9 Characteristics That Predict a Successful Relationship 

There comes a time in every relationship that you find yourself wondering whether or not you can see this "thing" turning into a long-term sort of deal. For me, this feeling starts to come up right around the four-month mark. I start asking myself questions like, "Is he the right guy for me?" and "can I really see myself spending the rest of my life with someone like him?"

Well, according to California-based clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther, there are certain characteristics you should be looking for right off the bat that will tell you the likelihood of your relationship lasting. Read on to find out if you and/or your significant other fit the traits. And go to Psychology Today to see the full article, as well as the seven characteristics that strain relationships over time.
Physical desirability
"It is not limited to just sex appeal. Physical desirability is an overarching feeling people have when they look at someone who physically intrigues them... You will know when you are attracted to someone's physical characteristics because you are entranced by the way they look to you."
Generosity
"It is not no much their offering of gifts, but their willingness to give that matters. Generous people look for ways to care, often before they are asked. They pay attention to what others want."

Kinship
"It takes a lot of energy to maintain close and intimate relationships, and these people make it a high priority... You will know when you are with a successfully social person when you feel automatically included in their personal circle."
Compassion
"Compassionate people don't miss a beat when their lovers are in trouble. They are especially available when things are not going so well... You will know you're with a compassionate person when you feel comfortable being vulnerable and don't feel you have to cover your faults."

Openness
"They don't seem to worry about making mistakes because they accept their own faults, and are eager to know how others see them... They just have a strong sense of self that is not easily threatened, and don't need to cover when unexpectedly exposed."
Integrity
"Integrity and trust are linked. Two people who believe in the same ethics can trust each other's motives and behaviors... You will know when you are with a person of integrity when they are comfortable with what they believe, but are openly interested in your views, even if they are different. The relationship may not work if you can't share the same ethic, however, you will not be overruled."

Humor
"People who see the humor in situations, or laugh just as easily at themselves, are easy to be with... The loss of a sense of humor is the most telling clue that a relationship may be in distress... It is a way of lightening life's challenges so that sorrow is lessened and joy is increased."
Passion
"Passion is energy, focus, and intense commitment to a behavior or person. They care deeply. They love with abandon. Life is for living to the fullest and the greatest punishment is the inability to feel."
Confidence
"They take risks, and aren't afraid of losing as long as they learn to do it better the next time.Confident people are resilient... They mean what they say and do what they promise... They're open to new experiences and don't seem to worry about embarrassment or loss."

5 Things Super-Happy Couples Do Every Day

Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But my wife and I have a ridiculously happy marriage. Really, it's almost disgusting.
We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds in the middle of happy hour. Sometimes we'll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other's feet, that we're forced to make hacking, gagging noises to maintain our dignity. Actually, this happened just last week.
See, I told you it was disgusting.
It hasn't always been this way. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit that our current marital bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good marriage is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid marriages, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "If you're really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it."
Want examples? Look no further than Tessina and her husband, Richard, who have developed an array of daily relationship builders during their 19 years of marriage: Every morning, they repeat their wedding vows to each other; they hold regular state-of-the-union meetings; and (my personal favorite) Tina routinely leaves Post-it Notes for Richard ("Hi, honey! Have a great day!") stuck to the underside of the toilet seat (think about it).
"Every marriage has what I call a relationship reservoir, or the stored-up emotional energy of the relationship," says Tessina. And although these daily habits are all very simple things, they help fill that reservoir. When there's a lot of positive energy there, you give each other a little pat on the butt or say, "I'm so glad I'm sharing my life with you," and you're storing it up. Then when the relationship is under stress, you'll have the energy you need to get through.
We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about marriage-strengthening solutions they've developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happily married as I am.

Want to know the one thing that's most important to a successful marriage? That's easy. Walk up to your husband and surprise him with this one-question relationship quiz:
You: "Honey, what do you think is the one thing most important to a successful marriage?"
Him: "Umm, uh did you say something?"
And, well, there you have it.
Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who's got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their "igloo."
"It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day," says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. "We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were 'bad polar bears' and how she didn't want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that's when we started calling the bed the igloo."
"The igloo is a place to retreat to," says Julie, 31. "It's our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo."
Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year marriage.
"It's funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you'd automatically know everything that was going on," she says. "But we find that if we don't take that time to connect with each other, it's really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there's not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you're able to focus on each other in a deeper way."
Of course, you don't need to christen major pieces of furniture with cute nicknames to improve the communication in your marriage. You simply have to set aside a few minutes every day to remind each other of why you got married in the first place. And there are as many ways to do that as there are marriages in America.
Lori and Joe, who are happily married in Philadelphia, have a nightly ritual they call crook time. That's when Lori cuddles up in the "crook" of Joe's shoulder and they talk. "The name's a little sappy," Lori admits, "but it's always a nice way for us to catch up."
Every night, Angie and Bob walk their pet Chihuahua, Chachi, through the streets of Brookline, Massachusetts. In addition to keeping Chachi from picking dogfights he could never win ("He has a bit of a Napoleon complex," Bob says), they use the time to strengthen their 11-year marriage.
It may be going a bit far to emulate Tim and Jill, a Connecticut couple who somewhat sheepishly admit that they check in with each other from work "six, maybe seven times a day," Tim says, "sometimes a dozen times when we're really being crazy." (Jill says, slightly more defiantly, "He's just my best friend, and our marriage is a great partnership, and there's no one I'd rather talk to.")
Then again, if you've been married 10 years and still want to talk to each other 10 times a day, you must be doing something right.

Back when you were 14 years old, you probably figured that once you got married, you'd have sex just about every day. (Well, maybe teenage girls don't think that way. But let me tell you, 14-year-old boys sure do.) And why not? Sex is free. It's fun. And it doesn't require the purchase of any equipment, besides the occasional bottle of vegetable oil and about 20 feet of nylon rope.
But as they get older, most couples realize that having sex every night isn't possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans' sexual habits found that only about a third of adults have sex more than once a week. Granted, that number might have been higher if all the couples having sex more frequently had stopped to take the surveyor's phone call, but clearly, sex for most married couples is far from a daily reality.
That doesn't mean, though, that you can't at least talk sexy every day, and that's the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they've been together.
"It's funny," says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, "because we know plenty of married couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have sex. The wife's upset because all he ever wants to do is have sex; the husband's upset because he doesn't think they have sex enough. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we're always talking sexy to each other."
"Absolutely," says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. "We're always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we're hot. He gets to feel like he can have sexual feelings, and I feel like I don't have to have sex all the time to appear attractive.
"Let's put it this way: The way I see it, sex is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn't taste that great."
"Right," Ed says, "but after five days of talking about chocolate cake?"
"That cake tastes damn good."

Eavesdrop on a conversation between Bob and Angie concerning their favorite shared pastime.
"We are so disgusting. This is so pathetic. It's like a sickness."
"But it makes us happy!"
"It's so stupid it makes us laugh."
"We're yelling at people. High-fiving each other."
"Look, we get a kick out of it because it's so ridiculous. It's our guilty pleasure."
Forgive them if they seem somewhat shy, but they're merely ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That's right. They lived and died with Survivor. They've adopted Big Brother. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They do.
"Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while," says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. "We're both very into our careers. And when you're at work, with any job there's going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax."
Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, "Life is serious enough, isn't it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can't be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?"

So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals ("Honey, don't forget, at 7:15 we have our nightly cuddle, followed by the affirmation of our vows, our 7:35 spontaneous flirtation, and then, of course, a new episode of Deal Or No Deal at eight")?

Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your marriage than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.
"You know that old saying, 'How can I miss you if you don't go away?'" Tessina asks. "Doing things separately gives you a chance to fill in the blanks that your partner can't fill in for you, for example, one of you likes classical music, the other one likes sports. Plus, taking a break from each other gives you more things to talk about, because when you're joined at the hip, what's to talk about? You've already seen it all."
The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can't-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It's a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.
"As a woman, you get this message that when you get married, you spend every single waking second with your husband and you're so unbelievably happy," says Lori, 34. "And my parents actually do spend every single waking second together, and oddly enough, they are happy. So that's how I grew up thinking you were supposed to be. But when I told him this, Joe was like, 'I-don't-think-so.'"
"Because I watched my parents," says Joe, 29, whose parents divorced when he was 22, "and yeah, they spent every moment together, but they spent every moment together at each other's throats."
"So Joe had to convince me that having our own lives was a good idea," Lori explains. "I'm thankful he did."
These days Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn't seem to share.
"It all brings a freshness to our marriage because we both continue to grow as people," Joe says.
"Plus," says Lori, "getting out of the house and out of each other's hair keeps us from going crazy."
And — we asked the experts, so we know — going crazy is definitely not one of the secrets of a happy marriage.

In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are "very happy" (compared to 57 percent of those who don't). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other, discuss their marriage together, and — stop the presses — rate their spouses as skilled lovers.
Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you (were that the case, my beloved Oakland Raiders would have won the Super Bowl years ago). But whether they're talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.
"We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn't start doing until about a year ago," says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. "In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we'd have discussion after discussion about them, but we'd never really come to a resolution."
After two 1,000-mile moves, the birth of three children, and two job changes, all in the past four years, those difficult decisions had begun to take a toll. So when Beth asked Doug, a nonreligious and self-proclaimed man of science, to try praying with her, he figured they had nothing to lose.
"I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility," Doug says. "When you're praying for each other, not yourself, you're focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works."
"As bad as any problem may seem at that moment," agrees Beth, "prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it's the most intimate thing you can do with another person."
Now they pray together every night, once the "urchins" are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn't holed up in their igloo, of course.
"It's pretty short and not at all scripted," says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. "We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we're asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.
"Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith," Julie sums up. "You've got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You've got to believe that you're being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don't believe that it's God who is helping us, I still think that it's good to acknowledge that there's a force between the two of us that's helping us out."

The 3 L's of a Lasting Marriage

Love is the very foundation of good marriage, but it turns out, there are a few other “L” words to consider. Blogger Leigh Pennebaker explains:

Listening: It is so important and helpful to be able to really listen to your partner. When you know someone so well, it's easy to feel like you have them all figured out. Sometimes that's great, but other times it can mean rushing to judge or to make assumptions that might not be true. Striving to really, deeply listen is the cornerstone of communication between my husband and me. It inspires empathy and compassion -- and you can't have too much of those things in a marriage!

Laughing: Don't take things too seriously. My husband has the great gift of being able to introduce levity with kindness whenever things get tense between us. It helps to put things in perspective. When you laugh together it's hard to be angry.

Looking:  A wonderful thing to do regularly to connect with your spouse is to gaze silently into each other's eyes without speaking for several minutes. It’s such a simple act, but you would be surprised how revelatory and healing it can be. The next time you just can't seem to regain your relationship mojo, try this exercise. It will get you back to a beautiful place before you know it.

And finally, it may not begin with “L,” but  saying thank you is key. Don't take even the little things for granted. Let your honey know how much they (and their sweet gestures) mean to you each and every day.

WHAT GALS MUST KNOW ABOUT GUYS!

(1)Guys are much more emotional than gals.......

(2)Guys may be flirting before going to sleep, they always think about the gal whom they truly care about.....
...
(3)Guys like it when gal's smile......

(4)A guy who likes a gal wants to be the only guy in that galz life......

(5)Gals are guys weakness.........

(6)If a guy tells you about his problems,he just needs someone to listen to him......

(7)When a guy asks a gal to leave him alone , he is just saying " please come & sit with me"......

(8)No guy can handle all his problems on his own, he is just too stubborn to admit it......

(9)When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with a gal, he really likes that gal and wants to be with her forever.....

(10)A guy loves a gal more than she loves him....

Exclusive Q&A: Candace Bushnell Reveals What's Next for Carrie Bradshaw

by Marie Claire

Every woman can find something relatable in Sex and the City. Remember those “I'm a Carrie” shirts from way back when? And with episodes rerunning on E and TBS, everyone is dying for more of the stiletto-strutting-sex-divulging-ultimate-girls'-night series. But after a novel, six seasons of the TV show and two movies, the franchise is left with an unstable future.

Enter Candace Bushnell, the woman who penned the novel behind the entire franchise. In fact, Carrie Bradshaw is her alter ego. Last year, she brought us The Carrie Diaries, giving us insight into Carrie's life in high school, how she found her calling with writing and how she came to meet Samantha Jones. In her newest young adult novel in The Carrie Diaries series — which, by the way, is not just for young adults — we get a glimpse of Carrie's first summer in Manhattan, which includes her first sexual encounter with an older man (cue memories of Aleksandr Petrovsky) and the fashion risks she takes in the 1980s. We spoke with Bushnell about what we can expect from the series, the feminism behind Ms. Bradshaw –remember how she never changed her last name? – and what she thinks of Blake Lively as the next Carrie.

You've written five novels for an older set of readers. How was it writing for a younger audience?
Well, you know, a novel is a novel and I think for me, the biggest difference was that it was first person, present tense, which is a little bit tricky and it's a lot harder than it looks. The character can only know what the character knows at that moment. Whenever I am writing a book, I have certain books that I turn to that are touchstone so when I was writing The Carrie Diaries, I was reading The Bell Jar and when I was writing Summer and the City I was very inspired by a little somewhat obscure literary movement of the sixties about young women who would go to the city and I was reading The Dud Avocado by Elaine Dundy.

Since Carrie is your alter ego, did you draw inspiration from your experiences in the eighties?
In terms of the time period, I'm 52 years old. Obviously, I was around in 1980. I drew a lot from real life experiences of myself and people I knew. You don't draw directly, though. You take that inspiration and in the process of writing and you come up with something that is new that has its own energy and its own truth. A lot of Carrie's clothes, I realized, those were my own clothes, and that's the one thing that I did take directly from my own life and I had the scrubs [she wears in the book].

Carrie wears everything from oversized robes to scrubs to latex (mind you, latex in the summer). How would you describe the fashion in the city during this time?
It wasn't label driven and the whole thing in the eighties is kind of a head scratcher. Young people, unless you came from a ridiculously wealthy family, would never wear Chanel or Gucci. Those labels were very, very, very exclusive and only wealthy people who lived on the Upper East Side wore them. People were very creative with their clothes. Everybody didn't copy everybody else and it was very individual. There weren't hundreds of fashion magazines and blogs.

The characters in Summer and the City divulge a lot of information about themselves that differs from the show and movies. For example, in the second film Carrie told Big she was always more Coco Chanel than coq au vin, but in this book, she's a whiz in the kitchen. Did you write the differences on purpose?
When movies and television shows write characters, the medium and the decision making process is so different. The TV show was never about the character's back stories and a lot of the decisions were made because the actor was available and we wanted to give the actor a part. I pursued the character's differently and I absolutely never thought it should be the same as the TV show. I wrote what I wanted to and what was right for the characters.

You recently signed on with HarperCollins for two more young adult books. What can we expect?
I haven't decided if there will be one or two more Carrie Diaries novels, there could be. To me, I think what's so great about the series is that the series is really the middle of those character's lives. They are very specifically from a time and a place out of seventies and eighties feminism. I really hope the audience can really understand where these characters come from and what the context is. I know there are some people who love to see the shoes and that's great and that's fun but the character's come out of a very specific time that's important for young women to know about.

Sarah Drew narrated the first book in the series for the audiobook. Did you ever think about wooing Sarah Jessica Parker to do it?
That would be a dream but it's incredibly time consuming. It supposedly takes two weeks and I think they pay only 20 dollars so I don't think she has the time.

What's the truth behind Blake Lively possibly playing Carrie in the TV version of The Carrie Diaries series?
I saw those rumors and I was like, really? No one told me. I love Blake Lively. I haven't met her but I saw her in The Private Lives of Pipa Lee. I turned on my computer and was, like, wow where did this come from? I know there's a lot of talk but there's nothing definitive and I just don't know. It's kind of not up to me, but I've written scripts and pilots adapting my books and other things. I can never speculate on Blake, I learned a long time ago just not to speculate the whole casting thing.

Turn Her on with Sexually Charged Bedroom Talk

When you want to dirty talk to women there are some things that you can do that is going to make it successful and some things that are going to make your conversation bomb.

If you do not know the difference between these things you may find that there is a big problem. You do not want to ruin a good opportunity.
Talking dirty involves a number of small, but important steps which we’ll discuss in today’s post:
Get Her In The Mood The first thing that you need to do is create sexual desire. It is important that you do no try to go all crazy on her when she is in no way thinking of sex.
If you do this she is going to look at you like you are nuts or she may just slap you and walk away.
Either way these are not the best reactions because you did not try to get her in the mood. You have to learn how to turn a woman on before you dirty talk to women. It is not as hard as you think but there are many men that have no idea.

Watch Her Reaction As you talk talking you need to make sure that you are paying close attention to her reaction. You could make a little joke that was a little naughty and then see what she does.
Does she laugh or giggle? Does she back away? Does she move forward?
Whichever one of these signals she gives you will help you figure out what you need to say next. If you find that she is interested then you can begin to move forward with your conversation. Pay close attention to her eyes and the position of her body.
Tease And Play One of the best ways to dirty talk to women and create sexual tension is by teasing and playing. You can do light little touches on her arms as you smile at her and then you just stop. This will drive her absolutely wild and make her want you even more.

You want to make sure that you get her all hot and bothered and then you can start the dirty talking because she will be ready to hear what you are really thinking by then. Make sure when you are saying these things she is still reacting positively to you.
Talking to Create Sexual Attraction Dirty talk and intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom.  It happens the moment you meet a girl. You can create feelings of chemistry by triggering her “Hot Buttons.

6 Kinda Strange Boyfriend Behaviors

When you first start dating a guy, it's easy to fall hard and fast. The reason: He's on an all-out mission to charm the pants off you...literally and figuratively. "The wooing stage is about selling himself and putting his best foot forward," says Calgary, Canada, sexologist Trina Read, PhD.

Once he's succeeded in sweeping you off your feet though, you'll start to notice various changes in him. Some are nice — he seems so much more comfortable with you, for instance. But others may come across as negative or just plain bizarre. Here's a surprise: That kind of behavior can actually confirm that he's stuck on you like glue. Confused? Don't worry, we explain it all here. 

1. He shows his vulnerability.
Many guys think women are looking for the kind of dude who exudes strength and confidence minus the macho bit. So that's the kind of persona he likely tried to cultivate when he was pursuing you. Once he's accomplished that, he may let his softer side emerge.
"Most men want to appear strong and in control, but behind that facade, they want to be nurtured," says Henry Cloud, PhD, author of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. So once he feels that love connection with you, you're the one he'll look to when he needs comforting.
If you play your cards right during your guy's time of need, he'll get into the habit of letting down his emotional guard and opening up to you more often. And what girl doesn't want an emotionally available man? So just listen, try to empathize with him and offer your support. "By positively reinforcing his vulnerable behavior, you're encouraging him to be that way with you," says Los Angeles-based psychologist Yvonne Thomas. But beware of the "mommy" trap. "He wants understanding, not babying," says Cloud.
And make sure you don't let these heart-to-hearts become a one-way street. It's important for you to turn to him when you need comforting as well. Says Thomas: "Being vulnerable with each other can help make the relationship stronger." 

2. He takes fights to the finish.
Despite their penchant for body-crushing sports and blood-and-guts action flicks, guys tend to shy away from confrontations with chicks. "Many men feel overwhelmed fighting with their partners," says Don Ferguson, PhD, author of Reptiles in Love. "They are not as comfortable expressing their emotions as they perceive women to be and, therefore, try to avoid contentious situations."
So if your man steps outside his comfort zone to duke it out with you (verbally, of course), it's a pretty sure sign that he's in this twosome for the long term. "A man who is willing to stand up to you and assert himself intends to be around awhile," says Ferguson. "If he wasn't that interested, he'd play the compliant card."
Granted, arguing may not be your idea of fun, but it can actually bring you and your man closer. "Couples build intimacy through conflict," says Ferguson. "It's how they deepen their knowledge of each other." The trick is knowing how to fight fair. It's not about name-calling, blaming or even winning. "When you are fighting for things that are important and to resolve a problem, you'll both end up more satisfied in the relationship," says Cloud. 

3. He guards his guy habits.
Men are fiercely protective of their buddy time. But when a guy is in hot pursuit, sex trumps the boys, and he'll be available for the woman he's with pretty much any time she wants him. That explains why you and your man spent so much together time early on in the relationship. But once that love bond is formed, they feel the need to balance out their social life and reclaim playtime with their buds again.
So it makes sense that once your guy realizes he's hooked on you, he'll try to carve out more male-bonding opportunities. It doesn't mean he's cutting you loose; it's just his way of overcompensating for falling so hard. "His fears about losing his independence may lead to his need to assert his autonomy so he can prove to himself — and to you — that love hasn't taken away his freedom," says Deborah Anapol, PhD, author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love.
The best way to deal with these new interruptions in your 24/7 together time is to give him some slack. Matt,* 31, can vouch for that. "I really love being with my girlfriend, Jenny, but when it initially dawned on me that I had been spending all of my time with her, I kind of freaked," he recalls. "My previous girlfriends always gave me a hard time when I wanted to be with just my friends. But the first time I decided to go out of town with the guys, she told me she was glad because it gave her a chance to see her own friends. Knowing she had plenty going on in her life without me was a relief."
Jenny's one smart cookie. By sending the message that she wasn't going to crumble without him, Matt didn't feel trapped and desperate to get in his guy time. "It's important to allow him his space and to take your own and trust that it will even out," says Anapol. "The best thing you can do when your guy pulls back is to take your attention off him and keep it on yourself." 

4. He stops talking as much.
You already know that guys aren't big on emoting. So when you start dating a dude who's willing to talk to you for hours on end, sharing all the juicy details of his life, you probably feel like you've snagged a rare gem. That is, until you're an actual couple and he adopts a monosyllabic conversation MO. It's understandable that you'd feel like he's shutting you out, but he's letting you know (not deliberately) that he's content and comfortable with you.
"If your formerly verbal guy becomes close-mouthed, it means that he feels so relaxed with you, he doesn't need to impress you anymore," explains Thomas. "Once there's a real connection, you can be together without talking. It's a deeper form of intimacy because you're being more genuine with each other." 

5. He wants less sex.
It's pretty hard to top that high you get during the lust-fueled beginning of a relationship. So when that inevitably cools off a bit, it can be soul-crushing. But his downshifted libido doesn't necessarily signal that he's no longer into you. "A decrease in sex can often mean that a couple is connecting in other ways, so they're not as driven by lust," says Cloud.
It can also mean that he knows there will be plenty of time for fooling around, so he doesn't feel desperate to get it on with you whenever you hit the sack.
That's what Lucy, 28, discovered. "In the beginning, Peter and I had tons of amazing sex," she recalls. "So after a while, when he'd occasionally spend the night and just go to sleep, I got worried. One night, when we got home late from a party and he didn't want to get it on, I called him on it. He looked at me like I was crazy, then explained that he was simply tired — no big deal."
Ironically, less sex may actually be good for your relationship. "As your partner grows to care about you more, he starts sharing other parts of himself, such as his mind and heart, rather than just his body," says Thomas. "That's the difference between lust and love." 

6. He shows his kinky side.
As you and your guy get closer, you may not be having as much sex, but you can definitely have much better sex. Translation: A deeper connection means carnal quality over quantity. And more creativity. That's because when your man feels tight with you, he'll be more inclined to suggest some kinkier bedroom activities, because he's not worried that you'll bolt or think he's a perv. "He trusts you and feels safe enough to reveal things without worrying about your judging or rejecting him," says Thomas.
So don't judge or reject him when he does bring up some new erotic ideas. Of course, you don't have to indulge him either. But be gentle when you turn him down. Simply saying something like, "That just doesn't turn me on" should suffice. Then you can counter his suggestion with one of your own. It will help ease any discomfort he might feel about being shot down, and you will probably get what you want in bed as well.
Even if you don't turn him down, communicating your desires will improve your lust life...and boost your bond. "Sharing and experimenting with each other's more private fantasies can be powerfully intimate and strengthen your relationship," says Thomas. Hotter sex and a tighter connection? It doesn't get much better than that.

What It Means When Your Man Cries

You can tell a lot about a dude — from his relationship MO to his sex skills — by his tear-shedding style.

He Cries, But Not in Front of You

Closet sobbers have been taught that boys shouldn't cry. "This often leads to the suppression of other emotions — even happy ones, such as love — in your presence too," says William July, PhD, author of Understanding the Tin Man. "The feelings he might think are most acceptable to show are anger and sexual arousal."

Though sensitive at his core, he needs your support and compassion to begin thawing on the outside. If you notice he's quieter than usual, ask him if something's wrong at work. Even if that's not the problem, he'll be more inclined to reveal what's upsetting him if you open the door. It won't happen overnight, but as trust increases, so should his expressions of emotion. Deep down, this guy has a need to impress, which is why he doesn't like to reveal any chinks in his armor. Your job is to make it clear that tenderness is one of the qualities you prize in a guy.

He's Always Stoic

This may come as a surprise, but a man who's not in touch with his feelings will always put yours first. "Because he wants to come off as tough and manly, his primary concern will be protecting you and making sure you're secure," says Scott Kudia, PhD, author of If This Is Love, Why Am I Unhappy? And since this guy is so uncomfortable with displaying his emotions, there won't be much drama, meaning he'll handle most problems calmly.

The drawback is that he may have trouble showing depth of emotion — verbally and physically. "Encourage him to slow down during intimate times — like in bed," says Kudia. "Tell him you think it's sexy when a guy lets down his guard." If he feels that his alpha-male standing won't be compromised, he may loosen up a bit, but he's never going to walk around with a hankie in his pocket.

He Bawls Out of Frustration

When things don't go his way, this guy responds by having a mini meltdown. "Don't mistake his tears for sensitivity though," warns psychologist George Weinberg, PhD, author of Why Men Won't Commit. "He just never learned to express himself any other way, so he deals by crying, which is how the body purges toxic emotions. And when it comes to sex, he needs reassurance."

The best way to handle him: Ignore his freak-outs, but acknowledge his feelings, and couch your sexual desires as compliments. Lastly, you may suggest he see a counselor for new, healthier ways to cope.

He's Not Shy About Shedding Tears

If your guy is the type to get watery-eyed during very emotional situations — or even during the occasional sappy moment (read: while watching a sad movie) — you have a keeper. "This is a well-balanced man who is secure enough in his masculinity to be emotional," explains Kudia. "He is likely to be a good communicator and has no problem letting you know how he feels, either with words or displays of affection."

Because he's in touch with his own emotions, this guy will probably be able to better intuit yours. For example, if you want him to take the next step in the relationship or switch up the bedroom routine, he'll sense it. And if he doesn't, a subtle suggestion is all it will take to effect change since pleasing you is a major motivator for him.

5 phrases that could ruin your relationship

In the heat of an argument, many things are said. Sometimes you don't mean them, and sometimes they are things that have been brewing for a while. There are some comments that may be blurted out during a rage that will be quickly swept under the rug, but others can be more damaging. Depending on the severity of the insult, an apology won't always fix it. Even at the height of your anger, you should still have some control over the things you say. In order to avoid causing irreparable damage to your relationship, try to avoid these phrases.

"I don't trust you."
In jest, saying these words usually lead to something silly or naughty, like when you have to turn your back on your man while you're getting dressed and he promises not to grope you! On a more serious note though, telling your partner you don't trust him could be some of the last words you say to him. These words are usually only uttered by women who have a tendency to be suspicious and they are hurtful, especially when said to a man who has been nothing but honest. I understand how it feels to worry yourself into a state of craziness over nothing but if you don't keep control of those feelings, you run the risk of driving a good man away.

"All men are the same."
As a woman, even I am offended by this comment. Okay, I admit that in my youth I may have uttered it on occasion, more out of frustration than anything. Let's be clear though, men are not all the same. Just because you had your heart broken a few times, doesn't mean there isn't a man out there who won't do that to you. If you say this to your boyfriend in the middle of a fight, he might just lose all respect he ever had for you.

"You're useless in bed."
Oh, how a man will hate you for saying this! True or not, letting him know in such a harsh way won't make the situation any better. If you crush a guy's ego, he won't be crazy about the idea of seeing you again. You may be wondering why you would even want to date a guy who is no good in the sack, but sex shouldn't be the main ingredient of a relationship. The fact is, problems in the bedroom are never the fault of one person. If he isn't satisfying you, you have a responsibility to let him know in a gentle, respectful way.

"Dave never did that!"
Obviously, it doesn't have to be Dave. Could be Jim, Larry, Joey, or Bob. Whatever your ex's name is, comparing your current boyfriend to him is a quick route to break-upsville. Before you spit this nasty little remark at your partner, remember that you split with your ex for a reason, so he can't have been as perfect as you are suggesting. Accept your new boyfriend for who he is, not who he could be.

"Your mother is an interfering witch!"
This is something I felt like saying many times to my ex boyfriend. I managed to hold it in, even though she felt the need to know every single detail of every plan we had. My ex was very close to his mom, so I just hung in there and hoped things would get better and they eventually did. Some women aren't as lucky though. Unfortunately, it's considered rude to tell your man you think his mom is a pain in the butt. If the words slip out, he may never forgive you. Instead, let your boyfriend know that you don't think she needs to hear the ins and outs of your relationship and hope that he keeps the information he shares to a minimum.

Words can cause a lot of harm within a relationship, so always choose them carefully. The occasional slip up is bound to happen, but if you are constantly shouting out the same old remarks, your man will quickly tire of it.

Learn to Love: How to Live Happily Ever After

New research refutes love at first sight in favor of slow-burn romance 

But, say the experts, these chance meetings we equate with true love are more likely a case of sudden-onset lust, and much to our romantic detriment, few of us know the difference.

Lust at First Sight: Be Still Those Beating Butterfly Wings

We all know what lust feels like: The corps de butterflies doing jetés in your gut. Your heart beating out of your chest. The electric spark that passes between you and your heartthrob each time you touch.

I can recall a certain yoga teacher with spiritual leanings and rock-hard abs who had me seeing double every time he adjusted my hips in downward dog. This went on for weeks without our ever speaking. One day, while leaving class, we smacked into each other in the elevator and time seemed to stand still.

Actually, the elevator had: We were struck so dumb, we’d both forgotten to push the button.

So rom-com cute! So fated! After that little incident, I devoted an unhealthy amount of work hours to daydreaming about raising our future kids on a kibbutz. (He was Israeli.) This, despite the fact that all I knew about the guy was his first name and the way his sweatpants clung to his yoga-fied behind.

Says Epstein, the PhD behind the brave new theory about learning to love, I can hardly be blamed for objectifying Yoga Dude, the same way you should let yourself off the hook for whatever tall, dark, handsome stranger you last assumed was destined to be your husband. That’s because lust at first sight does serve a purpose:

“Let’s give Mother Nature some credit here,” he says. “Lust is probably steering you right in some basic way, especially if it’s mutual. That probably means that the two of you are well-suited to create offspring.”

In other words, Mother Nature—who may actually want grandchildren more than your mom does—is selecting a mate with whom you’re genetically in sync.

But, cautions Epstein, if you let those feelings guide you, you’ll not only court heartbreak, you’ll be more likely to contribute to America’s sky-high divorce rate.

“Lust is just not enough for what most people want, which is a long-term, stable, happy relationship,” he says. “It’s actually fairly dangerous to have those feelings. Not dangerous in the sense that the person is an ax murderer. Dangerous in that we have studies—well-done lab studies—showing that when people are feeling that way, they’re blind to important characteristics of that person. That blindness proves to be fatal, figuratively, for millions of us in America.”

The Fractured Fairy Tale (Why Americans Fail at Marriage)

It turns out Americans may suffer more lust-versus-love dysphoria than the rest of the world. That’s because we’re dizzy with Disney-fed expectations.

In fact, there are several common all-American love myths we buy into without even knowing it, says Epstein: “The notion that, you know, love is mysterious.” In other words, a fated force that acts on you, not one you have any sort of control over. And that ties in, he says, “with the myth that the One is out there for you, and you’ll just live happily ever after without any real effort.”

There are literature specialists, he says, who have actually defined the plotlines of our favorite romantic comedies. “I can tell you for movies like Enchanted, what plot number it is,” says Epstein. “These plots have been very common in Western countries for the past 100 years. They seem like the truth to you. But in other countries, like Japan or India, those types of adult fairy tales don’t exist; you don’t necessarily live happily ever after in a Japanese movie.”

In other words, we, more than other women, are acculturated to believe that we’ll someday “meet cute”—say, doing sun salutations or dropping a glove walking down the street—and never look back. Let alone divorce.

After immersing himself in the subject for years, Epstein now believes the opposite to be true: “Real love, the kind I think most people really want, has to be based on psychological intimacy,” he says, “a deep knowledge of who your partner actually is, and if you are blinded by lust, it makes it harder for you to see that.”

Neurochemically speaking, even your brain is in on the act: “What’s going on is that lust triggers the neurotransmitter dopamine, which stimulates the release of testosterone, resulting in sexual desire,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking. “When you’re in a lust state, you’re looking through rose-colored glasses. You’re drunk on this chemical high. Our chemical system is built not to find anything wrong with this person.”

Certainly not the state in which you want to evaluate a potential long-term mate.

How to Make Your Marriage Merrier

Real couples explain why it’s okay to fight, flirt, and keep their distance 

Ten years ago, when they were first married, Angela Bowman, 43, and her husband, Ben Sutton, 46, concluded that they couldn’t possibly afford a two-bedroom Manhattan rental. Yet the two, who had each lived alone for years, believed that having their own private spaces was imperative. So they decided that they would keep their one-bedroom apartments and settled into a routine: The couple spends every night at his place, and in the morning, Bowman, a freelance writer who works from home, heads to her pad for the day, until dinnertime. A decade later, they’ve maintained their system and are happier than ever.

Despite the naysayers who claim that this unconventional arrangement isn’t favorable for a marriage, some experts would disagree. “There are a million different ways to be married, and everyone has to figure out what works for them,” says Richard Schiffer, PhD, a Manhattan clinical psychologist and relationship specialist. “If you spend too much time with each other, it’s inevitable that you will get on the other person’s nerves. This is saying, How can I miss you if you don’t go away?”

“People often look askance at couples who spend time independently,” says Susan Newman, PhD, a social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People Pleasing Forever. But she notes that time apart can revitalize the marriage. “Missing someone can ignite the marital spark.”

By virtue of their official union, Bowman and Sutton have an advantage. According to several recent studies, married couples were shown to live longer, suffer less depression, have more frequent sex, and be healthier in general than their nonmarried counterparts. Most people would agree that the often-cited positive attributes of marriage, like contributing a double income, sharing household responsibilities, and just being there when times get tough, can make anyone happier. But according to experts, seemingly not so positive aspects can benefit the marriage too. We investigated how these “negative” habits enhance wedded bliss.

Fight the Good Fight
“Many friends who witness my husband and me sparring say, 'I don't think you are going to make it.' But in fact, our constant conflicts have kept us together,” explains Christina Gombar, 50, a writer. “Nothing is sat on, it all comes out right away, and it's gone.” According to Newman, fighting beats fuming quietly and is a great way to air problems. It’s also an excellent way to take a stand, empathically defend an important position, and provide essential information about yourself. “The more you know, the better you can get along and develop a plan together,” says Richard Schiffer, PhD Gombar and her husband can safely be blunt with each other. “We don't take offense because it's the norm for us,” she says. “All of our friends who worried about our disagreements are divorced!”

Be a Flirt
Crystal Tatum, 38, a public-relations executive, finds that when women ogle her husband, Phil, it boosts her self-esteem. This past Halloween, she enjoyed watching two younger women approach him and comment on his good looks, saying he resembled LL Cool J. “The compliment makes me want him even more,” says Tatum. Experts agree that harmless flirting can be very productive. “In a way, it’s saying ‘Go ahead and flirt, but he’s mine.’ That makes her pretty cool,” says Schiffer. “It’s taking the position that my husband has choices, but he always comes home with me,” says Newman.

Afternoon Delight: How to Spice Up Your Relationship

I’d told my husband that I’d booked us a private session with a Pilates instructor. As we approached the nondescript beige building, Rob started asking questions: “Are you sure this is the address?” We were on a working vacation in Buenos Aires, and my bungling of Spanish had become a joke between us. “It’s where she keeps her equipment,” I said. Then Rob noticed a sign: albergue transitorio, or “temporary lodging.” “Zoe,” he said worriedly, “I think this place is for prostitutes.”

I pushed past him to reception, where I planned on ordering a “suite con hidro,” as my two expat friends had coached me. But the clerk, sitting behind bulletproof glass, was helping another couple. As we waited, Rob began to grin: “Are we getting a room?” he whispered. I giggled, still insisting that we were there for Pilates. The woman ahead of us began to laugh as well. We were all about to have sex! How embarrassing! How exciting! Her huge implanted breasts bounced, and it occurred to me that she actually did look like a hooker. Her companion was talking on his phone: something, something “puta”—in plain English, “whore.” I stopped laughing.

I’d been assured that all sorts of people frequent telos (“love hotels” is the closest English translation)—young couples who live with their parents, married people having affairs, and couples with children who want peace and privacy, like my husband and me. According to an organization that represents telos, there are 180 of them in Buenos Aires alone, ranging from the modest El Paraiso I’d chosen, where a basic room—bed and small bath—costs about 40 pesos ($10) for three hours, to the deluxe General Paz, where rooms can fetch $115. General Paz features private elevators that lead directly from an underground parking lot into an elegantly appointed suite—perfect for trysts between, say, South Carolina governors and their Argentine soul mates.

There are telos with themed rooms for fetishists—featuring blackboards and miniature desks or faux-jeweled Oriental boudoirs. At Caravelle, in the trendy Palermo Soho neighborhood, you can get in touch with your superpowers in the bat cave. Other telos cater to gay couples, provide extra beds for orgies, or come with special chairs that look like a cross between something you’d find at the dentist’s and the gynecologist’s offices. Our 55-peso room was pretty vanilla, with a large Jacuzzi (hidro) on the first level and a bed and wall-mounted TV up a small flight of stairs. The windows were darkened, blocking out the bright sun of a South American afternoon.

When we got inside, I sniffed the air and scanned the tiled floor. Everything looked and smelled reasonably clean, but I couldn’t shake the memory of the guy preening to his friend on the phone. Rob sat on the bed and gingerly bounced up and down. The prospect of afternoon sex in a cheap hotel room seemed to make him alternately nervous and excited. He reached to take my hand. “Want a massage?”

I pulled away and crossed my arms. “Did you catch that guy calling the girl a ‘puta’?” “Not puta,” Rob replied. “Punto. ‘Al Punto del amor.’ I think he was telling his friend that he had to go because he was ‘on the point of love.’”

“On the point of love,” I repeated. I liked the sound of that. I sat down next to Rob and nodded toward the TV. “So do you think they have a porn channel?”

With our responsibilities locked outside the red metal door and three hours alone, we made love that afternoon with a level of abandon and enthusiasm that I hadn’t felt since our early dating days. Oh yeah, I thought with a smack-in-the-forehead revelation, I’m hot for this man.

Over the next few weeks, Rob and I returned to telos twice more. We’d made sex dates in the past—scheduling around work deadlines or favorite TV shows (pathetic, I know)—but it was hard not to view them as another item for my to-do list. In Buenos Aires, I looked forward to our “Pilates,” wondering which room we’d get and what would happen. I was fantasizing—fantasizing—about having sex with my husband.

The anonymity and knowledge that everyone was there for the same purpose freed us from both our workaday selves and our usual inhibitions. Whether it was a willingness to try new positions or role-play, what happened in the telo stayed in the telo: It didn’t become a new staple on the married-sex diet. We could be whomever we wanted. On our second excursion, I was Adriana and Rob, Pablo. We’d met online and made a date for sex. When I found him sitting on the bench out front, I told him that he looked even cuter in person. When we got to the room, he wondered aloud if the gorgeous Paraguayan chambermaid in the hall (very much flesh and blood) might be persuaded to join us. “Hmmm,” I cooed. “Maybe you should ask.”

Rob started for the door. “Wait!” I said. “Aren’t we just pretending?” I wasn’t able to leave my regular self that far behind, after all, but she (and her evening turndown service) provided much fodder for that afternoon.

Back in Brooklyn, reminiscing about those languorous afternoons, Rob and I have concocted a new fantasy: Turning the rentals in our brownstone into a mini telo. We start working through what we’d charge, how many turns we could expect per day, and we get excited. The extra cash! The good deed for parents! But who are we kidding? Between tea parties on one end and Tiger Woods on the other, there’s no room in American culture for a clean, discreet place devoted exclusively to having sex. What in Buenos Aires had seemed so sane and normal looked slightly tawdry here. What would our neighbors think? We imagine the campaign: NSIMBY- No Sex in My Backyard.

Revealed! 14 Real-World Secrets of a Happy Couples

Check out these tiny truths guaranteed to bring couples closer in a big way.

1. "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it."
--Former President Lyndon B. Johnson

 

2. "Find the good and praise it."
--Author Alex Haley

3. "Good wine, chocolate truffles and a subtitled foreign film the kids will hate. To me, those nights are what make a marriage heavenly."
--Kirsten, Edison, NJ

 

4. "To keep the fire burning brightly, there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart for breathing room."
--Marnie Reed Crowell, nature writer

5. "If my wife wants more than a peck on the cheek, she'll grab me and kiss me. Don't expect your partner to know and do everything you want. Go for it yourself."
--Steve Brody, Ph.D., an author of Renew Your Marriage at Midlife

6. "Never stop holding hands."
--Jan, via email

7. "At certain hours our bedroom is off-limits to our kids. You have to create sanctuaries where couple time is sacred."
--Rafael, New York

 

8. "We swap plates in the middle of a meal at a restaurant. That just seems like the epitome of a great marriage."
--Miranda, Los Angeles

9. "Young love is loving someone because of what they do right; mature love is loving someone in spite of what they do wrong."
--Mark Goulston, M.D., author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship

 

10. "A happy marriage is one in which you both know you're going to run into rough patches, but you're committed to working through them. What comes afterward is truly wonderful."
--Robert Epstein, research professor at the California School of Professional Psychology

11. "Giving each other a get-out-of-jail-free pass for skipping a visit with the in-laws."
--Cara, via email

12. "Couples in happy marriages don't insist on having similar interests. They celebrate their differences."
--Ted Huston, Ph.D., professor at University of Texas, Austin

13. "A hot robe right out of the dryer after a shower on a cold morning. My wife started this ritual years ago, and it says volumes about how far we'll go to make each other happy."
--Murphy, Portland, ME

14. "We touch and tickle each other all the time."
--Sharon, Costa Mesa, CA