agree with what you say, some might even offer a rebuttal, simply to make you think, but they are always on your team. They want to help you, to see you happy, to help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. They strive for you to become reacquainted with your self-worth, and are there to guide you through finding it, no matter how long and winding the process may be.

5. No pressure - in my experience "on the couch," I have never once heard a therapist ask me how something made me feel. When I went to therapy, I would go through many sessions without once mentioning my emotions, or my childhood, or anything that therapists are believed to prod at. Most of the time, we would just have conversations, mutual, benign yet engaging interactions, a dialogue that could have just as easily occurred in a restaurant or coffee shop. I felt, miraculously enough, like a human talking to another human.

Things the Golden Girls Taught Us About Love

 

 I was recently visiting a friend and he had mentioned how happy he was that they had finally put Coach on Netflix Instant so that he could relive the hilarity of such a classic show. And while I agree with that Coach is indeed a classic program from the golden age of the sitcom, in my mind there is only one television show from the late '80s that deserves to even be called a show. That, my dear friends, is of course The Golden Girls. Now while the concept of this show may be off putting to some (four single women over fifty sharing a house in Miami together), once you delve into this show, you will find that not only is it one of the greatest works of the late 20th century (okay, a bit hyperbolic, but I am kind of a fan) but also one can glean so many lessons about life and love from the show. 

Love Lesson Number One: "How to handle seeing your ex with grace": (Season 1 - Episode 2: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding)

Now for those of you who have never seen the show, one of the main characters Dorothy Zbornak (as portrayed by Bea Arthur), was divorced by her husband over the phone two years prior. Her husband left her for someone "Half my age and twice my bra size". In this episode her daughter is getting married and forced to deal with the fact that her ex-husband has to attend per her daughter's wishes. Through the teeth grinding awkwardness, she mostly maintains class and decorum, with the single exception of brandishing a knife and threatening to kill him. And her crowning achievement of surviving this experience is that she finally gets to say what she was feeling to the man who hurt her most. Most of us have had to be in close social interaction with our ex partners; through either mutual friends or bumping into them at a party. In these situations, though, it is vital to have your friends with you to keep you sane as well. It is also important stand tall and proud while also being ready to tell them off in the style of an uninterrupted monologue.

Best line of the episode:

Stan: "Come on Sophia! We can catch up on old times!"

Sophia: "No, we can't. I had a stroke. Luckily my memories of you were wiped clean."

Love Lesson Number Two: "Your parents have your back though it may not seem like it": (Season 3 - Episode 9: Blanche's Little Girl)

This episode teaches us that while you may have your differences with them, your parents can be a well-spring of relationship advice. Blanche's daughter comes to visit, and she brings with her her fiance, a man who treats her with considerable disdain and is downright mean to her. When Blanche's daughter Rebecca expresses to her mother that she feels she can not do any better than this balding asshole, Blanche consoles her daughter by telling her that she can do so much better. And though she was mad at first, Rebecca realizes that her mother's words came from a place of deep caring, so she dumps that douche faster and their mother-daughter bond becomes stronger than ever. Now this advice may be pretty vague, but when you are struggling in your relationship (and assuming your relationship with your parents is conducive to this sort of conversation) ask your parents. They are more experienced and know more about the facts of life then you think.
Best line of the episode:
Sophia: "So, you're Blanche's daughter. The model. What did you model? Car covers?" 

 

Lesson Number Three: "Don't ever compete with your friends for the affections of the same person." (Season 4 - Episode 1: Yes, We Have No Havanas)

There is nothing wrong with some healthy competition but there are certainly areas in life where it does not belong. Your love life is one of them. In this episode, Blanche and Sophia enter into a death match over the same man, Fidel Santiago. Miguel is a Cuban playboy who attempts to fulfill the needs of every woman he meets. The two of them spend the entire episode wooing Fidel while at the same time whipping hilarious barbs at one another. But, sadly, Miguel dies of a heart attack. While at the funeral they realize that he has been actually sleeping with about twenty other women, so their competition was fruitless and all is resolved. We all have enough to worry about in our daily lives, and competing over a man with friends is completely unnecessary. Take your friendships seriously and hold them close. They will be there when your lover drops dead. Also, consider the fact that a man is willing to date the two of you at the same time. This says something deeply disturbing about his character, and you don't need that jank in your life.
Best line of the episode:
Blanche: "Blanche DeVereaux has never shared a man!"
Sophia: "...or a pizza." 

 

Lesson Number Four: "A strictly physical relationship is not a long term solution to loneliness" (Season 4 - Episode 14: Love Me Tender)

This episode pertains to the love life of Dorothy. Dorothy, sadly, is a desperate lonely school teacher who hasn't been on a date in six months. Thus, she is my favorite character. Anyway, her mother signed her up for a dating service when she sees the ad for it while riding the bus. Of course, she doesn't use Dorothy's actual photograph but instead uses the picture that came with her wallet. But the man she gets from this dating service is a pasty, bald and hideously depressing man who says things like: "I was going to cancel [the date] but my therapist wouldn't let me. Oh well, I guess I have to feed you." But what Eddie lacks in physical appeal and personality, he makes up for it with an extremely strong sexual prowess. At first this produces a sense of pride in Dorothy and makes her feel attractive. But eventually she realizes that, one day, a strictly sexual relationship will not be enough for her and she will want more. And Eddie is not the person to give it to her. Hell, he can't even pay for dinner! I feel that the moral of this episode can apply to a lot of people. Being just friends with benefits can function for some people, but I feel that it is a lot like Communism. It works out on paper but someone always gets left out.

Best line of the episode:

Dorothy: "The only thing we have in common is under the sheets."

Rose: "What's under the sheets?"

Dorothy: "His cappuccino maker. SEX! Rose, I am talking about sex."

Lesson Number Five: "Never listen to your slutty friend" (Season 6 - Episode 10: Girls Just Want to Have Fun... Before They Die)

We have all received bad advice in our lives. I mean, you are reading some pretty shitty advice right now. (KIDDING.) But for our Golden Girls on Richmond street, they made the mistake of turning to Blanche, A.K.A. "Ye Olde Towne Slut", for advice. First, she recommends that Sophia sleeps with someone she has a crush on and gives her a makeover. But, due to her association of sex with intimate emotion, blurts out that she loves him. He doesn't reciprocate and Sophia blames Blanche for the entire situation. Rose also seeks advice from Blanche. Her hometown of St. Olaf is suffering from a drought and they request that all of its citizens remain celibate until the rain comes. She doesn't know how to break the news to her boyfriend, so Blanche advises her to tease him so he still stays interested. Miles (Rose's boyfriend) takes offense to Rose's dishonesty and breaks up with her. Now, we all have slutty friends. They come in handy in a myriad of situations, like getting into a club or out of a traffic citation. But seeking their advice when it comes to matters of love is not advised. They are just as confused as you are about romance. So take the hint from the Golden Girls, when it comes to matters of love, romance and sex, just ask your grandmother!
Best Line of the episode:
Blanche: "I have taken an 83 year old woman and made her look like a 60 year old drag queen!" 

Men Share the Best Relationship Advice They Ever Received

 Single Straight Guy (Scott Phrentik): "Make sure she's happy." Every woman is different and there are a myriad of ways to accomplish this, but by far the best relationship advice I've been given.

Married Straight Guy (Ben D.): Best advice I've been given is, would you set your sister or cousin up with someone like you? If the answer is no, then why would anyone else want to date you?

Single Gay Guy (Abraham Zeus Zapata): "Expectations lead to resentments, and when you allow people to just be themselves, the relationship can really grow.". 

 Advice from three of my guy friends. My "wise guys" are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. The Single Gay Guy is Abraham Zeus Zapata, an actor, writer and artist living in the Houston area; the Single Straight Guy is Scott Phrentik, who moonlights as a DJ in Dallas; and the Married Straight Guy is Ben D., a former professional fighter who would now much rather spend time with his wife and baby son than get punched in the face by a sweaty man.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce

 In 25 years of studying marriage, Dr. Terri Orbuch, research professor at the University of Michigan and author of the new book "Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship," has found that some of the best relationship advice comes from people who are actually divorced.

 In 1986, Orbuch embarked on a long-term study, supported by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), which followed the relationships of 373 newlyweds. By 2012, 46% had divorced, about the same as the national average. In interviews with Orbuch, people who had divorced or ended a serious relationship over and over again brought up the same five issues that they would improve if they had the chance to do it all again.

1. Money. Over the course of her research, one the biggest surprises for Orbuch was the role money played in marital strife. “Many divorced singles say that money was the number one source of conflict in the early years of marriage,” she tells Yahoo! Shine. She also found that, “6 out of 10 said they would not share living expenses in their next relationship.” She recommends that each partner evaluate their own approach to spending and saving money and discuss with their spouse early on. She says there is no one-size-fits-all-financial plan, but couples need to determine their own rules and adhere to them.

 2. Affection. Another surprise was that men crave affection—but not necessarily sex—more than women. “It’s counterintuitive,” says Orbuch, “but men crave feeling special and being noticed by their wives.” She adds that men who report not getting enough nonsexual affection were twice as likely to ask for a divorce, but the reverse was not true for women. “Women are fortunate. We get this kind of affirmation from more people in our lives, our mothers, children, our best friends”—so women tend to need less from husbands.  She recommends carving out time for regular cuddling, kissing, hand holding, and saying “I love you.”

3. Blame. “When divorced couples found fault with their relationship using ‘we’ statements, they were significantly more likely to find love than those who used ‘I’ or ‘you’ statements.” Those who found blame in factors such as being incompatible or too young experienced less anxiety, insomnia, and depression than those who blamed their former partner or themselves for a break-up. Examine what went wrong in the relationship instead of assigning individual blame, suggests Orbuch, and think about how you can resolve conflict better next time. 

4. Communication. Orbuch says a trap many couples fall into is “maintenance” rather than true communication. She suggests having a “10 minute rule” every day when you, “Talk to your partner about something other than work, the relationship, the house, or the children.” The key is revealing something about yourself and learning something about your spouse. “Forty-one percent of divorced people say they would change their communication style,” says Orbuch,“and, 91% of happily married couples say they know their partner intimately.”

5. Move on. Letting go of the past is a key to being in a happy relationship. This is true for people who are currently married as well as those seeking love. If you are irked by thoughts of your partner’s old boyfriend or girlfriend or of a fight that happened weeks ago, you might not be interacting in a healthy, positive way. “That animosity prevents you from being fully present,” says Orbuch. She also points out that people who felt neutral toward their ex were significantly more likely to find love after a divorce. If you can’t let go of your anger, her book outlines a number of exercises including writing a detailed letter to the person you are angry at—and burning it.

Subtle Signs That They Really Love You

 How do you know? I mean, it’s not like a clear sign has been handed down from generation to generation, at least not in my family. But how do you, as a person, know? How can you tell someone loves you? Use these 5 subtle clues to know that he or she may have fallen in love with you.

1. You light up my life

Have you noticed every time you enter a room, your special person has an instant smile on their face? Do they continue to talk to you and tell you to hurry back when you are leaving? Don’t dismiss this as a honeymoon phase. These could be signs that their feelings for you are stronger than you think.

2. How are you doing?

Does he or she always want to let you know what’s going on in their life? One would think that a person would constantly ask how your day is going to show interest. But by letting you know how their day went, they are including you in what’s going on in their life because they want you to be a part of it.

3. Killing you with kindness and compliments

An easy way to make someone feel special is with a compliment. But constant compliments and acts of kindness really tug at the heart of someone’s feelings. Is it your heart or theirs? That could be a strong sign that their feelings are deep.

4. You are my future

You’re a long-term not a short-term. Is he or she constantly talking about your future plans as a couple. Are they constantly asking about marriage, kids and where you both see each other years from now? That could be another strong sign of love for you.

5. Always making you smile

A clear sign someone has strong feelings for you is how they make you feel. A person in love will constantly want to make the other person feel happy. And nothing makes a person in love happier than putting a constant smile on his or her face.

So if you are wondering if love is in the air, use these 5 signs to give you a clue. If you light up their life when they ask you how you’re doing and will stop at nothing to put a smile on your face while talking about your future and feeding you compliments, then you just might have found love.

What Kind of Love Are You In?

 Love is a many-splendored thing. So, it's not so unusual that the ancient Greeks had over 10 words to describe the different types of love, including eros (a combination of lust and romance) and ludus (uncommitted and playful), explains anthropologist Helen Fisher, the author of "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love."

What is romance? If romantic love feels almost like drug, that's cause it kind of is. The infatuation, the butterflies, the passion-all spurred on by a little neurotransmitter in our brains known as dopamine. And, yes, dopamine is the chemical behind many of life's highs, including drug addictions (as the joke goes, "That's why they call it dope").

That euphoria can last 17 months or more, according to Fisher's research.

Dopamine also stimulates the release of testosterone, the "liquor of lust," along with the same bonding chemicals that make us naturally protective of one another.

But it's the quantities, timing and interactions of these big three-dopamine, testosterone and attachment chemicals-with other hormones that can trigger them to work synergistically or in opposition.

So, love surprises us. You might be in love and have no desire for sex. You might have detached satisfying hookups, only to discover you're in love. Maybe you're just friends and fall in love. Or, as the summer romance story goes, you fall in love and part with only fond memories. You can also feel lust for one person, attachment to another and romance with a third-all at the same time.

Then, to complicate matters, your brain's chemical journey isn't necessarily the same as your partner's. "Don't stress out about meeting 'the one,'" says Stony Brook psychologist Arthur Aron. "There's no scientific case for soul mates."

Romantic love is risky: a "blissful dependency when one's love is returned, a painful, sorrowful and often destructive craving when one's love is spurned," Fisher explains.

Chemistry is real. Some pairings do feel special fast. On her second date with the man that later became her husband, Leslie, a 53-year-old editor, admits she just felt he "smelled right." He soon told her he felt the same way. "It's so fundamental we have it inscribed in our wedding rings-'I love your sniff.' We have gone through some terrible fights and difficulties together, but even during our worst times, if we breathe each other in, we reconnect. We both work at home, I sometimes have to be careful to keep a little physical distance, because if we smell each other, we might end up in bed. We've been married six years, together seven, and we probably make love on average 10 times a week." Wow.

But there may be something to this. It's said that scent alerts one's consciousness to the best mates for baby-making. Among the genes controlling the immune system are a group called the major histocompatibility complex (MHC). Our bodies look for MHC that's dissimilar to our own in an ideal partner.

In one study, when 49 women took a whiff of six different men's two-day-old T-shirts, the ones they preferred most had MHC that was unlike their own. Women taking the pill were the exception, the study found. Men's saliva may also contain traces of testosterone, which can increase the sex drive in a woman, suggesting that kissing is kind of a catalyst for sexual chemistry.

"It's probably happened to me three times in my life," says Mary, a 55-year-old website designer. "Your heart skips a beat, and they smell nice and you can't keep your hands off of them. One man was short, fat, bald and a slow runner-but boy, I could not keep away from him." For the last two years, Mary has been dating a man with whom she had terrific chemistry in high school. "Thirty-five years later, I saw him and I thought, it's still there."

Romance isn't necessary. Ideal chemistry isn't the only hallmark of a good, lasting sexual relationship, psychologists say. "Those who are intensely in love from the outset are only slightly more likely to have a good relationship," says Aron. "Talk to anyone in India, where arranged marriages are the norm, and they'll tell you it's possible to grow to love someone."

Psychologist Robert Epstein, a former editor-in-chief of "Psychology Today," argues that "almost any two people who feel at least some attraction for each other and who don't have too many deal breakers can work together to build psychological, romantic and physical intimacy that will get stronger over time."

Aron says that couples can succeed if they communicate well, are in reasonable mental health and not under too much stress. Happiness is important at the beginning of marriage, but communication is key to being able to maintain that happiness over time, he explains. Arons' research pinpoints boredom, not lack of chemistry, as a marriage killer. To keep things exciting, keep doing new, fun and unexpected things together, he says.

Take Your Time when it Comes to Falling in Love

The race to find a significant other begins at an alarmingly young age. It starts when we first begin to glamorize the image of a wedding, dressing up as brides, fantasizing about locations and the size of our bouquet. We then grow into shy and anxious teenagers, attending dances, shutting our eyes through first kisses, dating before we even understand the word, exposing our vulnerability to someone else before we've even looked in the mirror and showed it to ourselves.

Dating, the embarking on a relationship, has always been closely intertwined with the concept of growing up. When our bodies develop, we are inevitably sexualized and romanticized, believing that the only light at the end of the tunnel is to embark on girlfriend-hood, wifehood, and of course, motherhood. We are ready to be touched, to be taken care of, to become one half of something larger. At least this is what we believe.

The truth is that 99 percent of the time, we are certainly, significantly, not ready. While we may look like adults, and claim to feel like adults, the fact is that the human brain doesn't finish developing until we are twenty-one, for some people longer, and even then, our struggle to discover who we are has only just begun. 

Most of us look back on our high school or college careers and can pinpoint, with a lingering sense of nostalgia, our "firsts": first relationships, first sexual encounters, first heartbreak, first time that dangerous four-letter word was so ambitiously emitted from our lips. However, there are the rare exceptions: a good friend of mine is twenty-one, has never had a boyfriend, and has yet to sleep with someone. When she chooses to open up about this, she'll refer to her lack of romantic experience as "missing out." Yet in my opinion, it is she who has been a part of something incredible, and the rest of us who have been completely unaware.

My friend knows how to meditate without getting antsy. She majored in photography and loves to hike in and around her hometown in upstate New York. She recently came home from a five week trip to India. She has an impressively large number of friends, a solid group of people that she cares for immensely. She also has the remarkable and rare ability to be completely selfless: when interacting with others, she gives you her full attention, her whole self. I find it completely ironic that she regrets not yet having a boyfriend, feeling frustrated that she is already how old she is and has yet to fulfill this accomplishment, because all I can think about is how much she has accomplished considering she is only how old she is.

My friend has made these remarkable self-reflective strides, stages most people won't go through for another decade or so, some never reaching, because she has had the opportunity of uninterrupted self-discovery, to grow into herself without the irrelevant presence of another body. We claim to embark on relationships because we feel we are "ready. But this "readiness" is almost always because we are lonely, and fear that we are incapable of going through life alone. However, what we don't realize is that we can't rid ourselves of this loneliness through romantic relationships, if anything it only lingers and worsens like an untreated wound, an insecurity we have always neglected.

So when is the right time to start dating? Unfortunately, there is no definite answer. Some people can be ready, although the case is rare, by college, or even high school. Some by their twenties, for others it will be somewhere during their thirties. For some people, the answer might be never. However, the process leading up to it is the same for everyone. 

We need to find what we like to do, what makes us happy, what makes us whole. We need to commit ourselves to our friends, our family, and to photography, or meditating, or any other activity that we might not have had the time or dedication for had we been conducting our lives as one half of two. And I promise you that, when you are fully engaged in one of these tasks and completely happy while doing so, you will find it. You will know that you're ready. You will find the opposite of loneliness.

Tips for Dating an Older Man

Dating an older man can be a tricky line to walk. You may be a generation apart, you may be seen as a "gold digger" whether or not the dude has money, and you may find some of your friends like to tease you about dating "Mr. Wilson."

What none of them know is this: there are some definite advantages to having a relationship with an older man. Here are some tips for dating an older Mr. Right.

1) Instead of seeing the generational gap as a drawback, think of it as a learning experience. See what you two can teach each other.

2) Focus on the things you have in common rather than the things you don't.

3) Material assets don't make someone date-able; personality does. If he's got cash, awesome. If he doesn't, that shouldn't be something that would matter any more than if a guy your age didn't have money.

4) Remember that being older means being more set in your ways (probably), which means that if you're getting into a relationship with a guy who's older than you, don't expect to change him. (This should be a rule for ALL relationships.) 

5) Being around his kids may be awkward, especially if they're close to your age. Best to let him handle getting them used to the idea of you rather than foisting yourself upon them.

6) Just because he's no longer a horny teenager humping anything in sight doesn't mean that he won't be satisfying to you. While older men may experience a decrease in sex drive, he will have more experience, which can mean that he'll make sure that you're "taken care of."

7) Keep an open mind going into it. Just because he's older doesn't mean he can't be spontaneous or fun in bed. He is who he is, and if you like that? Be open to him.

8) Learn to deflect the judgment of your friends. If they're teasing you about dating an "old guy," tease them back about dating young losers (or whatever their type is). And if the teasing becomes hurtful? Tell them so. Real friends will be happy for you - no matter what.

 

Things You Should NEVER Say to His Mom

 Figuring out how to handle your new guy's family can range from 0 to impossible, ESPECIALLY if you guys are freshly together or he doesn't see his family a lot. Or the reverse - if he sees his family all the time. There's always that awkward bit: you know they're judging you, you're just hoping that it's in a good way.

But there are ways to win them over -- and ways to make them hate you. So in that vein, read on for things you should never, EVER say to his mom.

1) "Are you sure you need to be calling him every day?"

2) "Wow - I think Freud wrote about you and your son." 

 

3) "How much butter did you ADD to this meal? I can feel my arteries hardening already!"

4) "Your son is AMAZING in bed. Wow."

5) "I know it's only been a few weeks, but I can already hear wedding bells in our future!"

6) "Is THAT the engagement ring you'll be giving him to give to me? Because I'm going to have to get that stone re-set."

7) "Are you really a member of the NRA? Yikes!"

8) "So, how big is (insert husband's name here) down there?"

9) "I cannot wait to stay at home and raise the babies while your son earns the money."

10) "So how much is (insert boyfriend's name here) worth once you're dead?"

11) "He loves me more than he loves you!" 

12) "I don't believe women should have to work."

13) "I've been aching to be a trophy wife for SO LONG."

14) "Well, at least The Clap is treatable!"

15) "We both hate using condoms - they just don't feel very good!"

Understanding MenIt came to my attention during my own process of dating discoveries that something needed to change in my perception of men.  I am going to use my experiences as a heterosexual to explain things, however it really does not make a difference what your sexual orientation is to understand this philosophy.  If you are in a same-sex relationship, there might be one of you that has a stronger feminine or masculine side than the other.  If so, then you might find the following information valuable as well.

We have all been through a lot of confusion about the male-female relationship and dynamics between the sexes, but I never completely understood this until I attended a weekend workshop designed by Allison Armstrong from PAX Seminars about understanding men.  There were so many incredible insights that I learned throughout this weekend workshop that helped me not only understand men better, but to have more confidence in myself as well.  I highly recommend taking a workshop or getting one of her CDs.

One of the important things I learned was how we as women emasculate men and as a result we lose their trust.  It is not something that we are consciously doing, but unfortunately society has reinforced this behavior.  Whether we realize this or not, this chips away at a man’s self-esteem and we continue to push them farther away.  For me, I wanted to gain a man’s trust.  I wanted to find my best friend and be a supportive, kind and loving partner.  This does not mean subservient as that is not my style, but  I had to look at the various ways that I added to emasculating my partner. I realized that every time I criticized, rolled my eyes, continually interrupted him, invalidated his opinion, laughed at men-bashing jokes, that I was only putting more and more of a wall between us.

We as a society encourage men-bashing jokes and t-shirts that say “men are stupid.” How are we going to come together if we continue to alienate the very people we want to be close with?  How are we going to develop intimacy with this kind of negative energy floating around?  And the same goes for men doing this behavior with women.  Remember, I am coming from my own personal experience.  Use this information and personalize it for your own situation.

When we as women are having challenges with men, what do we do?  We run to our girlfriends complaining and crying about how bad the man has been and our GIRLFRIENDS reinforce our beliefs.  Of course they are going to reinforce our beliefs, because they are women and we think in similar ways.  Here is the lesson:  Men are men and they do not think like women, and the same goes the other way.  We do not think like men.  That is the beauty of choosing to be in a relationship with either a man or a woman.  Instead of battling against a man’s nature, honor it and understand it.  Once you begin to understand it, you will no longer be hurt or offended.  John Gray talks about this beautifully in his book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.  Many men need to be quiet and go into their cave to figure things out.  Many women need to bond and talk things out with their friends.  Once you understand that your man needs some alone and quiet time, this will make it easier for you to back off and give him space without getting upset.  And the same goes for men understanding women.

Here is another tip.  Sometimes men come on very strong for the first few months and then back off.  When men first begin dating and they are excited about someone new, they begin to visualize themselves in different situations with the person.  It is not something they are doing consciously, but they begin to see themselves with you and then begin opening their mouth and start making premature plans.  I have had this happen numerous times where a man will begin talking about how fun it would be to go skiing together, or away for the weekend or to meet his family.  This is because men start to put you into their lives before you are actually there.  Then they realize that “oops, I don’t know this person that well” and begin to back off.  It is not something they are doing intentionally to hurt you, it is just their initial way of bonding.

Okay, one more communication tip.  You really want to find out more about a man and what he feels about something.  Do not ask him what he “feels,” but rather ask, “so what do you think about that?”  Then you need to sit back and smile and let him talk.  He will say a few words, pause, then perhaps pause some more and DO NOT  say a word, just smile and nod and allow him to go on.  Give him space to think.  Give him space to gather his thoughts as he will continue and when he does, that is where the juice is and he will begin to reveal more about himself.  We as women are constantly saying “uhuh” to each other or “yes, I know what you mean.” Do not do that with a man if you really want to get to know him.  Allow him to talk and let him take his time. Try this with the next man you meet or even with a male friend, brother or father. See what happens.

Once again, Allison Armstrong teaches a fabulous workshop that did so much for me in understanding how men think and how to better communicate with them.  

Pay attention to your communication with the opposite sex!

Why Men Have Trouble with Intimacy

  The other night while at dinner with some friends (all married or with someone) something occurred that is so common I barely took notice of it. One of the women popped up and went to the restroom and four other women jumped up and went with her. We've seen this a million times. They go off to the restroom, fix their hair, adjust something and talk about everything. If men meet up in the restroom, if they speak at all, it would be a very neutral topic like golf or baseball. I think to myself that if a man got up and went to the restroom, no one would go with him. This is, of course, a generalization, but in this small vignette it tells the story of the difference between men and women. So why do men have such a difficult time with intimacy?

The answer is that most men are taught from an early age to be competitive, that feelings are a sign of weakness and to avoid vulnerability and dependency at all costs. The ideal for men is fierce independence and strength. Herb Goldberg writes in The Hazards of Being Male that 85 percent of the men in this country have no friends. We see beer ads that proffer an image of the American male as having tons of friends but nothing could be further from the truth. According to Goldberg men have "buddies" like golf or bowling buddies but not real friends because they don't open up. Intimacy is based on being able to show ourselves to another person, warts and all. Men are very reluctant to do this because they fear that they might be judged or put down.

Dr. Kal Heller, a licensed psychologist specializing in child and family services, writes that "Intimacy is very risky because it requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other. To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt." This is difficult for all of us. Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence. Like that ad says, "Never let them see you sweat." This could be our national anthem.

Some of the messages men get early on are:
"Big boys don't cry"
"No pain no gain; Tough it out."
"Only sissies get hurt feelings."
"It's a sign of weakness to let people know you're hurting."

Men are cautioned to not discuss their feelings, to avoid feelings altogether and to not discuss love, sorrow or pain. Men will often make a joke out of a difficult situation rather than face it directly. Men are taught to be checked out toward the emotions of others, and keep their true feelings inside. Women frequently complain that their partner wants to have sex even though they don't feel connected emotionally. Men want to have sex to feel connected and women want to feel connected to feel comfortable having sex. Because some men want to skip over feelings and go straight to sex, porn and prostitution has taken off since the advent of the internet. Men who find themselves avoiding confrontations and intimacy will find anonymous intimacy in internet chat rooms, porn or prostitutes.

Sue Johnson, the author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, once said that "In conflict women swim and men sink." Men do not do as well as women in the clinches. Men have a harder time with stress reduction, and anxiety around conflict. Women have gears inside built for childbirth where they can tolerate pain. This internal mechanism to withstand anxiety and pain allows women to deal with emotional stress way better than men. Men usually avoid conflict and make every effort to make peace. For this reason they do not tend to resolve conflicts well, which creates distance in their relationships. This avoidance of confrontation, pain and anxiety can build up over time and cause the eventual breakup of a marriage. John Gottman, who wrote The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, writes that 80 percent of divorce is based on men not accepting the influence of the woman. What this means is that men avoid contact and don't tend to listen because they don't want to be seen as tied to the woman's proverbial apron strings or be "hen pecked." Because men must be fearless and strong, they dread appearing weak or inadequate.

Because men are taught to be competitive, strong, never cry and not show emotion, they either buy into this wholeheartedly or consider all intimacy creating activities as weak and stupid or they feel like a fraud for having feelings and sensitivity at all. Men can carry feelings of inadequacy to the grave rather than ever admit how they really feel. They may develop a macho persona while secretly feeling helpless and bad or like they don't measure up. I frequently hear men complain that they are "damned if they do and damned if they don't." Men feel like they have to fix things and don't like it when they are made to feel helpless. Men aren't supposed to feel helpless.

All this is not to say that men are incapable of intimacy, dependency or vulnerability. They are quite able but our culture does not support it. One of the main reasons for drug and alcohol use is for medicating pain, and that would include emotional pain. Men, who feel bottled up, sad, angry and depressed will often become workaholics, drink or do drugs to avoid feelings. For men to understand how to be intimate, they must first learn more about who they are, what they want and what is truly important to them. Feelings tell us what we want and what we need, so without them we are like a ship without a rudder. So many men lead lives of quiet desperation, never letting anyone in or themselves out. For men to take a look at who they really are and allow their essence to be known are actually far stronger than the burly silent types who live their lives in utter isolation.

Things He's Thinking when You're Naked

 Spoiler alert: He's not thinking about those extra 10 pounds you want to lose! Real guys tell us what they're really thinking when you bare it all. For more insights into your guy's mind, read about the beauty moves guys find sexy. 

 "Girls are always trying to cover up. A lot of females I've been with seem to have a hard time being naked, without covers or the lights off, without the security of clothes. But when I'm with a naked girl, all I can think about it is how excited I am. How lucky I am that she trusts me enough to be there with her. And I never notice anything except how hot she looks." -Paul, 23

"Sometimes, after sex, my girlfriend will ask me, 'What are you thinking about?' Honestly? I'm just thinking about how awesome that was and wondering when I'm going to get to do it again." -Landon, 25 

 "I'm thinking about how gorgeous my wife is. We've been married for over 30 years and I still find her just as attractive as she was when we first met. Hope she feels the same!" -Jack, 56

"My last girlfriend loved to run under the sheets and turn off the lights as soon as her clothes came off. I hated that! I just wanted to look at her, to take in the whole picture. Women don't realize: We're not going to even notice the imperfections you think you have. We're just excited to be there! It's much sexier if a woman's confident enough to embrace nudity and sex head on." -Camden, 32

"My wife has a hard time focusing on anything except the 'flaws' she sees in her body. But I don't notice anything but perfection. All I'm thinking about it how lucky I am to be with such a beautiful woman." -Dan, 44

"I'm hoping she's as excited as I am. To be perfectly honest: I'm probably not thinking about a lot beyond getting to touch her!" -Ben, 22

 "When my girlfriend's naked, I think about how I'm the luckiest guy in the world." -Matthew, 47
"I think about how I can prolong the experience for as long as possible. I want her to be naked, with me, all day long." -Luc, 38 

 "For the first minute or two, my mind is usually blank. I probably just black out from excitement and happiness." -David, 24

"I think about ... just about her. I think about how beautiful she looks and about how my favorite thing to see her in is nothing at all." -Seth, 30