True Wedding-Night Confessions

The Big Day is over, and you and your new husband head up to your hotel suite for a romantic champagne toast, followed by an amazing romp in bed. Well, anyway, that’s what happens in Hollywood films. Since real life is often not so picture perfect, we asked some recent newlyweds to share what really happened.

“Before the wedding, my husband and I had separate hotel rooms, but we were planning to stay in my room on our wedding night. So after everything was over, I went upstairs, changed into my lingerie, filled two glasses with champagne and waited for my new husband. But he never came! It turns out I’d forgotten to give him a room key. And I was so tired after the long night that I fell completely asleep and didn’t hear either my cellphone or room phone. He waited for 30 minutes in his room and spent another 30 minutes begging the hotel staff to let him into mine. To verify that he was who he said he was, a hotel employee had to come in with him. And there I was, asleep in a chair, wearing my lingerie and still holding onto a full glass of champagne.”
—Bobbi, Richmond VA

“Right after the wedding we went up to our hotel room with a whole bunch of friends and relatives. My sister had gotten us a karaoke machine, so we sang with everyone until 4 a.m.—with me still in my wedding dress, eating chips and drinking wine. It was the best night of my life.”
—Nancy, New York City

“We got married in the morning on a beach in St. John in the U.S.V.I. After the wedding brunch, we all went for a sailboat ride. We had lots more planned, but I was so exhausted that when we returned from the ride, I passed out in a beach chair for the rest of the afternoon. That night, we went out to dinner and I could barely keep my eyes open. Needless to say, I went straight to sleep!”
—Mollie, San Francisco

“By the time we checked into the Ritz-Carlton hotel after the reception, it was very late. We stopped on the concierge level, which had a lounge that offers evening treats. I wanted chocolate-covered strawberries, but since it was sooooo late, the lounge was closed. Despite this, John begged the hotel staff to put together a huge platter of sweets. It was awesome!”
—Vicki, Atlanta, GA

“On our wedding night, we were back at our hotel room by 10 p.m. We hung out with friends in our suite until no one could keep their eyes open anymore—except me! I was far too excited to sleep, but my new husband had no problem at all passing out while I just stared at the ceiling for hours, going over the day. I bet most people have pretty low-key wedding nights and save the wild stuff for the honeymoon.”
—Dori, New York City

“My wife and I were so engrossed with the wedding that we never had a chance to eat. Our caterer gave us doggie bags. When we got back to our hotel room around midnight, all we could think about was food. But when we opened our bags, everything was cold and there were no utensils. We didn’t care; we sat on our bed shoveling handfuls of rice, asparagus, fish and fowl into our mouths. When we finally got between the sheets, there was rice pilaf everywhere.”
—Neil, Lexington, KY

“I drank a little too much at my wedding. When I was getting undressed, I broke the baby pearl bracelet that a friend had lent me. I was so upset at myself that there was no ‘consummation of the marriage.’ Worse, I woke up the next day, very hung over.”
—Vikki, Mill Valley, CA

“I was so tired after our wedding that I went to our room, took off my wedding dress and fell asleep. We both woke up starving in the middle of the night, so we drove to a 24-hour convenience store and loaded up on snacks.”
—Theresa, Reading, PA

“I woke up, went to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I was totally surprised to see that a small pillow was attached to my head as if it was glued there. I realized I’d forgotten to take out the hundred or so bobby pins in my hair, and some of them had gotten hooked on the pillow.”
—Jessica, Oakland, CA

“We planned to spend our wedding night at a hotel and to fly to Hawaii the next day. We’d barely eaten at our wedding, so we ordered pasta from room service. My husband got so ill he had to go to a hospital emergency room with what turned out to be an allergic reaction to the shellfish in the pasta. It goes without saying, we missed our flight to Hawaii.”
—Susan, Madison, WI

“I wanted to make sure our room would look completely different from the one in which I’d had my hair and makeup done earlier in the day (when I was still single!). So I asked my wedding planner to add vases of flowers and scented candles, dim the lights, put on music and put some small snacks on a tray on the bed. My husband loved it!”
—Patricia, Boston, MA

Experts Weigh In

From Janet Dunnington, owner of CEO Weddings & Events in Vermont:
“Cover your wedding bed in petals that are the same color as your bridal flowers. If you’re having a winter wedding, plan to have a fire crackling in the fireplace when you get up to your room. Then place throw pillows on the floor and sip champagne together. It’s great to surprise your partner by arranging to have food and drinks waiting in your room. One bride loved chocolate-chip cookies, so I made sure a homemade batch was there on a platter for her.”

From Xochitl Gonzalez of Always a Bridesmaid Wedding Consulting & Event Design, New York City:
“Be sure to spring for a hotel suite. I know it sounds obvious, but since so many couples live together today, they may decide just to head home and save some money. Don’t! You should go someplace special, if only to remind yourselves that this is your first night together MARRIED! Also, don’t forget the lingerie. Your moms and grandmas wore bridal peignoirs—the nightgowns that girls received for their wedding nights and honeymoons. It’s an old tradition, but it’s nice to have something new and sexy (not necessarily a nightgown!) to sleep in.”

New Ways To Make Your Relationship Work 

Put Yourself First

People who spend time bettering themselves have happier unions than those who always put their partner's needs first. "When you develop your own interests (cooking, learning a foreign language), you have more to teach the other person," says Gary Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., of Monmouth University in New Jersey. "Your bond will improve because you're adding new layers and depth to it."

Have Quickies

Fast sex may seem unromantic, but short bursts of passion keep you bonded because they release dopamine and oxytocin, two chemicals that trigger loving feelings. "If you're having regular sex and stoking those neurochemicals, it doesn't have to be amazing every time," says sex therapist Ian Kerner. 

Do Go to Bed Angry

Research conducted at the University of California, San Diego, found that people often solve ongoing problems during REM. "When people sleep, the brain reshuffles memories, combining old associations and new ideas to come up with solutions," says study author Sara Mednick, Ph.D.

Respect Your Relationship's Privacy

When you fight with your guy, do you vent online? Couples who post TMI photos or feud on Facebook make everyone uneasy. "If a couple seems overly happy, they may be trying to compensate for insecurities," says Bethany Marshall, Ph.D., author of Deal Breakers. "Or it could be passive-aggressive—tweeting a complaint is easier than dealing with it directly."

Avoid Toxic Friends

If your coupled-up pals are always fighting, it may sound irrelevant to your marriage, but research from Brown University says if your close friends split up, you are very likely to do so as well. Likewise, if your coworker, friend, or sibling parts ways with their partner, you have a 33 percent chance of following suit.

Unplug After Work

"When you're always working, there's no division between the office and home, which increases stress in the relationship," says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Set a time limit for work, then unwind together before bed.

Outsource Housework

Mopping and scrubbing are necessary in any household, but get this: Husbands do fewer chores than live-in boyfriends. Sociologists surmise that social norms are more defined in marriage than in dating relationships. If dirty dishes cause tension, cut back spending each week so you can hire a cleaning service, then use the newfound time you have for something fun.

Get a Prenup

"It's a backup plan offering protection in case of divorce," says Peter Morris, a New York state matrimonial lawyer. "Prenups open a dialogue about the type of lifestyle you want, how many kids you'll have, even what your core values are." Prenups are even more key when the woman is the breadwinner because if the marriage ends, she may lose a large chunk of her earnings and 50 percent of joint marital assets. Already hitched? Consider a postnup, the postmarital version of the deal.

Call a Money Summit

Couples don't usually split because they don't have enough cash, but because they can't agree on how to manage it. "Discussing your finances each month is crucial," says financial adviser Manisha Thakor. Do you pool your money or separate it? Do you know how much each of you has at any given time? Airing your finances regularly will sync you two for the long haul. 

Secrets Men Keep 

What He's Thinking

We like to cuddle. Cuddling is all about mood and ambience. It's peaceful to lie in someone's arms in the dark with great music or even the low buzz of the TV (although that tends to distract me) in the background. It's nice to hear nothing but your lover's breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning. Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel very secure with one another and the relationship.

 

We think we are good in bed. Men are taught that confidence solves just about anything. You can be making a total mistake, but as long as you're confident, it will turn out okay. This may explain why we are so clueless at what we are doing in bed, but we act like we know.

Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. Some people turn into a completely different person when they are drunk . Let the other person learn about you while you're sober, before you get wasted with them. Alcohol should be introduced into the relationship slowly, but if a drink or two takes the edge off, and wine adds romance it's fine. Just don't push it too far.

 

We put pressure on ourselves to get married. Women tell me that they feel more pressure to settle down because they can't have children as easily past a certain age. I don't feel pressure in that sense, but I do fear that my appearance and my "game" (not that either are working for me presently) will fade as I get older. It's fun being one of the few guys in my group of friends who hasn't yet found love, but at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me...and I'm trying to decide if time is running out. I'm so far behind, I can't imagine being asked to meet on Sunday for brunch by a girl I've dated for a month, much less having a child or being married.

 

We want to bail the morning after a one-night stand . Do not linger in bed hung over. I'm foul when I'm hung over, so I am sure others are too. You can't contaminate someone's bed with that. Do everything you can to get home and fester in your own bed. People have things to do over the weekend. Give each other a hug, wish each other well, don't say anything about calling, and don't believe him when he mutters that he will call you.

 

You'll never understand our sports obsession. I know some women love sports. But are they as obsessed with sports like guys are? I read about sports every day, and go over stats. And I do find myself telling my sisters about University of Virginia and Boston College teams — where they went to school. There is no reason women wouldn't understand or know sports like guys do if they were as obsessed. I just think guys across the board are more sports-obsessed than women are.

 

Sex in the shower is overrated. I once tried this, but the entire time I was trying to contort my body so that I could get everything inserted correctly. That "up against the wall" variation is tougher than it sounds. The entire shower apparatus is so slippery, and then you have soap all over the place. It's a danger zone. Plus, I do my best to keep my bathroom clean, but I don't think I'd ever want to have sex anywhere near something called "mildew."

 

We do think you're crazy sometimes, but only because it makes things easier for us. Once I accepted that women were "crazy" (many older guys had insisted they were for years), it seemed to take a huge load of pressure off me. No longer was I trying to rationalize moves that women made that got me into crazy analysis cycles. When I just throw it all out the window and dismiss it as "crazy," it makes it easier to deal. We don't really think women are insane, we just say it so we can be done thinking about their antics and move on.

 

Leave your baggage at the door. Guys are happy to help out their girlfriends with emotional issues. But if the baggage becomes apparent too early in the relationship, then a guy will probably bail. Also, baggage causes people to put pressure on or damage a relationship, so it may be doomed from the outset.

 

Confidence is key in the bedroom. I know if a girl seems unsure of herself in bed, it gets distracting and starts to feel awkward. The best thing to do is to act like you have some experience, and not question anything. I think back to the advice my dad once gave my sisters and me when he snuck us onto the "premium members only" tennis courts at this fancy resort at the beach. While we played, security goons watched closely, and my dad could tell that we were nervous: "Just act like you are supposed to be here, and they won't ask any questions." Sure enough, it worked.

 

We're insecure about dirty talk.  Once I've made it into bed with a girl, no way I'm going to let my stupid mouth wreck things. In fact, we've most likely made it to this point in spite of my mouth. There are so many incorrect things I could say, from weak to gross to just downright bizarre. Last thing I need is to give this girl some material for a girls' night conversation.

 

Sometimes, we do blame your bad mood on PMS. But if we're smart, we just don't say it. Honestly, sometimes a woman's anger does look hormonal. I have said something to a girl one day that she laughs at, but then a week later she bites my head off when I say the same thing. But I've learned not to make things worse by suggesting that she's PMSing.

 

We get jealous because we're insecure. If a guy feels like he does not deserve a woman or is not good enough for her, he will become jealous easily and worried that he's going to lose her to another guy. On the other hand, I admit that I have tried to make girls I'm interested in jealous on purpose before.

 

We hate when you try too hard to be one of the guys. It's pretty lame that my buddies and I invent words and languages and then giggle over them like schoolchildren. But what's even lamer: when some outsider tries to use the language, without the ability to contribute. That's what one of my old girlfriends did. My friends and I would discuss how she was trying to speak like us, and it got to the point where I bristled every time I heard her speak one of our made-up words.

 

We notice what you're wearing. Make sure you cater what you wear to what you're doing. I try not to make a girl walk too much if she's in heels. Also, I've seen girls wear pearls and a nice blouse to trashy outdoor drinking events, or heels to sporting events.

 

Sex on the beach? We prefer the drink. The sea is very romantic, but I would be too nervous the entire time. There are all sorts of creatures out there. While walking in the ocean I've stepped on some unidentified crustaceous creatures and we've both scuttled along away from one another in fear. Maybe it's safer on shore? No way: because sand gets into everything. It has a mind of its own. Sand makes sex uncomfortable and even painful. My solution is to try to get a place by the beach and do it out on the porch where you can see and hear the waves: Sex at the beach, but not on the beach.

 

We play hard to get — and we know it. Sometimes, I just act like they have no chance, even though I might like them. I openly flirt with other girls in front of them, and talk about how hot other girls are in front of them. I make myself look really picky and difficult to get to. Then, I get really tender and give all of my attention to this girl who thought she had no chance.

Little Things I Notice About Women

They say the "devil is in the details," but the other night, my friend and I were scanning the bar and noticing minor things about women.  After reflecting on our observations, I put together four small things that guys notice that they don't often point out to women.  Here they are:

Hands

I study a girl's hands pretty intensely. Beautiful hands can portray daintiness and strength at the same time.  I notice manicures, and complexion.  I imagine what it's like to hold them.  I'm not much of a hand-holder, but pretty hands will turn me into one.  I even watch how a girl grips things.  There are definitely different objects and shapes that look amazing in a girl's hands, such as a wineglass.  A wineglass has delicate curves that play off a woman's hands.  When I notice fingers that are appealing to me, I imagine how those fingertips would feel.

Hair

I've mentioned hair before, so I wouldn't say it's a "little thing."  But hair can do simple things that evoke powerful emotions. One day I ran into my friend on the way to work — the friend who wore high heels to soccer game. One thing's for sure:  This girl really knows how to take care of and do her hair.  We were just talking and walking when a gust of wind blew right down the street and ran through her hair.  The indescribable motion that took place in her hair was beautiful.  I even noticed that a random guy we passed turned his head and looked.  I didn't realize until the day was over, but seeing that gust of wind go through my friend's hair put me in a good mood the rest of the day.  So, while hair is a big deal, little random moments can create big, great things. 

Attitude Toward Others

When I go out to dinner with a girl, I keep a close eye on how she treats a waiter or hostess.  Does she say "thanks," and generally act polite and respectful?  Sometimes I feel as if I'm overly cordial to people:  I wish them a nice day and always make sure to say "thanks."  But what makes a woman stand out has to do with more than just how she treats me.  A person with a beautiful personality treats everyone nicely and respectfully.  It's fun to be out with a girl and watch her make people smile from afar.  It makes me feel proud and lucky that I'm with her.  It's already an amazing thing when I meet a girl who can brighten my days.  But if this girl brightens everyone's day, then I'm even luckier.

What Does She Notice?

It's fun meeting different people because they always bring a new perspective.  When I break down music I love for people, they ask how I even care about every last little sound and note that I analyze and point these details out to them.  What little things does a woman notice or point out?  If we go to a Broadway show, for example, does she notice something in the background set?  Does she notice the couple in front of us who is very much in love?  Does she notice that the usher hates us because we are whispering and showed up just as the lights were going down?  Sure, we share big thoughts and ideas with one another, but sometimes you can learn a lot about a person just by the details they notice in life and moments.  It is a fun adventure going out with someone who can laugh at and notice little things, and who always brings new insights to different situations.

Once I realized that I was noticing little things, I came to the conclusion that little simple moments are just part of overall beauty.  Beauty can be defined in a collection of moments or memories more often than it can be defined by someone's appearance.

Seeing a girl across the room, holding a wineglass with pretty hands and making people smile, or a moment in the morning when the wind runs through a girl's hair, or a girl I'm with noticing someone walking by in a Members Only jacket — these are simple moments that should never be taken for granted.



Changing your love luck after 40

You could be divorced or never married; a veteran of numerous romances, or one long-term relationship that just didn’t go the distance; someone who falls in love too quickly, or you could simply be a commitment-phobe. It doesn’t matter how you got here: you’re in your 40s or older, single, and nursing a suspicion that it’s too late to break your old behavior patterns and finally find a lasting relationship. Think you’re too old to change? Don’t look for backup from professionals!

It’s never to late to find love
Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, Professor Emerita in the Department of Counseling and Personnel Services, College of Education at the University of Maryland, comes to the discussion armed with stories of people who made major life changes not only in the middle of their lives, but well into their 70s and 80s. An author whose latest book, Revitalizing Retirement: Reshaping Your Identity, Relationships, and Purpose, is about the psychological issues many people face as they enter retirement, urges: “Don’t say, ‘I can’t help it, that’s the way I am.’ Of course you can help it!”

She believes you can do it because she knows many others who have done it already. “There are many people who fall in love for the first time or who get remarried in their 60s, 70s or 80s,” Dr. Schlossberg says. Looking for inspiration? Ask her about the 90-year-old woman who, at 80, met a man 15 years her junior and married him a year later. “The point is, it’s not over until it’s over. You just don’t know what’s around the corner, and sometimes it happens when you’re not looking for it.”

Change comes from within, so get started!
If you sense that you’re doing something to thwart your success in sustaining a romantic relationship, talking to a therapist is one option, Dr. Schlossberg says, but change must come from within. “A lot of it resides in you. The first thing is you have to really decide if, in fact, you do want to meet new people. You also need to take a look at yourself in the mirror. If you’ve let yourself go and you look very dowdy, or if you’re not in good shape, you don’t have as good of a chance of meeting people. If you’re not doing anything interesting in your life, you don’t have much to talk about... there are many, many ways that you can go about putting yourself out there,” Dr. Schlossberg emphasizes, “but the decision has to be yours. It has happened to other people. I hear stories after stories of people who have met partners in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s.”

Where to find like-minded singles your age
If it hasn’t happened for you yet, she says, create a strategy for doing something about that. Tell yourself: “I can make this happen” and then “get out there,” Dr. Schlossberg urges — attend singles events, join clubs or organizations that participate in activities that interest you, get involved in community groups, travel, or even consider volunteering for a political campaign for the upcoming election year. Look for role models and inspirational stories among people you meet, in books — novels as well as non-fiction — and even your favorite television programs.

Open your mind and your heart will follow
Sometimes, it’s as simple as “being open to these opportunities when they arise. There’s a lot around if you open your eyes and you become more aware of the possibilities,” Dr. Schlossberg says. “You can make up your mind that you can try to change your behavior. You don’t want to change the whole thing all at once. But in one or two small ways, you take baby steps — and then you make the change. There’s no question that one’s outer life and behavior can be altered.”



The new rule for romance

What is the essence of a successful, spiritual union? After more than 25 years of counseling singles and couples on how to have better relationships, Susan Page has the answer for those of us looking for love. She sums it up as “less talk, more action.” In her book, Why Talking Isn’t Enough: Eight Loving Actions that Will Transform Your Marriage, Page shares her plan for couples, but she also has plenty of advice for single folk, too.

Her key belief: that relationship fix-it plans (like the “Honey, we really need to talk about this” conversation that leaves you feeling worse than ever) are best dumped in favor of some spiritual leadership. We asked Page how combining that kind of leadership and a few loving actions make for better dating, and ultimately, better relationships.

Q. Talking is supposed to be the cornerstone of Relationship 101. How does it fall short?
A. The proper role of communication in a relationship is to express love, make plans, share dreams. It’s not the best tool for solving relationship problems because most people don’t know how to use communication skills very well. And the giant problem here is that there’s usually a hidden agenda: “If you could just do things my way, if you would just change a little, this relationship would be better.” Using communication to change your partner is a fundamentally flawed approach to making a relationship better.

Q. Then how do you achieve the goal of creating a better relationship?
A. The goal of your relationship isn’t to, say, make sure that your partner plans as many dates as you do or that he or she shows you the “right” amount of affection. The goal is to support each other, to feel good together, and to be happy. Instead of trying to problem-solve your way to a better relationship, shift your focus to your own spiritual path. Move toward thoughts and actions that give you more moments of feeling connected — and move away from moments of divisiveness. Ask yourself, “What would I do right now if I were going to behave according to my highest spiritual values?”

Q. And the answer is to turn to loving action, right?
A. Right! In my book I talk about the eight loving actions that can be generally perceived as expressing good will and maintaining a generosity of spirit toward the other person. Here’s one loving action exercise to try for one week: Practice restraint. Refrain from saying anything negative, critical, or demanding to this person. The first thing you may notice is how often you start to say such a thing, often without intending to or realizing it. When you’re first dating, you tend to naturally refrain from negative comments. If that’s the case, congratulate yourself for it, and be aware of it.

If you’re tempted to make a negative comment, say what’s troubling you in a lighthearted way. So, if the person you’re dating proves to be someone who is often late while you’re always on time, you might lightly offer: “I’m somebody who likes to be on time, and it’s a little bit of an incompatibility that you’re often late, but hey, we’ll work with it!” And then honestly attempt to work with it, as a part of your spiritual practice.

Similarly, you could lovingly “act on your own.” Rather than mentioning your preference for timeliness and your date’s tardy streak, you might suggest getting together at noon when you want to be somewhere by 12:15. Or, arrive at the appointed time with cell phone in hand to return a friend’s phone call while you wait.

Q. So using loving actions on the spiritual path is much like making the choice to be happy instead of feeling the need to always be right. But with that approach, won’t I become a bit of a doormat?
A. There is a world of difference between taking loving action versus just giving in. Even though they may look similar on the surface, they come from very different motivations. The doormat gives up and then acts resentful or depressed — and usually finds ways to let the person he or she is dating know it. On the spiritual path, taking loving action gives you enormous control and personal power. You’re acknowledging, with compassion, that your partner is who he or she is, and that you can’t change that person. As the Serenity Prayer suggests, you accept the things you cannot change — and then you act with courage to take care of yourself around those things. In a budding romance, wisdom can help you stay clear about which deal-breaking actions and beliefs will prompt you to definitively end the relationship.

Q. Taking loving action sounds like a real labor of love. Are the benefits worth it?
A. Absolutely. You do what you can to be more spiritually giving to your partner, and you do it voluntarily. For instance, if your partner always leaves her used tea bag in the sink, you may choose — for the duration of your relationship — to throw it away, rather than nagging her about it and creating tension and divisiveness in the relationship. That’s being a spiritual leader, and leaders often take on the greater share of work. In groups, for instance, they watch over their own needs and the needs of others. But the greater reward is that they make the group happier for all. You take on spiritual leadership as a gift to yourself, to your partner, and to your own spiritual growth.

Things she loves about you

Guys, have you ever worried you don’t have that elusive something women crave? Perhaps you think you lack a devil-may-care attitude that the ladies love, or that you don’t have a Jon Stewart-esque wit that would win someone’s heart. Relax! We spoke to relationship experts and women across the country and learned that those attributes men believe are impressive just don’t cut it. In fact, the qualities that attract women may surprise you... and, chances are, you possess at least one of them. Learn how to embrace these six traits for dating success.

1. She loves that you’re a man of few words
It’s no secret that women love to communicate with the men in their lives. “Women like to connect, and when that happens, they will melt,” says Emerson E. Eggerichs, Ph.D., author of Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Of course, when most men hear that, they cringe, thinking it means long, drawn-out talks about every feeling either of you has ever had since you met. Wrong! According to Eggerichs, women don’t need lots of verbiage from men. The truth is, your lady can get the same communication from you via eye contact — without a single word being uttered. Simply stand face-to-face with her, look into her eyes, and show your affection with a simple physical gesture — say, holding her arm or caressing her face. “It’s in their very nature for women to want you to look at them,” Dr. Eggerichs explains. “Infant girls make eye contact with adults who are around them, while boys make eye contact but look away if there’s a mobile, ceiling fan or anything else to distract them overhead.” Cultivate your connection with a little unabashed eye contact, and you’ll be on the fast track to winning her heart.

2. She loves your hairy body — really!
Wait, she likes your what?! That’s right, go ahead and cancel that back-waxing appointment. A study at the Zoological Society of San Diego (of people, not animals) revealed that women are more attracted to men with furry bodies, regardless of the silhouette. Scientists theorize that body hair advertises good health and active hormones, making it a positive sign in the selection of a mate. For further proof, just listen to Laura McNeely of Spring, TX: “I always love noticing that a guy, especially a clean-cut one, has a little bit of chest hair sticking up out of his Oxford shirt. It’s like saying, ‘I may have an uptight job, but there’s a caveman lurking inside.’”

3. She loves your unnatural emotional attachment to your favorite sports team
Most men learn by their teens to downplay their obsession with professional sports in front of the ladies. But David Wygant, author of Always Talk to Strangers: 3 Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life, says that revealing certain elements of your big-league insanity to a woman will make her feel more connected to you. “Men try to hide when our eyes get all wet during the last 30 seconds of a game or when we see our fellow men get all emotional on the sidelines, but after a long season, we need that emotional release,” Wygant says. And the truth is, women would rather see you get sappy over sports than never see you act mushy at all — it lets them know there’s a sensitive guy underneath. And if you are prone to hugging your friends after your team wins? You just added some bonus points!

4. She loves when you act tough
While women often want an evolved, emotionally available man these days, putting a little “wild man” demeanor into your repertoire can equal popularity on the dating scene. “Most women want bad-boy qualities so they don’t have to act perfect all the time,” says Nancy Slotnick, author of Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less. After all, if a woman is afraid to be anything less than perfect in front of you, your relationship will be stifled and you’ll both end up bored. Anne Giddens of Wilmington, NC, adds: “A lot of guys are total gentlemen on dates, so being with someone who mouths off a bit shows that he’ll protect me if something happens. And that, in turn, makes me feel girlie and taken care of. It’s a total turn-on.” Hint at your bad-boy side by being slightly protective of your girl when someone else talks to her, suggesting thrill-type dates — which can increase adrenaline production and promote physical attraction — or simply planning a date without consulting her (spontaneity in general is a good thing). Of course, don’t do anything that’s actually disrespectful or dangerous — that’s not the kind of bad-boy behavior anyone wants.

5. She loves your artsy side
You don’t need a fat paycheck to appeal to the ladies. They actually find the “I’m working on a screenplay” lifestyle alluring. A recent study found that artists and poets had experienced a total of 4-10 romantic partners, while people with less creative jobs had three. According to the study’s author, Daniel Nettle, Ph.D., a psychology lecturer at Newcastle University, creative people tend to be charismatic and their artistic pursuits are particularly interesting to others. The study also found that the number of romantic partners an artsy type had increased when he spent more time on creative, right-brained pursuits. And you don’t have to be a starving artist to appeal to women. Even if you’re an investment analyst, you might play the saxophone on the side. So flaunt that hobby — women dig guys with creativity.

6. She loves your geeky electronics obsession
Your wall of speaker cords. Your closet full of video games. Your wireless universe. Believe it or not, the very things that women roll their eyes about can also be the things that draw them in, too. “When a guy shows a woman some new gadget, it shows his intelligence,” says Andrea Miller, founder and CEO of Tango, a magazine about love. “It’s also always attractive when someone has a passion.” May Beach from Pine Hill, NJ, agrees: “Sometimes when I see my boyfriend working furiously at his laptop, it’s the most endearing thing,” she admits. “It’s like the difference between knowing a guy speaks a foreign language — ho-hum — and hearing him converse fluently in it — hot!” So don’t be afraid to share your excitement about a bit of computer hardware — just don’t expect her to stand in line overnight with you, waiting with bated breath for it to hit the shelves.

Things mid-lifers want from relationships

When you’re dating in midlife, it soon becomes obvious that your — not to mention your date’s — idea of a good relationship has most likely changed since you were first single. Whether it’s that playing the field has taken a backseat to great conversation or that desire to start a family has been replaced with a desire to blend families, midlife singles have different priorities when it comes to their idea of what makes a perfect partnership, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author and host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” television and radio programs. Ready for a real-deal midlife relationship? Below, learn the relationship components that she says are most desired by midlife singles looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll gain great insights into what you should be searching for, too!

1. A perfectly independent person
For many single boomers, finding a mate who is self-sufficient is paramount, says Orbuch. “Singles over 50 who are looking for love are usually turned off by a date who is unable to do things on his or her own or is dependent on others when it comes to performing general household tasks,” she explains. Larry, 57, a retired teacher in Bronxville, NY, remembers recently dating a woman who had never paid her own bills or balanced her own checkbook: “It really surprised me that she had lived her entire life being completely in the dark when it came to managing her finances. These days, I’m looking for someone who’s more independent than that — a woman who doesn’t need me to take care of her.” Carol, 61, a social worker in Englewood, NJ, feels similarly: “I’m always surprised at how many men my age can’t cook for themselves or even do their own laundry. I’ve already raised three kids; I’m not interested in ‘mothering’ anyone else. I need a man who is self-sufficient enough to take care of himself, someone who’s looking for a real companion and lover and not a caretaker in the domestic sense of the word.”

2. An understanding of the ex factor
When you’re dating in midlife, there’s a good chance your date’s been married before and, as a result, comes with some strings attached. Because of this, most midlife singles are looking for partners who are willing to take an interest in their kids — or at the very least coexist peacefully with their offspring and, in many circumstances, their ex and former in-laws. Gina, 58, a real estate agent in Bellevue, WA, says it’s vital that a partner accept the fact that her ex and his family are still a big part of her life: “My ex-husband and I actively share custody of our kids, so he and I frequently communicate about them. Additionally, because his parents and I are still close and they are a big part of my kids’ lives, I see them a good amount, too. If the man I date is threatened by this, our relationship won’t last.”

3. More romance, and in subtle ways
Midlife singles say their definition of physical intimacy may have changed as they’ve gotten older, observes Orbuch, noting that touch, affection and other forms of intimacy are equally important to midlife singles. “I’ve had great chemistry in the past, sure, but getting into relationships that were not fueled by much more than physical passion led me to two divorces,” says Mary, 50, an office manager in Hendersonville, TN. “Now I need more from a guy to feel like we’re really connecting on a meaningful level, or at least one that qualifies itself as relationship-worthy. He’s got to be genuinely affectionate with me — holding my hand, kissing me sweetly and hugging me after a long day to really keep my attention and communicate to me that he loves me. I guess I’ve realized that physical chemistry doesn’t mean love and that this other kind of stuff does.”

As men age, they often discover the joys of small, casual displays of affection, too. “I’m all for cuddling these days, certainly in a way that I wasn’t when I was younger,” says Ben, 65, a writer in Hacienda Heights, CA. “Maybe it’s because I’m not the hormonal devil I was in my youth, or maybe because it’s that I’ve realized that establishing a really intimate connection with someone needs to exist in everyday life.” While science suggests that a decline in testosterone production accounts for this shift, other doctors chalk it up to a mature man’s ability to better express himself emotionally.

4. Keep it harmonious, please
For many midlife singles, the emotional aftermath of a messy divorce leads them to seek as easy and pleasant a relationship as possible. “Toward the end of my relationship, my wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs, saying really hurtful things to each other. It had become like that movie The War of the Roses. The last thing I wanted was another relationship roller coaster,” says David, 52, a landscaper in Rockville, MD. “The number one quality I’m looking for in a partner is that she’s a caring, warm person.” Robin, 54, an executive assistant in Kansas City, MO, also says that her painful divorce caused her to truly value supportiveness. “My ex and I really battled it out in court; it was very one side against the other. I’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime! What I want is for it to be smooth sailing — none of this fiery stuff.”

Orbuch said she’s heard these types of sentiments repeatedly. “When I speak with singles over 50, they, especially the ones who’ve been divorced, always say they need and want someone who is emotionally mature,” she says. “When pushed to clarify, they laugh and say, ‘You know, someone who isn’t afraid to be loving, kind and understanding.’”

5. Excitement!
Who says excitement is only for the young? “I’m 58, but deep down I feel 35,” says Diane, a real estate agent in Pittsburgh, PA. “I want to meet someone with whom I can have fun and enjoy life. I once dated this guy who just wanted to stay inside and watch CBNC all day. What kind of fun is that? I’ve got a cabin at the lake and I love hiking, mountain biking and kayaking up there. I want to meet someone who will be able to participate in those activities with me.”

Randy, 60, an automobile dealership owner in Lake Forest, IL, says he’s looking for someone adventurous enough to share his love of exotic travel. “At this point in my life, I’ve already put my kids through school and am now able to travel a lot for pleasure,” he says. “I want to enjoy traveling to all the places I’ve always wanted to see, like Belize to bonefish and Tibet to climb mountains and go on a yoga retreat. In the past, I’ve met ladies who, when I mentioned these ideas, said things like ‘Fishing?’ or ‘I’m too old for mountain climbing!’ I don’t feel too old at all! And it doesn’t have to be that exotic — just trying a new, exotic restaurant is fun. It’s about taking some risks and growing. Now is the best time of your life to do this kind of thing. Savor it!”

Ways to break the ice

It’s one of the biggest first-date fears: “What if we don’t have anything to talk about?” To help ease any awkward, uncomfortable silences, try one of these conversation starters, courtesy of an array of experts — including dating coaches, relationship experts and lots of smooth-talking single people.

1. “I love your name; what’s the origin? Were you named after anyone in particular?”
Just about everyone’s name has a backstory attached to it, says Mira Kirshenbaum, dating coach and author of The Weekend Marriage. You’ll probably get a fun, learn-about-your-date’s-family exchange out of this remark.

2. “Where did you go on your last trip?”
Whether it was an exotic safari or just a weekend in the country, people love to talk about the places they’ve traveled, according to Elizabeth Bates of Boston, MA. Plus, you’ll find out whether your date is more drawn to cities, beaches, or exotic foreign locales — giving you still more conversational fodder.

3. “If you could do college over again, what would you study?”
Perhaps he would forget economics and take theater, for example, or she would go for one of the sciences. This question definitely gets people talking and reveals their innermost wishes.

4. “What’s your favorite new restaurant?”
You’ll have an instant window into your date’s likes and dislikes when it comes to cuisine. And if that topic doesn’t pan out, ask about his or her favorite dishes to cook at home, advises Stephanie Whitehead of New York, NY.

5. “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve done in the last month?”
If someone can’t remember ever doing anything spontaneous, that tells you something, too.

6. “What trait do your friends tease you about?”
You’ll learn how your date’s friends see this person, as well as how seriously your date takes their playful (or not-so-playful) ribbing.

7. “What’s your take on ____ (current event)?”
Skimming the news sites before your date keeps you current, suggests Steven Kim of Philadelphia, PA. Not that you need to engage in serious, CNN-style discussions; instead, keep it light and avoid controversial topics (war, politics, religion), unless you really want to feel like you’re on The Daily Show instead of a date.

8. “How do you know ____(mutual friend)?”
Obviously, this one will only work if you have a friend in common — but if you have that in your corner, work it, suggests Tim Sanders, relationship expert and author of The Likeability Factor. You’ll each be able to blab about how you met the mutual pal, what you think of your buddy’s newest adventure, and so on.

9. “What are you reading right now?”
Even if it’s just a magazine, everyone does a little browsing. Find out about what’s sitting on the bedside table or recently downloaded to your date’s Kindle, says Alyssa Citarella of Norwalk, CT, and you’ll learn something about this person’s literary tastes and hobbies, which can act as a springboard into other conversations later on.

10. “Can you believe this ____(heat/cold spell?) It makes me want to move to ____. How about you?”
The weather may be a predictable topic, but the way you pose the question doesn’t have to be. Chances are, your date will reveal whether or not he or she has considered relocating to another clime and why, offers Mira Kirshenbaum.

11. “Who in your family do you take after the most?”
Whether your date mentions mom, dad, or great-aunt Louisa, you’ll learn something about his or her personality, as well as how close this person is to other family members.

12. “What’s on your iPod these days?”
Discover where your musical tastes mesh and diverge. And if your date doesn’t have an iPod? “Well, that’s a whole other topic for discussion,” suggests Theresa O’Rourke of New York, NY.

13. “You’ve got just $20 to your name. How would you choose to spend it?”
While this question may not be as fun to answer as “You’ve won the lottery — what would you buy?” it can provoke an interesting discussion about priorities.

14.“Are you a morning person or a night person?”
A random, fun question like this shows you’re not always serious, all the time.

15. “What’s the last good movie you saw?”
This can lead into which new films you’re interested in seeing together — maybe on your next date, suggests Stephanie Whitehead.

16. “Leno or Letterman — or Jon Stewart?”
Most people swear allegiance to one of these nighttime chat-show hosts — find out whom your date invites into his or her bedroom every night.

17. “Do you collect anything?”
This question has a strange way of starting a conversation when you least expect it. Chances are, your date either has a collection to talk about with gusto — or will share a bad collecting experience from childhood that’ll get you both gabbing away.

18. “Do you have any secrets? Are you willing to reveal one to me?”
Even if the answer is that she (or he) is wearing yesterday’s jeans, revealing a personal detail creates an immediate level of intimacy between two people — although it’s best to wait until you’ve both had a few fun, chatty exchanges already (or at least until the dessert arrives) before you deliver this one, advises Tim Sanders.

19. “What’s your dream job?”
Ask this first, then follow up with a short description of your own past and future aspirations, advises Mira Kirshenbaum.

20. “Who do you admire these days?”
Lance Armstrong? Neil Armstrong? Either way, the explanation will be very revealing, explains Patricia Madson, author of Improv Wisdom and a professor of drama at Stanford University.

Smart men, foolish relationship choices

Men — even very smart men — can find themselves in all sorts of pitfalls, pratfalls and bizarre situations on the journey to finding true romance. Do any of these distinctly XY uh-ohs ring true with you?

Choosing a mate for her looks
Sure, looks matter. But be careful what you wish for: “What I find is often true with a guy who is dating a beautiful woman is that he starts out by feeling great that he’s with this hot person,” says Ron May, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, WI, who is on the editorial board for The Psychology of Men and Masculinity. “But then, he starts to fear that other men might want her. He becomes jealous, and that can undermine the relationship.”

Assuming you’re always the “reasonable” one
Men often take undeserved pride in being more rational, but the reality is that “everyone has a reasonable side and a side that can get unreasonable at times,” says Daniel L. Buccino, a clinical social worker and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, MD. “In the early stages of a relationship, when there are a lot of hormones and lust, people sometimes overlook the underlying issues. If a woman behaves poorly, her partner could try to convince himself that this is OK, that it will pass and that she’s acting this way because all women are more emotional than men. The reality could simply be that she’s not a good match for him.”

Buccino adds: “I often see the scenario of the so-called ‘nice guy’ dealing with the so-called ‘mean’ girlfriend, when it turns out they’re both being difficult. Despite his mellow exterior, a man can be very controlling about many issues. He really needs to have things his way. He tries to do this in what seems to be a very nice and reasonable way, but when she gets emotional in response to his inflexibility, he can step back and say, ‘Of course I am the reasonable one.’ Then he feels more righteous.”

Trying to “fix” everything
When presented with a relationship challenge, men often revert to Mr. Fix-It mode. “It’s a product of growing up in a male culture that emphasizes being in control. A lot of our work is oriented toward figuring things out and rationalizing things,” May says. Such skills are less valuable when it comes to relationships, where facial expressions and unspoken messages are key to good communication. “A woman might say, ‘When you’re off traveling on a business trip, I begin to feel lonely and scared,’” May says. “The classic “overly rational” male response — ‘That doesn’t make sense, you are a successful woman with lots of friends’ — invalidates her true feeling, which is that she wants to feel close to and desired by her husband.”

Suppressing negative emotions
Surprisingly, many men find the quintessential male emotion as scary as a dark room is to a small child. “Men are often afraid that if they allow themselves to feel angry, they will be violent. As a therapist, I try to get them to talk about whether they have lost control of their anger. I ask, “Have you ever hit someone or destroyed property?” says Bob Maslow, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Charlottesville, VA, and the author of Men, Women and the Power of Empathy. “When they realize they haven’t, that gives them the support they need to trust that they will be able to express their anger in a nondestructive way.” Says Maslow: “If you always bury your anger, you become distant and withdrawn. To a mature woman, that’s more threatening than an expression of anger.” Gloria Tate, a Dallas-based family counselor, observes that a man who’s learned to conceal his anger can punish his partner in many ways: “The public thinks that only women withhold affection, but it’s a controlling behavior on the part of men, too. Some men do it for years. Men also cheat when they’re angry.”

Picking partners that need to be rescued
Both genders can suffer from “White Knight Syndrome” — the desire to rescue a romantic partner from his or her personal problems. But because a white-knight man is also fulfilling the traditional role of caring for a woman, he might end up hiding his true motives from both his partner and himself according to LeslieBeth Wish, a social worker in Sarasota, FL, who writes the “Relationship Realities” column at qualityhealth.com. “If you feel damaged or empty psychologically; if you were the black sheep of your family, for example, you might choose someone who is more needy and therefore more vulnerable than you are,” Wish says, adding: “A man should ask himself, ‘Do I tend to be in cyclical patterns with women who look up to me? Would I be comfortable with a woman who makes as much as or more money than me, has lots of interests and capabilities, and doesn’t have any serious limitations?’”

Cheating
Despite the swaggering image, the “player” or “lady killer” (to use that quaint term from our grandparents’ time) may not be as self-confident as he appears. “Cheating is a way of putting up a shield against intimacy and protecting yourself so you don’t get hurt,” says Karen Shanor, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C., and author of seven books on relationships. “A lot of times, very early on in a relationship we will get a lot of signals that a person is not trustworthy,” Shanor says. Emotionally aware people respond to these warning signals by getting out as fast as they can. But some men engage in what Shanor calls “defensive cheating,” thinking: “I better cheat on her first so she doesn’t hurt me.”

If any of the above behaviors sound a little too familiar, what can you do?

Self-awareness is critical to relationship success
Maslow says: “Typically, men won’t share vulnerable feelings with other men. But a man can get a lot of terrific support from a close female friend or possibly a sister.” Wish advises: “Get outside your comfort zone and date different kinds of women.” Buccino tries to get his patients — both male and female — to seek a partner who provides what he calls the “Confucian virtues” of being “responsible, reliable and trustworthy.” After all, explains Buccino, “The best way to elicit good behavior from others is to behave that way ourselves.”

 Signs You're Ready for a Relationship

1. You feel like you are good on your own
2. You feel confident
3. Your mood is stable- you don’t let the little ups and downs of life throw you overboard
4. You can hear other people’s opinions and criticism and not take it personally
5. Your worth isn’t directly related to what other people think. (As long as it is, you are too vulnerable to date).
6. You aren’t preoccupied with your ex, your emotions are no longer raw
7. You can think of the past and just feel mostly gratitude for what you learned AND you can explain what you learned, how you contributed to the cycle, and how you will proceed differently. If you can’t name those things, you aren’t ready to date, because you’ll just make the same mistakes.
8. You now have interests, hobbies, and friendships that you are passionate about and invested in and you are serious about not dropping them for ANY man!
9. Ask your friends- they will know! ;)

Excuses Guys Use To Explain Their Behavior

Just like any stupid guy, I made the mistake of generalizing women based on a few experiences. A reader reached out to me in the wake of a man's post and posed an interesting question:

"How do you explain your insanity?"

From a man's view point

At first I thought, when do men exibit insane behavior? Aren't we the masters of practicality? I reflected and realized that I do have my cranky moments and random outbursts of anger — though they are few and far between, I must say.

When I thought about what causes this stress and anger, I was shocked that I too have insane reasons for explaining my behavior. So, I'm going to even up the score.

Here are my insane reasons for male crankiness

My Sports Team Lost
Football can be brutal. First of all it's on a Sunday, so all night after the Ravens lose, I'm left with a toxic feeling of dreading work and lamenting why we didn't pass on that crucial 4th and 1 instead of running. I go to sleep thinking about the game. I wake up thinking about the game. Just like a physical injury, it hurts more the next day. And then I have the awful duty of going to the baltimoresun.com and perusing the fallout about the disastrous game.  

The Orioles and Maryland Terps make me just as miserable when they lose (which happens quite often). I can't do anything — even smile. I do my best not to be mean to a girl I'm dating, but sometimes I take it out on her.

I Haven't Masturbated for a full ten minutes
Sure, I'm exaggerating, but guys do go nuts when we don't satisfy ourselves at a reasonable rate. Just think back to the old Seinfeld episode when the characters try to see who can go longest without masturbating. Everyone ends up quite irritable by the end of the episode.

Work's Got Me Down
Work is universally annoying and frustrating. Why can't we leave our anger and frustration in the office? It's irrational that I'd be cranky toward someone who has absolutely nothing to do with work, but it happens.

Not Enough Time To Myself
Seems like it's more logical to get annoyed that you haven't gotten to do anything fun for a while. But I need time to decompress. Decompressing for me is reading dumb stuff on Wikipedia, baltimoresun.com sports, coffee, cooking and more coffee. When a girl wants to see me, I obviously like it, but I can get cranky if I don't get enough time to do nothing on my own.

I'm Lost
I get lost all the time but, because I always think I know a way out, I get annoyed when a girl suggests I ask someone or use a map.

Ultimately, it seems that men and women get cranky over pretty minor things. Most often, things could be worse. It's strange that we take out this anger on the person we love most. Perhaps we know we can do it, but it's still not right.