Your Guy's Friendships Explained 

(Even the Weird Ones)

It happens to the best, and most popular, of us (not that I'm either): After getting married and settling down, we men wake up one morning and discover that our once-mighty forest of guy friends has been slashed and burned, and all that remains are a couple of grizzled oaks and a few endangered saplings. I was out drinking with one such sapling named Rob recently, and he put it this way: "I'm 32. I've got a wife and three kids. And I've got two friends I see with any regularity. One of them is my brother, and the other one I've known since I was 5, so the only reason I still see them is because I'm pretty much stuck with them." Rob and I had a great time, but have I hung out with him since? No.

One reason for male friend slippage is simple: Guys just aren't as good at staying in touch as women are. My wife, Karel, has friends she sees only every three years, because of geography, but she's in constant contact with them. In my case, if we're close and you leave Philadelphia, you're pretty much dead to me. You know how I feel about the phone; if you really wanted to keep in touch, you wouldn't have moved farther away than Camden.

Another issue is that guys in different life phases just can't relate to one another. One minute you're Bluto from Animal House, the next you're Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell and you can't tolerate your old band of Blutos. As Mike, a married father of four, told me, "I still get calls every now and then from old friends who think I'm gonna come out in the middle of the night and go tagging [writing graffiti]. I'm like, 'Are you kidding?'" Personally, I have neither the time nor the patience I once did for the poor impulse control and general shadiness of guys I used to spend a lot of time with. I'm acutely aware of my residual adolescent issues (gluttony, lethargy, self-sabotage, and a general inability to work with others), but now that I have a family to think about, I can't afford to worry about anyone else's.

Also, I now depend on my wife and my sister for any emotional heavy lifting. Women are so much better at that stuff than men. They get to the heart of the matter in a quarter of the time, without any joking, belching, or other emotional subterfuge. Which is not to say I'm lacking in Y-chromosomal camaraderie; it's just a different landscape. Once you no longer want or need a pack to party with every night, here's who's left:

1. The holdout. Almost all guys have this one — a best and oldest friend, the grizzled oak I mentioned earlier. Mine is named Caleb, and I've known him since we were 12. He was with us when Karel went into labor with our son, Noah, and he hung in at the hospital through all 56 harrowing hours. I can talk to him about anything, anytime. But he recently moved to Holland, so I don't. (Though he is the only person in the world I will Skype with.)

2. Old-school Facebook friends. These are guys you used to be close to but aren't anymore. Reunited by Facebook, you occasionally banter about football or Libya, but it's sorta awkward because in a past life, you've seen one another throw up and cry.

3. Facebook friends 2.0. These are casual acquaintances, but thanks to the magic of Facebook, you've discovered how witty they are. They don't bring history or baggage, so you can imagine going out for a beer and having fun. But you don't have any history so it's weird to ask. 

4. Friends-in-law, a.k.a. husbands of your wife's friends. This dynamic is almost always pretty forced. Our wives might connect over their love for Etsy or large appliances, but I can only feign interest in golf for so long, and the guy next to me in the sweater vest drinking Rumple Minze feels the same way about my oral history of gangster rap and Marvel Comics.

5. Dad friends. I like these guys. I've met them through my children. They're a low-maintenance and diverse group: cops, pastors, personal trainers, teachers. They aren't looking to hug and talk about feelings; they just want a night away from the wife and kids as badly as I do. One drawback: Even though we want a night away from the kids, our conversations tend to drift that way, which suddenly makes us feel like mom friends, and that's creepy.

6. Stay-at-home-dad friends. This is a small, special breed of dad friends I've bonded with because my writing career allows me to be the primary caregiver of our two little gremlins. Sadly, I've met a lot more in the last two years, but the economy's loss is my gain: Stay-at-home-dad friends are awesome! They just don't give a f---. This subset has a lot of pent-up frustration and energy. The last time we went out, we ended up at a BBQ joint in the middle of a blizzard. By 2 a.m., we were greasy with brisket, swigging homemade wine from a plastic milk jug, and snowboarding on actual snowboards down the streets of my Philadelphia neighborhood. Stay-at-home-dad friends keep it a little too real for me to hang out with them often, which is why there was snow on the ground the last time I did.

These aforementioned dudes might not be a pretty bunch, but they serve their purpose. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a snide comment about Qaddafi to a Facebook friend whom I've seen cry and throw up at the same time. Yeah, we're that close.

2 Ways To Inject Extra Enthusiasm Into Your Relationship

After the initial dating phase, where everything about your new partner seems lined in a golden sheen, you find yourselves losing some of that sparkle. It’s natural, and all long-term couples face this problem. The ones who survive are the ones who figure out how to inject more passion into their relationship, before it’s too late. Don’t let your relationship fizzle and die. Use these two tips to inject more passion into your relationship now.

Keep Dating

Many couples forget what made them attracted to their mates in the first place. Sometimes work or kids leave them with little time to grow as a couple, and they move away from dating.

This can pose a serious problem for couples. It’s important to keep that spark alive by continuing to date. Whether it is once a week or once a month, it’s important to get some alone time with each other. This might mean getting a babysitter for an evening or putting overtime at the plant on hold. If your partner is worth it, don’t let the relationship grow stagnant and die.

Make Love In Weird Places

One great way to inject more passion into your relationship is to take your love making outside the bedroom. Make love in different rooms, in public places or places that you’d never normally think of as a hot-spot. Many couples fall into routine lovemaking. While there’s nothing wrong with routine, it’s always a good thing to add some spontaneity to the relationship.

Remember when you first met, and couldn’t keep your hands off of each other? That’s the kind of passion you want to recapture. Your partner wants to know that they’re still attractive, desirable, and you can’t get enough of them. They want to feel like they still have it in them to drive you crazy with lust, with a glance or a touch. Flirt with each other and build the anticipation.

For most couples, it’s easy to fall into a rut. Taking each other for granted and doing the same thing repeatedly, will lead most couples down the boredom highway. Every once in a while (as much as possible!) you need to hit the gas and swerve off that highway if you want your relationship to last. It’s not terribly difficult to inject more passion into your relationship, and it can be a lot of fun.

Fishing for Mr. Right: 

The Types Of Guys to Throw Back

How to Navigate the Rough Seas of Online Dating

 If you haven’t found Mr. Right yet, chances are you’ve tried or may consider trying an online dating site. Over the past few years, I’ve created profiles on a few sites and never had so much as one date come of it. In fact, I decided to give up on online dating altogether last year after I discovered the one guy I was planning to go out with had a girlfriend.

However, I recently decided to jump back in the online dating pool after my housemate and best guy friend encouraged me to keep at it, so I gave it a try on one of the popular free sites.

To my surprise, my inbox has seen a steady stream of invitations from my male counterparts. I’ve also actually gone out with a few of them—the first of which I thought had real potential until he revealed his true colors a month into dating. As stunned as I was to see his alter ego emerge, I realize now that the signs were there and I should have proceeded with greater caution.

Since then, I’ve vowed to guard myself and created a list of men and equated them to various types of 'fish' as a reminder of who to watch out for during my quest to find love. To all the lovely single ladies out there who are also searching for their soulmate among a vast sea of fish, I hope this list will help safeguard your heart as well. 

The Blowfish-

This guy wants one thing and that’s to get in your pants! He will come on fast and strong and may even disguise himself as Mr. Nice Guy on the first date or two before he reveals his kinky side. In fact, one guy I dated did just that. He went out of his way to charm me and win me over—even having his mom bake me cookies twice—before his conscience finally kicked in and he decided he had too much respect for me to use me for sex.

Moral of this story:  Take it slow. All will reveal itself in time, and the real deal will stick around because he knows you are worth waiting for. So if you catch a blowfish, toss him back! 

The Clownfish-

Everything is a joke to this guy, including dating you. If you go out with him, expect to be embarrassed as it’s likely he will be surrounded by his drinking buddies and will succumb to their typical childish antics and rowdy, obnoxious behavior. The good news is a clownfish is easy to spot thanks to his goofy and drunken profiles pictures, so steer clear! 

The Starfish-

Every woman deserves to be treated like a princess—and by that I mean adored and respected. A starfish will never do that because he is too into himself. While his narcissistic personality may not always shine through online, it will on your first date.

My last date was a mild version of the starfish, and he dominated the evening with conversation about himself. He never even asked me one question about myself and, in the process, he revealed too much about himself. I quickly learned he is 8 years sober, broke, and doesn’t real have the job title he proclaimed. The guy later texted me to let me know he was nervous on our date and will be “calmer” on the next date. Umm, what next date? 

The Clam-

This guy may seem friendly at first, but as things start to heat up and you want to get to know him better, he will quickly “clam up.” Dating someone secretive and tight-lipped only breeds suspicion and that’s no way to lay a foundation for an honest and open relationship. Move on quick! 

The Muscle-

Anyone got a mirror? This guy will need it since he will be more into himself than admiring you. It’s easy to spot Mr. Muscle, thoug,h since all his profile pictures will feature his abs and biceps (and are often devoid of his head for some odd reason). If you don’t let yourself get caught up drooling over his brawn (remember, you need a guy with brains too!), you’ll look for smooth sailing. 

The Shark-

Beware of sharks! These guys are ruthless and tough, and there’s not a romantic bone in their bodies. Fortunately, sharks are also easy to detect since their profile names often have the word “death” or “dark” right in it and their image is equally as frightening. Need I say more here? 

The Snake-

The snake is a guy who is looking to create trouble in your life. As a prime example, my housemate’s crush found me online and asked for my number so he could text me contact information for some contractors who could repair my basement wall. After I gave him my digits, he instead hit on me via text and asked for more of my pictures. (He never did give me the contractors’ contact information, either.)

Not wanting my housemate to find out from someone else about what had occurred, I felt obligated to tell her what happened so she wouldn’t think I was trying to steal her crush. Sadly, she bought his bs response hook, line, and sinker after she confronted him. The good news is that you can be spared this type of agony if you keep an eye out for snakes! 

The Hammerhead-

You will find yourself beating your head against the wall with this guy. He always wants things his own way and will pout or whine until you give in—or he’ll just walk away. And let him because there’s no reasoning with him and all relationships should involve compromise so both parties are happy. 

The Goldfish-

This guy likes the finer things in life and will blow through his entire paycheck to get what he desires—from sports cars to gold chains. (Notice I didn’t say your heart?) It’s all about making him look good and there likely won’t be much left to spend on you, if he even wants to spare some change. Instead, look for a guy who is willing to pamper you too! 

The Guppy-

New at dating, this guy just wants to play the field. He is unsure of what he wants, except for sex of course, and he is nowhere near settling down or even interested in a monogamous relationship. Fortunately, on some dating sites, you can tell when another user is online. So if the object of your affection is still on the prowl or barely setting aside time for you, move on!

How Soon Should You Friend Him on Facebook?

The advent of social media can be seen as both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it’s that much easier to remember a loved one’s birthday, and a curse in that we’ve created unhealthy communication patterns.

Our generation has programmed ourselves into believing that being in constant communication is normal, and if we lack this then something must be wrong. Here at Life2PointOh we love getting our  Facebook on, but when it comes to dating, our advice is to proceed with caution, and here are five reasons why:

1. 24/7 Access - Imagine meeting someone for the first time and then handing them over your keys to your house. No one in their right mind would do that you’re saying? We couldn’t agree more! When you accept a friend request to someone you’ve just begun dating, you’re providing them with 24/7 access to your thoughts, your whereabouts, your past and your friends. Your privacy is sacred. Cherish it.
2. “Ma, Pa, meet my new make-out buddy” – Speaking of friends, accepting a friend request is also like introducing this new person to all your family and friends in one swoop. With one click, bam! They can now see every embarrassing post your dad and/or mom feels is appropriate to put on your wall. Awkward.
3. The green-eyed monster - Let’s think about you for a second. You know that as soon as that “special” person is your new “friend” or “follower” you’re going to read through their entire post history as if your life depended on it. You’re going to wonder about every girl that posts on their wall and every photo where he and some random are just a tiny bit too close for comfort. You’ll suddenly start inferring all sorts of things that are not even true and a figment of your own wild imagination.
4. A little too much, a little too quickly – Part of the fun of dating is getting to know the other person. When you spend basically all your free time stalking them on Facebook and chatting with them online you expedite that very special time in a new relationship. Embrace not knowing every little thing about your new beau. Let him tell you in person about his day. Trust us.
5. What if? - And last but not least, there’s always the awkward moment when things don’t work out. Because sometimes they don’t. Do you unfriend them, block them or what? You might be doomed to have constant reminders of that guy you once dated for a week for forever. Or, at least, until you figure out those darn privacy settings.

Looking up to another couple can help your marriage last

I love Niecy Nash. She’s a friend in my head. I’m not a fan of Clean House, but as an actress and TV personality, she’s just cute as a button. So I’m happy about her falling all deep in love and even more excited about her upcoming wedding.

A few days ago, I interviewed Niecy, aka the soon-to-be Mrs. Jay Tucker, and she mentioned that instead of having the standard bachelor and bachelorette shindigs, she and her fiancé decided to host a party with happily married couples. The affianced pair basked in advice on keeping their love healthy, and their guests showered them with morsels of wisdom that Niecy says she’ll carry into her second time around as a newlywed.

What a cute idea! I told her. And I promise I will be borrowing it, since I give bachelor parties the screw face for causing too much trouble. Besides, who couldn’t benefit from having a relationship role model (or two or three)?

I’ve never been married — y’all should all know because I darn sure talk about it enough, right? But I think a lot of relationships fail because folks are so guarded about what’s going on with them and their boo. So many of us are wrapped in making it look good when we should invest that kind of energy into making sure it is good.

When Boyfriend Deluxe is plucking my nerves or has done something infuriating (which is right now, as a matter of fact, so stay tuned for another post on foolish man pride and the consequences of being stupid dumb stubborn), I share it. No shame in my game. Because keeping it contained won’t fix it. It just festers, like a closed mouth with bad breath, no peppermint, and a sudden rash of things to say to the person next to it.

So that’s why I think this idea of looking up to other couples who've been making it work for years and years is such a cool concept because it gives newbies — even 41-year-old ones like Niecy — a chance to get outside of themselves and listen to what seasoned vets who’ve been there, done that have to say. Old couples can laugh some stuff off, I swear. And when you tell them something that’s irking you about your man right now, they give each other this knowing glance like, remember when we were there? That was so 30 years ago.

That’s where I’m trying to be. So I don’t mind the mentorship.

I have a few relationship role models. My mother, awesome woman that she is, was never snatched up by some handsome, worthy gentleman to give me a power pair to mold my own relationships after. But my grandparents were adorable. They left an impression of what a happy lifetime together can and should look like.

They met in the 1940s when my granddaddy, in an attempt to hit on my shy, quiet, church-going Nana, got too tipsy to hold his weight and fell off his bar stool in a jook joint. Naturally, she wouldn’t give him the time of day after that. I used to tease her about having the nerve to be high-class and uppity when she had her rear end parked there just like e’rybody else. But natural charm will take you far, and even after a less-than-ceremonious introduction, Granddaddy wore her down, then won her over. Several decades of happy marriage, five kids, and a heap of grandchildren later, I’m the product of that love story.

There have been other folks along the way — my aunt and uncle, who celebrate their 20th anniversary next month — and my pastors, who have been living out their own happily ever after for the past 25 years. And (don’t laugh) Cliff and Clair Huxtable and Dan and Roseanne Conner. Fictional characters, yes. But the writers who developed them took time to make them into believable people with personalities and habits and qualities that helped them reflect realness and real love.

So, that’s my spiel. What do you want your marriage/partnership to look like in 20 years and who are your relationship role models?

Find Your Dream Relationship in 10 Steps

Vision boards are all the rage right now. You cut out pictures or words from magazines that represent the ideal scene of your life and glue them to a poster board, making a beautiful collage of images that create a vision of what you’d like your life to be like. 

Sometimes vision boards actually work. The reason for this is because by taking the time to mindfully do this kind of creative project you are developing a clear intention. This intention supports you to truly understand what you wantand sets the energy in motion to create it. Intention can be the driving force to put into action what we really want in a life affirming direction.

 

The exercise below is a powerful and profound way to set a clear intention for what you want to create in your life and you can also use this tool for creating the kind of relationship you want. 

Here are 10 easy steps to help you manifest the man or woman of your dreams:

1) Visualize. Let yourself dream what it is you really desire and visualize it in your mind’s eye. Take 5-10 minutes to center yourself in yourself, close your eyes and feel a deep sense of peace and relaxation as you envision the relationship of your dreams.

2) Write out exactly what you want in the present tense, as if it were happening now, as if it has happened already. This is a powerful act that sets in motion what you want to create right now, supporting clarity and realization to make your dream a reality. 

3) On the first line of a piece of paper write the words: I AM. Complete the sentence after the “I AM” by writing (in the present tense) in specific detail the type of person you want to be with or the type of relationship you want to have. Be active and clear with your description. Examples could be: I AM enjoying a loving relationship with a man who is kind, gentle, and loving. Or I AM loving spending time with a woman who likes to have fun, enjoys dancing and also likes to cook together at home.

4) Continue writing sentences beginning with “I AM”  down the page until you feel all you want in a relationship is included. Do your best to go right to the heart of the matter. Let it flow but don’t get too nit-picky. Remember you want to find a human being not a conceptual idea that may not exist.

5) Affirm the positive.  Make sure each sentence is affirmed in the positive, refraining from using negative description words such as “not.” When we affirm in the negative we can magnetize the negative towards us. When we affirm in the positive we affirm ourselves.

For example, I AM NOT fighting with my loved one, could be instead: I AM communicating with my loved one with maturity, openness and ease. 

6) Know your non-negotiables.  Be aware of what you will not tolerate. Use your past experiences to be clear about what you do not want to engage in your next relationship. For example, if you are 100% positive you don’t want to be in relationship with someone who lives out of state or someone who doesn’t want kids, etc. then, include these non-negotiables in your ideal scene. Remember to frame in the positive, i.e., a person in my community, a person who wants children, etc.

7) Know your values. What values are most important to you right now in life? Make sure they are included in your “I AM” list, and set the intention to create a person who upholds the same values as you. A successful relationship must be in agreement or at the very least respect each other’s values.

8) Review your list. Check to see if you have excluded anything that is important to you. But make sure this list represents a bigger picture dream, rather than getting caught in insignificant details. For example, He must make $200,000 a year. Rather, He makes a good living that will support our family. 

9) Read over your list each day out loud for a week to ground it in your consciousness. Place it somewhere you can see and visit it as you are called to remember what it is that you really want to create.

10) Remain open. Be willing for your next relationship to have pleasant surprises and not be an exact replica of this image in your mind. Yet, if you meet someone who does not match your values or your non-negotiables, don’t compromise.

Five Steps to Holding a Relationship Together After Making Mistakes

Mistakes happen. Maybe you broke his trust by going to a bar with the girls when you said you were going to the movies. Maybe he met an ex-girlfriend for lunch when you thought he was at work. The one question that remains is whether or not you want to move past this and continue in the relationship. Still, even when you agree you still want to be together, it can be challenging to work through it to move on. Here are some tips that should make this a reality.

1. Start with full disclosure. Make sure to reveal everything about what happened, where it went horribly wrong. Stick with the facts. Leave excuses out of it. One of you messed up. There is no excuse. Take responsibility, be honest about everything and be willing to answer any lingering questions. It's better to get this all out in the open. You don't want anything to be left out and come back to bite you later on. This will be painful, but oh so very necessary.

2. Offer a heartfelt apology. There is an art to a good apology. First, it should come from the heart. And it should indicate an understanding of the mistake. Something like, "Baby, I'm sorry that I went to a bar with the girls, rather than a movie. I know I betrayed your trust. I wasn't lying. We were supposed to go to a movie, but some of the girls got carried away with the drinks at dinner... Nothing happened. I didn't dance with any guy. I didn't talk to any guy..." Whatever is true for you. Just make sure you mean what you say.

3. Implement some changes in the relationship. More than anything, you need to figure out what is going to keep this from ever happening again. Is it that you vow to never go to a bar without your partner? Is it that you work on open communications in the relationship? Is it that you come up with some guidelines for the relationship? The end result needs to be that the two of you feel better, that you are confident that there will be no further slip ups.

4. Let it go. If you really want the relationship to work, you can't dwell on the past. Instead, focus on the future. Don't bring up mistakes even in fights. Remember, it's the past.

5. Work on building trust. There are only a few ways to truly build trust. There is no instant fix. Instead, trust is built over time. And it is built over times of proving yourself. If you really want this relationship, be patient. It will happen.

Are You "In Like" or "In Love"?

You've been dating for a few months, and things are going along swimmingly well. Some might even say that you are "two peas in a pod"—the perfect couple. Heck, you might even agree. But there is a big difference between being in "like" and in "love" with your current sweetie. Most people can usually tell when they're falling for someone special. But sometimes it's very easy to confuse the two. For all intents and purposes, falling in "like" feels really great. This is typically the stage in which those "butterflies" are introduced. But this is also a precarious time, a time in which the line between like and love is irrevocably blurry. These clues might help...

In Like: You introduce them to your friends.
In Love: You introduce them to your family.

There is a big difference between friends and family. The two are certainly meant to interact and live harmoniously. But since friends are extensions of our selves, they serve as sort of a gatekeeper between a significant other and the family. Let's face it; if you're considering making someone a permanent fixture in your world, introducing him or her to the fam is a pretty big step.

In Like: You care about what they look like.
In Love: You care about what you look like.

In the beginning stages of love, it's likely that you'll get plenty wrapped up in how hot your newest conquest is. But over time, things like looks become less objective—a lot more internal. If you never really dug that new girl you started dating, then you won't see moving on as a big struggle. On the flip side, when you really fall hard, you are suddenly faced with the possibility that the feeling may not be mutual. It's at this moment that you double-check your own level of hotness.

In Like: Your relationship is made up of good dates.
In Love: Your relationship is made up of lots of special moments.

In the beginning of a carefree relationship, you will experience many different adventures. The horizon looks bright and sunny, and the world is full of things to see and do. These are known as good dates. You're supposed to have good dates in the beginning. But most people have figured out that solid, long-term relationships contain lots of private, inexplicable moments shared between two people. These are collections of life's little unpredictable occurrences that become part of your journey together. Yeah, yeah, yeah—it sounds sappy. But when that compilation of moments becomes an anthology, you can be certain that you're in a bit more than like.

In Like: You overlook their character flaws.
In Love: You accept their character flaws.

Some may say that the beautiful thing about shallow relationships is that you get to overlook all the little flaws you've subconsciously identified. It doesn't matter that your new guy seems a bit shifty at times. He's amazingly cute. And what happens when a guy figures out that the coy act he found so endearing wasn't really an act? When you're "in like," these things don't really matter since you're not looking toward the future. But once you've sorted out your mate's "flaws" and you're still pretty smitten, you know you're on the track to love.

How Choice Plays an Important Role in Relationships

Are you happy with the relationship you are in now? Are you confident in knowing it will last forever or do you find yourself having difficulty? Here are some things to consider that may greatly impact your life.

How we love.
Our culture is filled with romance movies which depict people falling in love as falling into bed, or succumbing to some crazy obsession with one another which is seemingly magic. As fun as this novelty is, it really sets our expectations up for disaster. In real life, lasting love has many more components than you may realize. The simplest component is one word - choice. When love is ruled by choices it is more sound and stable. Leo Buscaglia, a famous USC professor (who was also known as 'Dr. Love') once said, "It is difficult for some people to accept that love is a choice. This seems to run counter to the generally accepted theory of romantic love which expounds that love is inborn and such requires no more than to accept it." Professor Buscaglia put so eloquently into one phrase what I am trying to convey: love isn't ruled by emotions. There is no denying are emotions involved - very strong ones. That said, a successful relationship should be ruled by choice first and foremost. In the following section I'll explain why.

Using choices in a relationship is vital for lasting partnership.
Often, putting choice as the forefront of how we love is difficult. As human beings, emotions and feelings often run so strong they rule our decisions. In the beginning of romantic love, one will of course, be on their best behavior. However, as time goes on and two people get to know each other both the best and worst sides will show up. The reason why choice is so important is because when disagreements arise or as time goes on, your ability to love that person involves choosing to do so. For example, if you are starting to develop feelings of boredom or apathy, you can either act on those feelings, or choose to think positively and kick negative thoughts out of your mind.

Choice and feelings are both important and can work harmoniously for your benefit.
The mind is a powerful tool. You can train yourself to think whatever you want. People think pain, addictions and even physical illnesses away. In difficult times in a relationship, or when your partner is being unfair or rude, you can choose to let it destroy the way you think of them, or choose to love them for who they are and accept this is their personality. Many times, people put their feelings first. Their emotions are telling them 'my partner isn't being fair', 'I deserve better', 'I am right, they are wrong!' and so forth. Then they make choices based on those emotions. This is why so many relationships start out beautifully and then disintegrate to heartbreak. Likewise, I blame the divorce rate on this issue. It's the reason people also cheat and lie. They follow their feelings, doing as they please while putting the ability to choose clear-headedly on the back burner. However, when you train your mind to choose the high-road instead of jumping into a spiraling ride of emotions, it has a tremendous effect on your relationships. Not only that, but your life on a whole will be better (and easier) if you can train yourself to not allow your emotions to rule your life.

Think positive thoughts - use choice to direct your emotions towards love.
Your relationship will reflect what you reflect on. Do you think of the things you love about your partner, or do you seethe over the things you dislike about them, perhaps even convince yourself to hate them? If you choose to, you can convince yourself to love even the traits which are less desirable in your other half. Think positively. Don't allow your emotions to run wild in tough times. Choose not to allow conflicts to damage your love. Keep a clear head, express love and choose the high road when it comes to aspects of your love. Feed your relationship with positive things and you will have results.

5 Things You Should Be Able to Openly Discuss with Your Partner

It would probably be fair to say that every couple has a secret or two that they don't want to divulge to their partner. In some cases, this isn't such a bad thing. However, in a relationship there are some issues you shouldn't shy away from. Topics which are awkward or hard to handle are usually the most important ones and they should be dealt with as a partnership or it could lead to trouble. The ability to talk openly about these important aspects of your life together is the only way you can truly hope to be happy.

Your future goals

Before you get too serious about your relationship, you must determine whether you both have similar plans for the future. Taking a big step like moving in together would be a huge mistake if you don't want the same things. Imagine how heartbreaking it would be to find out that your boyfriend doesn't want children while you are planning to turn the second bedroom into a nursery. I have seen relationships blown to pieces because the couple didn't talk openly about what they wanted out of life before they bought a house together. A lot of pain could have been avoided if they had just stopped to discuss their future beforehand.

Money

In these times of financial crisis it is more important than ever to openly discuss money with your partner. The money you and your partner earn is money for both of you to live on, so there shouldn't be any secrets about the size of your wage packets. I used to date someone who refused to tell me how much he earned even after we had been together for three years! This kind of secret can be toxic in a relationship. Not only is it harder to stay within a budget if you don't know how much money you both earn, it also raises questions about what other secrets might be hidden from you.

Sex

We all know that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. But it is definitely important. If something isn't working for one of you, it needs to be discussed. It is always more embarrassing to talk about sex than to do it, but you need to get over that because issues in the bedroom will quickly spill into other aspects of your lives. It's not just problems that should be discussed either. You should also be able to openly discuss new ideas and fantasies to stop your sex life becoming stagnant. Talking about sex should never be uncomfortable. It's supposed to be fun!

Work

The stresses of work nearly always follow you home. Even if you don't want it to happen, a bad day at the office can result in bad moods and lashing out. You should both be willing to talk and listen to each other's work issues because keeping the problems bottled up only makes them worse. Holding on to stress is as damaging for a couple as it is for an individual, so don't let it eat away at you.

Bad habits

I'm sure you've heard people say that it's the little things that count in a relationship. Well, a large number of little bad habits can drive a person crazy. You should be able to openly tell your boyfriend if his bad habits are annoying you. Likewise, you must be prepared to hear the things he would like you to change too Don't let small things like him folding his underpants before sex (yep, it happened to me!) or leaving toe nail clippings all over the bathroom floor ruin what you have. If you can't tell each other what you find unacceptable, you will annoy each other right out of the relationship.

If you can't openly discuss all of these things with your partner, you may have problems in the future. All of these issues are things which won't just go away if you ignore them. They fester and eat away at a relationship until it is too late to fix them. Don't let it happen to you.

Female Friendships: The Dynamics of the Long Handled Spoon

Your female BFF just crossed the line of appropriateness around your fiance. You've dealt with the situation peacefully. But the residue from the incident still remains. You've decided to deal with said friend with a Long-Handled Spoon. The unofficial definition of feeding someone with a "long-handled spoon" refers to keeping a person a certain distance from you, figuratively or otherwise. The individual doing the feeding is usually attempting to avoid any pain or conflict, by preventing the other person from entering his/her personal space.

The long-handled spoon in female friendships can be quite the complicated notion. On one hand, we need our female cohorts for validation and support. But in the process, sometimes toes get stepped on, feelings get hurt and friendships become damaged. Enter the stage, the Long-Handled Spoon, a popular tool for coping in female friendships. But before making your pal eat crow with one, you might want to take a closer look at the dynamics.

When to apply the Long-Handled Spoon Rule

Someone has hurt you deeply. You've forgiven and made peace. But the incident is far from forgotten. There may be reasons why you still have to see each other. Perhaps you're co-workers. You might even have strong ties to a mutual friend or relative. In any case, this is when the Long-Handled Spoon becomes an important managing tool. It's a way of dealing with a difficult person without getting your hands dirty. In general, most women apply this friendship rule when the potential for others to be hurt is present. Flirtations that have gone awry, spilled secrets, and other broken trusts usually preface the Long-Handled Spoon. In general, this is a popular coping mechanism whenever there is trepidation regarding the consequences of a falling out.

How to apply the Long-Handled Spoon Concept

You still may be wondering exactly how this whole spoon-feeding thing works. While the practice isn't meant to be cruel, how do you deal with a female buddy without really dealing with her? One method involves socializing, but perhaps only in groups, instead of one-on-one. Maybe your long-handled spoon is a bit subtler: by sealing your lips on sensitive topics. There are all sorts of ways to establish personal boundaries, especially after a disagreement. Nonetheless, the best long-handled spoons keep both parties from feeling uncomfortable in one another's presence.

Repercussions of the Long-Handled Spoon tactic

Sometimes dealing with a female friend from a distance has its downfalls. If you're really attempting to repair a damaged friendship, standoffish-ness may prevent both parties from dealing with the real issue. Long-Handled Spoons don't always affect the two female pals in question. This kind of interaction can put a strain on others, especially in social groups or around children. Tension often spreads when others pick up on bad vibes. Sometimes the Long-Handled Spoon has the potential to become the Non-Existing Spoon. You may spend so much time guarding yourself from that "toxic" friend that ultimately there's nothing left to feed with that spoon.

Benefits of the Long-Handled Spoon

It must also be mentioned that the Long-Handled Spoon method for dealing with conflict isn't always the worst thing. Sometimes time apart can help injured parties heal. Time and distance from difficult situations often provides the kind of wisdom that only occurs in retrospect. You might find that your friendship is strengthened by the time apart, and the new-found respect for boundaries.

Is it Love or Lust? Five Signs It's Lust and Not Love

Knowing whether it's lust or love can save a lot of heartache for the both of you, especially if one is leaning more toward love and the other just doesn't feel the same way.

Knowing whether you're feeling love or lust isn't always easy. Usually, the initial stage of dating is a mix of lust and like with a dash of excitement. After some time passes, it may be difficult to tell whether the feelings grew into love or you just think they did. The sooner you come to a conclusion, the better it can be for you and your guy. If you identify with one or more of the following signs, your relationship may be more about lust than love.

Deep Conversation Isn't Very Important

When you're developing strong feelings for a guy or are already in love with him, you usually want to learn as much about him as possible including about his past and what he sees himself doing in the future. You'll reveal deeply personal information about yourself as well. I once dated a guy who kept telling me I didn't open up to him enough. After awhile of hearing this, I realized it shouldn't be as difficult for me as it was - I had no interest in sharing personal information even though he did with me. If you find yourself not opening up to him because you don't want to, your feelings are likely more lusty than loving.

You See Each Other More In Bed Than Out of It

Sex is important in a relationship, but so is spending more together out of bed - and with clothes on. When it seems like quality time consists of late night visits or lunch time quickies, the relationship may lean more toward sex and pizza than marriage and wedding cake.

There's No Breakfast

Although the beginning stages of a relationship typically consist of parting ways right after sex or first thing in the morning, there is eventually an invite to either stay the night or do something non-sexual after waking up in the morning. When feelings start moving past the lust stage, there's usually a point where you get breakfast after spending the night together - not only because you're hungry but because you want just a little longer with that person before going home.

You Don't See Him in Your Future

Talking to your guy about having a future together usually doesn't happen in the early stages of the relationship, but that doesn't mean you don't at least consider the possibility. When you are in love with a guy, you see him as part of your future, whether it's at your birthday next year or putting a wedding ring on your finger in the distant future. There may be a reason you can't picture him by your side - it's even worse if you know you don't want him there.

He Hasn't Met Your Family

Part of getting serious in a relationship involves going to important gatherings together and meeting each others family. If you've been together for awhile and you haven't wanted him to meet your family or accompany you to any important family events even though there's been opportunities for him to do so, it's a sign that what you feel is more likely lust than love.

For some, it's easy to differentiate between lust and love, but for many it's more difficult. When it comes to feelings, it's better to know where you stand than to prolong it. It can save a lot of heartache for the both of you, especially if one is leaning more toward love and the other just doesn't feel the same way.

Four Surprising Ways to Attract the Opposite Sex

You've done all the "tricks" you've learned in Cosmo magazine. But your Man-Catching Mojo is still missing something. Perhaps you're overlooking some really simple things.

Hair extensions? Check. Fake lashes? Check. High heels? Little black dress? Great smile? Check, check, and check. You've done all the obvious things to get guys' attention. And so far, it's worked—kinda. There is a chance that you're wondering how your "less obvious" gal pal ends up scoring all the hot, available guys. There's nothing wrong with going all out to enhance your assets. But if you want to attract men under all sorts of circumstances, you might be overlooking a few key elements of female seduction. Try some of these surprising tricks.

Take longer, slower strides.

What's the big hurry? With a relaxed expression and a casual gait, you'll look introspective. Men whose eye you catch won't feel that they must skip to catch up with you—making it much easier for them to start up a conversation with you. You'll also love that the longer strides help your legs look longer. When you walk a bit slower, you appear in control of your stride. And confidence = sex appeal.

Wear red lipstick.

Want to really make an impact? Keep the rest of your make-up light and dewy. Then finish off the clean yet polished look with a pop of red. This works well on days when your outfit is extremely casual. The red lip says: "I've got a wild, seductive streak"—even when you're dressed down. In general, the color red is both whimsical and designed to get people to notice the wearer. Have fun with it.

Skip the big purse.

Have you ever noticed how much you tend to fidget when you're carrying a purse? You're either adjusting its straps, swinging it...or constantly rifling through it. Handbags, as wonderful as they are to look at and carry around, can be a distraction. The next time you head to the mall, or on weekend errands, sport a clutch—or better yet---go empty handed. If you're typically attached to the hip with your bag, you'll probably feel "naked" and perhaps a bit self-conscious at first. But after a time, the freedom will begin to look good on you.

Be nice to other people.

Your mother had more than one reason for nagging you about always being on your best behavior. You never know when someone will be watching you. Salty remarks, snide looks, and other things you thought no one was paying attention to, could be what keeps that guy in the bookstore from approaching you. Contrary to popular belief, men actually like women who are nice and respectful of others. This quality in and of itself can take you from a "6" to a "10" in the mind of the hot guy checking you out.

Four Simple Tips for a Respectful Relationship

One of the best parts of being in a long term relationship is getting to be your self. In the right relationship, you are even your best self. And a big part of that best self is remembering to treat the other person right. Boil it down, dress it up, however you want to look at it, it comes down to respect. If you're serious, this is how you show it.

1. Develop an attitude of gratitude. It seems silly, but be thankful to your partner. It could be something small like taking out the garbage or vacuuming. It could be something big like jewelry or a surprise vacation. It could land somewhere in between. What matters is that you show your appreciation. Say 'thank you.' It counts. It matters. It makes a difference.

2. Apology accepted and expected. You were probably raised with a constant reminder to say that you were sorry when you hurt someone. That doesn't end because you are in a relationship. It's easier for a partner to love us unconditionally when we aren't mistreating them and behaving like that's acceptable. Even for small slights, apologize. It won't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

3. Feelings first. When you love someone, you need to put your partner's feelings first. I follow a simple rule. When I am about to do something, I imagine how I would feel if my fiancé was doing it. Should I go to lunch alone with a male co-worker? Hmmm. I wouldn't want him to do it. Should I make plans on our day off together to do something with someone else? Ouch. I'd really be wounded if he did that. When I remember that rule, I tend to spend a lot less time apologizing. It's an added bonus.

4. Be nice. The person you care about most in the world should always know it by the treatment received, the spoken word, and affection shown. So there should be no name calling. Make time to offer up more hugs and kisses. And use small gestures to show your partner matters.

It is too easy to forget to treat the person we love with the respect a partner deserves. May these tips help make a difference in your relationship.

Seven Signs He's Marriage Material

Thinking about settling down sometime soon? Hoping a husband and kids are just around the corner? If this is the case, you may need to evaluate the man you're dating to see whether he's the right one to build that life with. Some guys are just not ready to even consider the transition into married life. If you are anxious and ready to begin the next phase of your life, make sure your relationship has the potential to lead to marriage, so that you are not wasting your time. Here are seven signs that will show you that your boyfriend is "marriage material":

1. He keeps a tidy home.

If you go over to your boyfriend's apartment and there are clothes everywhere, dirty dishes piled as high as the ceiling, and a giant health code violation for a bathroom, he might not be ready for the demands of keeping up a home. He may just need a little motivation to clean up, but if it's like pulling teeth to get him to run a vacuum, he may not be marriage material quite yet.

2. He is financially responsible.

Starting a life together takes a lot of money, from paying for a wedding to buying a house, and you need to know he'll be able to budget for all the upcoming expenses. A man who is marriage material should have savings and a plan for paying off his debt, avoid excessive frivolous spending, and have a solid idea of where his money is going each month.

3. He has mentioned his future children.

I'll never forget when I was just getting to know my husband and he made the comment, "My kids will never..." I don't even know what the end of the sentence was, but what mattered to me was that he saw kids in his future. If your boyfriend has never even mentioned future children, but you want to have kids, he might not be the right man for you to marry.

4. He has made sacrifices for you.

Marriage is all about selfless sacrifice. A great sign that your man is marriage material is that he has, at some point, chosen you over something else. Whether that means he went to your drama production instead of his poker night, or he got up on Sunday morning to go to church with you when he was battling a hangover, he needs to show that he is willing to compromise and give of himself in your marriage.

5. He is not too attached to the "bachelor lifestyle."

If you feel like your boyfriend spends an inordinate time at the bar with friends, littering the floor of his living room with beer cans, and engrossed in video games, he might not be ready to give up his bachelor lifestyle. On the other hand, if he doesn't have a problem giving up a Saturday night to help you fix your garbage disposal, he might be marriage material.

6. He treats his mom well.

Growing up, my mom always told me to watch how my boyfriend treated his mother and that would show how he would treat his wife. If your husband is patient with, considerate of, and kind to his mom (assuming she is a caring mother who is still in his life), he will probably be the same with you.

7. You can trust him to do what he says he'll do.

You've got to be able to count on your man to do the things he agrees to—especially when you throw things like paying bills and caring for children into the mix. If he seems to consistently "forget" to do the things you ask, he might not be marriage material.

Even if your boyfriend doesn't meet all of these criteria, you need to know that your he at least believes he will get married someday, that he's on track to leaving bachelorhood behind, and that he can see his future wife being you. Evaluating him based on these seven signs is a good place to start, but initiating an open, honest, and ongoing conversation about your future would be an even better way to find out whether he's "marriage material" for you.

Understand What to Look for in a Lady

Sometimes, knowing what you’re looking for in a woman can be quite difficult. And if you’re one of them, don’t get discouraged. It truly isn’t as difficult as you may think to find the right woman for you.

The very first thing you must do is resign to be very open-minded. You need to cast aside all the standards that you may have been using and start from scratch.  Forget what all your buddies say is attractive. Never mind what you see in the lingerie commercials on television. You’ll want to start with the very basics of what makes two people compatible, not two lovers, but two people in general, in order to find what kind of person works for you.

In order to find out what you are really looking for in a woman, you need to take the time to consider the complete person, not just the body. You need to take into consideration things like personality, interests, ambition and then looks. You’re probably wondering why I listed those traits in the order I did.

If you consider looks first it will tend to cloud your judgment on all the other traits. Men tend to be very easily visually stimulated. For this reason, what excites them at first sight tends to be what they think they want.

However, if you consider what you want in the other areas, the looks may not be so important. You may find that a woman with a great personality that likes football and racing as much as you do and who takes her career as a human resources director seriously, but who happens to be a brunette with only an average build, would suit you just fine. Personality, intelligence, ambition, sense of humor and interests play a much bigger role in attraction than just physical appearance.