Common Love Traps to Avoid

How did you find him, the guy who pushes all your wrong buttons? Here's an amazingly effective new therapy from Oprah's that just might transform what we think about when we think about love.

Not long ago, Jeffrey E. Young, PhD, a cognitive psychologist and clinical researcher at Columbia University Medical Center, met with a couple in crisis. The woman, let's call her Chloe, was brutally critical of her boyfriend, let's call him Dan. She thought Dan's teeth were ugly and wanted him to get them whitened; she thought his back was too hairy and complained that he wouldn't get regular waxing. It sent her into a rage when he was a few minutes late to pick her up on dates, even though Dan lived an hour away and traffic made exact arrival times nearly impossible. As Chloe continued with her onslaught, Young realized that Dan agreed with Chloe: Dan believed himself to be horribly flawed and thought Chloe was right to be angry with him. Although she was terribly critical of Dan, Young noted, Chloe loved him and was terrified of losing him.

If Young had been a Freudian therapist, he might have encouraged Dan and Chloe to speculate on the painful effect of childhood problems without suggesting specific ways to change their behavior. But Young began his career in the early '80s as a new therapy was gaining popularity—cognitive therapy, which teaches that how people think about events in their lives determines how they feel about them. Young, who studied with the man behind the therapy, Aaron T. Beck, was excited to be a part of a dynamic new method. But early on, he found that this approach alone was not enough to help clients with lifelong relationship troubles. "It was fine with people who'd been healthy and had problems only recently, but the majority of patients had problems that stemmed from their early life, and those people didn't respond well," he says.

Young began to spot a number of distinct, recurring patterns in his patients' psychological profiles—patterns laid down in early childhood that continued to shape their adult thoughts, actions, relationships, careers, and life choices. He called these habits "schemas," borrowing the ancient Greek word for "form," and he nicknamed them "lifetraps" to make it easier for his clients to understand both the concept and the risk of letting their schemas define them.

Although schema therapy began as an individual therapeutic strategy, it quickly turned into a couples therapy technique. "More than half the people we saw were coming in with problems with their relationship," Young says. "We thought, 'What if we got the partner in?' Once we did, we began to notice there was an interplay between them that was creating problems. One partner's schema would trigger the other's schema, and tensions would escalate." Some of the schemas dovetail—in a catastrophic way—each exacerbating the other. In fact, Young says, head-over-heels romantic attraction is often a sign of bad schema chemistry.

Young suspected that Dan suffered from the Defectiveness schema, which means that, when he was a child, his peers or family put him down, criticized him, and made him feel inferior. By asking questions in further sessions, he learned that Dan's mother favored his older brother and his father told him he was incompetent.

Chloe, on the other hand, was plagued by Unrelenting Standards. As a child, her family made her feel that, unless she was completely above reproach, she was a total failure. These are two of the 18 schemas Young has identified; a person may be affected or defined by any number of schemas—just as in astrology, people speak of an Aries who has a Cancer moon and Virgo rising. For instance, a patient may have the core schema of Emotional Deprivation and also be affected by the Abandonment and Self-Sacrifice schemas.

 Young's work has a curious parallel with recent developments in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, which suggest that our personal relationships affect the way the mind builds neural pathways. Your emotional memories—of a parent you adored or feared, of a partner you loved or lost—create pathways in the limbic part of the brain. Every time you revisit those memories, positive or negative, you reinforce the path, deepening a trench of emotional connection. Throughout life, your unconscious mind embraces any new person who reminds you of those older paths. They exert an almost irresistible pull, compelling you to make decisions that feel like choices but are actually automatic responses guided by the map of your past: It's like a ghost road that lures in passers-by. "We think what we call schemas are really what some people call neural pathways," Young says. People who want healthy relationships but have a history of unhealthy ones must work hard to resist the pull of habit and strike out along new pathways, literally and figuratively.

Young's first step is to help his patients recognize that they have schemas: "They've affected their view of everything," says Young. "But they don't see that there's anything wrong with the way they look at the world." He began by asking Chloe about her parents. She described them as high-level professionals who had been extremely critical of her. If she came home with an A- instead of an A+, for instance, her mother would withdraw her affection for a week, withholding kisses and kindness.

"I tried to get Chloe to remember what it felt like when her mother would withdraw from her and to remember how bad she felt about herself," Young says. As an adult, Chloe remained stuck in her schema, clinging stubbornly to her childhood fear that if she or anyone she was associated with was less than perfect, she would be a disappointment. Young knew that she had internalized her parents' harsh judgments and was not aware they weren't her own. His questions helped her make the connection that the way her mother hurt her was the way she hurt the men in her life—at which point, Chloe got it, saying, "I don't want to make Dan feel the way I felt."

Young also helped Dan realize that he was repeating his unhappy childhood cycle with Chloe: trying to prove that he was good enough. Young spent the next several sessions helping Chloe and Dan understand that when they upset each other, it was not out of deliberate cruelty but often because one partner had set off the other's core schemas.

"Chloe had to become more aware of when her Unrelenting Standards were being triggered, making her critical and mean," Young says. "Dan had to become aware of when he was starting to feel inadequate and trying to prove himself to her." When a fight began to escalate, Young instructed, they should say out loud, "Schema clash!"—as unnatural as it might feel—and then call a time-out. They should retreat into separate rooms and read through a flash card to remind them of the havoc their schemas were trying to unleash (Young helps couples create a variety of notes, tailored to common issues of discord—arguments over money or parenting, for example). A card for Chloe might read in part:

Even though I feel as if my criticisms are valid, it's almost certain that I'm being much too hard on Dan and too judgmental, the same way my mother was with me. Therefore I need to let up on him, stop criticizing him, and apologize for what I did.

 

Young admits this technique can seem awkward in the beginning. As therapy progresses and communication improves, the flash cards can be left behind. "Eventually, the partners catch their pattern much more quickly, and they don't have to have time-outs," Young says. They can head off the conflict before it arises. "When therapy is successful, it doesn't mean the schema inside each person isn't being triggered," he says. "But they learn that they don't need to let it out." As patients come to recognize their schemas, they realize that, although they are not entirely to blame for their strong feelings, they are responsible for learning to control them better.

Schema therapy saved Chloe and Dan's relationship. "We have a very high success rate with couples like this," Young says. Both partners genuinely wanted to change, and, still more important, both of them were willing to accept the idea that there was something wrong with their behavior. (Young estimates schema therapy succeeds with about 70 percent of couples he and his colleagues see.)

Those who have benefited from schema therapy have one thing in common: They felt the thrill and relief of learning that there was a name for the impulses that had directed their actions for so long. They could see there was a more accurate explanation for the unhealthy patterns in their lives and relationships than the one they'd been telling themselves. They stepped back from their lifetraps and studied the map of their behavior. And slowly, but perseveringly, they dared to set out on a different course, with a new understanding not only of the direction they wanted to take but of themselves. 

 

People tend to relate to one or more of these 18 schemas. Which schema or schemas sound familiar to you?

Abandonment
People who cling to others because they're afraid of being left and don't feel important relationships will last. They're usually attracted to partners who cannot be there in a committed way.

Emotional Deprivation
Most of the time, these patients haven't had someone to nurture them, to care deeply about everything that happens to them or someone who was tuned in to their true feelings and needs.

Entitlement
Those who hate to be constrained or kept from doing what they want or feel that they shouldn't have to follow the normal rules and conventions other people do.

Defectiveness
People who think they're unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others and believe that no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to get a significant partner to respect them or feel they are worthwhile.

Subjugation
In relationships, these people let the other person have the upper hand and worry a lot about pleasing other people so they won't be rejected.

Unrelenting Standards
People who must be the best at most of what they do and feel there is constant pressure to achieve and get things done. Their relationships suffer because they push themselves so hard.

Mistrust/Abuse
Those who feel that they cannot let their guard down in the presence of other people, or else that person will intentionally hurt them. If someone acts nicely toward them, they assume that he/she must be after something.

Self-Sacrifice
People who puts others' needs before their own, or else they feel guilty, and usually end up taking care of the people they're close to.

Social Isolation
Individuals who don't think that they relate well to other people and/or feel that they don't fit in with any sort of group.

Dependence
People who often feel helpless or aren't capable of making a decision without the aid of another person.

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness
Hypochondriacs and/or those who consistently fear that they will be involved in a catastrophe like an airplane crash or hurricane.

Enmeshment
Young's patients who have a weak sense of personal identity and habitually cling to or "mesh" with other people do so in order to feel like a complete person.

Failure
Someone who believes they will never succeed or that they're not as bright or talented as the people around them.

Insufficient Self-Control
Those who lack self-discipline and want to quit a task at the first sign of frustration or failure. (People with milder forms of this schema will give up personal satisfaction or fulfillment in order to avoid conflict or confrontation; could be described as a slacker.)

Approval Seeking
Individuals can place an extreme importance on other people's opinions and sometimes put a high level of significance on appearance and social status as a means to get attention.

Negativity
Someone who focuses on the worst parts of life (disappointments, missteps, and embarrassing moments) and might have inflated fears that they will make a mistake that will result in a personal crisis, like financial ruin.

Inhibition
People who are afraid to show emotion or, for that matter, initiate conversation—might be described as wallflowers.

Punitiveness
Those that believe even the smallest mistake deserves punishment. Usually hold themselves—and others—to very high expectations; find it hard to empathize or forgive mistakes, their own and those of others. 

 

A fresh approach to couples therapy, called schema therapy, works by identifying the patterns we get locked into and learning to work around them.  

Relationship Poltergeists (and How to Get Them the Hell Out of Your House)

 The Unopened Curry in the Spice Rack
The toothbrush is obvious—you get it out of there as soon as an ex first becomes an ex. But what about the indestructible spider plant you grew from his clippings, or the packet of curry you bought together for that recipe you never ended up trying? Or that box of ironic-but-not-completely Christmas ornaments he picked up from the Goodwill that you can't quite explain your inability to eBay away? While we all have the right to indulge in moments of wistfulness for the past (which memory so often sugar-coats), just remember, there's a reason why you two never ended up making that curry. So to speak.
The I-Can't-Believe-He-Said-That Thing He Said
So once—once—your spouse said, in a moment of madness, "Yes, yes I suppose your butt is, uh, slightly larger than Gisele's. But so what? I like it." Or else he happened to mention, late at night, after being severely overserved: "My friends all wanted me to marry her." You'd be forgiven for reading into it—well, if he said it once does that mean it's just been there in his mind waiting to bubble up to the surface?!—but if it's truly only come up once, consider this a moment of demonic possession, the voice not his own—and don't give it power it doesn't really deserve.
The Running Toilet of Eternal Despair
Every long-term relationship has that mysterious hinge, when the "How could he ever annoy me?" of new love turns into the "What about him isn't annoying?" of familiarity. So while you may think that some never-done household chore—the loose banister knob that comes off in your hand every time you go upstairs, the forever-running toilet your guests think is a babbling-brook sound machine—is the one thing keeping your household from peaceful equilibrium, consider that it might just be the receptacle of all your life frustrations. There's an easy solution: a handyman. If that's not possible, resolve to treat your partner with the patience and politeness you would a handyman you wanted to keep in your employ.
Ghosts in the Google
Internet-search histories are the new journals: You don't look at someone else's, and if you do (unless you've uncovered some illegal nefarious scheme), you are not allowed to be upset by what you've found. Relevant search terms: None / of / your / beeswax. 

The Holiday Spirit That Prevents Everyone from Getting into the Holiday Spirit
The old argument about where you are going to spend the holidays is a sneaky one. It appears to be a simple matter of logistics, but in truth, this yearly conversation is, like any talks regarding wedding planning, baby naming or date-night movie selection, secretly symbolic. How can he say he wants to skip your family's traditional Fourth of July picnic because it's inconveniently scheduled on, you know, Fourth of July? (Subtext: WHY DOES HE HATE YOUR MOTHER?) Or conversely, how could you have suggested that you didn't want to referee his family's annual political debate over Christmas ham? (Subtext: WHY DO YOU HATE HIS MOTHER?) Do both of yourselves a favor and try to stop obsessing about why he won't just be a sport and eat Aunt Agatha's marshmallow-fluff salad. His feelings about your extended family are not his feelings for you. After all, he has chosen to be with you—not Aunt Agatha.
The Talking Box in the Bedroom
If the voice you hear most often in bed is Piers Morgan's, it's time to reconsider the placement of your television. You don't need ghosts and static for that particular box to fry a couple.
The Ill-Fated "Cowgirl Surprise"
It was a dark and stormy night. You shared a bottle of wine and an article suggesting wild-sex advice, which you giggled over...and then decided to try. And [ominous thunder clap!] it didn't work out so well. You wisely never tried it again, though you still recoil at the memory. But nothing can kill a sex life like lingering embarrassment, especially if it puts a damper on any further adventurousness. Can you laugh about it? No? Huh. Can you remind yourself that you lived through it, you're still together and that at least it will never be that bad ever again? For heaven's sake, try.
Your Younger-You's Disapproving Glare
"I'm never getting married!"
"I'll never drive a minivan!"
"We'll always go out every night—and have sex every day!"
—Selected from The Finest Quotes of Younger You

We all want to stay true to ourselves. Of course we do. But it's okay if the "yourself" you're staying true to has changed. When you were 20, you thought you'd take a bucket-list trip every year and have enlightening conversations about the meaning of life at every dinner (each one of which would be life-changing-ly delicious and exotic). If the 40-year-old you is happy, then don't let 20-year-old hold you hostage. No offense, but 20-year-old you was so...20 years ago. 

Departed Soles: The Shoes You'll Never Wear Again
Whether your relationship began in the previous millennium or last week, it's inevitable: Unless you're vampires (in which case, you probably have a whole other set of issues), you're both older now. Things have been lost: Your ability to wear sexy-lady stilettos without whining about your bone spurs; the bid on the exact-right house that would have been the exact-right backdrop for your exact-right family (not that you're pregnant yet); the I'll-live-forever confidence that fueled your carefree bike rides together (before a car door knocked the wind out of you, as well as your fearlessness). It's okay to look back with gentle longing. But if you're obsessing over the path not taken, take a moment to ask yourself if this backwards glancing is helpful in any way. Chances are, it's not.
The Cobwebs in Your Bank Account
Many of us are haunted by financial secrets. Whether it's a savings account that exists only in imagination, a monster credit-card debt looming from the past or even secret money fantasies (e.g., financial security is your main priority, but you haven't worked up the nerve to admit this to your free-spirited aspiring-artist boyfriend), this is probably the top conversation you're not having but need to. No one wants to talk about money. But not talking about it doesn't make it go away.
The Pickle Fork of Love
Add this to pickle forks, baby-wipes warmers and upside-down mortgages on the "List of Things No One Needs": The thought that he may want to get back together with his ex. They broke up. And now he's with you. The end.
The Perfect Woman
We know, we know, you're almost perfect. You can imagine the perfect you. She's a lot like real you, except just a touch perfecter. She effortlessly balances her stellar career and social life, puts her partner and family first and every night finds time to make an interesting and healthful dinner, spotlessly clean her home, talk to her mother, knit a baby hat for a friend, run three miles, read a novel and, of course, get enough sleep so that she can be that same stellar self in the morning. She would be the perfect partner. And so many of us fall into her wily trap, trying to become her and in the process driving ourselves—and everyone else—crazy. Here's the thing about Perfect Woman: She's boring. She makes everyone feel bad for not being as perfect as she is. And besides, too much self-sacrifice doesn't actually make a woman perfect; in practice, it makes her frantic. Does your partner want to spend eternity with a frantic woman? More importantly, do you? Didn't think so. 

 Even the best-matched couples sometimes find moments when they sense that something's not quite right...only they can't say what. Here, love-life lurkers to banish forever.

How to Tell If Your Relationship is <i>Really</i> in Trouble

 All marriages have problems: He gives you silent treatment instead of talking when he's upset; you pay more attention to the kids' school art projects than to the details of his day; neither of you can agree on the fate of Peggy after leaving Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce on Mad Men. This, you tell yourself, is just what happens after so many years together, right? Or...not right? Because, sure, you're not fighting, and nobody's having an affair. But at the same time, what if dangerous issues are brewing? How can you are you supposed to know?

William Doherty, PhD, the Director of the University of Minnesota's ouples On the Brink project helps more than 60 exceptionally troubled couples a year. In his 35 years of doing this kind of work, he's noticed a handful of almost imperceptible signs when two people are just beginning to splinter apart. He tells us what to look for--when it comes in your own thoughts and actions-that may signal a crisis to come.  

1) You're Doing a Lot of Cost-Benefit Analyses

Perhaps this is you. While walking home from work, you have a little conversation with yourself: "I make dinner every night, plus, I said sorry when he freaked about organic toothpaste--even though I love organic toothpaste and it's not too expensive. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm usually the first apologize...and the first to stay home with the kids at night. I work so hard. And what am I getting in return? A hug before bed? The occasional bunch of flowers?"

What you're doing here is a cost-benefit analysis. Corporations do this all the time. A company that makes, say, skinny jeans, compares the energy, money and time all of its departments put into producing them with the energy, money and time it gets out of selling them, to figure out if it should keep manufacturing pants--in a style that horrifies short, round women all over the world--or just stop.

People also use this technique to make decisions. "At the beginning of the relationship," says Doherty, "this kind of accounting is natural and appropriate [for couples] deciding whether or not to commit." But if you've already joined your life with someone else, you may not realize that by engaging in this kind of emotional inventory, you're already seeing yourself as separate from your spouse. Your time, energy and resources are not his time, energy and resources. You're one business, and he's another, instead of the two of you being united for the profit of all.

2. You're Conducting an Imaginary Marriage

Just to clarify, an imaginary marriage is not an imaginary affair, complete with dreams of secret rendezvous in obscure motels. It's a more subtle and, at times, harder-to-recognize fantasy, says Doherty. What to look for? You sitting at your desk, watching Jeremy from production post yet another blissful photo of his wife and himself on Facebook--this time of their trip to Napa for her birthday. A thought crosses your mind: "Jeremy is so much more considerate than my husband."

Pretty soon, you make the leap to thinking things like: "If I were married to Jeremy, I'd never spend another holiday at home watching parades on TV." In your reveries, you tell yourself you'd go to Paris with him. You'd come home at night to him in the kitchen making veal cordon bleu. The two of you would never argue about the cost of non-generic toilet paper or give each other lectures on how many squares you're allowed to use. Because, in this relationship, you don't have to deal with all those pesky details that challenge real-life marriage and that probably also caused you to invent Jeremy, the ideal hubby, with whom no man, not even your good, adorable, non-cordon-bleu-making husband can compare. You've lost interest in your husband taking you to Paris or posting photos of you on Facebook. You're not ready to leave him in reality, but in the vast and unchecked world of your mind, you're looking for Mr. Anybody Else.

3. You're Building a Second Home

In a lot of marriages, there comes a time when you realize, "Hey, my husband isn't meeting all my needs. And I just have to accept that and start taking care of myself." This can be a healthy decision. Let's say you love all things literary, and he doesn't. So you join a book group, and maybe make some friends on Good Reads or Shelfari. Metaphorically speaking, you've built yourself a little room in your life and filled it with not just books but friends who love books. You have all kinds of wonderful conversations there.

Where things get dicey, says Doherty, is when you commit to more and more groups. As you get busier and busier, you build a room for each different activity, then fill that room with new intimates--now, you've built a gardening room and a PTA room, as well as a room for your weekly office drinks date. In fact, you have a whole house for your emotional life, and that doesn't include a room for your spouse.

One way to tell the difference between nurturing your own interests and moving out of your marriage, says Doherty, is to examine how you talk about your activities. If you're saying, "I've got to get my opera fix," on the way to the opera guild, then you're talking about your love of opera. But if you're saying, "I've got to do what I want," then you're looking for something much larger and more perilous for your relationship.

4. You're Keeping Coffee Dates Secret

After you've built the second home, there's often a tendency to hide what happens there. Let's say you and your friend--not your crush, not your secret love or your secret passion--from book club have coffee one afternoon. Over coffee, you two talk about the memoir Wild. You bring up your own mother's death. She brings up her own experimentation with drugs. The two of you share some pretty heavy intimacies. When you come home, your spouse asks what you did today. "I worked," you say. "And then I picked up the dry cleaning and called that guy about the car."

The problem is not that you shared an intimacy with somebody else, says Doherty, "but that you edited the event out of the conversation." In other words, you're hiding a meaningful exchange from the person you supposedly most trust--and you didn't give that person the opportunity to have that meaningful exchange with you. Another way to think about it? You took an emotional risk with someone, but you didn't (or couldn't or wouldn't) take the lesser risk of telling your spouse about it.

In all these situations, says Doherty, whether you recognize it or not, you're beginning to start a new life--as yourself, the individual, and not yourself, the part of a couple. At times, you may be convinced you're just giving yourself some space or giving your spouse some time to himself. But all that space and time can quickly turn into emotional light years. Thankfully, this distance can also lead to some clarity on whether or not you want to return back to where the two of you started--over thousands of revolutions of the planet that mark the rest of your experiences on earth.

The DOs and DON’Ts of Arguing

He still hasn’t fixed the broken doorknob. You forgot to tell him about the double-date you scheduled (rom-com double feature!), again. Before you know it, you’re having it out about everything you’ve every been mad about. But before you lose your cool and start slamming doors (how do you think that doorknob broke in the first place?), read up on these tips for fighting fair—instead of fighting to the death.

DO have it out face to face. This means truly face to face, not text to text or seething email to seething email. Go ahead, try to find an example of a time you had a fight over G-chat and had it end well.

DON’T avoid the fight. If something’s been bugging you—really? Dirty laundry on the bathroom floor, again?—eventually, it’ll come out. Choosing to let it out in a calm, constructive way will lead to a better outcome than waiting until you unleash on him in the hosiery aisle at Target (“Maybe you wouldn’t need new socks if you managed to throw the ones you have in the hamper!”).

DON’T state opinion as fact. Instead of saying matter-of-factly that your partner is disrespectful—a sure way to get them immediately defensive—pick an example and ease into it with an “I” statement: for example “I felt disrespected when you turned our backyard into a neighborhood petting zoo without asking me first. You know goats scare me.”

DON’T pick a fight in public. You won’t get anywhere when there’s an audience around you (unless the plan is to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible), so save the drama for the stage, not your sister’s engagement party or your significant other’s office party. Wait until you get home—fine, or until you get to the car—to bring up whatever’s bothering you.

DO stay on topic. First you’re fighting about your mother-in-law, and next thing you know, every fight from the past 15 years is on the table. Take a deep breath and bring it back to the source of the argument—and work together on solving just that one this time around. Save some fun for next week!

DON’T fight to win. Fight with the intention of meeting in the middle, not with the intention to crush the competition. “Winning” the argument may feel good in the moment, but it’s compromise that will actually lead to fewer arguments about the same thing in the future.

DO end on the same page. What a waste, skipping tonight’s episode of The Daily Show only to argue with no conclusion. Make the fight worth it by getting some real problem-solving done—and confirm with each other that you’re going back to your corners with that same solution in mind.

How Conflict Can Create Love

 We fade in on a couple sitting quietly at Sunday morning breakfast. Suddenly, a seemingly innocuous comment swiftly shifts the peaceful mood into prodigious conflict.

She: Could you be more careful when you take out the trash? Yesterday you left a total mess.

He: (stung) Well, excuse me. I didn't know I was getting the white-glove test.

She: (annoyed by his tone): I don't see how you could have missed it. Are you blind?

He: I just can't win. Whatever I do, it's never good enough for you.

She: Well, if you would just open your eyes and pay attention to what you were doing, then I wouldn't have to say anything.

He: There you go, blaming me again. You are such a control freak.

So it goes until they either start yelling or stop talking altogether. All couples experience conflict-but conflict can either break their connection or be the basis for deeper intimacy. Imagine the same conflict expressed in a different way:

She: I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way. Thank you for taking out the trash, but next time could you please check to see if you left any trash behind? I would really appreciate it.

He: I'm sorry. I was in a hurry and didn't realize that I did that. I'll double-check next time, and thank you for telling me in such a nice way.

Falling in love is a truly wonderful experience, but love doesn't stay wonderful all by itself. Continuing to love that same person over time depends on our ability to resolve conflicts that naturally arise. Most relationships fail because couples are not able to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. Couples who blame, criticize, defend, and rage will have great difficulty maintaining intimacy.

We have all witnessed couples who are quarreling, and their level of criticism, contempt, and defensive behavior makes it clear why they're having trouble. When couples take the gloves off and use words like weapons, they wipe out all the good feelings. They too easily fall into using the same dysfunctional skills they learned in their own families, and they create the same anger and resentment in their current relationship that they felt growing up. Each person's sense of reality is based on his or her own unique perspective, which can result from their total experience in the world, not just their childhood.

We are all born with a certain temperament, physical appearance, intelligence, and innate talents. We believe, think, need, care about, are sensitive to, or are wounded by certain experiences, some similar to each other's and some quite different. These diverse traits and experiences form our personality and worldview. When we find that special someone, we are encountering a different set of traits and experiences, forming our partner's particular personality. Where our differences clash, conflicts arise, shaped by our particular patterns of personality and experience.

Conflict is the natural result of our different likes and dislikes, our particular sensitivities, our perceived slights, and our emotional wounds-in short, of our being two diverse people. All couples experience conflict, and accepting that conflict is a natural process is an important step toward creating intimacy. The problem is not that we fight, it's how we fight. How we respond to conflicts has everything to do with how we resolve them. Productive and efficient conflict resolution is a vital dynamic in the creation of lasting love. Until we learn this crucial skill, we will find ourselves caught up in the same negative exchanges time and again.

I once worked with a couple in which the husband was angry and bitter toward his wife because she never initiated sex. Of course, his behavior was completely counterproductive: his anger and bitterness made his wife withdraw all the more. As we peeled back the layers, we discovered that he felt truly unlovable. Once he understood where his anger was coming from, he could risk expressing how much he loved and needed his wife. This work helped them forge a deeper bond that in turn led to an improved sexual connection. It just took some digging to ferret out the conflict's source.

Conflict is layered. The first layer is what we observe on the surface. There are often several other layers of emotion, related to our past experiences and ultimately how we feel about ourselves. Conflict taps into our entire personality and stimulates all our defenses. On the positive side, conflict also presents a unique opportunity to both learn about ourselves and, if the conflict is resolved properly, create a deeper intimate connection.

Resolving conflicts is a true art form and takes patience, tolerance and caring to pull off. If we listen, acknowledge our partner and validate their truth whether we agree with it or not it creates love. If we think of love as a creation then every conflict contains the opportunity to bring love to the surface. We can either bring out the good in one another or force a standoff that can last a lifetime. It's our choice. The human spirit responds to compassion, understanding, respect and empathy, and the result is the thing we call love.

Pissed Off? Try This Great Trick for Diffusing Anger

Do you explode easily or take things personally? Whether you've got a brief bout of road rage or an irritating long-term grudge, use this "framing" technique to manage it in a sane way.

Imagine that you are driving along in traffic on the way to a meeting. Suddenly, a little red sports car pops right in front of you and you have to hit the brakes to keep from hitting it. The red car slows down a couple of times, looking for a turn, but remains in front of you. Then it slows down as you approach a traffic light, and takes just enough time passing under it to make you miss the light.

How would you react? You may be irritated at the beginning, and then become more and more angry. If incensed enough, you may even run the red light to catch up with this automotive persecutor and shake your fist at him!

The irritation you feel is normal, but whatever anger you feel is yours, not that of the driver of the other car. You may shout, "That guy made me mad!" In reality, no one can make you do anything. Emotions rise from within. His actions may have triggered anger within you, but it is your anger, not his, and you have a choice of whether or not to let your anger take over. Rather than becoming angry enough to do something dumb, it is possible for you to tell yourself, "That driver is a jerk! But he's not going to ruin my day. I will not give him that power. Nor will I break a law and endanger my life on account of uncontrolled emotions."

Framing is the way you view or understand something, and it is amazing how different framing produces different results. In an interesting psychological experiment done in Germany, researchers offered two sets of subjects the approximate equivalent of one hundred dollars. They asked each group to gamble the money, but the framing was different for each group. To the first group the directions were, "If you choose not to gamble the money, you automatically lose 60 percent of the money."

Nearly all of them gambled. To the second group the directions were, "If you choose not to gamble the money, you may keep 40 percent anyway." Hardly any of them gambled. The fascinating fact here is that each group was offered the exact same deal, but the first group focused on what they would lose, while the second group focused on what they would gain. Same truth, same fact, but different framing.

Now apply that to what makes you angry. The driver of the red sports car was obviously wrong, but it is all in how you choose to frame it that will determine how you will react to it. If you see it as personal-"He did that to me!-then you are likely to get angry. If you view it as impersonal-"He's an idiot who's going to have an accident or get a ticket"-you can go on about your business and not even think about him again.

Rather than thinking about how hurt you are by the actions of others, frame it in a way that gives you the ability to either control your anger or not get angry at all. Sometimes that means seeing it from the other person's perspective. "I can see why she said that; it wasn't to hurt me but because she is frustrated and isn't handling it well." Sometimes it is dismissing it as a personal attack on you and seeing it as a problem the other person has. Whatever the framing, you can decide to see things in such a way that either prevents or reduces your anger because it takes your focus from your personal pain to a broader objectivity.

Sometimes we have that moment of decision-will we give in to anger or not? Do not see anger as something over which you have no control. You will be amazed about how good it feels to let that burden slip off your shoulders. The truth about anger and bitterness is that we are the victims. It is also true that the reason we need to forgive people is not because they deserve it (they actually may not); it is because it is healthier for us not to have that emotional cancer eating away at our insides.

Somewhere inside you lies an "anger bank." It is like a big room in your memory that is filled with files-grievances and hurts. Some of us keep very detailed files, and that anger bank requires more and more of our emotional energy to maintain. But why? What good are all those records of wrongs? Keeping that bank active keeps you on the edge of anger, because it keeps you in touch with your pain in an unhealthy way. Remember that you are the leading manufacturer of your own pain, and the sole distributor of your anger. You are the one who decides whether to let something or someone get you down.

Fears Your Husband Won’t Share with You

 

From friends' secrets to details on workplace drama, you may feel like your husband tells you everything, but there's at least one topic he probably doesn't broach with you: his fears. "As problem solvers, men look for the fastest, most effective way to work through an issue, and many think the best approach is to do it alone," says relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women... is Men. Here, experts explain what fears men keep quiet about and how to get your husband to open up.

1. "I don't make enough money."
"Men have so much ego attached to being a good provider," says licensed clinical psychologist Adam Sheck, PhD, author of 101 Ways to Bring Back the Passion. So if your husband feels his monetary value doesn't measure up, he may not discuss his bruised psyche with you.

*Samantha of Houston, TX, had a feeling money was holding back her husband from taking a new job he wanted. "After their offer wasn't what he expected, I could sense he was starting to worry," she says. "He was probably thinking about our family, trying to save money and pay all of our bills."

What can you do if you're in Samantha's shoes-or think your hubby's concerned he's not earning his keep? "Pay all the bills together, regardless of who makes what paycheck," suggests Orlando. "A joint effort means you both address success and challenges." One more idea: Whether his title is CEO or science teacher, "let him know you're proud of him," says Orlando. "It's a small thing, but it means a lot."
2. "I haven't accomplished enough in my life."
"Men look back often and wonder, 'What's my legacy? Is the grass greener somewhere else?'" explains Orlando. So if your husband suddenly wants to quit his day job to become a pro golfer, it may be because he feels he isn't living life to the fullest and time is running out-though he probably won't admit this to you.

Odds are you don't want him to hit the links instead of heading to work, but be supportive when you address his hankering. "Come to him with actionable ideas instead of an emotional plea," says licensed marriage therapist Carin Goldstein, creator of BetheSmartWife.com. Men respond better if you nudge them toward reasonable goals instead of complaining about a midlife crisis, she adds. So ask him what his short and long-term aspirations are, suggests Orlando. "What does he want for himself, and what does he need from you to make it happen?" Then, work on a timeline to achieve it-together.
3. "I'm about to lose my job."
If he's seeing his co-workers getting axed, he may secretly fear his position is in jeopardy. "Subtle, low-grade depression is typical for a lot of men with this fear," says Goldstein. "They get irritable or apathetic."

*Katie from Austin, TX, helped her man through a difficult period at his workplace. "A lot went down at once, and it was breaking his spirit." Once he filled her in a little, she came to his rescue. "He said he never wanted me to worry about his problems, but I reassured him that his problems are my problems." Stressing that you two are a team reminds him of his safety net at home when he feels vulnerable at work.
4. "I'm getting old."
"Thanks to societal pressure and self-evaluation, men worry about their age and attractiveness," says Orlando. Even if you don't see the physical changes, you may notice an attitude shift in your husband. Look for "anger, withdrawal and road rage," says psychotherapist and intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapini. "He won't use words. The more he's afraid, the more he'll withdraw."

Don't let him become that grumpy old man. Remind him he's plenty young and getting better with age. "Just as you do, he wants to know you still find him attractive. So tell him and show him," advises Orlando. Also, make sure he doesn't stop living. "Keep your marital bond strong and do more things you don't normally do," like new activities and sex positions, suggests Goldstein.

  5. "I have a health problem."  

Studies  have shown that men put off visiting the doctor. Your husband may not want to worry you or deal with the "what ifs" of a potential illness. "Or it's pure procrastination or the fear of invasive tests," says Orlando.
If you're concerned about that persistent pain in his side, tug on his heartstrings. "Remind him that if he wants to see his grandkids graduate, he needs to get yearly checkups," says Orlando. "Then, make it something you do together." Every year, if need be.
6. "If something happened to me, my family wouldn't have enough."
It's that protector instinct: He needs to watch out for his brood. But making preparations may be difficult for him because of the emotions associated with it.

Try asking this: What would be the plan if something happened to either one of you? Help him verbalize if he's struggling. "Labeling the feeling-frustrated, not feeling valued, whatever it is-opens it up for guys," says Rapini, who suggests you frame future provisions as something to act on. Whether it's making a will or setting aside money, "explain it in a way so he feels he can fix it" to up the odds of putting a plan in place, says Rapini.

 7. "My wife isn't sexually satisfied."

If you're not clearly loving making love, your husband may fear he doesn't meet your expectations. "Men want to feed their wives sexually," says Rapini. "If a woman has a sexual hang-up, men often think it's their fault, even when it's not."

Orlando recommends using positive reinforcement to get what you want in bed. "Your husband wants to know that he's 'doing his job,' but he doesn't want to know if he's not," he says. So if you're satisfied? Speak up! "But if he's not doing it for you, focus the conversation on what you like. The more fun and 'no biggie' you make things, the less likely his ego will take a hit."

8. "I'm not a good dad."

Your young son would rather go shopping with Mom than watch the game with Dad. Typical for little kids, but your husband may think he's to blame. "There are moments when they're like, 'What am I? Chopped liver?' It's an ego thing," says Goldstein.

All you have to do is tell him what a great father he is. "Appreciation is so important," says Goldstein. "Women forget to show that." Say, "You were a big help on Matt's science-fair project. He loved showing it off at school." It'll give him that boost he needs.

9. "I'm afraid to die."

Your husband may not be worried about death itself, but rather the dying process and its impact on you-which is why he may not bring it up. "Men want to be remembered as strong, vital and powerful," says Dr. Sheck. "So having that fall away in the dying process is a challenge."

Make things non-threatening for him; share your fear first. Admit you worry about death sometimes-and ask if he does. Then, while talking, weave in how much he means to you and others. "Mention what he created and contributed that will live on beyond him," recommends Dr. Sheck. If you assure him he's made an impact-on you, on your kids, on whatever he's passionate about-he's more likely to feel better.

Things men find unattractive about women

 Unattractive female habits
Too much makeup, talking about bodily functions, and belittling the opposite sex are just a few of the female habits that men find unattractive about women. We know that not all women are like this, but when we meet them, boy do we know about it. Here are some things men find unattractive in a woman:

 Unattractive female habit 1: Being too drunk

We all love a girl who knows how to have a good time but when she’s had such a good time that she’s slumped over a bar with her knickers tucked into her skirt and toilet paper trailing from her shoe, it’s not attractive and it doesn’t make us want to walk over and kiss you in a “hands off folks – she’s mine” kind of manner. You ladies also have the tendency to speak so loud that you drown the music out in a loud bar when you’re drunk. There’s nothing wrong with getting merry, but when everyone starts looking at us because we’re with “that drunk woman” who is putting her skirt over her head and laughing hysterically, it’s embarrassing.

 Unattractive female habit 2: Talking about bodily functions

Yes, we know we agreed not to keep secrets from each other but can we skip that rule on this occasion? The day we realised that women do ‘number twos’ was the day  our world came crashing down, bringing all our sexual fantasies down with it. When you’re spending a long time in the bathroom, we like to think that it’s because you’re refreshing your makeup and hair. We could possibly – emphasis on the word “possibly” – stretch our imagination to think that you may be going for a tinkle, but we’d rather not. Please don’t talk about any of your bodily functions; leave topics about “the time of the month” and your bowel movements for your girl friends.

Unattractive female habit 3: Excessive body hair

We associate body hair with testosterone and testicles so seeing it in excessive amounts on a woman can be quite a turn off.  We know it’s painful to go through the rigmarole of waxing, plucking, epilating, and whatever other fancy hair removal systems you use (notice how we know all about this stuff because it’s one of those things you nag about?) but at least keep it trimmed so it looks presentable.

Unattractive female habit 4: Too much makeup

It’s great to take pride in your appearance and that goes for clothes, hair, and makeup too. If this is a first date, wearing minimal makeup to enhance your looks is sexier than the overdone look, in our opinion. If we’ve been together for a while, we love you no matter how much makeup you wear, but we’d prefer it if you kept it to a minimum. Purple, pink and green eye shadow with red lips? Someone pass my sunglasses. We go in for a kiss and end up looking like a clown from the circus and it isn’t a good look for either of us. Ladies, if you insist on wearing that much makeup, please refrain from snuggling up on our shoulders – that’s my favourite white shirt you just stained with your makeup.

Unattractive female habit 5: Belittling us

We can just about cope with being called “snuggle bunny” and “baby boy” but when you belittle us to the point that we look stupid in front of other people, that’s one step too far. Don’t correct everything we do and say as if we don’t know anything. Just because we do things differently to you, that doesn’t mean that your way is right.

 Unattractive female habit 6: Swearing

We can forgive you the odd cheeky swear word, but when you’re effing and jeffing like there’s no tomorrow it can be a real turn-off for some men. We like our ladies with a touch of class and cramming your vocabulary with swear words doesn’t quite ooze sophistication. What’s wrong with using normal words to express your feelings? Dictionaries and thesauruses are brimming with options – take your pick. We’re not suggesting that you express your feelings using sentences such as “I am feeling ever so disenchanted” or “I’m awfully embittered by this” but saying something along the lines of “I am flipping angry” or “this is blimming frustrating” are much nicer replacements for sentences packed with foul words.

Unattractive female habit 7: Nagging

We’ve spent long enough silently moaning to ourselves about how annoying women are when they nag, that we’re taking this opportunity to get it off our chests once and for all. We can’t usually raise it in conversation you see, because no matter how delicately we approach the idea that you might possibly annoy us when you nag, we will be sentencing ourselves to even more endless nagging about pointing out that your nagging is getting too much. You nag at us for leaving the toilet seat up, you nag at us for “not caring”, you nag at us for not shaving for a few days... sheesh. Would you prefer us to go to the toilet sitting down? Would you prefer us to be over emotional? And perfectly groomed? Then you’d nag at us for not being manly enough. Three words: we can’t win.  Don’t mess with how nature intended men to be, and we won’t mess with how nature intended you to be. If you can’t handle that, then maybe you should be dating women. Sorted. 

Tips for Building Your Relationship After "The Honeymoon"

When it comes to romance, the most thrilling and exciting aspect of a blossoming love affair is the "new" part. You know, that six to nine month period when we feel like we're on top of the world because we're falling in love. It's one of the few times in our lives that we're happily obsessed. Scientists have said that being in love is not so different from the perennial high a drug addict seeks.

It's such an amazing, incredible feeling. Being with this new person makes you feel invincible. And the sex? WOW! You KNOW that there's not a couple in the world enjoying the mind-blowing connection that you and your partner are experiencing.

But the reality is that, like a drug addict, you can only function under the influence for so long. The fact is that you can't go about your daily tasks if all you do is think about this new love - this drug. You can't keep sneaking away from work and ignoring the world around you forever… as much as you may want and as exciting as this happens to be, eventually you've got to come down from the high for your own sakes.

"But Marcus, that's so unromantic," you say. No argument from me there. But life isn't a romantic comedy. At some point it gets real. You notice flaws. You actually register your dissatisfaction with certain things, whereas initially you ignored them to keep the peace. You even argue. It happens. But the end of the honeymoon doesn't need to signal the end of the love and romance. It does signal the beginning of the relationship's heavy-lifting phase and I've got a few tips to help you through this period when your relationship can go either way .

1. Date Night - It's a bit cliché,' but date nights really work. They're excellent at keeping you connected. They force you to stay in touch mentally, emotionally and physically. In long-term relationships, particularly ones where there are kids involved, date nights are vital.

2. Make Out - Ugh, I feel so high school saying that. But some good, passionate kissing now and then gets those feelings of romance and intimacy fired up pretty easily. I'm not saying you have to have three-hour make out sessions (unless you want to). But the act of kissing has a real, biological effect on you and your partner. Scientists theorize that biologically, people kiss in order to smell our partners' pheromones. You know, those sexy little chemicals that keep us to feeling all randy? Yeah. Smooch away baby. 3. Laugh - Do not lose the laughter. Period. Humor and laughter have immense healing powers. Other than sex and kissing, there's nothing that connects us more than a hearty shared laugh. So get your jokes on!

4. Affirmation - It's easy to get caught up in routine. Especially after the honeymoon phase. But little acts of affirmation go a long way. Say, "I love you" for no reason other than you happen to be thinking it. When your partner is in one room watching TV and you're in another room reading. Get up and walk into that room and say, "I was just thinking..you're SO freakin' hot!" and then walk right back out and go back to your reading. Little things mean a lot.

5. Pick Your Battles - This one's important. You're not going to love everything about your partner. You're not going to agree on everything... nor should you, right? Keep focused on the truly meaningful issues. Not having enough sex? That's a problem. Him choosing to watch the game BEFORE sex? That's annoying. But is it really a problem? Keep this in mind, whenever you start off a conversation with, "Hey this isn't a big deal..." you've just made it a big deal.

Do Men Know when They Are in Love?

 Single Straight Guy: Not always. I think we spend a lot of time debating and turning this question over and over in our own heads as soon as we're in a serious relationship (or even the first couple of weeks with a really exciting new partner). In some cases we may not recognize it until it's too late. Other times we jump to conclusions and let out those three words when we shouldn't. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to us is having friends and family give us that little push and point out that we are, in fact, in love.

Married Straight Guy: Yes. No! Why is she here all the time? I think guys know when they're in love, but they're instantly terrified by the implications. At the moment our hearts start soaring, we're dragged down by fears of commitment, settling down, and worse. Emotions of any sort can be scary (Why is that baby seal so cute to me? Club it!), but love is the worst. Confronting love is an internal battle that has to play out before a guy can proceed to actually being in love.

Committed Gay Guy: You betcha we know. It's usually about two months behind schedule. A man's realization is often triggered by his lover's threat to bail if he doesn't get with the program. But once he does, it's on.

Need Love Advice? Get My Love Rx!

 

 Feeling Lovesick? Here's the cure your most pressing romantic problems...

SR...what's the secret to getting men to ask me out? I haven't been asked out on a date in over 9 months!! I don't get it. I'm 34, most people would consider me 'hot', (I've been told that I look a little like Eva Mendez) but I won't hit on men, it just seems so desperate. But I try to look cute, and go out every weekend with my girlfriends, but no dice! What am I doing wrong??
Marta in Manhattan 

Sadly, unless you get some flirt moves under your garter belt, you'll probably keep on doing just that...

Waiting.

Fortunately, there's a very easy remedy for what ails you...just go to the mirror and ask yourself the following question. "Is there any reason that men can tell, just by looking at you, that you're actually single?"

In truth, the answer for most of you is "Absolutely not!"

Man Fact: Single men often have NO CLUE that most single woman are actually...well, SINGLE, unless you let them KNOW that you are. In truth, men often have PTSD from getting shot down by scores of hot women, so they've wisely learned to minimize their odds of failure by looking for clues from you that it's okay to make a flirtatious approach. And if you don't, they'll just assume that you're hot, but are currently dating some Jon Hamm look-alike. NEXT.

Disclaimer: There are a slim percentage of Uber confident males who'll bust right through the 4th wall and hit on women in elevators, dog parks, and even funerals, (seriously, this really happened to me) but these equal opportunity Lothario's and their Peacock displays are directed at anyone in possession of XX chromosomes, and yes, even grandmothers.

SO REMEMBER: Most nice guys look for subtle cues from you before they'd decide to invade your personal space, by saying, "Hey gorgeous!" while you're zipping into your dry cleaners.

So, Miss Marta, what's a girl like you to do?
Your Love Rx: Toss 'em a Crumb! You can trade in your chastity belt for a garter belt and date as much as you want to, whenever you want to. You just need to learn how to do one simple thing....
To up your odds by romantic success by 100%, just use the simple phrase... "Nice tie!"
This manhandling maneuver can be performed by the single woman, anytime, anyplace, and is guaranteed to transform you into the man magnet that you were always intended to be!
The very next time that a handsome man crosses your path, (and isn't banded!) simply compliment something that he's either wearing or doing.
Man Fact: All men love to be admired. They are totally motivated by it, will go to war for it, and build skyscrapers for it, so all you have to do is use this male character trait to your romantic advantage.
Casting a small crumb of approval his way will have an amazing "open sesame" effect on any man. He'll happily chirp away with any girl smart enough to notice his fine feathers...and his waterproof sports watch.
Man Fact: Men are externally referenced. They cuddle up with magazines about breasts, cars and guns. Conversing with about any gizmo or inanimate object is always the best way to draw them out.
WARNING: Never compliment a man on his physique! This will only serve to embarrass him or confuse him about what your intentions are. Unless he's 22. Then you might need to spell it out for him.

The secret to successfully breaking the ice is making sure that you're your compliment is always once removed. (exceptions: tattoos, and huge biceps. They fall under the purview of man jewelry, too). In other words, don't compliment anything he didn't have to work for, like his beautiful baby blues.

True story: I once said "Nice Tie" to a gorgeous man on the red carpet of a film premiere. He removed the article and proudly handed it to me, to the amazement of his little entourage (We had a fun date one rainy evening...but I'll tell you that story later! )

Manhandling Maneuver: Let men know you're interested by tossing them a compliment, and they'll fly to you like falcons.

50 Years After Her Death: 10 Things We Learned About Love from Marilyn Monroe

With her whisper thin voice, neck-breaking curves and platinum locks, Marilyn Monroe took over the silver screen and broke the hearts of every man who laid eyes on her when she astonished the 1950′s movie industry with her beauty and charm. While her entire life was under the microscope of the Hollywood spotlight, her dating career was always hush-hush. Though, never one to to shy away from making waves in the movie biz, Ms. Monroe, who was found dead in her home 50 years ago on August 5th at the age of 36, always had something to say when it came to love. From learning to love yourself, to finding balance between a career and a relationship, this voluptuous vixen has had many words of advice that have stood the test of time and continue to resonate in modern day.

 

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone." 

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." 

 "A career is wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night." 

"It's woman's spirit and mood a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your head or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space." 

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." 

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 

"Love and work are the only two real things in our lives. They belong together, otherwise it is off. Work is in itself a form of love."

The Biggest Regrets Divorced People Have About Their Failed Marriages

 University of Michigan psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch collected data from 373 couples (46 percent of whom later got divorced) during their first year of marriage. As reported in The Wall Street Journal, she found that most divorced people shared the same five regrets about their marriages. Here is the advice she gathered, based on the post-divorce experience of 210 of the subjects, of whom 44 percent remarried.

1. Show your partner you love and care for them in any way you can. Small gestures like complimenting your partner, saying "I love you" or holding hands go a long way. The most important ways to display affection are showing love, showing support, making your partner feel good about themselves and keeping things interesting in the relationship.

2. Money matters, discuss it. Money is the number-one source of conflict in most marriages. "Talk money more often-not just when it's tax time, when you have high debt, when bills come along," Dr. Orbuch says.

3. Leave the past behind you. Dr. Orbuch believes that to engage in a healthy way with your partner, you need to let go of the past. "This includes getting over jealousy of your partner's past relationships, irritation at how your mother-in-law treats you, something from your own childhood that makes it hard for you to trust, a spat you had with your spouse six months ago," according to the article. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, talk to a friend or seek out a professional.

4. Don't play the blame game. Ask your partner for their view of a problem. "There are multiple ways of seeing a problem," says Dr. Orbuch. "By getting your partner's perspective, and marrying it with your perspective, you get the relationship perspective."

5. Communication is key. Forty-one percent of respondents cited communication as the number-one factor they would change in their next relationship. Dr. Orbuch believes in practicing "active listening:" "where they try to hear what the other person is saying, repeating back what they just heard and asking if they understood correctly." She also says partners need to reveal more about themselves in order to maintain communication.

What is a Real Man Anyway?: Signs You’re Dating One!

 A real man doesn’t lie. A real man doesn’t cheat. A real man knows what he wants and goes after it. A real man will kiss my feet and the ground I walk on…

Guys, ever heard of this? Ladies, ever said or believed this? While women often feel objectified and only valued by outer appearances, it seems we ladies are just as guilty as over-romanticizing an ideal man. It leaves us disappointed and leaves the good men, yes there are real good men, at bay. So if you find a man with all the qualities you’ve ever wanted him in a man, to avoid a rude awakening, expect him to do the following.

A real man…

Gets annoyed. Especially when you want his attention during that football game or when he is playing video games. Come on ladies, you know his video gaming time is precious and you knew all week about that game. That is not the moment to test his devotion to you, in fact, you’re likely to lose his attention to that game, his boys or the video game. If it’s not your thing to sit and watch or play with him, let him have it. He’ll thank you later.

 Can’t read your mind. Perhaps superman can try, but if you’re angry and not willing to talk about it, odds are it’ll fly over your man’s head. And if it doesn’t, well, he might shy away from asking you about it. So speak up at the right time. Emotions can be scary but a real man can also face them.

 Can change. We focus sometimes on what a real man is not. But people live, learn and grow. That “boy” you despised in grade school could be a real man now. Real men are just that, real, which means they have their issues, some baggage and have made mistakes. You know you’ve met a good man when he’s come out of some hard times successfully.

 Fights back. When you’re wrong you’re wrong and if you’re dead wrong, don’t expect your guy to just let things slide. Don’t be so surprised if your guy pushes your buttons when you’re pushing his. And if he’s man enough to tell you the hard truth, listen. Tough love is still good love.

 Works hard. Real men are ambitious and goal oriented. No matter class, ethnicity or opposition, you can count on a real man to get things done or die trying. The fight in a man makes him moreso than the money in his pocket.

Throw away your fairytale ideas of a man because a real real man is probably worth your time and will make for a more fulfilling relationship.