Things you should never say to your hubby

Do you fake an orgasm when you actually didn't? Or find faults with the your husband's way of handling the kids, or pester him to find a new job? If yes, you may be making irreparable damages to your relationship.

Following is a list of nine statements compiled by Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author of 'Every Day Love' that you should never utter to your significant other, reports the Mother Nature Network.

First comes: "Yes, I had an orgasm."

Another statement that is a strict no-no is "You're just like your father." It's nasty and belittling, says Ford.

The third forbidden statement is actually very common: "When are you going to find a new job?"

The fourth hurtful statement is: "My mother warned me you'd do this!"

The fifth line, which is never a good idea to say, is "Just leave it - I'll do it myself!" Just because he's doing something differently than you would doesn't mean that he's doing it wrong.

The sixth statement, which can be heart breaking, is "You always... [fill in the blank]" or "You never... [fill in the blank]"

Then seventh statement that can be a serious blow is "Do you really think those pants are flattering?"

Saying so, you're insulting his looks without showing any genuine concern for his health, according to Ford.

Then eighth harsh statement is "Ugh, we're hanging out with him again?, which is an insult to your man's choice of friends.

The last but not the least is "Please watch the kids. But don't do this, take them here or forget that..." Let Dad-be-dad.

Examine Your Relationships to Determine What Really Matters

Often New Year's resolutions involve modifying behaviors in ways that are supposed to positively impact our lives: eating healthier, exercising more, sticking to our budget, spending more time with family, etc. We are advised to set "SMART" goals: ones that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Bound. While using this method may work well in certain areas of life, it does not translate particularly well to romantic relationships, which are rarely black and white and frequently not within our sole control.
How, then, might we learn from our relationships of the past year in order to set ourselves up for a greater chance of success this year? 

Simply turn to these three words: Reflect, Reframe and Refine. 

Step 1: Reflect on the positive. 
Although your relationship(s) of  previous years may not have worked out, certainly there was at least one thing you really liked about your ex or the relationship. Spend a few minutes writing down everything you can think of for each date or relationship that made you happy, excited or truly ecstatic. Think about the various aspects of interpersonal connections: mental, emotional, and physical. 

Example 1: Anna really loved how she could be completely herself with Andy. Since she never felt like she had to filter herself or act in a manner untrue to her core being, she felt really comfortable with him and their time together always just seemed so easy. Whether they were talking or kissing, everything flowed. 

Example 2: Mark loved Jen's sense of humor. He laughed all the time when he was with her. 

When you're writing your list, just jot down quick words or phrases. You'll spend more time thinking about each one later. 

Step 2: Reframe the negative. 

You're not in the relationship any more, so there must have been some downsides to it, some things you weren't too keen on. This part may feel a bit tougher emotionally since you have to delve into the trickier emotions, but you won't have to dwell on them too long! Again, take some time to write down what you really didn't like about your ex.

Example 1: Shelley hated that her ex never wanted to go out and do fun things. Staying in and watching a movie was great once in a while, but she became so unhappy because they never did anything social out on the town. 

Example 2: Rob just didn't trust his ex. He frequently said that she had a different definition of honesty than the rest of the world. 

Now that you have your list of things you really don't miss, time to take each one and reframe it. Let's take a look at how Shelley and Rob can turn their dislikes into positive statements that reflects their desires.
Example 1: Shelley needs her partner to enjoy living a balanced and social life. She loves exploring her city, trying new things and being social with friends, and it's important to her that her partner relishes life in a similar way. Shelley might write, "I want my partner to be fun and social, like I am!" 

Example 2: Rob would like to meet someone who values honesty as one of the foundations of a strong relationship. Rob could reframe his past dislike into, "I would like to meet someone to whom honesty comes naturally." 

Step 3: Refine down to three key qualities. 

You may have a pretty daunting list by now of what you're seeking in the next person you date. Let's be truthful: the chance of finding someone who meets every single requirement is slim. Review your list or positives and your reframed negatives, putting a line next to each one that would be nice to have, but not mandatory. Put a star next to each one that you feel is non-negotiable. 

This is where it gets tough. While it would be absolutely terrific to meet someone with all your starred qualities,it realistically may not happen. The more non-negotiables you have, the easier it can be to diminish their importance. When there are ten things on a list and a guy doesn't meet one of those, it's easy to either dismiss him too easily or to convince yourself it doesn't matter that he doesn't meet your standards. Either way, it's not a good situation. 

Instead, select three starred items. You are going to focus on these three core traits - truly mandatory qualities a potential partner must have. As you are getting to know someone this year, pay attention to whether your requirements are being met. By entering into relationships only with people fulfill our deepest relationship desires, we significantly increase the likelihood that our previous years' relationship(s) will be more positive than those from now. 

Couples Who Fight Have Better Marriages Than Those Who Don't

Couples who say they never fight with their spouse and think that is a good thing might want to think again. Fighting with a spouse, especially constructive fighting, is actually a very good thing for a marriage.

Author, counselor and Episcopal Minister David Code says that couples needs to fight in his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First.  In his 14-years of his marriage, Code says he has learned a few things about the myth of a conflict-free marriage. Yes, you read that right. It is a myth. And couples who think they are going to have one are in for it. 

Code says:

Most couples believe that if they don't fight much, then they don't have relationship problems. But when partners don't address issues directly, they end up avoiding the problems -- and each other. We turn to our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore. 

The fact is, fighting is a form of passion. It shows that you still find the other person interesting enough to spar with. It also shows a healthy respect for self. Each person is holding their own ground. Even more, healthy fighting (meaning no name calling or hitting or idle threats) is a form of communication. 

The couples who say they never fight are often the same ones who are blind sided when their spouse is cheating or when he or she says he is not happy. Fighting is hard and frustrating, but it is part of marriage. Marriage is not supposed to be easy and if it is, then you are likely doing something wrong.

Now, there is a big difference between good fighting and bad fighting. Good fighting is resolved quickly and with compromise. It is both sides getting to air their grievances and respectful language used at all times. It can be heated or emotional, but never involves hitting or threats. Bad fighting has no resolution, leaves both sides feeling wounded and very often involves yelling, throwing things and storming out.

Bad fighting is bad for a marriage, but good fighting is the opposite. The couples who fight well have happier marriages than those who say they "never fight." Don't believe me? Look at the couples you know who have divorced. Are they the ones you expected? Or are they the ones who seemed so happy and even-keeled? Are they the ones you never saw fight?

In my case, they all are. So there you go.

Love Yourself Before You Love Another

In order for any relationship to work in a healthy way, you must first have love for yourself. Before you go ahead and devote yourself to maintaining a relationship with another, you must exude self-confidence and self-esteem. This is particularly true and important if you're just getting out of a relationship and your confidence and happiness are wavering. Once you're confident and happy with yourself, you will naturally start to attract others. 

So, how to go about this? Well for starters, it's vital to refrain from dating if you are working on building up your confidence. You need to be content with yourself, as you are, before you can move on to loving other people. Use this time to explore yourself, how you've changed (and how you've stayed the same), and maybe even learn new things about yourself that you didn't know before. If you jump into dating right after a breakup, you'll be so focused on finding and pleasing other people that you'll lose the important focus on yourself. 

A big part of self-confidence is being content with yourself; if you're constantly underestimating yourself, putting yourself down or wanting to change yourself, you'll be hard-pressed to succeed in increasing your confidence levels. To help achieve happiness, try immersing yourself in activities that you love to do, whether they be sports/exercising, the arts, outdoors-related activities or whatever else you can come up with. Focusing on activities or hobbies that you love to do will increase your happiness, and if you improve your skill levels your confidence levels are bound to go up. Once you start taking up activities that you love to do, you're bound to experience increased self-esteem. 

Another way to boost your self-confidence and happiness is to think positively. As cliched as it may sound, having more optimistic thoughts will put your mind in a more positive frame, which will then reflect back on you the more you keep it up. And then turn those thoughts into actions. Acting in a more positive way, whether it is in your interactions with others or in your day-to-day tasks, is an iron-clad way to boost your own happiness and simultaneously, your self-confidence. 

These are just a few ways you can work on building your own self-confidence. Use these as a starting point to figure out what works best for you. The most important thing to remember is that you're doing this for yourself, and not in order to be more accepted by others. Before you know it, you'll be feeling great about yourself and be ready to jump back into the dating scene, renewed and rejuvenated. Do you have any other suggestions to boost your self-confidence?

"You Become What You Believe"

May 25, 2011 was a sad day for Oprah lovers everywhere. It was the final episode that wrapped up 25 years of Oprah Winfrey’s television glory. Yet to much appreciation from beloved followers , Oprah decided to start a series on her personal network OWN. This series was called “Oprah’s Life Class“. Oprah proceeded to sum up life lessons, as you will, that she had come to learn through her years of personal and business trials, tribulations, achievements and “ah-ha” moments. 

One rainy Tuesday afternoon, I decided to flip on OWN and see if I could catch myself a rerun of “Dr. Phil” or “Our America - with Lisa Ling”. Unfortunately neither of these were on and “Oprah’s Life Class” lesson number three was about to begin. The episode was entitled “You Become What You Believe”.

I was immediately enthralled by the concept and couldn’t find myself taken away from the television set. In a nutshell it is about visualizing what you want for yourself, knowing it’s going to happen, and working towards a goal believing it’s going to come true. 

This doesn’t just mean, “I visualize having two million dollars delivered to my doorstep tomorrow….now, time to go on Facebook!” It’s a deeper concept, and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with personal goals and possessions but who we are as human beings.

This can help in many ways when going through a difficult breakup. Many times we are left hurt, betrayed, ashamed, lonely, and downright worthless after we have lost a loving relationship. Although we feel these feelings, it doesn’t have to be what we become. Instead of being hurt, betrayed, ashamed, lonely and worthless we should believe that we are strong, loyal, proud, surrounded, and worthy. If we introduce these positive thoughts to counteract our negative thoughts and perceptions, eventually we will “become what we believe”.

Take some time today to assess possible negative feelings that you are harboring. What is the opposite of that feeling? For example, if you are feeling extremely resentful, visualize yourself being merciful and forgiving. Make it a goal to work towards reforming your thoughts. Visualize yourself acting forgiving and convince yourself that you are a forgiving person. Negative feelings only create negative results. Creating a more positive you will help to form a more positive, happy life. 

Why Everyone Should Take Personal Responsibility in a Relationship

Finding Happiness Starts With You

Our happiness and unhappiness

 results from our own freely

 chosen actions, and the same is

 true for others. Now, this

 doesn't mean someone we love has

 the capability of hurting us, but

 when we believe someone is 

completely responsible for our own

 happiness we feel angry when we

 do not get what we want. The

 right person will bring out the

 best, but don't look for someone

 else to to fulfill.

Looking for someone else to

 fulfill can come in many

 

deceptive forms, but the root is

 all the same: adopting a quality 

or material means of another to

 fill what is lacking. Focusing on

 becoming strong within is our

 third step in the 4-phase process

 for bouncing back to happiness.

 The third step begins with a

 strong willingness to accept

 responsibility for what has

 happened. It is a time to stop 

hiding from ourselves and gain

 perspective on the relationship

 in a non-judgmental manner. 

During this time, we accumulate

 the wisdom we need to bounce back

 happiness. We learn the very 

important reasons for our behavior

 and stop accusing our partner for

 being wrong and the door opens

 for more understanding and 

respect. When we are open and

 willing to learn everything will

 change and we can stop blaming

limitations. 

Sexual Faux Pas

Since it first aired a few weeks ago, a TLC's Virgin Diaries has created quite a stir. For those who haven't seen it, the show followed the lives of several individuals hoping to meet that special someone to whom they'd finally lose their virginity. Perhaps the most captivating (in an awkward sort of way) among those interviewed was a couple on the verge of tying the knot. 

Hoping to find bliss on their wedding night, the newlyweds soon learned that sex isn't always orgasmic. In reality, most "sexcapades" fall short for one reason or another and in this case, the wife admitted her first time was painful and not what she expected.

While that's not unusual, what's worse is when you're in the heat of the moment and your partner does something so completely unnerving-something so jarring-that you just want to crawl under the sheets and disappear.

The list of sexual faux pas we all want to avoid can be endless (from passing gas to calling our lover the wrong name), so we've asked relationship expert and founder of dating consultancy www.sittingtree.com Stacie Ikka to narrow it down by offering her unique perspective on what she considers the most offensive.

1. Expecting your lover to be a mind-reader 

"I personally don't subscribe to the concept of someone being 'bad in bed," Ikka says. "Sure, some people understand better than others how to please a potential partner. However, to say someone is 'bad in bed,' I think, is entirely unfair."

Ikka cautions, "Many (people) are quick to dismiss an initial physical attraction and that elusive 'chemistry' when the electricity doesn't translate into amazing sex in the bedroom. But, what is often missing is communication. You can't expect your partner to know what turns you on and how to please you, especially if it's a new partner. In a healthy relationship, the sex actually gets better over time, as you get to know each other and feel comfortable communicating your sexual needs, desires, and preferences." 

2. Being a selfish lover

"(Sex) isn't always about reaching orgasm," Ikka says, noting, "This is about showing a genuine interest in pleasing your partner and communicating with them on an intimate 

level. In a healthy relationship, there is a natural give-and-take that doesn't feel like either party is keeping score."

3. Revealing too much too soon

"Although communication, lack of judgment, open-mindedness, spontaneity, and experimentation go a long way in a healthy sexual relationship, revealing too much, too soon may scare your partner away," Ikka warns. "It's best to ease into kink, fetish, fantasy, and adventure slowly and cautiously-and only when you feel that the foundation of the overarching relationship is one built on trust and emotional safety." 

4. Using sex as a weapon (i.e. a double-edged sword)

"Some people withhold sex as punishment or engage in sexual activities they may not normally be comfortable with to please their partners. Both scenarios are likely to create resentment, an environment of distrust, and can erode the intimacy that may have initially been present."

5. Faking an orgasm

"I know it's a popular practice, and I understand why we do it, but if you're looking to have an ongoing, satisfying, and authentic relationship with your partner, it's best to teach them how to help you attain orgasm rather than misleading them and then feeling dissatisfied yourself."

Which You, Which Intelligence?

Discovering alternative routes to success.

Intelligence: a) ability to learn or understand from 

experience: ability to acquire and retain knowledge; 

mental ability b) use of the faculty of reason in 

solving problems, directing conduct c) measured 

success in using these abilities -- Webster's New 

World Dictionary. 

From the title it seems as if I will be writing about 

probable universes or alternate realities. But I'm

 not. Instead I will be talking about an issue that is

 dear to us all. That is, what are our talents and how

 can we benefit from them?

Sir Ken Robinson, in an very entertaining address 

 to the TED conference, stated that "schools kill 

creativity." His main argument was that educators 

focus so much on reading, writing and arithmetic

 that other talents children have are left 

underdeveloped or completely ignored. This is an

 argument that has gained more weight with the

 increased shift to standardized testing from 2001 to 

2008 in the United States.

Yet, not every child (or adult) has an interest or 

motivation to excel in reading, writing and

 mathematics. Their interests lie elsewhere. This is

 where intelligence comes into the discussion. There

 are many academics who have argued that there

 are more than one type. Psychologist Daniel 

Goleman is one of them and has made a career of his

 promotion of social and emotional intelligence and

 how important they are to overall success in 

careers and relationships. Another is Howard 

Gardner whose promotion of multiple intelligence s 

(MI) has helped create a movement of educators

pushing for a more well rounded system of 

education that addresses the different ways in 

which people can express their intelligence.

Gardner, in an article in the Scientific American, A 

Multiplicity of Intelligences, describes 8 major

 intelligences. They are:

1. Linguistic (Linguist, Writer, Comedian)

2. Logical - Mathematical (Scientist, Engineer)

3. Musical (Musician, Songwriter, Singer)

4. Spatial (Architect, Interior Decorator)

5. Bodily-Kinesthetic (Wrestler, Tennis Player, 

Coach)

6. Interpersonal (Facilitator, Counselor, Educators)

7. Intrapersonal (Therapists, Psychologists,

 Communication Experts); and

8. Naturalist (Birdwatcher, Conservationists)

As readers well know, although most schools focus 

heavily on Linguistic and Logical-Mathematical 

Intelligences, many people make their living using

 the other six listed. In fact, many professions or 

jobs require a combination of two or more types of

 intelligence.

Academics such as Robinson, Goleman, Gardner 

and others argue that ignoring our intelligence in 

different areas is detrimental to our development. 

My argument is that our world is enriched by our

 ability to enjoy sports and recreational pursuits; 

our ability to converse with others; and to create 

art, music and beautiful structures for all to enjoy.

Give Your Empathy a Boost

Whether you are a man or woman, empathy is a dying

 art. Life is so loud and distracting it becomes harder to

 sense what is going on around us. The less we are aware

 in the moment, the harder it is to tune into other 

people's feelings and intentions.

In fact, according to Sara Konrath at the University of 

Michigan, college students today show 40% less 

empathy vs. students in the 1980s and 1990s.

Yet empathy is critical to establishing healthy 

relationships and developing social and leadership skills. 

The good news is that even though we may be losing our

 ability to show empathy, we still have the capacity to

 empathize anytime we want to.

In other words, you may forget how to have empathy. 

You can remember if you choose to.

The brain is naturally empathetic. You have "mirror

 neurons" which connect your brain like Wi-Fi with people

 you observe. As a protective mechanism, you

 automatically tune into their emotions, their movements

 and intentions.

When you walk down the street and someone comes your

 way, it's likely you will both move in the same direction

 even though you are trying to get out of each other's

 way.

 This is because your mirror neurons sensed the person's 

intentions and you "mirrored" their actions until your 

cognitive brain could engineer an opposing move that

 cleared the path. Mirror neurons give you the capacity

 to "step into another's  shoes." 

According to Dr.Keysers at the University of 

Groningen in the Netherlands, when you see a spider

 crawling up someone's leg, you feel a creepy sensation

. Similarly, when you observe someone reach out to a 

friend and they are pushed away, your brain registers 

the sensation of rejection. When you watch your team

 win or a couple embrace on television, you feel their 

emotions as if you are there. Social emotions like

 guilt, shame, pride,embarrassment, disgust and lust can

 all be experienced by watching others.

However, if you are using your cognitive brain to think 

about the past, the future, or your email, you are not

 connecting to your emotional brain. You suppress your

 empathy--how your mind is reading the emotions and

 intentions of others. The empathy is there. 

You are just not paying attention.

To increase your empathy, you have to both control your

 wandering mind and strengthen your capacity to

 empathize through practice. 

Here's how:

1. Be quiet, inside and out. The more you can quiet

 your chattering brain, the more you can hear you is a

 good practice. You can also tune in through stopping

 your activity and focusing on your breath. Keep your 

mind empty as long as you can as you look around you. 

Practice observing  with a quiet mind in five-minute

 intervals.

2. Fully watch as well as listen. Watch movies that tell

 stories full of both drama and humour. Getting absorbed

 in another's life story strengthens the connections 

between your cognitive and emotional brain. This is 

better done in a theater where your phone is turned off.

 Konrath also suggests,"...people take time out of their

 busy schedules and actively practice empathy each day.

 This means spending time each day in face-to-face,

 other-focused listening to others and imagining what

 they feel."Commit to spending 30 minutes a day 

watching people in meetings or social settings where you

 don't have to talk much.

3. Ask yourself what you are feeling. If many of your

 emotions are in part a reflection of what another person

   is feeling, practicing "emotional awareness" on yourself 

will help you empathize when you are with others. This

 requires you teach your brain to access and label your

 emotional reactions. To help learn this skill, check out

 my Emotional Inventory where you will be asked to

 stop two or three times a day and pick out what emotion

 you are feeling from a list of possible sensations.You

 may also need to work on identifying where in your body

 your emotions appear. Where do you feel fear--in your

 chest, your throat, or in the back of your neck? Where

 do you feel anger--in your stomach, your jaw, or in your

 clenched fists? How about betrayal? Joy? Humiliation?

 Recall the last time you felt a particular emotion. Try

 to feel it again. Where does it show up in your body? The

 quicker you can identify changes in your physical

 reactions to situations, the easier it will be to know

 that you are "having an emotion."

4. Test your instinct. If it is appropriate, when you are in 

conversation with someone else, tell the person what

 emotions you are experiencing. Ask them if there is

 anything that might be triggering these same emotions

 in them. Be patient with their response. It might take

 them a while before they can recognize their own 

emotional state. Then share with them what you think

 they might do next. Even if you are wrong, it will help

 them to begin to identify their own emotions and

 inclinations for action. 

In truth, you are an excellent mind reader. You just need

 to pay attention and be willing to believe what you 

read. Boost your empathy to strengthen your 

relationships and improve your social skills.