Creative Questions to Ask a Date

Are you ever at a loss for words on a first date with a virtual stranger? You're not alone!

Unless you're endowed with the gift of gab, you and your date might end up in a staring contest, while you listen to the crickets in the background. Okay, it might not be that bad for you. But trust me, it's not always easy to be clever when you're nervous.

I'd like to help you out before that next big dinner or coffee by offering with some creative first date questions you can use if you need to stir up conversation. Use one or two on your date, and the conversation should begin to flow.

You can also use one of these questions in your online email correspondence. Asking a question in an email will increase your chance of hearing back from someone you have your eye on!

. What's a secret skill that you have?

2. What was your favorite childhood toy?

3. What's the best present you ever gave someone?

4. What's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in elementary school?

5. If your house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab to save?

6. What's your dream travel destination?

7. When you were little, what did you dream of being when you grew up?

8. What's one of your favorite books/movies? Why?

 9. What was your worst job?

10. What's the best advice anyone ever gave you?

11. Growing up, what was your favorite board game?

12. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

13. What was your best birthday ever?

14. What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

15. What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you?

What You Can Still Learn from "The Rules"

Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein dominated the self-help and dating markets with their popular book, "The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" in 1999. Seventeen years ago, their advice was read and internalized by thousands of women. But how much of their romantic instruction is still valid today? Let's go through a few of their rules to see how they've stood the test of time.

Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
In short, this rule was about being yourself and not attempting to copy those around you. Women were advised to focus on what they had to offer that was special and unique, and not to try to imitate those around them. This advice still holds true in today's dating world as men want to date a real woman, not an idealized fantasy. Don't worry about being super skinny, cooking the perfect meal or being supermom. Just focus on being you, and let that be enough. 

Show Up at Parties and Events Even if You Don't Feel Like It
Before online dating revolutionized the dating process, it was absolutely necessary to make the time to leave the house and meet people on a regular basis if you were attempting to find Mr. Right. Sometimes, this meant putting on your game face and venturing out for drinks, even if you weren't feeling very social.

While today you can interact solely from the comfort of your couch via your tablet, it's still a wise idea to spend some time getting dressed up, going out and socializing. Whether you're looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, your social life and your mental health will both get a boost out of making time for regular fun.

In an Office Romance, Do Not Email Him Every Time He Emails You Unless It's Business Related
We'd like to heartily advise against emailing him AT ALL from work unless it's business related. In today's job market, with so many at-will employment states, it's best to keep your business and personal life as far apart as possible. If you're dating someone at the office, keep in mind that many employers have fraternization policies, and still more keep careful tabs on every email their employees send. Stick to a personal email or text instead. It's much safer.  

It's a Fantasy Relationship Unless a Man Asks You Out
When it was written, this rule was to remind women that fantasizing about the man of their dreams did them no good, and that it was silly to waste this time unless the man had actually asked them out. We're moving into 2013 now, however, and this rule seems pretty archaic. If you're interested in a man, it's perfectly acceptable to ask him out for a drink or a meal. Don't spend your time waiting around for him to ask you, when you could be making the first move! 

Close the Deal
This is another rule that's outlived its usefulness, stating that if he hasn't proposed by the time the relationship hits the two year mark, he's not going to and you should move on. Statistically, however, more and more couples are opting for long term partnership and cohabitation instead of marriage. For some women, marriage may still be the goal, but for others who have lived with their partner for many years, a two year cutoff seems rather silly.

While "The Rules" was an excellent self help book when it came out in the late '90s, only some parts of this book have stood the test of time. Women looking for more modern relationship advice, who are in a nontraditional relationship or who don't have marriage as a goal would be wise to seek help elsewhere.

Reasons Why We're All Bridget Jones

By YourTango.com

Tarts and vicars, anyone?

Attention, Bridget Jones fans: We are v. excited that a new installment of our favorite awkward heroine is in the works! Helen Fielding has written another chapter in the life of the quirky Brit, and the book is scheduled for an autumn 2013 release. 

 For the uninitiated, Bridget Jones Diary - the tale of a desperate yet endearing everywoman and her clumsy and often hilarious pursuit of true love (or at least a good date) - debuted in 1996 and quickly became and international bestseller and cultural phenom. Two movies followed, with Renee Zellweger as our quirky protagonist, and single 30-something women everywhere found a fumbling heroine they could finally relate too. It was in Bridget's constantly adorable flaws - namely her fixation on her body image, awkward approach to dating and penchant for wallowing in her misery (who can forget her onscreen rendition of 'All By Myself'?) that we wach saw a bit of ourselves. We are all Bridget Jones to some degree - whether that makes us uncomfortable or not. Here are a few examples:

1. We go for the sexy d-bag. It's hard to not want to be with the hottest guy around. And when our crush actually shows an interest, the temptation to follow through can be irresistible - despite the guy's less questionable reputation and aloof behavior. Bridget's obsession with Daniel Cleaver (played by Hugh Grant in the film) is perfect example of our tendency to torture ourselves with Mr. Wrong.

2. We fall down. Both literally and metaphorically, we all fall from grace. Whether it's the result of a bottle of vodka or a heartbreak that is so devastating that our knees give out - or, in Bridget's case, a very unfortunate bunny costume misunderstanding - we've all found ourselves on the ground staring at the ceiling.

3. We're dumb when it comes to love. Seriously. Who hasn't had love stare them in the face and fail to realize it until it was too late? Sometimes it's just not easy to pick up on even obvious hints - like the fact that Mark Darcy was in love with Bridget the whole time. Then again, real-life Mark Darcys don't always look like a young Colin Firth. 

4. We tend to think that nice guys are boring. Who knows where it started, but women just love the bad boys. we all want the man who is challenging and infuriating at first; the one who probably sees us as nothing special at the beginning but yet we seem to win over right before the closing credits. Isn't that the dream after all? To be loved for even your craziness? In the words of Mark Darcy, "I like you just as you are." It's only after years of heartbreak that we finally understand that the "nice" guys aren't so boring after all. They actually give a damn, unlike the bad eggs.

5. We obsess about our weight. It's a painful truth, but many of us fixate on having a perfect (read: thin) body, often to our own pain and detriment. Bridget Jones would freak out if her weight surpassed 130 pounds - a perfectly non-fat size 6, in most cases.

6. We make scenes. Okay, so maybe most of us don't stage the epic scenes that Bridget Jones is famous for, but maybe that's just because we've learned from her mistakes because we've seen the movie too many times. Or because we're not fictional characters. Either way, we're all a little guilty of making the occasional dramatic outburst that we regret in the morning.

Communication is Hard...But Why?

 Why is communication so hard? 

How's this for a "duh" statement:

Communication in relationships, any relationship, is paramount.

What grown-ass person doesn't know that, right? It's the over sung mantra of every two-bit relationship coach and amateur therapist on this big blue marble. It's also an insanely shallow bit of advice for disconnected couples everywhere.

Sure, we want lovers of all stripes to talk to one another. And to be fair, just getting anyone, but guys in particular, to open up and address issues whether subtle or overt, can be quite a chore. But the coaching generally ends there. Which leaves us with two people talking at each other.

It's simply not enough to just talk. As a matter of fact, where people need to turn their focus is on mastering the skill of messaging. This is the true key to effective communication. And mastering this skill will not only improve your give and take in romantic relationships, it will also enhance the efficacy of all your interpersonal communication.

You hear people in many a conflict say, "What I'm hearing you say is…." That's all about messaging. By using this very simple phrase, you give the other person the opportunity to certify their message and validate their feelings. It's a great tool. 

But what happens frequently is the other person will respond, "No, that's NOT what I'm saying!" And then you'll spend the next 3 hours arguing about the way you communicate; you said this, he said that, he offended you when he said this, you offended him when you said that…a litany of tangential arguments ensues and the ultimate outcome is two people rubbed emotionally raw and nothing resolved.

Now, nothing I say here is going to solve everyone's communication issues and I won't even pretend to be an expert on the matter, but I will offer a few tips that have helped me be a more effective "messager" and more receptive to your partner's messages.

 

REMIND YOURSELF THAT THAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON

Never will be. So there will be many occasions, especially in a new relationship, where misunderstandings and misinterpretations will occur. Before leaping to the most negative conclusion and launching into an argument, assume that your partner isn't trying to upset you and ask for confirmation or denial of whatever conclusion you've drawn. The best arguments are the ones you never have.

SHOW SOME EMPATHY

Put yourself in your partner's shoes. By understanding their background (and baggage)you develop a sense of why they feel the way they feel. This understanding opens up the opportunity to validate your partner's feelings by saying, "I understand why you feel that way. I understand why that would hurt or upset you, and I apologize." Sometimes, oftentimes, our partners just want to be heard and/or understood. I think this is one of guys' most common communication mistakes. Women want acknowledgement, guys want to prove their point - which makes men oblivious to the obvious - ladies want that emotional validation. 

MOVE ON. TOGETHER

Once you reach a point where there's understanding, true understanding of one another's message, you have the liberty to simply disagree and move forward. "Honey, I understand. We just don't agree."

And partners must be willing to accept that they will not always agree. And this should NOT be taken as a personal affront. Sometimes folks simply disagree. And if you truly understand your partner, you understand why they see the world the way they see it and you understand how that world view informs their perspectives and opinions and feelings.

It all comes back to effectively conveying your message though. This must be the focus of your communication.

Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce

Divorce is a big deal. Don't do it before considering the answers to these questions.

 Whether it's Katie Holmes, Danny DeVito or Amy Poehler, celebrity divorces and breakups continue to make front-page news. Unfortunately, the average couple doesn't fare much better: approximately every other relationship is now bound for a breakup. 

As a therapist, I'm not one to recommend staying in hurtful relationships, let alone abusive ones, but I do believe that women contemplating divorce will benefit from looking at the issue carefully from all sides. Here's my list of top four questions to consider before filing for divorce:

1. What will I lose? Divorce means big change. It's a big deal; income, health insurance, homes - spouses come with a whole slew of things.

Can I make it on my own? Am I willing to make the sacrifices? Which friends will I likely not see again? Would I have sufficient social contacts or would I have to start over from scratch?

These may not be the deciding factors for you, but do take the time to carefully consider all the consequences of making this significant change. Even if these are not on the forefront of your concerns, you will need a plan to replace the things you're giving up along with your partner.

2. Will I be happier? You're probably really miserable right now, but keep in mind that divorce is very stressful, so it's certainly not a fast way to improve how you feel. Many divorced women are surprised that their unhappiness did not vanish after they broke up with their partner. Emma Thompson, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman are some recent examples among the many celebrities on record admitting they suffered from depression post-divorce. So take an honest look at yourself.

What thoughts and feelings come up as I imagine getting divorced? Do I predict emotional difficulties or mood changes in myself? Is the problem at least partially with me and will I simply take my unhappiness with me?

Having good resources such as friends, family, support groups or psychotherapy are crucial at this juncture in your life, both in figuring out what is best and to deal with the aftermath. 

3. How would a divorce affect my child(ren)? This is a really big one. Common sense says that a high-conflict marriage is worse than an amicable divorce but the latter seems to be the exception, especially when custody arrangements keep you locked in constant conflict with your ex.

A recent publication by Drs. Friedman and Martin, based on an eight-decade longevity study, fuels fears of the devastating impact of divorce on children. In my experience as a clinician, what's most damaging to children is a high level of conflict, so whether you divorce or not, if you have children, the two of you will have to figure out your communication. If divorce is inevitable, consider collaborative divorce mediators and co-parenting counseling to keep the conflict level to a minimum.

4. Have I done what I can? The desire to break up usually stems from not wanting to accept how things are going now. There is nothing wrong with that! Unhappiness can be a valuable indicator that something is wrong and must change. But what if you could learn how to express what's unacceptable for you in an effective manner and actually be heard by your spouse?

In many cases, there will still be time to divorce at a later date but there may not always be time to save your marriage. Make sure you've tried what's possible with your marriage before you call it quits. The issue right now isn't whether you're committed for life but whether you can commit to working hard for a while to try and see what can be saved.  

Once you have worked hard on changing yourself, you are in a much better position to declare your marriage hopeless when your spouse is not responsive. True, working things out is an uphill battle and you will likely need the help of a skilled professional, but since you are probably your own worst critic, unless you have tried an all-out effort to change things, you are much more likely to second guess yourself later and battle feelings of guilt.

No one takes divorce lightly and not every marriage can or should be saved. Everyone's circumstances are different and only you know your particular situation. The most important factor is to not make decisions in isolation but to get yourself the support you need and deserve.

The Benefits of Marrying Later in LifeThere are advantages to waiting out your twenties and thirties.

"Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is being the right person." -Unknown 

 I used to wonder if I would ever find true love. When I was in college, I thought I'd be married by the time I was 25. When 27 rolled around, I thought I would get married in my early 30s. Then I thought I'd be married by the time I was 35 years old. In hindsight, it's easy to see why it took so long for "the one" to find me and me to find "the one." I wasn't being the person I needed to be in order to have the love I desired.

I focused on my career for so long, assuming that my love life would fall into place. When I was in my late 30s, I began to understand that having a successful love life required conscious effort and focus. This was the beginning of many firsts: focusing more on my love life than my professional life, understanding the unhealthy relationship patterns I was repeating, learning to love myself and accepting my self-worth.

When I reflect back on my life, I realize I wasn't meant to take the traditional path. Mine was more of a winding path with many forks in the road. Although it hasn't been as direct as many other people's paths, it's been just as rewarding. 

I'm 46 and was married on June 8th, this past summer. One of the benefits of being an older bride is that with age comes a different perspective. I know if I had gotten married at a young age, I would have missed out on becoming my own person. Marrying at a later age has given me the benefit of knowing who I am and experiencing life as my own complete person.

If you've experienced many forks in the road, rest assured that these forks are for your greater good. Know that everything is working out in your best interest. Your difficult life and love lessons are opportunities to learn and grow from. Take the time to focus on your love life. Learn to love yourself and know your self-worth.

Keep walking your path and stay open to what the universe has in store for you. Remain hopeful - believe and know that you will have the love you desire. You'll find that love will be even better than you expected. 

A blessing or a curse: What is marriage really like?

I find it interesting that fairytales often end with weddings. The prince and princess have gone through hell and high water to be together, and the idea seems to be that marriage is the reward, the end of the journey. But what happens after they ride off into the sunset?

I'm not sure marriage is ever what anyone expects it to be when they make their vows. There have been days when I have felt quite disenchanted with the married life, as I face yet another pile of dishes that I don't seem to stand a hope of getting help with or find myself wishing my husband could read my mind. But yet, there have been other days when I have been absolutely floored by the unique strength of the relationship between a husband and a wife. I mean, think about it, two people pledging their lives to each other, promising never to leave the other's side. There is a lot of power in that promise.

When I asked married women of all ages from across the United States to describe what marriage is "really" like, it often came down to the attitude about that promise of partnership. Is it a burden and a chore, or does it present a daily opportunity to grow together, support one another, and build a life together? Maybe a little of both.

"On one hand, it's never being able to make any decisions without consulting someone else, getting cold because you husband stole the covers, and having your spouse drive you crazy with all their quirks. On the other hand, it's the joy of always having someone to talk things over with, having someone who is always there to give you a hug and kiss at the end of the day, and who loves you unconditionally. It's the most challenging, lovely thing I've ever experienced." - Sally C., Milan, Ohio

"In the end, marriage isn't just one thing, marriage is a moving entity that constantly changes and gives you new (or old) challenges to face. As long as you and your partner can face them together, then marriage works." - Lindsay W., Jacksonville, N.C.

"Real marriage is discussing who should make dinner. Real marriage is reminding your spouse to take out the trash and to empty the dishwasher. Real marriage is discussing bodily functions in too much detail. Real marriage is worrying about money and never seeming to have enough of it. But if it's a great marriage, you wouldn't trade it for anything in this world." - Rachel C., Columbus, Ohio

"An ever-evolving friendship. A fine balancing act. As one partner changes, the other must adjust and vice versa. It's like tuning a violin everyday." - Shelly O., Oklahoma City, Okla.

"Marriage is like an almost bad banana; it has both dark spots (the bad) and mushy spots (the good), and it's always worth the work it takes to turn it into something wonderful (thinking of chocolate-chip banana bread!)." - Lindsey R., New Orleans, La.

"Sometimes it is like living with a roommate, but with very occasional bonuses. On the plus side, that roommate is someone who knows you very well, who can anticipate your responses, and who needs very little explanation about your state of mind. I find that you ask your spouse if they love you very often, mostly because you need that extra assurance that although you are not madly in love with each other right now, you love and are loved by that one person more than anyone else in the world." - Stephanie R., Worthington, Ohio

"Marriage is hard work. Like anything worth having, you have to maintain it. Without taking time for each other, life can get in the way. Home, chores, work, kids, and pets all demand your time, and it's easy to let them take priority, but your marriage is the foundation for all those things." - Lindi A., Tuscon, Ariz.

"I've learned to love the small things in our relationship. I don't complain about not getting flowers or big romantic gestures, because when he makes my eggs the way I like them and in the shape of a happy face, I know how much I'm loved." - Casey R., Hilliard, Ohio

"Marriage is an act of completion. It really is joining forces with your other half. I know that we belong together, and without him, I would be incomplete. Marriage is knowing that even on your worst day, someone is loving the real you, flaws and all." - Jen G., Fort Thomas, Ky.

"Marriage can either be like having a horrible roommate that never helps with chores or bills and you can't stand coming home to, or it can be fantastic, a team of two people that are not only husband and wife but best friends and soul mates. Of course, if you want it to be the second one, it takes a lot of effort, love, determination, and communication. Thank God I at least learned that from going through my divorce!" - Karyn M., Albany, N.Y.