Be Good And Rest Shall Follow

Why aren't you religious? Why don't you visit the temples once a week at least? Why don't you fast on holy occasions? How can you seek God when you are so indifferent towards rituals? Why don't you pray every day? Are you an atheist by any chance?

Staying away from the conventional manifestations of worship is susceptible to over-critical queries often Connecting with divinity, the Larger Omnipotent. Being who looks after us, is supposed to have links with daily prayers, visits to the temples and other places of worship.

Rebels – or atheists – are those who break the rules which socio-cultural norms defined for us long ago. Deviation from the stereotyped path of religiosity is viewed as self-destructive rebellion. All this, when genuine goodness seems like a creature living in perennial hibernation. People go to the temples, pray and fast, act charitably by giving away what they can spare, before skeletons tumble out of closets, unveiling iniquitous dimensions of their spiritually scarred personalities. Many call themselves God-fearing, a clich� which somehow seems to suggest that God is someone one is afraid of.

Do we use the phrase with such casualness because, in the hearts of hearts, we know that we sin and we might need to pay for it with the wrath of divine punishment someday? Spiritual dilemmas are invariably complex. Answers aren't easy to find; while anything that appears to be a final explanation is subjective, and hence, debatable. Perhaps, it may not be incorrect to say – from this writer's perspective – that we need to be sensitive and kind as we journey through our daily lives. Everybody errs, sometime or the other.

But we must not do so intentionally Immoral temptations we must stay away from. While pursuing some personal goals, we must not deny others what they justifiably deserve. When night gives us a tight hug with its comforting arms and our eyelids get heavy with fatigue and sleep, it is good to take solace from the feeling that, in the hours preceding the incipience of darkness, we have tried not to do anything long. We may not have been to the temple that day. But it is easy to imagine a God with a benign smile from the distant heavens above us.

'New habits make new horizons. Silently and imperceptibly you are forming habits which will ultimately determine the degree of your happiness and success. Closely guard the quality of your thoughts, that they may lead to right habits and thence to right living. Recognize and use such supreme qualities as courage, faith, humility, loyalty, temperance, and integrity.'

Rest Your Inner Child

 

A deprived childhood prevents us from realising our potential .

Deep within us lurks an inner child, a part of our own self requiring urgent attention and healing. If we do not pay heed to this inner child, we might experience sadness and loneliness; it could be the proverbial trap that prevents us from realising our potential, and leading to anger and addictions. Many of us carry a wounded inner child within us possibly because we experienced a lack of love and acceptance in childhood. Or it could be that we were scared as children, and as a result, the programming of our subconscious mind became negative and we led insecure, unhappy lives later. These are people with blocks in their personality and they grow up feeling everything is wrong. Consciously, all of us yearn for a happy life with everything in abundance. But it is in our subconscious mind where the programming of our life is done.

Our life depends on this programming. Despite choosing love and harmony in life on a conscious level, the negative programming of the subconscious makes us unhappy.

Our Unconscious Mind

Generally inner children stem from the parenting we receive as children, but other influences also play a role. If our caregivers in childhood did not belong to a background of love, then obviously as parents or guardians, they could not pass it on to us. Love is the greatest force in the universe and if we miss this as a child, we might remain emotionally undernourished for the rest of our life. This unhealed part of us prevents us from leading a life of abundance. Carrying an unloved inner child within, we tend to heap guilt and self-blame on ourselves and do things for other’s approval and not for self-growth. As a child, if we miss love, we seek this in the outside world, through others. That is how charge of our life shifts to others and nothing seems to work.

Such people might have potential and creativity, but they cannot use it on a conscious level as a part of them is ‘screaming’ and requires attention. Pay conscious attention to this inner child and our life can change miraculously.

Basically inner children are born out of a conflict of the conscious and subconscious mind. Consciously, we want health, wealth and happiness, but the negative programming of our subconscious takes us at a tangent. The subconscious mind is unanalytical and doesn’t understand the consequences of carrying around an unprotected, scared and unloved inner child. However, the subconscious mind is more powerful than our conscious one, and this attracts us to circumstances, events and people who match its programming. On a conscious level, we are unaware of this and feel low, lonely and discontent. This creates voids and we live with a sense of emptiness and worthlessness, which we kill with addictions and excesses.

Love And Forgive All
We can sort out our lives by recognising our inner child and listening to it. All children deserve love and acceptance and if we somehow lacked this, we have to heal that part of us right now.

How can this be done? By changing the negative programming of our subconscious mind consciously. The programming of our subconscious is done through information received through our senses. If we start feeding positive affirmations with the intention of healing our inner child, our life will and can change. As you shift your focus to a life full of love, empathy and acceptance, you shift base, choosing love and that begins from within. When we love and accept ourselves unconditionally, our surroundings also change according to the law of attraction. If we feel we are lovable, we attract loving people and circumstances in our life. We start respecting ourselves despite what, we think, others think of us. For instance, someone might have told you that you are useless and predicted that you will be a failure. Have an intention to belong to a base of love — and break this pattern of unexplained misery.

Forgiving is another important part. Carrying grudges against those we hold responsible for our sorrows, prevents us from shifting towards love. Forgive those who have caused you to feel helpless as a child and this becomes easier when we understand that these caregivers were people who could offer us only what they had known as children. They did not know love, so could not pass it on to us. They were insecure, so insecurity was the inheritance they left behind. Consciously, nobody wants to deprive a child of love and protection, but subconsciously and unintentionally, they transferred their negativity to us. Their thoughts and deeds only mirrored their own sufferings, so punishing them is of no use. But by forgiving them, we broadcast our intention to the universe that we are willing to make a shift and choose love. By forgiving, we actually choose freedom.

If you grew up in a nurturing environment, you will have a balanced root chakra — the foundation for all other chakras. Heal the heart chakra to enable people to give and receive love.

Hypnotherapy is a safe and protected way to address your inner child. Once the subconscious mind is activated, and the particular wound healed, you will feel changes in all areas of your life — in curing addictions, solving career issues and in finding harmony and health. As you heal your inner child, you move towards love and acceptance — two emotions that change your life.

Things You Wish Your Partner Would Not Do

Fake an accent to impress people.

Check out other women when with you.

Be a momma's boy.

Scratch themselves in public.

Be a control freak.

Wear passe Death Metal T-shirts.

10 Things To Say To Your Ex

I faked it every time.

I don't know what makes you nstupid, but it works for you.

That's okay. I know I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm too hot for you anyway.

Thank you. I fell out of love with you ages ago but I just didn't know how to tell you. 

Okay. No hard feelings, but can I date your brother.

We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

Shut up. You'll never be the man your mother is.

If you are twice as smart, you'd still be stupid. 

Okay bye. I have places to see and people to do.

The 4 Best Marriage Tricks from Couples Who've Been for 40-Plus Years

Wanna get to your 50th anniversary? Steal these to-do's from pairs who've been together for years (and years!).

1. Have crazy adventures: "We never wanted to be the couple that does the same thing every night. Recently, we went to the airport without a plan—and ended up in San Francisco."— Gloria and Herb Schoenfeld, married 52 years.

2. Set aside time just for you: "When we had kids, an older friend told me, 'When the kids leave, it's just you and him; don't be strangers.' So we created Friday-night dates and we still do it 30 years later. Friends call it 'Harvey-and-Delores time.'" — Delores and Harvey Brown, married 41 years.

3. Wake up and fall asleep to a kiss: "We kiss every morning and night, though I've been guilty of going to bed angry. But whenever we don't kiss, I can tell the difference; the day feels incomplete. A kiss is a very powerful thing!" — Fairley and Cecil Baker, married 45 years.

4. Leave love notes: "When Bob was in the military, he sent me a letter every day. Looking back, that was how we got to know each other so well. We still write daily love notes!" — Jan and Bob Lewis, married 52 years.

5 Reasons You Fell Out of Love 

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Pay Attention to Avoid them

Blue Valentine   was, without a doubt, one of the most emotionally disturbing and best movies I've seen in a long time. And after re-watching it a second time the other day, I finally understand why it was so disturbing to so many people: it's real life. 

We don't go to the movies to see a once happy couple fall out of love – we go to see Mila and Justin get it on and live happily ever after (Friends with Benefits, anyone?). That said, movies like Blue Valentine are jarring because the reality is that falling out of love is unfortunately a lot more common than the sought-after fairytale ending. 

Not to get all depressing on you, but it's scary to think how easily a couple can go from loving to loathing each other. But I've always been a big proponent of the "prevention is key" philosophy. So here are five common reasons why you may have fallen out of love – And if you're still lucky enough to be with the one you love, then use the following tips to keep it that way. 

Boredom 
Boredom can easily be mistaken for comfort, so this is the one that couples usually don't see coming. It's one thing to feel at ease, comfortable and yourself with your significant other. It's even nice to know that you can spend a night in without all the fuss of a first date. But sometimes a little fuss is necessary to keep things exciting. Fussing over each other will prevent boredom and let him/her know you still care. 

You took each other for granted 
Most relationships eventually get to a place where both of you just assume the other one will always be there, no matter what. You stop treating each other with kindness and respect because in the back of your head you think your love is unconditional. Newsflash: there is no such thing as unconditional love for a romantic couple. He/she is not your blood and at the end of the day, someone will fall out of love if you don't start appreciating one another. 

Consideration went out of the window
Maybe he stopped holding doors open for you or maybe you stopped asking him how his day was. These seem like small things, but when they build over time it can cause serious havoc on your relationship. It's important to continue considering each other's feelings in everything you do. If not, then you're in danger of forgetting your significant other is there. 

You stopped communicating
The minute you stop communicating is the minute things start heading towards that scary place. You've heard it a million times before, but if you don't talk about the issues, they will fester and eventually eat away at your relationship. The minute something is bothering you, communicate it. It's the only way to prevent a massive outburst later. 

A major event changed one or both of you 
Sometimes people really do change. It could be because of a major event or milestone, or it could just be that one of you matured into a different person than you were when you first met. This one's a scary thought because there's not much you can do to prevent this from happening. So it's important to go into every relationship with the knowledge that people grow and change and you don't always necessarily grow and change together.

Breaking Stereotypes: Men Are Quicker to Drop the L-Bomb

A couple of months ago I was chatting with a friend of mine about her new boyfriend, who she was – and still is – so blatantly madly in love with. The difference between then and now is that back then she refused to even utter those three little words and just tell him, "I love you." 

I couldn't understand why she was waiting to tell him something she so obviously felt, but every time I asked, she'd just say, "I'm waiting for him to say it first." And sure enough, a few weeks later, he professed his love. Granted, it was at 1 AM at a dive bar on the upper east side, but that doesn't make it any less special. 

To be honest, I was a little surprised that he was the first to break, being that most of the guys I know would never say "I love you" first... or so I thought. A new study in the journal of Personality and Social Psychology is changing everything I ever thought I knew about boys. On average, men considered saying "I love you" 42 days before women did. 

Not only do they say "I love you" first in relationships, they're also happier than women when they hear it, especially if it's right before sex. I mean, that one makes a lot of sense – what wouldn't make guys happy right before sex? 

The lesson here is pretty life changing. If you think your boyfriend is about to go running for the hills when hears the L bomb, think again. He has probably been plotting how to say it to you for months.

99-year-old bachelor marries for the first time. When it's right, you just know.

A year before his 100th birthday, Gilbert Herrick is finally settling down. At 99, he never married and assumed he never would until he met "the one". That's 86-year-old Virginia Hartman. 

The pair fell for each other when Hartman moved into the Rochester-area community hospital, where Herrick lives. After a showing of her artwork in a hospital common area, he struck up a conversation. 

Herrick, a world war II veteran, never considered himself a comittment-phobe. He just never met the right woman until Hartman.

"There's nobody here to talk to," Herrick told the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. "She was the only one, and I started visiting her every day. I thought she would kick me out...She didn't."

It wasn't long before they decided to move into the same room, but in order to do so in the hospital, they'd have to be married. It was Hartman who popped the question to her future husband and for the first time in his life, Herrick said yes.

They wed on June 4, in an event space at the hospital, with Hartman's children, grandkids and great-grandkids in tow. Now the perpetually single retired postal worker is already seeing changes in himself since his marriage. He's picked up painting with his new wife. He's also picked up a new motto for love. "Love will find you," Herrick said just before he said I do. Who says a man can't change?

Things to Do After You Get Engaged

1. Tell your parents. Give them the honor of hearing the news first. Have the champagne ready to celebrate.

2. Make the calls. Before you log in to Facebook to update your relationship status or tweet your happy news, be certain everyone who should hear it from you personally has been called.

3. Get a manicure. Your finger and its sparkly new adornment will be getting a lot of attention.

4. Speaking of rings, get yours appraised and insured!

5. Craft a catchall response. You’ll be asked when you’re getting married often. Get past the “big day” question by choosing a month, season or even just a year.

6. Perfect your proposal story. Everyone will be asking how he popped the question. Craft a retelling that reflects the beauty and magic of the moment.

PLUS: 10 Thoughtful Wedding Gifts on a Budget

7. Make a pass at your guest list. Before you even begin the venue search, nail down this magic number. Planners want to how many people you’re inviting so they can pair you with spaces (ballrooms, tents, etc.) that can accommodate head count. Packages are also priced in ranges based on guest minimums, so this will help you with the next step: budgeting.

8. Set a budget and start saving. It’s easy to get carried away planning for the happiest day of your life, but ask yourself, do you want to be paying for the wedding years after the honeymoon, or would you rather go house hunting?

9. Places, please! Figuring out where to hold the reception is hard work. You may visit several venues before finding “the one.” Make this part of the planning as fun as possible by staying calm and organized. Create a spreadsheet (and consider sharing it in a Google Doc) with your fiancé to keep tabs on the venues you visit, what you like (or don’t like) about them, their prices, etc.

10. Buy a few bridal magazines. The Internet can be overwhelming when you’re wading through wedding websites. Magazines can help remedy that feeling. Pick one up and start folding pages, mark them with post-its, and have fun.

PLUS: 5 Things You Should Never Say to a Bride

11. Relinquish control. Can you plan the entire wedding by yourself? No one can answer this question but you (and possibly your Mom). If you’re the type of person who’d rather not stress over the details, a wedding planner will help tremendously.

12. Re-read number 4. It’s highly likely you’ll postpone insuring your engagement ring. Don’t. Here’s some great advice from theknot.com that explains everything you should know about protecting your ring: “Insurance 101: Engagement Ring Insurance.”

13. Relax. Do your best to avoid any unnecessary stress. You don’t want anyone cracking Bridezilla jokes about you, right? Some days will feel completely overwhelming. When this happens, grab a latte, go for a pedicure and think about how amazing your wedding is going to be.

5 Excuses Women Use To Explain Their Crazy Behavior (A guy's perspective)

Most men claim that their quest for the perfect girl is essentially a quest for a girl who isn't that crazy.

I used to think that guys were just kidding about women being insane. But now, I’m less inclined to think that way.

Upon reflection, I've realized that true insanity can only be determined by the rationalization offered in its defense. Below are the five most common reasons I've found that women offer to explain their mean or crazy behavior. Sure, admitting you were acting crazy means you're aware of your actions, and thereby not so crazy. But when your reasons for acting that way are irrational, then like it or not, I think you just come off as even more insane.

She Was Hungry
Something happens to women when they get hungry: They mutate into evil, cranky beings. In fact, many women I've dated have completely broken down immediately after the onset of hunger. But what baffles me is that even though a woman may be low on energy and dysfunctional while hungry, she still manages to find the strength to lash out. 

She Was Tired
For some reason, when the gal I'm with is tired, everything I say suddenly becomes annoying and every joke I make falls flat. What's the deal?

She Was PMSing
No questions asked, if a man blames anything on PMS, he gets in trouble. But if a woman blames something on PMS, the man gets in trouble for not accepting it as a valid excuse. I know we can't control our hormones, so I guess I understand where this one's coming from. But I'm still scared when a woman is on a PMS tear. One night I was at a girl's place and I heard stuff flying in the other room — her roommate was clearly throwing things at her boyfriend. I asked what was going on and the girl I was with casually said, without looking up: "She's just PMSing." I wish we could harness this energy and anger of PMSing women for the power of good.

She Couldn't Find Anything To Wear
I remember getting my butt kicked because the girl I was seeing couldn't find anything to wear. If you ask me, "I can't find anything to wear" is the woman's ultimate excuse, and it seems (to her) to be a perfect justification for why she was mean. It basically puts a guy on notice that crankiness, meanness and insanity can come out nowhere like a summer storm.

She Was Stressed Because It's Her Birthday
Why do women feel so overwhelmed by their birthdays? I was watching the Bethenny Show on Bravo (I admit it), and I watched her stress about her birthday for an entire episode, only to spend the majority of her actual birthday party crying in the bathroom. (Guess this is the extreme interpretation of "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to?").

When You Should Treat a Man Like a Woman

Are you an independent, smart single woman who is dating and looking for love? If so, you've likely been challenged with how to respond when a man does something that ticks you off. What are realistic expectations? What should you tolerate? I get asked this question in many forms.

It can be confusing. On the one hand, you have a strong desire to be liked and finally find The One. On the other hand, you are a confident woman who doesn't want to put up with nonsense or be a pushover.

Here is how that conflict can look in real life: The part of you that wants to be liked accepts all sorts of silliness and disrespect, while the other part of you judges quickly and bails out at the first sign of trouble.

Consider the situation of my client, Christine. During her coaching session she complained that a man she connected with online has been calling her after 10 p.m. She thought that was rude. (So do I.) She wakes up at 5 a.m., and it was affecting her sleep. She asked me if I thought she should say something to him. She was hesitant because she didn't want to scare him away.

So I asked her: How would you deal with a girlfriend who kept calling at that hour? Her instant response was, "I'd talk to her and let her know that it wasn't okay!"

There you go. It seems so clear if it's a girlfriend, right? So why wouldn't you respond the same way with a man you're dating? This is a reasonable boundary. It's intrusive behavior that affects your quality of life--not to mention it screams booty call.

When we date we tend to make our experiences all about him instead of ourselves. Does he like me? Did I say the right thing to him? What will he do next? Christine's dilemma had very little to do with him; he was going to do what he was going to do. Rather, it was about her personal needs and whether she was going to take care of herself; even if it meant he left.

Setting personal boundaries is a constant. Having your "must-haves" honored should be expected of any relationship. There is no reason to make exceptions because he's a guy and you're afraid you'll scare him off. If it's something important enough to ask a girlfriend to do differently, then you probably want to address it with him.

So…what can she do? If she goes with the side of her that wants to find a partner, she can simply accept his behavior. If she chooses the side that never wants to act like a desperate dater, she can dump him.

Or…she can realize there is another choice. Do what you would do with your girlfriend: tell him it's not okay.

Here is the simple phrase I suggested Christine use to tell him what she would like: "Joe, I like you and I'm interested in getting to know you…but I work early so I don't take calls after 9 p.m. If you want to get in touch, please call before that. I hope that works for you." Direct, yet kind and non-demanding, right?

Whether we admit it or not, wanting to be liked is a huge part of the dating process. I think it's important to clarify, though, that you want to be liked by the right men. When you politely tell Joe to please not call after 9, he can honor it or not. But you have honored yourself.

This really is pretty simple: take care of yourself with men the same way you do with your friends. A man doesn't get a pass just because he's hot and you really want to hook up. By the same token, there is no need to be demanding or critical; just ask and let him decide what he's willing to do.

Men are most definitely special, but don't be fooled into thinking they don't have to live up to your reasonable expectations. And like your friends, the good guys will respect you when you take care of yourself.

The Crazy Things Guys Do On Facebook

Last week, I talked about some Facebook practices women indulge in - none of which were very surprising to any men who have close female friends – and it’s raised an interesting question, which is: do men have any similarly stalker-ish/passive-aggressive-ish tendencies on The Facebook?
Definitely, I say…but in different ways. And I don’t know that I’d call all of them crazy, because I maybe possibly have and will likely again indulge in some of them myself.

Here they are:

1. Seeing if she matches my 3am memory – Thank you, facebook, for sparing us 21st-century men the traumas of our fathers, which was setting up a date with a girl late late late on a Friday night, only to discover upon meeting her for said date (in better lighting?) that she does not exactly match my recollection. Now we can look up that new name on the interweb Saturday morning and reassess if needed. (*Also valuable for checking other items that social lubricant may have glossed over, including artistic taste, employment status, and whether she’s maybe, actually, oops!, married.)

2. Designed to impress – Totally and perpetually guilty of this one. Some men post pictures and status updates with hopes of impressing a girl they like but haven’t yet gotten up the guts to go after (or, if it’s long-distance, who they can’t go after). Examples include 1) picture of Guy nonchalantly posing with John Krasinski, with caption reading, “Look who I just bumped into”, and 2) status update reading, “Just finished (book by author Guy knows that Girl loves), thought it was amazing.”

3. Don’t believe the lies: guys notice when a dude posts on his girlfriend’s wall – Some men brush it off, some men confront her about who the hell that guy is that wrote on her wall…and some men just write a post on her wall just above the dude’s post that subtly makes fun of it, hints at the amazing sex they’re enjoying, and usually ends with a sarcastic ";)".

4. Purposely piss off the boyfriend that she’s too good for – A lesser-practiced one, but very potent when needed. There’s that girl you know who’s totally with the wrong guy, and you think she should be with you. Facebook allows for public-yet-not-too-overt demonstrations of these facts, such as posting a clip from last night’s Rachel Maddow on her wall, which you know will lead to like 14 comments back-and-forth between you and her, and a decision to get coffee soon to discuss it further, but nothing from the boyfriend, cause he’s more of a “Big Bang Theory” kind of guy, you know? Like it really just doesn’t make sense that they’re together at – GOD WHY ISN’T SHE WITH ME INSTEAD.

5. Getting over the break-up – Guys are not, in my estimation, nearly as intentional as the ladies on this one, but they’re definitely guilty of it (cognisant or not). Posting carefully-crafted statuses and pictures after a break-up is standard operating procedure in 2011: it’s just part of how break-ups work now. Some guys go out of their way to post pictures from the bar surrounded by throngs of exposed midriffs, some change their profile pic to one at the ball game in which he happens to have his arm around the girl he knows his ex always hated, and some are subtle enough to hint in their status update that they’re finally going to that Thing that He and Her had always talked about going to…prompting her, hopefully, to comment “You’re going without me? :(“ At least, that’s the plan.

10 Things That Make Every Woman Hot

 Your scent

“I love when my girlfriend gives me a kiss goodbye and her scent lingers for a moment after she’s left,” says Geoff, 23, of Washington, D.C.

Your lips

You don’t have to be named Angelina to get props for yours; the new dark lip colors make any woman’s look plush. Line with berry pencil, fill in, apply lipstick (try CoverGirl Queen Collection Vibrant Hue Color in Black Currant, $7.50, at drugstores) and blot. He will notice. As Brian, 36, of Trenton, New Jersey, says, “I spend so much time wondering about what a first kiss will feel like that I appreciate the nuances of a woman’s lips well before I make contact with them.”

Your nails

“My girlfriend barely glides hers across my back to apply the perfect amount of pleasure and pain,” says Jordan, 24, of Union, New Jersey. “I look at her nails with a whole new respect now.”

Your collarbone

“At a party, another guy’s girlfriend was exposing hers—it’s just enough skin,” says Geoff. “His loss became my long-term relationship.” 

Your eyes

When it comes to sexy eyes, the smudgier the better (too-perfect anything isn’t sexy to him—or easy for you!). Steer clear of straight-up charcoal shadows, which can seem harsh. Instead, try one with shimmery flecks like Lancome Color Design Eye Shadow in The New Black ($17, lancome-usa.com). With a tapered brush, smudge it from your lash lines to just above the creases and apply a few coats of black mascara. Keep the rest of your makeup simple—a little rosy blush and a pinky-nude gloss on your lips—so your eyes will stand out even more.

Your neck

“It’s unquestionably real,” says Gregory, 32, of Charlotte, North Carolina. “Breasts can be fake, but when I spot a woman across a room, and she brushes her hair back and I can see her neck, then I know she’s a natural beauty.”

Your earlobes

“They’re smooth, soft and perfect for nibbling,” says Victor, 24, of Yorba Linda, California.

Your hair

The beauty of this deliberately messy ‘do: The more he plays with it, the better it’ll look. “You don’t even need a brush,” says shoot stylist Ted Gibson. Leaving out the front part of your hair, draw the rest back into a loose bun and pin. Then make a braid on each side of the hanging hair, twist them around the knot and secure again. Extra credit: a fruity-scented hair shiner like Garnier Fructis Glossing Spra.

Your breasts

“I find the hottest parts of a woman are interactive,” says Michael, 34, of Philadelpia. “Nipples respond—they talk back to your tongue or your lips or your fingertips.”

Your skin

“With women, you remember only some of what you see, everything you feel!” says Jimmy Lee, 28, of Chicago.

Dating Confessions: Your Biggest Relationship Mistakes

To love with no regrets is, well, much easier said than done. Sometimes we wish we hadn’t hurt an ex as much as we did, or let insecurities get in the way of a good thing, or even trusted a guy who our gut told us not to. But when it comes to love, the biggest mistake we risk making is to never reflect on these experiences and take valuable lessons away. Hindsight is 20/20, so I asked both girls and guys to share what they’ve learned from their biggest relationship blunders.

“The biggest relationship mistake I made was that I did not trust my boyfriend when I had no reason not to. I was jealous of his girl friends and jealous when he went out with the guys–not because he was doing anything wrong, but because I was insecure.” – Courtney, 25

“When I was younger, I had the bad habit of not being accepting of the little differences. I would let them bug me to the point of wanting to end the relationship. Now I am mature enough to appreciate those differences in others and look forward to learning about such idiosyncrasies in the ones I love and want to grow closer to.” – Alex, 29

“The biggest relationship mistake I ever made was getting back together with an ex because I didn’t want to be alone. Sure, the first month back together was fun, but then all the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place resurfaced. Lo and behold, he was my ex once again in no time, and I learned that it’s better to be single than in a going-nowhere relationship.” – Jyll, 24

“The biggest relationship mistake I ever made was not attempting to persuade the person I believe I’m still in love with to stay with me. She said I was too good for her and insisted we shouldn’t date because she would drag me down. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have put my tail between my legs and walked away.” – Jeff, 28

“I used to assume that guys didn’t have feelings; now I think some of them want you to believe that, but it’s still not true.” – Beth, 27

“Don’t break up with someone while you’re visiting Reno, NV together because you will have to drive back home with them. Awkward beyond belief.” – Nick, 26

Dating tips I learned from being a waitress

By Lauren Romano

I was a waitress on and off for a few years, and it gave me a surprising amount of insight about dating and relationships. It's one of the benefits of observing people as well as being able to converse with them. I also overheard quite a few conversations, some of which certainly caught me off guard. Being a waitress is typically not an easy job, but you meet a lot of people, and after awhile, you're able to point things out about them from across the room that may seem less obvious to those around them. Whether I was a counter waitress or waiting on tables, I learned quickly that you can learn quite a bit about dating and relationships just by listening and observing.

Don't monopolize the conversation

I can't tell you how many times I watched two people on a date where one person was monopolizing the conversation and the other could barely say a single word. I would see the silent person's face go from interested to bored to irritated and the other person didn't seem to have a clue. When you're conversing with your date, ask questions and listen well. You're also there to enjoy the food, so don't rush to fill every bit of silence with chatter -- especially when you're chewing at the same time. Speaking of which, talking with your mouth full is not attractive.

Little surprises will get you major points

One night, a woman walked off to the restroom and her date frantically waved me over and asked if he could quickly have two slices of cake. As I placed them on the table, he apologized for rushing me and told me he wanted to surprise his date because it was her favorite cake and he wanted to show her he remembered that she told him about it weeks before. She had a look of confusion and surprise as she sat down, and he presumably told her what he told me, because her face lit up and she had a big smile on her face. When you take the initiative to surprise someone you care about, it can completely make their day and earn you some major points. Also, listening well is going to be a major part of having a good relationship.

Beware of the cell phone

There is a good chance that your partner, at one point or another, searched through your phone when you weren't looking and checked your texts or missed calls. I've seen more than enough people grab their date's phone when the person got up from the table to use the restroom. I've also seen plenty of arguments over what was found. Several times, the person even had permission to use the phone for one reason or another. There's a few things to learn from this situation; lock your phone and don't do anything that can be considered scandalous with anyone other than the person you're dating and, if you do, don't leave the information on your phone, especially if you give your partner permission to use it. Also, whether or not you have permission to use someone's phone, it doesn't mean you're allowed to snoop.

There's no age limit for a new relationship

There was an older couple I was waiting on once and they looked so in love with each other it was amazing. When I put down their drinks, the older gentleman looked at me with a smile and said about his date "Isn't she beautiful? It's our two year anniversary." Another waitress told me the couple is in their early 70's. Despite what some may think, they're a true testament that there's no age limit for finding a new love.

Being nice to waitstaff can make or break your date

As any waitress could tell you, not every customer is going to be nice. When you're on a date and you're rude to your waitress, there's a good chance your date is not going to be happy. A guy was once so rude to me I thought his date was going to throw her plate at him. He didn't ask nicely for anything, he only demanded. He also threw his gum into a cloth napkin, handed it to me with the gum stuck on top of it, and told me to hurry and bring him a new one; the rude behavior continued for the rest of the time he was there. On the way out, his date apologized for his behavior and told me she's never seeing him again. The nicer you are to those around you and not just to your date, the more it's going to put you in a good light.

The best dates were always when each person had general respect for each other. They listened to their date, asked questions, and genuinely just wanted to put a smile on the person's face. It's easy to be nervous when you're out with someone you like, but the next time you're on a date, keep in mind that the best thing you can do is be yourself, be respectful, show interest and everything else will fall into place.

Five Tips for Holding Your Relationship Together when Finances Threaten to Tear You Apart

I started referring to 2010 as the 'Year of the Big Leap.' For a while I had embraced the concept that if we leaped, the net would appear. So, when work dried up with the company he had been working with, and he couldn't find another job, we worked on creating work for him. We built a website and advertised. We put in a lot of hours and effort. Still, we weren't even close to making it. Financial ruin loomed. Yet, our relationship endures. And this is why.

1. Don't play the blame game. At no point did I point fingers at his spending habits. At no point did he criticize my low income. We chose, without ever even discussing it, to not pursue counter productive methods. Hurting each other wasn't going to solve our problem. It would only create new problems in our relationship.

2. Be team players. When times get tough, we somehow always manage to hunker down together and figure out a new plan. We have decided that we are in it together, no matter what. If we end up losing the house, that will hurt us financially, but it wouldn't be as devastating as losing each other. Work together. Support one another. Things are simply things. At the end of the day, you realize that what matters in life are the people you share it with. As long as you keep that in mind, it's easier to survive the tough stuff.

3. Focus on the future. What happened in the past doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is moving beyond the bad stuff and figuring out where to go from here.

4. Find hope. We always try to find something to be happy about. We try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it is a slim scrap, a tiny sliver, we cling to it. It works. It helps. And it is better than the alternative.

5. Don't dwell on the bad stuff. It will still be there. Just don't think about it all the time. It doesn't do any good. And there is no reason to be sad and depressed all the time.

Maybe you haven't officially committed to 'for better or worse' yet. If you don't learn to work through the many challenges life presents, you never will. And I would rather struggle with him, than struggle all alone.

Does Fighting A Lot Mean We're Sick of Each Other?

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No,  arguing a lot doesn't mean you're tired of each other, but it does mean that you are both tired of feeling misunderstood and not heard.  

 

Oftentimes arguing is the result of each person stating their position, digging their heels in and then pounding their point as hard as they can to "get through" to their partner.  It rarely works.  Your constant fighting is an SOS that you must both change your strategies and begin to really listen to each other as well as learn how to be open to each other's needs and opinions. 

In my book, What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, I  have several techniques and tips that once you put them into play will significantly change the way you and your partner get along. Two of them that you can start with are the following:

 

Stop Playing Emotional Jeopardy...

This means be careful addressing an issue with your boyfriend in the form of a declarative statement, which he will most likely take as an attack and then counter or negate whatever it is you might be telling him.   Instead,  form your point in the form of a question. That way, you are being open and are leaving him the room to share his experience rather than forcing him to defend himself . It looks like this:

"Was there a reason you didn't call me to tell me you were running late"? Rather than... "You could've called, I don't know why you didn't. You only think of yourself..."

 

Hit the Hold Button ....

Sometimes it's just bad timing to try to hash out whatever is upsetting you or what you are both disagreeing about. It's late, one of you is tired, you're on your way out to a social occasion, you're just too angry to be able to think clearly and talk calmly. So, if you both agree to let each other know when it's the time for one of you  to Hit the Hold Button, you can agree to put things on hold and disagree for the moment.  Then you can choose another time within the week when you've had a chance to let things settle down and can address your concerns in a more thoughtful and less reactive way.

 

There are lots more techniques to use, but if you start with these two it will help you begin to communicate in a more caring, sensitive and open- minded way with one another, and that in and of itself will diminish the degree of arguing taking place.

6 Rules For Fighting Fair

I still remember a long-ago ex who just loved to fight. Whatever I did, he'd be sure to find something wrong with it, and would just start screaming at me, paying no attention to anything I tried to say. And it wasn't just me; pretty much anyone who differed in opinion or did him wrong was in for the confrontation of their life.

I, on the other hand, have always been the type to avoid conflict by any means necessary--preferring to live completely unhappily rather than confront someone and risk a fight.

I realize now that neither of our fighting styles were very productive in the long run and it's not surprising that the relationship didn't last. Maybe if we'd figured out a way to fight fair--we both could've gotten what we wanted without ending up hurt (or hurting the other person) in the process.

But that can be easier said than done--especially in the heat of the argument. So how do you go about fighting fair? We asked licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach Mark Sharp of the Aiki Relationship Institute for his suggestions.

"Many people refer to fighting fair with the idea of not 'hitting below the belt'," he says. "That really means that it is fighting without doing things specifically to hurt the other person rather than move the fight forward."

But Mark says, in reality, there's a little more to it than that. "In addition to not doing things to specifically hurt the person you are fighting with (emotionally or physically) fighting fair means being truly open to understanding the position, ideas, and experience of the person you are fighting with," he insists.

One thing to keep in mind? You and your partner may have different fighting techniques--which could be getting in the way of fighting fair. Mark breaks them down:

FIGHTING STYLES:

• The Distracter: This is a person who will bring up topics that don't relate to what the fight is about or are only marginally related. They may also choose to argue about nitty gritty details while ignoring the real reason the fight is taking place.
• The Blowhard: This person talks loudly and a lot, often interrupting the person they are fighting with and seeming to pay no attention whatsoever to what  the other person is saying. They seem to work on the idea that the person who talks the loudest and who talks last wins. I have at times referred to this as the "Jerry Springer Syndrome."
• The Pacifier: This person tends to not fight but rather agree (verbally) with the other person is saying, though they have no intention whatsoever with following through with what they are saying. 

But while you may be drawn to a specific fighting style, you don't have to let it rule your arguments.

"It may be difficult, but anyone can change their behavior if they are serious about it, are honest with themselves, and put forth some serious effort," says Mark.

 SIX RULES FOR FIGHTING FAIR:

1. Stay on one topic and don't get distracted.
2. No name calling or derogatory, sarcastic, snide etc. statements.
3. Try to understand the other person's position. And try to actively communicate to them that you understand it. In intimate relationships, it is particularly important to understand the emotional impact of the situation on the other person.
4. If you are confused or don't understand something, ask for clarification.
5. Talk more about your feelings and opinions and why they are important to you and less (perhaps not at all) about why the other person's are wrong.
6. Understand that resolution doesn't mean you have to agree with each other, just find a way to move forward.