Qualities That Men Look For In Women

 Female quality 1: She has a life of her own

Say ‘cheerio’ to the helpless heroine from classic literature, and ‘well, hello!’ to the contemporary independent woman. It’s important to show that you’re self-sufficient when you’re trying to impress a man, and it’s equally as important to maintain this when you’re in a relationship. The average modern man doesn’t want a lady to be clinging onto him all the time – it makes him feel suffocated. Rather than ditching your friends and family to spend time with a new love interest, make sure you keep separate plans in your diary at all times. Never feel as though you wouldn’t have a life if this person wasn’t in it; get out there and show that you have a vibrant lifestyle aside from him. A relationship should enhance your life, not rule it.

Female quality 2: She is honest and loyal

Be honest with your love interest. If you tell them that a) you’re married and going through a particularly difficult divorce; b) you have a strange obsession with feet; or c) anything else that could potentially make them run for the hills, then you’ve done the right thing. Okay, maybe hold back on option b for now, but you see what we’re getting at. Anything that they may find out further down the line and could put them off should be made clear from the outset, or you risk wasting the time of you both. Don’t sugar-coat anything – if this man likes you enough, he will want to help you through difficult situations rather than leaving you to it. If either you or your love interest can’t accept the truth about one another’s past or present lives, you shouldn’t think about getting together because you won’t be able to look to the future.

Female quality 3: She looks after herself

This is one thing that hasn’t changed since the days of our most distant ancestors; men like a woman who takes a pride in her appearance and vice versa. We’re not talking about being a tall, slim supermodel – it’s not all about looks – but a little primping and preening here and there goes a long way. There’s no need to dress up in a ball gown and tiara for a date, but do wear something that accentuates your fantastic figure. Wear makeup to highlight your natural features; style your hair to compliment your face; and spritz on your favourite scent to boost your confidence – hello gorgeous! Styling yourself to make you feel your best leads to a more confident you and that’s another trait that men look for in women.

Female quality 4: She is self-confident

Gone are the days when the timid damsel in distress attracted the handsome, strong man; nowadays, being needy attracts little more than a few raised eyebrows. Despite coming across as confident, rarely do the celebrities you see in the media feel as bold and confident as they look. It’s all about faking it. Instead of zoning in on your weaknesses, develop and maximise your strengths to put you in the right frame of mind. Make sure you use your body language to your advantage, as this can help you to fake confidence when really you might prefer it if the ground were to swallow you up. Stand tall, make eye contact, and smile, for an instantly more confident you.

Female quality 5: She is mature and well-spoken

Baby talk can be cute but don’t use it too often, sugar bunny. Your average modern man likes his woman to be able to hold down an intellectual conversation as well as having a good sense of humour, and cutie-overload could put him off. Talk about interesting topics and be sure to listen to him as well as inputting your own thoughts and ideas into the conversation. Hold back on slang words for your first few dates and avoid swear words too, as they come across as uncouth.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a modern man looks for different qualities in a woman than he may have done in the 1800s and – whilst no man is ever the same and may look for different qualities in a woman – it’s a good idea to take these tips on board to boost your dating potential.

Easy Ways to Make Your Relationship Stronger

 

  These quick tips will make any relationship stronger. If you’re fed up of fighting, tired of trust issues or just plain bored, read these five tips to make your relationship better: 

 

Make your relationship better by addressing old issues

Fights, jealousy and previous misdemeanours upset our little bubble of romance and can make relationships a tricky minefield. If you find yourself constantly arguing over the same issues, or blowing up in anger over the smallest of triggers, it may be because you and your partner have not addressed some old issues. Next time this happens, try to stay calm and work out why you have reacted in this way. If you recognise that you are angry about something that has happened in the past it is time to be brave and sit down with your partner to discuss it. Try not to accuse them. Instead talk through the problem, being as clear as possible about the way you feel. Try to look them in the eyes, as this helps build trust and intimacy. Once you’ve talked through your feelings attempt to work out a solution together. Although it may take a long time to heal this unresolved issue, if you feel you cannot forgive the person, it may be time to walk away. These issues will only continue to repeat themselves.

Make your relationship better by taking time out 

Between going to work, keeping fit and doing chores, it can be difficult to find the time to spend some decent time with your partner. In the UK alone, a typical childless couple only spends an average of two and a half hours a day with their partner, and of that time nearly an entire hour is spent watching TV. If that sounds familiar it’s time to make some changes. Firstly, have a TV ban and take your partner on some dates. If you’re struggling for ideas, pretend that you are going on your first few dates. Where would you take a guy or girl to impress them; a romantic hillside spot for a picnic or a trendy bar to see a new band? Choose locations that allow you both to talk to one another and ideally that are new to you both. Sharing new experiences will help reinvigorate your love life and will bring you both closer together. Remember, these dates are all about fun, so enjoy it. 

Make your relationship better by changing gender 

The opposite sex can seem like a different species. Men and women have different habits, ideals and needs. Therefore it’s no surprise that we often find it difficult to get along with each other. The key to a good relationship is to understand that we are not alike. We will not always share the same attitudes or perspectives. So, the next time your guy tells you that you are overreacting, or your girl tells you that you don’t care, listen to them. Instead of exploding with rage at their idiocy, ask them why they think that and actually take what they say on board. You then need to explain, clearly and calmly, why you think otherwise. This is not to say that you should use their gender as an excuse when they treat you badly. However, trying to get into one another’s mindset and understanding why your partner acts in a certain way may help you overcome many nasty obstacles and end a lot of fights. 

Make your relationship better by getting more sex

Sex can be a chore. After a long day at work do we really want someone getting hot and sweaty on us? We could have another 20 minutes in bed! Yet, the more we do it the more we want it. So at times, although it sounds very unromantic, it can be best to just power through and do it a few times a week. Once you’ve combated your reluctance, you’ll reap all of the benefits. Not only are there zillions of health perks to having regular sex, your relationship will also benefit. This is because when we have sex the love drug, oxytocin, is released, which makes us build up a strong bond with the guy or girl we’re in bed with. It also promotes trust and makes us feel more generous towards one another. The best way to get more sex is to make sure you and your partner consider it to be a priority. Also try to find a time that suits you. If you get too tired to have sex before bed, try to do it in the morning or when you first get home.    

Make your relationship better by spending time apart 

Okay, we know that we are at risk of contradicting ourselves, but relationships are all about balance. So although you need to make sure you spend quality time together, it’s also not healthy to live in a two person love nest constantly.  Not only will your partner’s every move start to irritate you beyond belief, but boredom may begin to creep into your relationship. Having your own interests, social scene and hobbies will help keep you stimulated, balanced and healthy, and these qualities will inevitably also pass on into your relationship too. The trick to spending time apart is to agree with your partner how much “time off” you want to give each other. Once agreed, find something that excites you. This may be a holiday with friends, a charity challenge or training for a new event, like a 10k or marathon. Choose something that helps you develop as an individual as this will help you feel more independent and more interesting within yourself and your relationship.

Qualities that Men Look for in Women

 

 

Oh, how relationships have changed since the romance of Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Here are the most popular qualities that modern men look for in women:

Female quality 1: She has a life of her own

Say ‘cheerio’ to the helpless heroine from classic literature, and ‘well, hello!’ to the contemporary independent woman. It’s important to show that you’re self-sufficient when you’re trying to impress a man, and it’s equally as important to maintain this when you’re in a relationship. The average modern man doesn’t want a lady to be clinging onto him all the time – it makes him feel suffocated. Rather than ditching your friends and family to spend time with a new love interest, make sure you keep separate plans in your diary at all times. Never feel as though you wouldn’t have a life if this person wasn’t in it; get out there and show that you have a vibrant lifestyle aside from him. A relationship should enhance your life, not rule it.

Female quality 2: She is honest and loyal

Be honest with your love interest. If you tell them that a) you’re married and going through a particularly difficult divorce; b) you have a strange obsession with feet; or c) anything else that could potentially make them run for the hills, then you’ve done the right thing. Okay, maybe hold back on option b for now, but you see what we’re getting at. Anything that they may find out further down the line and could put them off should be made clear from the outset, or you risk wasting the time of you both. Don’t sugar-coat anything – if this man likes you enough, he will want to help you through difficult situations rather than leaving you to it. If either you or your love interest can’t accept the truth about one another’s past or present lives, you shouldn’t think about getting together because you won’t be able to look to the future.

Female quality 3: She looks after herself

This is one thing that hasn’t changed since the days of our most distant ancestors; men like a woman who takes a pride in her appearance and vice versa. We’re not talking about being a tall, slim supermodel – it’s not all about looks – but a little primping and preening here and there goes a long way. There’s no need to dress up in a ball gown and tiara for a date, but do wear something that accentuates your fantastic figure. Wear makeup to highlight your natural features; style your hair to compliment your face; and spritz on your favourite scent to boost your confidence – hello gorgeous! Styling yourself to make you feel your best leads to a more confident you and that’s another trait that men look for in women.

Female quality 4: She is self-confident

Gone are the days when the timid damsel in distress attracted the handsome, strong man; nowadays, being needy attracts little more than a few raised eyebrows. Despite coming across as confident, rarely do the celebrities you see in the media feel as bold and confident as they look. It’s all about faking it. Instead of zoning in on your weaknesses, develop and maximise your strengths to put you in the right frame of mind. Make sure you use your body language to your advantage, as this can help you to fake confidence when really you might prefer it if the ground were to swallow you up. Stand tall, make eye contact, and smile, for an instantly more confident you.

couple on beach

Female quality 5: She is mature and well-spoken

Baby talk can be cute but don’t use it too often, sugar bunny. Your average modern man likes his woman to be able to hold down an intellectual conversation as well as having a good sense of humour, and cutie-overload could put him off. Talk about interesting topics and be sure to listen to him as well as inputting your own thoughts and ideas into the conversation. Hold back on slang words for your first few dates and avoid swear words too, as they come across as uncouth.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a modern man looks for different qualities in a woman than he may have done in the 1800s and – whilst no man is ever the same and may look for different qualities in a woman – it’s a good idea to take these tips on board to boost your dating potential.

How to Know It's Real Love

Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society? There are my five ways to get a real grip on the real thing.

 

 In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies).

This story survived throughout Europe for a very long time because it is highly instructive: It reminds listeners that in matters of love, choosing style over substance is disastrous. It also helps us know when we're making that mistake. Salt is unique in that its taste doesn't cover up the food it seasons but enhances whatever flavor was there to begin with. Real love, real commitment, does the same thing.

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

1. I can live without you, no problem.

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." It sounds so tragically deep to say that losing your lover's affections would make life unlivable—but have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose survival truly seemed to depend on your love? Someone who sat around waiting for you to make life bearable, who threatened to commit suicide if you ever broke up? Or have you found yourself on the grasping side of the equation, needing your partner the way you need oxygen? The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

The statement "I can't survive without you" reflects not adult attraction but infancy, a phase when we really would have died if our caretakers hadn't stayed close by, continuously anticipating our needs. The hunger for total nurturing usually means we're in the middle of a psychological regression, feeling like abandoned infants who need parenting now, now, now! If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. The "I can't live without you" syndrome ends when we learn to care for ourselves as tenderly and attentively as a good mother. At that point, we're ready to form stable, lasting attachments that can last a lifetime. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

 2. My love for you will definitely change.

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. It's understandable, then, that the promise "My love for you will never change" is a hot seller. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything—and everyone—is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests, and drop old ones. And when two individuals are constantly in flux, their relationship must be fluid to survive. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. Infatuation relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we see new things to love about each other. In times of trouble and illness, obligation may feel stronger than attraction—until one day we realize that hanging in there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its way past obstacles. Freezing it in place makes it fragile, rigid, and all too likely to shatter.

3. You're not everything I need.

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs," each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

It amazes me how often my clients' significant others feel threatened when the clients revive childhood passions or take up new hobbies. I encourage people to bring their spooked spouses to a session so we can discuss their fears. The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like this: "How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I'm not enough to keep you happy?" The healthiest response to such questions is "That's right, our relationship isn't enough to make me completely happy—and if I pretended it were, I'd stunt my soul and poison my love for you. Ever thought about what you'd like to do on your own?" Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You End a Relationship

After another endless fight, breaking up may feel like the only way out of this mess. But here are a few things to consider before calling it quits.

 

 1. Am I jumping to conclusions?

Molly Barrow, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Matchlines for Singles, says that she often sees women who assume their unhappiness is entirely caused by their partner. If you're convinced that your spouse is the problem, and especially if you find yourself repeatedly and testily telling him all the reasons he's standing in the way of your damn joy, then Barrow recommends that you put your thoughts down on paper. "Slow the communication down to a crawl," she says. This does not mean berating your husband or boyfriend for 22 pages. (We can't stop you, of course, but if you do that, rip those suckers up and start again.) The idea is that once you've stepped away from your typical fight, you can acknowledge your part in the stress party happening at your house—stretched finances, pressure at work, feelings of depression, or exhaustion from juggling the needs of your children. The letter serves two purposes: It lets him know what's actually upsetting you and clues you in too.
2. How big is the gap between my partner and me?

We all know that Prince Charming doesn't exist. We tell ourselves our expectations are realistic. Still, the questions we ask ourselves about our relationships ( Is there still passion? Do I find him attractive? How can he figure out how to keep food warm in a subzero parking lot for his after-hockey practice potluck but forget his own child's birthday?) are often too surface to matter, says Barrow. What she means is that the cracks that occur over time because of an unsatisfying sexual relationship, lack of communication or contrasts in personality aren't necessarily irreparable. Unlike obvious deal breakers—long-term goals that are out of whack, an inability for your partner to celebrate your success, substance abuse or unprotected infidelity—many of these issues can be addressed if both parties are willing to work, respect the other's right to disagree and can be a teeny bit flexible. 

 

 3. Have I taken a floating holiday...by myself?

"You absolutely cannot change your partner," says Barrow, "but just like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, if Ginger goes another direction, the dance looks different." What she means is to try something unexpected. For instance, you might get "a little divorced," a phrase Rachel Zucker coined in the New York Times, by escaping from your family/partner for a few days. (Or go for a long walk if this isn't possible.) A time-out, even a short one, will give you an opportunity to think about how you can make changes that will improve life in your world. Reconnecting with friends, limiting your commitments to your kids' school or taking a rock-climbing class at the gym could help you ease some of the tension in you and in your relationship.
4. How big will the ripple effect be?

We know some married women who fall into a "grass is always greener and full of mojitos" daydream of Life Without Him. Maybe you've envisioned whole weekends when you can decide what to do and when to do it. You may have even thought about the downside of how your day-to-day might change: Paying the bills could become more of a challenge, or getting to the gym for an hour after you've lost your built-in babysitter might not be possible. But have you ruthlessly considered post-spouse life? For one thing, your husband may want to take a more active role in decisions he previously left up to you, like playdates or extracurricular activities involving your children. For another, dating is not like it was when you were 25. If you're in your 30s (and beyond), do you imagine parties filled with a sea of smart, funny, charming fellas? You are not wrong. Except the men at these parties are often married, or encumbered with girlfriends (or boyfriends), or muddling through horrific divorces themselves. Barrow suggests you think about every aspect of the daydream and compare it to what you have: a guy who knows, among other things, how to hot-wire a Crock-Pot to a car dashboard. Okay—that's a little glib, but the point is that it's easy to tell ourselves that we've really thought out this other fantasy life. And it's supereasy to judge the imperfections in the person we've been with for ages. But it's not fair to your spouse (or to you).

You may find that it takes months to answer these questions and to decide whether the relationship is worth saving, not to mention months to actually save it. But trying to salvage the relationship after you've already severed ties, says Barrow, is next to impossible.

When It's Time to Leave a Relationship

Five women who were stuck in unfulfilling relationships share their wake-up moments.

 

 Alexis Smith: "I wanted to believe him"

Her Story
Alexis was a party girl studying fashion, and George was a shy art student when they met in college. "We were attracted to what the other had to offer," Alexis says. After years of dating, she married George, shortly after giving birth to their first son.

Alexis began to notice a change in her marriage once her husband opened an art gallery and started staying out late. George admitted to cheating on Alexis while she was pregnant with their third child.
Wake-Up Moment
George begged forgiveness, and Alexis, who was eight months pregnant, gave him another chance. They moved from Manhattan to a quaint country house. But, on the first Christmas Eve in their new home, Alexis discovered that George was in love with another woman and decided that it was time to leave him—for good.
Resolution
George moved out, and Alexis was on her own. That's when she realized she'd been on her own for years. When George was once again ready to reconcile, Alexis had an epiphany: "If I go back now, I'll lose any self-respect I've mustered over the past months." She carried on building up her own clothing line and then, unexpectedly, fell in love. "I never thought I'd find love again. Or that someone would love me for me." 

Myra Tillotson Nuriddin: "Seven years of invisibility piled up"

Her Story
Myra was 47 years old and divorced when she met Sulaiman, a man who had 10 children from three previous relationships. Myra, mother to a grown son, and Sulaiman eventually said their "I dos." Their decision not to invite all of Sulaiman's children to the wedding backfired, and Myra's relationship with her stepchildren suffered. Tension built up for years, and Myra often felt disrespected and resented by Sulaiman's children. "But if I brought it up with Sulaiman, he'd say, 'Don't play children's games—you'll never win,'" Myra says.
Wake-Up Moment
One Christmas Eve, Myra invited all of Sulaiman's children over for dinner. After a full day of cooking, her stepchildren trickled in more than an hour late. Angry and hurt, Myra remembers Sulaiman's oldest son walking right past her when he finally arrived for dinner. "Seven years of painful invisibility piled up into that one moment, and I lost it," Myra says.
Resolution
After confronting Sulaiman with her concerns, she found a therapist who suggested that she and Sulaiman try an Imago workshop focusing on couples and communication. At the workshop, they learned how to "mirror" each other. "When I'm angry, Sulaiman repeats what I'm saying to him before he responds. That calms me instantly," Myra says.

The Imago method has also helped work things out with her stepchildren. For their 10th wedding anniversary, Myra and Sulaiman renewed their vows. "All the kids were invited," Myra says. "When I first said 'I do' to Sulaiman, I thought it was just the two of us. This second time around, I knew it was actually 13." 

Michelle Barrett: "We'd get meaner with every fight"

Her Story
Michelle began dating Joe, a rival marketing rep who proposed a year later over ice cream cones in the park. Soon after, the fighting began. "We were constantly getting into stupid arguments that left me feeling alone," Michelle says. They sought help but the arguments continued to escalate. "We'd get meaner with each fight," Michelle recalls. "I threatened to leave, and he called my bluff. That's when I got really scared."
Wake-Up Moment
Michelle's biggest fear was losing Joe. A friend mentioned a weekend "reconnecting" workshop for couples, but Michelle had burned out on therapists. Faced with a decision, Michelle's mother asked her, "If you don't do this, are you prepared to live with the consequences?" That struck Michelle like lightning. "Joe and I were in a hurtful holding pattern," she says. "My mom's words jolted me into action."
Resolution
At the workshop, the first exercise was an exorcism. "We had to act out a scary childhood moment," Michelle recalls. "[My stepfather] was extremely verbally abusive to me, and my model for how men acted. So if Joe disagreed with me, I'd hear my stepfather and freak out."

Following the workshop, Michelle confronted her stepfather, who apologized for treating her badly. Now, she says, "whenever I'm mad at Joe, I ask myself, 'What's this really about?'" As a result, the arguments don't escalate. "We love each other too much to let minor blowups tear us apart," Michelle says. 

Megan Davis: "I wanted to help him get better"

Her Story
Megan met Greg while studying abroad in Australia. He was a free spirit who often needed time by himself and would often go off for weekends alone. Meanwhile, Megan took on all the domestic duties of their relationship. "I was so often worried about his feelings that I would do all these things to make his life easier," she says.

After eight years of dating, Greg confessed to Megan that he was depressed and began taking antidepressants. Soon after, he proposed to Megan during a trip to Taiwan. Six weeks before their September wedding, Greg came home in tears and wanted to postpone the wedding. He started therapy and, two months later, asked Megan to join him in seeing the therapist. "I readily agreed," she says. "I wanted to help him get better."
Wake-Up Moment
After eight sessions, Megan felt "we were going in circles." The therapist told them to work on their communication skills, but they still hadn't done the assignments from the first session. "I knew then that I had done all I could, and that Greg's moodiness was going to be his lifelong struggle," Michelle says. "I wanted him to be happy, but I finally realized that I couldn't do that for him."
Resolution
At first, the loneliness was palpable. "I spent my 20s with one man, and suddenly I was alone," she says. "Regaining my self-confidence was hard."

Now, Michele says she knows she made the right decision. "I have a therapist friend who once told me if I was meant to leave Greg, I'd know in my gut when the time came," she says. "Acting on that moment made me realize I can trust myself."

He Cheated, She Stayed: One Woman's True Story of Getting Over Infidelity

What happened to her marriage made her come undone. Now, piece by piece, she's putting it all back together.

By Anonymous

 I have a black lace push-up bra left over from my days as a mistress. I was in my early 30s then, and fed up with relationships, fed up with falling for men who, the moment they noticed that I was sweet on them, would ask me to please stop liking them so much because it was making them feel claustrophobic.

Dating a married man who lived 3,000 miles away was different. To him, I represented the opposite of claustrophobia. I was freedom, excitement, possibility. To me, he was a kind of pause button in a dismal romantic life, and if I hadn't been feeling like such a misfit at dating I probably never would have gotten involved. I saw him maybe half a dozen times in five months. It never felt right—I worried more about his wife than he seemed to—and it was a relief to put an end to it when I met Sam (not his real name), the man who became my husband 12 years ago.

Sleeping with a married man taught me that an affair is mostly about carving out a little make-believe space in your life and then filling that space, helium-like, with passion. I also learned that sex occupies most of your hours together, and that preparing your body for sex occupies most of what's left of your free time. (I have never spent so long bathing and waxing, getting pedicures, and shopping for lingerie.) I learned that you regard someone differently when he is not a prospective mate; if he has an annoying habit—or an annoying personality, for that matter—so what? It's another woman's cross to bear. I learned that, in an affair, you are always on your second date, just about to fall in love, always witty and delightful and utterly uncomplicated.

It is tempting to romanticize that charmed bubble, especially when you compare it to the fatigue and frustration and bill-paying and child-disciplining and flinch-inducing touches and bad breath and underhanded jibes that fill the middle years of marriage. But an affair only briefly obscures the dark grief every spouse surely feels over the dwindling of marital love, while doing nothing to address what went amiss.

I knew all that, and I also knew (from People magazine if not from experience) that an affair can destroy a marriage. What I didn't know is that some marriages can withstand the damage. And that some might actually benefit from being broken open, because the breaking—however painful—opens the door to rebuilding something better.

It turns out that my marriage was—is—one of those.

In December 2008, nine days before Christmas, and barely four months after my husband, three small children, and I had moved to a new town where I knew not a single person, Sam came home from work, ate supper, sat me down on the sofa, and confessed that he had been having an affair for the past three years. I can still remember the way his face looked when he spoke those words—crumpled and terrified, it trembled and spasmed like a bird that has been hit by a car but is not yet dead.

Sam said the affair was completely over. He said he was deeply regretful, that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that all he really wanted was us—me, our three amazing kids, our life together. He promised that he would not communicate anymore with Daphne (not her real name, either), and that if she tried to reach him, he would let me know. He called it a big mistake. He called it a bad choice. But he also said that he had truly loved and admired Daphne, whom he met working on a long-term project on the other side of the continent. He said she was funny, smart, and ballsy. That she was married with two small children. (How small? They met when she'd just come back from maternity leave. She had actually introduced Sam to them, and to her husband. And to her parents.) Oh yes, and he also mentioned that they'd neglected to use any birth control whatsoever, either of them. Ever. 

 

"I was hurt, shocked, heartbroken, furious, traumatized, upended, terrified." 

I was...oh, Christ, I don't know if there are words enough in the English language to describe what all I felt over the course of the next few weeks and months. I was hurt, shocked, heartbroken, furious, traumatized, upended, terrified. I felt betrayed, violent, suicidal, humiliated, and unutterably sad. I injured myself—by mistake a few times but also on purpose, like a teenager, with a knife, and with coals from the fire. I was half wild with insomnia. For weeks on end, I slept maybe two hours a night, and ate little more than a hard-boiled egg and a chocolate a day. (I had never in my life lost my appetite so completely; this, at least, felt like a gift.) My mouth was dry and I was always freezing cold, shivering. I drank huge amounts of vodka and never felt drunk, as if my fury were burning off the alcohol the moment it entered my bloodstream. During the day, after Sam went to work, I dug through everything of his; it was the only activity I had the will for. At night, while he slept, I searched his laptop, cut his favorite sweaters to pieces, poured nail polish on his shirts, then woke him up, shouting, flailing, sobbing.

And yet there was one thing I knew right away: I was not ready to get divorced. In part this was simply because I realized I was too distraught to make a sensible decision. If I kicked Sam out in a rage, I might take him back once I cooled off, only to banish him again a few weeks later when more bad feelings hit. I couldn't do that to our kids.

But I was also reacting to the fact that I did not know who Sam was anymore; the person who had cheated on me was completely foreign to me (and to himself, as it turned out). I needed to find out who I was actually married to now. And whoever that person was, I knew (in my rare lucid moments) that our marriage must have stopped working for him somewhere along the way, and that fixing it was something we could only undertake together. I still felt attached to Sam— married to him, in my most random thoughts and habits, in my very blood and bones—and it seemed better to go through this trial with him than on my own.

The year following Sam's confession was wretched. I felt as if I were living forward and backward at the same time, excavating details about the past—ours and theirs—as I tried to figure out what came next: How could I keep our family on an even keel, and what could I do to fix our marriage, and was it even worth the trouble?

Sam went into therapy. I went into therapy. Night after night, we talked. I raged and called him names; he let me. I asked him questions and he answered, and although some of his replies will torment me forever (like, yes, they had sex in the bed in which we conceived our children), the mere fact that he was willing to talk made me feel safer and more connected, reassured me that he wasn't placing his memory of Daphne in a little private treasure box and pocketing the key.

Equally important was his willingness to apologize. "I'm sorry" is a remarkably powerful phrase when it comes from the heart.

"You can just keep on saying that," I told him. "Over and over, whenever you feel it." And he did.

There were moments when I actually felt a weird tender pity for Sam, who had come to our marriage with less knowledge of himself and less experience of the opposite sex than I had, and who seemed to have gotten in over his head with Daphne.

Weirder still, I was frequently (freakishly, it felt) turned on—especially in those first couple of months—and though I kept insisting to Sam that it was just break-up sex we were having (in the laundry room, guest room, car), I could not for the life of me understand why I was attracted to the jerk, let alone having the best sex of my married life with him.

I write this because no one told me what it would be like. When I called my closest friends in the city where I'd lived for so long (a place that suddenly felt very far away; I was unbelievably lonely that entire year) and revealed to them what had happened, I always wound up asking them if they knew anyone—anyone—who had been through this and made it out the other side, anyone who'd survived an affair and come out happily married. Because I wanted to believe it was possible, and to know how it could be done. What was normal? Was there a road map? How long would it take? None of my friends seemed to know such a couple. Other marriages might have survived an affair, but no one was talking.

"What is the difference between trusting someone and taking them for granted?"

 

 I tried to downplay what a chump I'd been for not seeing this coming. When I told one friend about Sam's infidelity, I said, "I know it's not like he's literally the last person on Earth you'd expect to have an affair...."

"Nope," she cut me off, "he pretty much is."

And honestly? I'd thought so, too. I fell in love with Sam with the kind of total trust and joy a child feels when she jumps off a table into a grown-up's arms. I knew with utter certainty that he would catch me.

After we got engaged, he asked me to promise that if I were ever tempted to cheat on him, I'd come to him first and tell him, so we could address whatever part of our relationship had gone awry and was making me crave attention elsewhere. I laughed, because it seemed like such a ridiculously hopeful request. And then I gave him my word. Did I ask him to promise me the same thing? Of course not. It never even occurred to me. Sam's cheating on me was inconceivable.

What is the difference between trusting someone and taking them for granted? I think I fell into that gap. I felt so safe with Sam that it was almost an insult. If you'd stopped me on the street any time during the past five years and asked what was the single thing I loved most about my marriage, I'd have said, "That's easy: trust."

I had grown less in love with Sam than with the security I felt from him.

While it was happening, of course, I wasn't aware of any of this. I knew we were a little off, but I told myself it was just a passing phase, a rough patch on the long road of married life.

Besides, Sam and I went to great lengths to take care of our relationship. Even during the years when he was cheating, we went out on date nights every week (except when he was traveling for work—or for "work"). Every Thursday, as I stood before the mirror putting on eyeliner and brushing my hair, the children would mewl and cling to me like kittens. "Why do you have to go out with Daddy again?"

I would stop what I was doing and gather them around me and explain that our family was a wonderful, precious thing, and that my relationship with their father was at the heart of it. We had to keep our relationship strong for the whole family to be strong.

And sometimes, a few hours later, when Sam and I finished dinner (we never went to movies or shows; we always preferred to talk) and the bill came and we balked at the cost, one of us would offer up what had become a standing joke between us: "Well, at least it's cheaper than couples therapy." Ha ha. (Ask me, when all this is over, how much we've spent on therapy, individual and group and couples. It will be in the tens of thousands.)

And sometimes we'd have a fight, and after it was over we'd congratulate ourselves on the way we fought things through, really aired them and resolved them, didn't let them fester. We agreed that one of the strengths of our marriage was that we fought so well.

The idea that Sam had sat there, echoing all these preening verdicts about our marriage while he was screwing Daphne on the side, walloped me one day, many months after his confession. This kind of thing happened a lot: Some out-of-the-blue realization—some piece of the puzzle I'd somehow missed—would, out of nowhere, just stun me. Each time this happened, I went spiraling down into a three- or four-day depression. After a while, it occurred to me that maybe my mind was parceling out the pain, because I never could have handled it all at once.

"A habitual mild bitterness, a casual scorn, became my default attitude toward Sam."  

Yet interspersed with the dark whirlpools were small, sparkling moments when I would remember why I loved my tall and handsome husband—and why I liked him, too: his intelligence and sincerity, his patience and humor, the pleasure I took in his easy company, day to day.

And so, after some of my anger had dissipated, I began to take a long, hard look at myself. I had to admit that I was partly to blame, not for Sam's affair—that was his own stupid decision—but for the cloud of disappointment and annoyance that had become a permanent feature of our marriage. I had grown to resent him when our kids were babies—a time when his needs, even his love, felt to me like just one more tiresome burden.

Oh, I'd never stopped being generous and sweet to Sam in small ways, but deep down I had gradually divested myself of our marriage. Many years ago, I read in a magazine ( Esquire, I think) that men care less about how their wives look than about how they look at them. In other words, our extra ten pounds matter far less than our critical, disappointed gaze. It had been a long time since I'd bothered to regard Sam adoringly. How could I when he neglected to call and tell me he'd be home late from work again? Or left his underwear in a wad behind the bathroom door again? Or was too busy to help when I prepared a dinner party for our friends...again? We were in a standoff—neither of us getting what we really needed, and neither of us willing to perform the first act of generosity. It felt easier—kinder, even (for the fight it avoided)—to give up, to just not care.

Of course, not caring is fine as long as you really don't care. But in our case, we actually did. A habitual mild bitterness, a casual scorn, became my default attitude toward Sam. He, meanwhile, was boiling with anger. He just didn't know what to do with it—until Daphne came along and offered him an outlet.
It is very hard to fall back in love with someone you know as well as you know a spouse after 12 years. You have none of the momentum of early love to propel you forward, and all the habits that drive you crazy to drag you down. But we both cared for our marriage enough to want to give it a chance, and to try our best not to damage it further. So we set some ground rules (which, okay, we broke fairly regularly): First, rather than blaming each other for what went wrong, we would each talk only about ourselves and how we felt—hurt, scared, unappreciated, whatever. Second, we would try to put aside our own anger sometimes and really listen to each other. And third, we'd spend as much time as we could not talking about the affair, but just talking—about the news, or our friends, or our crazy siblings. We'd go to concerts, and on hikes and bike rides with the kids. We'd cook together. We'd hold hands.

 Finding a way to love again

It's too soon for me to say how this will all turn out. There are still times when I am suddenly appalled to realize that I am married to a man who could do to me what Sam did. But here's the thing: Sam is appalled—and ashamed, too—and he was appalled and ashamed even when he was with Daphne.

Meanwhile, I do know this: Much as I am loath to admit that anything good could come out of his affair, our marriage now is, in important ways, often better than it ever was. Sam doesn't dismiss his anger in hopes that it will go away—and he's getting better at pinpointing some of the vulnerable feelings that the anger, like a guard dog, protects. And I've begun paying attention to the parts of him that I fell in love with 12 years ago, and that I never stopped loving, though I let them get buried beneath piles of laundry and dirty dishes. I even try to gaze at him adoringly, though sometimes it comes off more like a crooked grimace. "I'm trying!" I tell him.

A few weeks ago, I came across the push-up bra in the back of my closet. It embarrassed me—so emphatic, so blatant, more like a prosthetic device than an article of clothing. Yet I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.

So I tried it on for Sam. And it turns out it still works, still makes my breasts look amazing. He liked it.

But then, in the middle of sex, I slipped away, unable to stop myself from wondering: Did he touch her like this? Were her breasts bigger than mine? What did he say when he walked through the door of the hotel room—at any of the 21 different hotels where they had sex?


Sam held me while I cried. Later he asked how long I thought it would take until I was over it, and I had to admit I had no idea. Forever maybe. Or tomorrow.

Then he did something for me that I wasn't able to do for myself. He pulled me out of that ugly, bleak chapter of the past—our past, now—and back into the just-fine present. He said, "I am with you now. I love you now. I want to make our marriage really good again, starting now."

I blew my nose, took a deep breath, and found myself in his arms—the arms of someone utterly familiar to me, and also completely new and unknown. Which, it turns out—even after all the shock, the hurt, the betrayal—is still where I most want to be.

The DOs and DON’Ts of Arguing

 He still hasn’t fixed the broken doorknob. You forgot to tell him about the double-date you scheduled (rom-com double feature!), again. Before you know it, you’re having it out about everything you’ve every been mad about. But before you lose your cool and start slamming doors (how do you think that doorknob broke in the first place?), read up on these tips for fighting fair—instead of fighting to the death.

DO have it out face to face. This means truly face to face, not text to text or seething email to seething email. Go ahead, try to find an example of a time you had a fight over G-chat and had it end well.

DON’T avoid the fight. If something’s been bugging you—really? Dirty laundry on the bathroom floor, again?—eventually, it’ll come out. Choosing to let it out in a calm, constructive way will lead to a better outcome than waiting until you unleash on him in the hosiery aisle at Target (“Maybe you wouldn’t need new socks if you managed to throw the ones you have in the hamper!”).

DON’T state opinion as fact. Instead of saying matter-of-factly that your partner is disrespectful—a sure way to get them immediately defensive—pick an example and ease into it with an “I” statement: for example “I felt disrespected when you turned our backyard into a neighborhood petting zoo without asking me first. You know goats scare me.”

DON’T pick a fight in public. You won’t get anywhere when there’s an audience around you (unless the plan is to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible), so save the drama for the stage, not your sister’s engagement party or your significant other’s office party. Wait until you get home—fine, or until you get to the car—to bring up whatever’s bothering you.
DO stay on topic. First you’re fighting about your mother-in-law, and next thing you know, every fight from the past 15 years is on the table. Take a deep breath and bring it back to the source of the argument—and work together on solving just that one this time around. Save some fun for next week!
DON’T fight to win. Fight with the intention of meeting in the middle, not with the intention to crush the competition. “Winning” the argument may feel good in the moment, but it’s compromise that will actually lead to fewer arguments about the same thing in the future.
DO end on the same page. What a waste, skipping tonight’s episode of The Daily Show only to argue with no conclusion. Make the fight worth it by getting some real problem-solving done—and confirm with each other that you’re going back to your corners with that same solution in mind.

Ways to Work Out Negative Emotions with Your Mate

 

 "Through the fire all that remains is gold." -Anonymous

Adam was a student of relationships: he had them down pat, or so he thought. Then he met Zoe. She was an attorney and didn't suffer fools. She shot from the hip and he loved it. It was like a cool drink of water finding someone who seemed to know who she was. Little did he know that this was the good and the bad news. They were soon married, but not long after, conflicts began to erupt. At first they were about simple things, like household chores, but they began to escalate over time to personal attacks that left them feeling alienated and angry. Adam wanted to compromise-there was none of that in Zoe's world. It was her way or no way according to Adam. She saw him as the victim and as a result thought he was weak. When she asserted herself Adam would become defensive, then she would withdraw into frustration and anger, creating a deadly silence that could last for days. When they came to my office for couples therapy, they had not spoken to each other in a week.

As we began to unravel the mysterious elements of what made their relationship tick, we realized that they had not developed an ability to work through negative states. Negative thinking is a normal part of all relationships, but it's what we do with it that matters. Adam and Zoe did not need to eliminate the negative as much as they needed to find better ways to work it out. So we began a process of what to do when negative material came up.

Here is what we found:

1. There is no right way or perfect world. No two people are alike-disagreement, conflict and negative emotions are to be expected. Dialing back their expectations to realistic eliminated a ton of conflict right off the bat. They recognized that perfection was not the goal but they could strive toward an easier, more efficient way of creating good feelings. Zoe learned that even though Adam was not who she originally thought he was, he was not bad either. They learned to step back when they started to think negatively and instead think about what they needed from one another as a part of working toward that sweet spot of agreement. Finding a problem solving technique that included listening and compromise was the key to breaking down their negative cycle.

2. Problem solving 101? Their negative emotion was blocking their rational thinking. Anger caused their brain to move from their frontal lobe (where rational thought resides) to the amygdala in the primitive part of our brain which specializes in survival. They were tyrannizing one another with anger and criticism, leading to inevitable withdrawal and the insertion of even more pain. They understood that nothing rational or positive could be accomplished when they were angry. They needed to cool off first and think about what they were trying to say. I had them try to tell me what their partner's position was. With some practice at acknowledging and being able to express their feelings they were able to find out more about what they wanted from each other.

3. Expressing needs without criticism. It seemed that everything they said was an indictment of the other one's position or their right to it. Expressing what they wanted from each other was very difficult for them to do in the heat of battle. Eventually they understood what each of their positions were, which resulted in being able to avoid the anger that resulted from the critical tone in their conflicts. As they practiced empathy they could see how it helped put them back on track with their frontal rational brain.

4. Look for what is underneath the negativity. Negativity was not their friend. As we began putting problem solving skills together, it emerged that underneath everything was a darker force. Devaluation was their killer. Zoe initially thought that Adam was the bomb, and he could do nothing wrong. Over time, his insecurities, inconsistencies, foibles and flaws emerged. Zoe was in shock. How could she have married this guy? He was so yucky and insecure. She berated him for his difficulties. She felt embarrassed when they went out with friends. Adam's dream girl had become a nightmare of criticism and contempt. John Gottman, author of The 7 Principles of a Happy Marriage, explains that when criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are present, it often leads to divorce. Adam and Zoe were definitely heading that way. They had to learn that underneath their anger was a fear of commitment and intimacy. They struggled to find a path toward acceptance and compassion. The breakthrough for them came when they understood their fear of intimacy was just that, a fear, and they didn't have to give into it by being defensive and negative.

5. Just because you think it doesn't mean you have to say it. Negative feelings have to be tested, understood and reflected on before they are said. How to put a negative into a positive is the challenge. Don't suppress it but don't express it is the key for the negative. Find out what it means first and then put it in a way that you think the other person might hear and understand. The point is to communicate. Negative thoughts trigger bigger defenses, so what's the point?

6. Take a time out. Think about what your anger and feelings are telling you about what you want, need and what is really important to you. Then in a measured and calm way express your needs to your mate without criticism or contempt. It is not important to express your feelings if all they are going to do is hurt the other person. What is important about anger and feelings are how they inform couples about what they want and need. There is a lot said about the need to express feelings, and I often hear this in couple sessions. Feelings are ever-present so we can't eliminate them, but we can learn from them. They tell us who we are and what is important to us. Sometimes demanding to express our feelings is a justification for wanting to retaliate for feeling hurt by the other person. Our anger and our feelings belong to us, we own them. What is important is to listen to our feelings so we can determine what we want to say and how to say it, so it goes all the way in.

7. Convert criticism into a complaint and a complaint into a request. Criticism is a negative but complaints can be very positive, especially when they are in the form of a request. Complaints are a way of making no sound like yes. A complaint put in the form of a request is a way of helping the other person to succeed. We can ask that in the future could they do it another way. This provides a pathway for a better outcome next time around. Criticism is like being painted into a corner. You have done something bad and there is no way out.

Adam and Zoe learned how to turn negative thinking into wants, needs and requests. This made them think about what they wanted from each other but also what was important to each of them apart from one another. There is a lot to be said for taking time to think and consider our feelings to see what they can tell us about ourselves. They also learned that, when in doubt, fall back on your sense of humor: it's a good way to cut the tension and turn the conversation into a more positive process.

There is No Such Thing as a 'Perfect Marriage'

From - Nivi and Avinash

 I just returned from a rejuvenating weekend away with my husband of nine years. We make it a point to do at least one long weekend away every six months or so, but on our anniversary, we always do it up right.

We spent our time napping, reading in bed, sleeping late, doing puzzles at our B&B, eating five-star meals, taking tea, and hiking and zip-lining in the forest. It was pure bliss. I strongly believe that marriages, especially long ones with young kids, need these recharges every once in a while.

Whether it's a date night or weekends away, most couples need to do some work to keep their relationships fresh. Sorry, but there is no such thing as a "perfect marriage".

This was recently discussed in the community section of CafeMom, and most agreed that perfection in marriage is a myth. When a marriage looks perfect, most of the time what you are really seeing is work, commitment, and creativity.

I get this all the time from people: "You and your husband seem so perfect and happy." We are happy. But we aren't perfect. We fight and argue. But when it comes down to it, we started from a good place -- we were madly in love -- and we work to maintain that. Most of all, we enjoy each other's company. We need time alone to chat and laugh and just be together, apart from everyone else.

What you don't see is defeat. You don't see people who give up and divorce because they can't make it work. Sure, it takes two people to make a marriage work, but no one should enter a marriage expecting it to be perfect and easy.

If they do, they will be sorely disappointed. There are no free rides in marriage or in life. It's work and it's hard and that's all there is to it.

Most of those who want you to believe they are in perfect marriages are secretly miserable. The rest of us will admit it takes work. It takes a lot of compromise, a lot of mutual respect, and a lot of tending.

I always notice when my husband and I have gone too long without a date night or a weekend alone. We start to fight more and argue with one another. We snap and we ignore each other's needs.

We have found our way to recharge -- by traveling alone together, learning new activities (rock climbing, surfing, or zip-lining), or enjoying old ones (biking, working out together, eating good food, or seeing movies). That is what everyone needs.

Even if a weekend away every few months is out of the question, every marriage needs its own way to stay fresh. That is what makes it look "perfect." But trust me, there is no such thing.

Why fighting in a relationship can be a good thing

 My friend Vidya Anand is happily married and has a five-and-half-year-old son to complete her adorable family. But what satisfies her most about her life is the healthy arguments she claims to have with her husband every now and then. "Sometimes fighting is great," she says. "Whether a work place or a marriage, the people involved have unique personalities and will clash at some point. So when there is a disagreement it's better to speak out rather then keeping it to yourself."

Fighting and arguing with your loved one can be a wonderful source of excitement at times. There is, after all, the chance to make up soon after. I asked marriage counsellor Bindu Anand from Mumbai if fighting was indeed good for a relationship.

She told me that there are a few ways you can tell when arguments have started to corrode your relationship:

a. When your differences are all you can think about. You seem to have forgotten all his positive points.

b. When there is no scope for resolution. After a day or two of being angry, you want to talk it out and resolve the issues. But your relationship is at risk when this stage just does not seem to arrive.

c. When you know your basic values, personality and self esteem is being hampered.

Vidya adds, "But fights should not be based on egos. Once your ego comes into the scene, then you fight only to prove that your point is correct, which can end on a nasty note."

So how then can you make sure that you can disagree with your partner without jeopardising your relationship?

Believe it or not, there are rules to have a healthy and fair fight! Use these rules and more than having a healthy 'discussion' (yes, we don't call it 'fighting' anymore!), you can also develop healthy communication between you.

Never:

• Use bad language while fighting.
• Threaten to terminate your relationship, just for the sake of gaining an upper hand.
• Become judgmental about his character if it has nothing to do with the fight.
• Use force (hands, feet, vessels, mobile phones) to show power.
• Quote past experiences. Let bygones be bygones.
• React! Yes, reaction is an emotional process that could make the situation worse.

Always:

• Respond! A response is to find a solution to the problem. This can lead to creative handling of future problems.
• Fight when both of you are calm and composed.
• Fight in a place where you will not be disturbed. Make sure the kids or a third party are not around.
• Make sure that if he begins what he has to say, you allow him to end it. DO NOT interrupt him.
• Remember to express what you are feeling at that exact same moment. Don't hesitate to say it if you are feeling "sad", rather than "angry" at that point of time.

And when you have vented

Post fighting, both of you need your space to settle your emotions and get back together. Bindu suggests the following:

Doing something that is 'not you' can be bring relief to the tension in your fights. Surprise him, do something that you would usually never do. Get him flowers, candy, or say things to him that you would normally never say. (Nice things of course!)

Say sorry. If it was your fault and you know it, say sorry.

Celebrate! Once a resolution has been reached, celebrate the occasion. A candlelight dinner, great sex. In other words, be close to each other.

Last but not the least, FORGET about the issues that caused hurt. Rather, concentrate on the solutions that you have come up with.