It’s time to accept this fact: A really great marriage is rare

Greater gender equality leads to divorce. Women’s increased earning power leads to divorce. Men shouldering the burden of household chores leads to lower marital satisfaction and increased risk of divorce.

These are just a few examples of handwringing in the popular press about why women, and to a lesser extent men, are choosing divorce over what seem to be perfectly good marriages. It used to be that a  woman would stick with her husband unless he was abusing her or cheating on her. Nowadays, women leave perfectly kind, helpful husbands for reasons that seem mysterious.

There are many theories floating around about why greater gender equality have not put an end to divorce in America. Underlying most of these theories is an acknowledgment that expectations about marriage have changed. Prior to the late 20th century, it was difficult for women to prosper FINANCIALLY, express their sexuality or have children outside of the context of marriage. Single and divorced women were also stigmatized. Wives, therefore, were willing to put up with a lot more unhappiness in marriage to avoid the social consequences of being unmarried or getting a divorce.

The situation for women is radically different in the 21st century. Women do not need to marry in order to achieve FINANCIAL stability, sexual satisfaction, social approval, or even to have children. Women (and men) now marry overwhelmingly for nebulous reasons like love and self-fulfillment. But here’s the problem: our social narratives have not caught up with this cultural change.

As a society, we encourage marriage by filling our children’s heads with images of true love and happily-ever-after. They grow up expecting to find a soulmate who will be kind, loving, romantic, sexually appealing and, of course, own a castle or two. We don’t promote happily-ever-after cynically; most of us, at least on some level, buy into the narrative. We know that some couples are still deeply in love after decades of marriage.

On the other hand, there are married individuals—an awful lot of them—who are disappointed with their relationships. Some of them feel lonely, some feel forced into celibacy, some just don’t enjoy the companionship of their husband or wife anymore.

How should we, as a society, react to married people who feel that they have not found happily-ever-after? We could stick with our original narrative and tell them, “That’s a bummer that you haven’t found your true love yet. You should try again.” That would lead to a lot more divorces, however, and we don’t like divorces.

Or we could also say, “Remember that thing we told you—about it being possible to be in love for a whole lifetime? That was a lie.” This message would discourage people from getting married, which we don’t want either. And if we acknowledge that happily-ever-after is a lie, it would be sad for all of us.

What we do tell people is that happy couples are really no different from unhappy couples. Either they have found some secret formula for happiness (and if you buy the right book/attend the right seminar/take the right product, you will be happy too!), or they have learned to lower their expectations to the point where they don’t feel the sting of disappointment from incompatibility, loneliness, sexlessness or boredom. The first case is akin to Senator Marco Rubio testifying that America is "a nation of haves and soon to haves." It is theoritically possible for any single individual to become wealthy, but it is unlikely that we are all going to be rich anytime soon. The second is likely saying that rich people don'yt have more money than poor people, just a better attitude.

This narrative is not entirely without value. It is certainly true that marriages have ups and downs, and just because the passion has cooled temporarily, that is not a good reason to throw in the towel. Moreover, even the best marriages are not perfect. Every couple has problems. The flaw in this narrative is that it doesn’t acknowledge that even though no relationship is perfect, not every relationship has the same potential to be great.

The painful truth is that really great marriages exist, but they are rare. What we as a society should probably be telling married people is, “If you have love, passion, companionship and equality in your marriage, you are wealthy beyond words. If you don’t, you have two choices. You can decide that your marriage is the best you’re going to get and try to be content. Alternatively, you can leave your marriage to play the lottery of finding that perfect partner, accepting that you are unlikely to win and may have to stay single for the rest of your life.”

This is not a cheerful message to deliver, and it certainly wouldn’t work in a Disney movie. Just as most Americans want to believe that they will get rich someday, most Americans want to think that they will have a marriage of far-above-average quality. People who don’t understand the odds of getting what they want are unlikely to make wise choices. On the other hand, people who believe that success is beyond their reach may also make bad choices. Understanding that great marriages exist but are not the most likely outcome could help people considering marriage or divorce to make better informed choices.

Strange Things That Lead To A Happy 

Marriage, Says Science

 

One secret ingredient to a happy marriage? Having a big 

wedding!

 

When we look at couples who are happily married, it's obvious 

— and not just from the selfies they're posting on Instagram. 

They're supportive, communicate well, make each other laugh, 

the list goes on.

 

But what about all of the bizarre details that affect the quality

 marriage? According to science, there's tons of random things 

that lead to happier marriages. Here are six you definitely didn't 

know.

 

1. Having A Big Wedding
 

What?! National Marriage Project from The University of 

Virginia conducted a survey involving American married couples 

to find correlations between happy marriages and the couple's 

past. One thing that came up was the type of weddings they held. 

After using a sample of 418 couples, there was a correlation 

between formal weddings and greater conjugal happiness along 

with higher marital quality. But before you go all bridezilla and 

hire Coldplay as your wedding band, "bigger weddings" in this 

study were determined just by the number of guests — not by 

how extravagant they were.

 

2. Having High Bone Mineral Density
 

In a study of 632 adults, a correlation between better bone health 

and marriage quality was found. Guys who never said "I do," 

were separated, divorced, or widowed had significantly lower 

bone mass density. The researchers only found a correlation 

between these two factors — so we don't know what caused this. 

Until we do, you may want to include milk on date nights.

 

3. Having An Attractive Wife
 

Should we be surprised? A study led by psychologist Andrea 

Meltzer followed 450 newlywed couples over four years. He then 

asked them whether an attractive spouse leads to satisfaction in 

marriage. Men said yes, but the ladies said no. That's kind of 

depressing …

 

4. Having An UNattractive Husband
 

As for the huband's looks? A study found that ladies are better 

off marrying down. Researchers believe it's because the more 

unattractive husband would treat the more attractive wife better 

since men value beauty highly. This might be even more 

depressing…

 

5. Doing Hobbies Separately
 

How important are common interests? Once you get married you 

might feel the need to do everything together, but if one person 

in the relationship actually doesn't appreciate the hobby then it's 

better to go solo. According to a study published in Journal of 

Marriage and Family, couples who separate to do hobbies have 

greater marriage satisfaction.

 

6. Putting Off Babies
 

When you ask parents how children affected their marriage they 

say their bond was strengthened, but a recent survey 

 found young, childless couples are the have the happiest 

relationships. 

 This isn't very surprising when you consider how 

much work it takes to parent.

How to actually “marry smart”

Young single straight women, take cover! Susan Patton is out there flacking for her book, “Marry Smart: Advice for Finding THE ONE.” She stopped by the "Today" show this morning to tell college-age women to find a husband immediately — and also to learn how to bake bread, get plastic surgery in high school and, you know, not get themselves raped, as women are so often wont to do.

It’s such patently absurd advice and yet this is exactly the sort of cultural messaging that used to freak me out as a 20-something single straight lady. In acts of self-punishment, I would read these self-appointed gurus, or watch them on the “Today” show spouting their B.S., and genuinely worry that they were right — that I would end up sad and alone.

Well, guess what.

I did everything the Susan Pattons of the world said not to do and I ended up marrying a freaking wonderful man — not despite disobeying these retro rules, but because of it. That’s why, amidst all the “Princeton mom” noise, I bring you instructions on how to actually marry smart, according to me. True story, I recently went to the optometrist and she told me, “Your eyes aren’t young anymore,” so I feel like that makes me at least as qualified as Patton to give life advice.

Work your butt off. First in college, then in the work world. Become the man you want to marry — or rather, the woman the man you want to marry will want to marry.

The microwave is all the lover you need for now. Swing by Walgreens after a long day at the office and pick up a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna. Grab a $9 bottle of white wine while you’re at it. You’ll probably cry into your partially warmed food while watching “Snow Buddies” — those talking pups, so cute! — but one day you will look back at these scenes of early bachelorettehood and smile. This is how you learn to be alone, which you need to do before learning to be together. Sorry, them’s the rules.

You know that drug dealer who keeps money in his freezer and doesn’t know where to put apostrophes? Date him. Same with the guy who literally has “I’m a mistake” tattooed on his arm. They are terrifically wrong for you, but they are truly lovely people who will enrich your life. (If they are not truly lovely people, get the hell out of there. Only poor choices with hearts of gold are worth your mistakes.) It’s only from dating these self-styled bad boys that you will realize the folly of making yourself interesting through men. You get to be the protagonist of your own god-damn novel.

Fake so many orgasms. Look, sex in your twenties is going to be horrible. For a long time you won’t even realize that sex can be more. You will take pleasure in giving pleasure. It is all the intimacy that you can take, for now. Despite the faking, these are some of the realest, rawest moments of your young life; two unformed people pressing their naked egos against each other.

It’s not like you’ll have learned all the sex things by the time you get married, either. That’s when the learning can really begin. It won’t be long before you feel like you need an entirely new word for sex.

Start joking about your shriveling ovaries once you turn 26. Collect plants and pretend that they are your offspring. Impulsively adopt a dog — and then immediately return it after realizing that you will be evicted from your rent-controlled apartment. Cry so much about what a horrible person you are and how this is the worst thing you’ve ever done. Self-flagellate about how you can barely take care of yourself, let alone a dog — let alone a child. Compulsively read trend pieces about “kiddults.”

Throw pity-parties with friends. You’re all single, bitter and hardened to the disappointing world of romance. Get together to drink cocktails, watch “The Notebook” and bitch about men who don’t call. You will go to bed at night alone, but this friendship stuff is great! You just won’t appreciate the profound, lifelong importance of it until later.

Mr. Good Enough is not good enough. That guy who seems almost perfect but still doesn’t feel right? Trust yourself, dump him and then wallow in sorrow. Call him and leave drunken voicemails about how much you miss him, when the truth is that you’re just afraid to be alone. Constantly remind your friends that you’re a woman who “wanted too much.” When books like “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” come out, snark it up online. Privately, weep. Later, you will feel sure that you dodged a bullet and thank yourself for being brave.

Facebook-marry a friend. You’re both approaching 30, you both feel like you’re going to be alone forever, so announce yourself as married, to each other, on Facebook. Plan to platonically raise kids together if neither of you meets the right person. (Conveniently ignore the fact that she doesn’t even want kids.) Entertain the idea of a male harem. Now you’re just owning this spinster thing. It really doesn’t sound so bad anymore.

You know that guy friend you weren’t romantically interested in because he was just too nice and available? Suddenly, you’re grown up enough to come to your senses. Marry the fuck out of him.

Worst Mistakes People Make In Their 30s

 

Maintaining personal relationships requires more effort 

in your 30s than it did in your 20s.

 

Your 30s are typically a time for settling down, after 

using your 20s to take risks and find yourself.

Many 30-somethings are busy raising a family and rising 

through the hierarchy at work.

Those who have already been through that decade say 

that as their responsibilities accumulated, it became 

easier to neglect relationships and ignore opportunities 

that they would never get again.

 

Quora users discussed lessons they learned in the 

thread: "What is the biggest mistake you made in your 

30s and what did you learn from it?" 

 

We've collected some of the best responses:

 

They abandon their loftier aspirations.

Twenty-somethings are often willing to settle for a job 

they are not passionate about, but before they know it, 

that job turns into their career. An anonymous poster 

writes that the biggest mistake they made in their 30s 

was that they got "addicted to a monthly salary," in the 

sense that they settled for job security over career 

satisfaction.

 

If you've ever wanted to start a business or pursue a 

side project, it will only get more difficult as your 

responsibilities increase.

They put their career ahead of family and friends.

"Don't just work. Make memories. The older you get, the 

harder it is to make meaningful relationships. Foster 

those while you're young," writes Microsoft product 

designer Michael Dorian Bach, who is now in his late 

30s.

 

They neglect their health. Bach writes that the pursuit of 

a career can also be a drain on your health. "Be healthy. 

That is priority 1. Don't get into your 30s being slow and 

tired all the time. It sucks," he says. Develop an exercise 

routine, and enjoy your mobility while you're still young.

 

They miss the chance to have kids.

CEO coach Alison Whitmire shares a personal story 

about how she took getting pregnant for granted in her 

30s and chose to pursue a new career opportunity 

 instead of trying to have a child. Years later, after a 

failed pregnancy and then a failed marriage, she 

remarried and had a baby at 43. She realizes now that 

no one is ever adequately prepared to have a child, and 

if you want one, it's best to do so before it's too late.

 

They don't spend enough time with their aging parents.

Entrepreneur and blogger James Altucher, who is now 

46, writes about a particularly difficult memory for him: "When I was 34 I hung up the phone on my dad in an 

argument and never returned his calls. Six months later 

he had a stroke and died. A week before that he had 

emailed me to say hello but I didn't return the email. I'm 

sorry, Dad."

It can be easy to forget that your parents grow older as 

you do. Don't take them for granted.

 

They don't set up a financial foundation for the future.

 

Altucher writes about the many times in his 30s he bet 

practically all of his money on a business venture and 

then lost all of it. Altucher is doing well now, but he 

looks back on his failures as the result of recklessness.

As your responsibilities grow, it can seem like what you 

put into savings won't amount to much come retirement, 

but it will only become harder to start saving in your 40s.

 

They stop having fun.

Just because you're not in your 20s anymore doesn't 

mean you need to give up enjoying life. Bach says he 

spent the early half of his adult life chasing money, and 

it only made him unhappy and more cynical about life.

Go on dates with your significant other. Take your kids 

on trips. Go to concerts with your best friends. Just 

don't forget that the money you work to make is useless 

if you're miserable.