Love is When..you empathise!!

Love is When..you empathise!!
Love is When..you empathise, forgive unconditionally!!

Love is..when you make exception!!

Love is..when you make exception!!

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oo..oo

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Love Is When

Love Is When
Love Is When

******To show that love is true, stop talking, start showing and feeling ******

******To show that love is true, stop talking, start showing and feeling ******

Medicine for Humans

Medicine for Humans
Love overdose



Love Lessons



Love Makes it Impossible to Sleep


You Can Be Your Own Worst Enemy

Love Isn't Easy

Lost Love Can Be Haunting

Love Really is All You Need

Being in Love Means You -
Never Fight Alone

You Have To Be Willing To Take a Chance


Love Gone Wrong is a Kind of Prison

A Broken Heart Leaves Scars


Love Never Really Fades


  • 50 First Dates (2004)
  • A Lot Like Love (2005)
  • A Walk to Remember (2002)
  • A Walk to Remember - Nicholas Sparks
  • Across the Universe (2007)
  • America’s Sweethearts (2001)
  • Armageddon (1998)
  • As You Like It - William Shakespeare
  • Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
  • Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
  • Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
  • Bridget Jones's Diary (Bridget Jones, #1) - Helen Fielding
  • Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason - Helen Fielding
  • Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)
  • Brokeback Mountain (2005)
  • Casablanca (1943)
  • City of Angels (1998)
  • Cruel Intentions (1999)
  • Dirty Dancing (1987)
  • Emma - Jane Austen
  • Ever After (1998)
  • Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
  • Gone With the Wind (1941)
  • Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
  • Grease (1978)
  • How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
  • I'm In No Mood For Love I'm In No Mood For Love (Writer Friends, #2) - Rachel Gibson
  • If Only (2004)
  • Just Like Heaven (2005)
  • Love Actually (2003)
  • Love Story (1970)
  • Love Story - Eric Segal
  • Match Me If You Can Match Me If You Can (Chicago Stars, #6) - Susan Elizabeth Phillips
  • Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
  • Mr. Darcy's Diary - Amanda Grange
  • Never Been Kissed (1999)
  • Notting Hill (1999)
  • P.S. I Love You (2007)
  • Pretty Woman
  • Pride And Prejudice - Jane Austen
  • PS, I Love You - Cecelia Ahern
  • Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare
  • Rules of Attraction Rules of Attraction (Perfect Chemistry, #2) - Simone Elkeles
  • Runaway Bride (1999)
  • Sex and the City the Movie (2008)
  • Shakespeare in Love (1999)
  • Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
  • Something’s Gotta Give (2003)
  • Sweet Home Alabama (2002)
  • The Accidental Husband
  • The Notebook
  • The Perfect Man (2004)
  • The Tempest - William Shakespeare
  • The Way We Were
  • The Wedding Date(2005)
  • The Wedding Planner (2001)
  • The Wedding Singer (1998)
  • There’s Something About Mary (1998)
  • Titanic (1997).
  • Truly Madly Yours Truly Madly Yours - Rachel Gibson
  • When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
  • When Harry Met Sally (1989)
  • While You Were Sleeping (1995)
  • Working Girl (1988)
  • You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Friendship personalities of sun signs

We laugh, we cry; we fight and we make-up. We also hold grudges and keep secrets. But then soon enough, we pour our hearts out. We stand by each other in toughest times and on the lowest days. And, yet we make fun of each-other. We are friends!

The cousins we get to choose for ourselves, our alter-egos, our friends play a distinctive role in shaping our choices, preferences and even our personalities. One of the most important influences in our lives, friends are like colours – adding not just beauty and variety to our lives, but also substance and support.

Let's get to know them even better with the Sun Sign-wise guide to friendship personalities -


ARIES
Aries is a fire sign, so independence is a part of its legacy. Happiest when they are in charge of situations, Aries natives have a competitive side that surfaces whenever they are in large groups of people. Their sharp wit and quirky sense of humour ensures that the people of all ages and temperaments connect well with them. Never at a loss for companions, they themselves are extremely selective about their own friend circle. It's definitely going to be a night to remember when friends step out with these fun-loving, flamboyant rock-stars. However, the Aries' need for variety kicks in soon after, and then, the Aries natives are perfectly capable of moving onto a new set of friends, especially if they are bored. Ruled by the First House, the house of Self, Aries tend to put their own needs first, though not intentionally. This should cast no shadow of doubt on their reliability as friends, as they may not share that last piece of chocolate, but they will always be there for their friends, even at 4 am.



TAURUS
There's an inner genuineness to Taurus that shines through, and naturally attracts people to them. They believe that friends are a great source of learning and support, and pride themselves on their stimulating and eternal friendships. They are often the ones with kindergarten friends, who can regale each other with stories from the past, and share an enviable unspoken understanding. They exemplify the phrase 'friends for life', playing varied roles of protector, entertainer, and critic as the need may be. They are steady and devoted, and their friendship is sure to stand the test of time. Without a demur, complaint, or rebuke, they will be there when they are needed, and will expect the same commitment from their friends. They are not big believers in the concept of 'complete space' in relationships, so they want to be involved in everything that matters to their friends. They can be the most wonderful friends if only their feelings are correctly understood. They are sensitive to the slightest snub, and will ably hide their insecurity below a smiling countenance, so friends will need to be careful to not take their undying loyalty for granted.



GEMINI
Gemini is one sign that seems tailor-made for friendship. Immensely popular on the social circuit, they swing between playing the dual roles of entertainers and intellectuals. This explains why they have a diverse set of friends - many groups for their many moods. They have two sides, and their friends need to know them well enough to assess the mood they are in. When they are in the mood for some moments of silence, nothing can lure them to a night around town. Similarly, when they are dressed to kill, they will ensure the night has no end. They love hanging out, and if their friends can tune into their wacky frequencies, they will be entertained to the hilt. With a mercurial temperament, Gemini is instantly attracted to intelligent people, and these relationships have the potential of becoming bonds for a lifetime. They are always open to adventures, so they have a different interesting perspective on most things. They are big on communication and would love spending time with someone they can match wits with. Optimistic and outgoing, they can create extraordinarily positive environments and help people see the brighter side of life.



CANCER
Many adjectives have been used to describe Cancer's sensitivity, but none of them can truly capture the essence of this soft-spoken sign's persona. They are definitely one of the more emotional signs of the zodiac, but that speaks volumes for the genuineness of their affections. They are loyal friends and while they may not express their feelings much, they will stand by their loved ones come what may. Being ruled by the moon necessitates that they are subject to swift mood changes, and they may be found smack in the middle of a boisterous group one moment, while the next moment they will be sitting by the windowsill deeply lost in thought. Nostalgia is a mood-booster for them, and they can often be seen poring over old photo albums, reliving their past. Their aesthetic side takes over when it comes to decorating their houses or setting up a kitchen garden, and they pride themselves on their fine taste. The doors to Cancer's home are always open for friends, especially those who shower them with the love and understanding that Cancer deserves. Their feelings are easily hurt, so close pals may need to treat them with kid gloves until they are completely secure in the relationship.



LEO
If there were a sign of the zodiac that could personify sunshine, Leo would be it. Outspoken and dramatic, they don't believe in beating about the bush, a quality that wins them as many admirers as it does critics. Completely at home in the spotlight, they love soaking up the attention and being surrounded by people. They are immensely supportive friends, always keeping one eye open for opportunities that can help their loved ones excel. Easygoing and quick-witted, they are a treat to hang out with, so it goes without saying that they have a huge social circle. They are generous to a fault, and will happily foot the bill for their friends, as long as they are not taken for granted. Leo is never going to settle for anything less than what they want, be it a dinner date, a designer dress, or a summer vacation. Their friends quickly learn to appreciate their charming and playful nature, and realize that the best way to have a fun time is to go along with the flow. Their competitive side rears its head occasionally when they feel that their friends are stealing their thunder, but they soon regain their sunny disposition and laud their friends for their achievements.



VIRGO
There's a softness to Virgo that reflects on their countenances, and people cannot help trusting these gentle souls. It doesn't hurt that they are always full of relevant advice, and will swear to keep your secrets until their dying day. They are definitely the most helpful friends a person could wish for - the ones who can make a detailed itinerary when you're on vacation, and a shopping list when you're going to the grocery store. They are very particular about details, and love creating order out of chaos. Virgo is the best friend to have in an emergency, as they seldom lose their composure and can think their way out of most situations. Not just that, they will foresee the loopholes in the plans they make, and plug them in advance, so they make for meticulous planners. The downside of these perfectionist buddies is that sometimes they stress so much over the minutest detail, that they can drive their friends up the wall. They are not proponents of PDA; their affections are felt rather than seen, and they may be embarrassed by shows of appreciation.



LIBRA
Punctuality is definitely not a virtue where Libra is concerned. Not that it's their fault; they are merely victims of analysis paralysis. When they do eventually turn up, they will apologize with such grace and genuine regret that their friends will be hard put to stay mad at them. Smooth talkers with a positive take on everything under the sun, they can effortlessly charm their way into any situation. Resourceful and always ready to help, they are your best bet when you need something double-quick. And with the kind of bonds they form, their friends will never refuse them any favours. With their high levels of intellect and awareness, they are great friends to have and provide their friends with constant entertainment. Libra is a people's person, and alone time is totally not on their agenda. This may result in them being demanding of their friends' attention and time, but with the way they pamper their friends, who's going to complain? Swanky hotspots, dream vacations, designer threads, and A-list personalities – all these are an integral part of the Libra friendship plan. Friends swear by their taste in clothes, often hauling them off for shopping sprees.



SCORPIO
There is an aura of mystery that surrounds Scorpio, a quality that greatly intrigues their friends. They may be selective about opening up in matters close to their heart, and tend to hold back until they are sure their friends will not judge them. This also leads to frequent misunderstandings, as friends remain in the dark about the intensity of their feelings. Once friends have proved they are worthy of the Scorpio's affections, they can be assured of a companion for life. They are quite comfortable on their own, so they don't have many close friendships, but are possessive about the few they do. They are loyalty personified and will defend their friends come hell or high water, but they also expect a reciprocal allegiance. Forgive and forget is clearly not their motto and they will make a virtual note of any slight, so friends need to be doubly careful with their words and actions. They are scornful of flattery but have great respect for genuine praise, so when they appreciate something, you can be sure they mean it. With their secretive natures and intense emotions, Scorpio friends are anything but predictable.



SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius is a sign that is fascinated by the very thought of learning, and any friend who can feed their eternal hunger for knowledge is a friend worth holding on to. Their interactions with their friends provide them with food for thought, and they keep an open mind so they can absorb everything they hear, see, and read. This is also the reason why they have a large and diverse set of friends. With their endless observations on culture and philosophy, Sagittarius can be an extremely interesting companion to have along on a journey. They get a high out of adventures so if you're game, they will take you on the ride of your life. Entertainment will be on the house when they are around, and friends will spend many side-splitting moments with these natural madcaps, even if the laughter is at their expense. Their love for the unique ensures they try out loads of hobbies and adventure sports, and needless to say, they will make friends there too. Friends can rely on Sagittarius blindly; they never hold a grudge, or tomtom a favour, and will be there for their friends when they need them irrespective of time or distance.



CAPRICORN
Capricorn is hardly the type to waste time on frivolities, as they are extremely clear of what they want and where they want to be. Often, they are so caught up in getting to their goals that they may come across as snooty, but this could not be further from the truth. Resourceful and capable, they will spare no expense when their friends need something. Their practical instincts kick in when they are asked for advice, and they can sit up all night with their friends to help them put their lives in order. They are not really the risk takers of the zodiac, and would happily trade an adventurous option for a tried and tested one. Although they are loners by nature, they manage to rustle up quite a few close relationships. Traditional and responsible, they have a very strong sense of the role they play in society, and are extremely dependable. Never one to wear emotions on the sleeve, Capricorn is a loyal friend and partner, and never goes back on a promise. They also have great respect for people who have come up the hard way, and are dedicated to their professions. With a fine sense of humour and their typical deadpan expressions, they manage to get away with biting sarcasm.



AQUARIUS
If you judge Aquarius by the number of friends they have, you would assume they are the most easygoing people to be with. This assumption is not far off the mark, but it is certainly circumstantial. In reality, they keep their cards extremely close to their chest, and it is very few people who have the privilege of sharing their secrets. They may be generous and caring individuals, who can go out of their way to help even strangers, but they can distance themselves from their loved ones in a flash. For someone with so many friends, Aquarius is strangely not desirous of being in the limelight. They would happily work behind the scenes when they see someone in need, and are embarrassed by demonstrations of gratitude. They love surprising their friends with little treats and expect nothing in return. The only prerequisite is that they should be the ones making the decisions, be it the cuisine for a night out, the colour of a shirt, or a weekend destination. Friends can safely assume they are headed for a good time, because Aquarius is blessed with impeccable taste and an eye for beauty. All will be well in paradise as long as their friends don't cling too tight or try to dispute their decisions; any restrictions or dissent will instantly get their hackles up.



PISCES
There's a whole new world that Pisces inhabits, and they often scuttle off there to sort out their thoughts. Caring and sensitive, they are the best people to turn to when you want to vent your frustrations or get advice on a new relationship. There isn't an iota of superficiality to the Pisces concern; they truly want to understand what you're feeling so that they can make you feel better with the appropriate response. Armed with hypersensitive intuition and a knack of knowing just what to say, they can be the best buddies ever. They will never complain when they are flooded with sob stories, and will patiently hear out every one, often offering pertinent advice. They expect their friends to tell them their troubles because they are extremely open with their emotions themselves. Their vulnerability may be their Achilles Heel however, as this opens them up to being manipulated or getting hurt. They are not superhuman after all; they have insecurities too, and need as much reassurance as anyone else. Once left to their own devices, they can surprise friends with their creative ideas, and make them see a dream world that takes their minds off their worries.


How your sun sign affects the way you fall in love.

Aries dives in with a thunderbolt of passion, and they won’t be slowed down for an instant. They’ll jump in with both feet, declare their undying love and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully they’ll have picked a lover who likes being swept off their feet!

Taurus never moves fast. These folks like to take their time, so their neon-lit moment may take a while to catch fire. But once they’ve decided, they won’t be put off by any resistance or coyness from the apple of their eye -- they’ll stick around until they get what they want.

Gemini often hears bells and whistles, but they’re familiar with their own fickleness and may hold back until they’re sure it’s not just another passing whim. In the interim, they’ll chat so entertainingly that their potential lover will become smitten before long.

Cancer is definitely driven by their feelings ... but they’re also highly self-protective. They’ll approach their beloved cautiously and in the best crab-like fashion: sideways! This means that they’ll test the waters by introducing their new love interest to their family for approval before declaring their singular devotion.

Leo wears their heart on their sleeve. They certainly don’t like being rebuffed, but amid all their enthusiasm, they probably won’t consider that a possibility! They’ll shower their newfound love with compliments, expensive dinners and objets d’amour -- and expect a commitment within the week.

Virgo doesn’t go in for impulse decisions when it comes to love; rather, they’ll review their prospect with a somewhat detached eye as they try to spot any flaws. They’ll then likely persuade themselves that imperfections are a part of life and need to be accepted. And if the physical attraction is strong enough at the start, they’ll surely tumble head over heels.

Libra is known for their cool demeanor and indecisiveness, so they can often talk themselves out of love. They’ll weigh the pluses and minuses and think through all possible options -- and if their choice is still there after all this careful consideration, they might just allow themselves to fall hard.

Despite being a fixed sign, Scorpio can instantly go off the deep end when it comes to love. They’re quite intuitive and are rarely wrong about a prospective partner’s reactions. Conversely, they’re also very self-protective and insist on receiving positive feedback before laying their heart on the line.

Sagittarius is fiery to the point of recklessness, and rarely hesitates right out of the gate in a new relationship. In fact, it seems as if they have a guardian angel on their shoulder to make love happen the way they want. The Archer is also remarkably resilient, and always remembers that if this one doesn’t work out, the next one will.

Capricorn can be surprisingly sensual, but they’re also socially ambitious. Because of this, they may experience inner conflict about whether the object of their desire will be right for their lifestyle -- now and in the future. They’re not known to move quickly, and will instead give the relationship time to develop naturally.

Intimacy makes Aquarius nervous, so the prospect of a lifelong mate is daunting. The first thing they’ll probably do is introduce their new love interest to their social circle to see how they fit in; they’ll also flaunt their independence to see whether possessiveness will be an issue. Only then will they allow the relationship to grow -- and even then, gradually.

Pisces will know immediately when their dream of romance is standing right in front of them. But being forthcoming is not a Piscean strength, so like a true Water sign, they’ll do all they can to protect their insecurities. They’ll dance around and be elusive, and only when they feel secure will they make their feelings known.

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Attract true love your way

1: Envision the relationship you want to be in:

“Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want, it will be difficult for you to create it.” “The One” offers a number of concrete exercises — such as creating a collage of lifelong dreams and writing the story of one’s life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled — that helps the reader identify his or her personal vision of a truly satisfying relationship. “It was fun to imagine the ideal life that I wanted for myself,” Carly C. says. “I enjoyed thinking about my ‘dream’ soul mate, and then relaxing and letting it go rather than struggling and feeling anxious about whether he would ever enter my life.”

2: Release any toxic ties and let go of the past:

Relationships we form “have the capacity to nurture and inspire our growth” or to “block the experience and expression of love in our lives.” Identify “toxic ties” as attachments “that cause us to lose personal power.” These attachments can include prior romantic partners, friends or relatives, and when we don’t release these “toxic ties,” they can prevent us from moving forward with our love lives and keep us from attracting a partner who nurtures and supports us. When you “Practice” “Releasing Toxic Ties,” journal about questions they may have regarding this issue, including:

  • What relationship(s), if any, do I suspect may qualify as a ‘toxic tie’ for me?
  • What fears are dominating me in this relationship?
  • What boundaries could I set that would increase the health and wellness in this relationship?

3: Set an intention for your life:

We can create a “climate in which love can ‘miraculously manifest’” by following the first three steps for setting an intention:

  1. “The first step: to have a thought and/or belief in a particular possibility.”
  2. “The second step: to speak your intention out loud.”
  3. “The third step: to take actions that support the manifestation of your intention, and abstain from those that sabotage it.”
“In other words, I believe that finding love is possible for me, and I tell those people who are capable of seeing that possibility as well (and probably even those I’m dating) that I’m committed to finding ‘The One.’ Then I do that which is consistent with that intention as well as refraining from that which is not.” The fourth step of setting an intention is letting go of the results once you’ve done the work outlined in the first three steps. In other words, now it’s time to relax and let life happen to you.

4: Write a love letter to yourself:

Imagine that you are your ideal partner and put aside a quiet half hour to write a love letter addressed to yourself. What would your partner love and notice about you? How would that person express his or her caring for you? Expect to feel resistance toward completing this exercise, but push through and see what you might learn about yourself from your letter and what your ideal relationship and partner would look like.

It is very rewarding and very eye-opening. It is all about you being ready; it’s about being in the right head space, rather than just the number of people you meet.”

5: Make a welcoming space for love in your life:

Take up a challenge to go through their homes and evaluate whether they’re welcoming environments or not. “Make a list of at least five things you can alter in your home to create a more welcoming environment for an intimate partner,”

“Add to that one or two things you do to alter your schedule so that there is some breathing room in your life to explore new relationships.”




Signs you are in
Love

Love. We all have been in love at least
once in our lives. And we all know that it does something to us.
Our body
language changes, we feel happier than usual, the world does not feel like a
hell hole anymore, and we find ourselves smiling randomly at odd hours at random
people. Love can do wonderful things to you and some of the obvious signs of
being in love are listed below.
1. She is ALWAYS on your mind
No matter
what you do or where you are, that one person will always be on your mind. It is
like they have hijacked your mind space and continue to dominate the area week
after week. In the beginning you might take this to be an obsession or even
infatuation, but if the dominance persists for a prolonged period, you can be
sure you are in love.
2. Ms. Perfect
Ever feel that she cannot do anything
wrong? That she is the one person who wouldn’t as much as hurt a fly and is
incapable of causing grief and harm to anyone on this planet? Ever find
yourself thinking that she is the best blend of talent and beauty, of compassion
and passion? If the answers to all the above is yes, you are in love!
3. Your
playlist = romantic songs
Our playlist suggests a lot about our personality.
It does not simply mirror our taste in music, but it reflects our current state
of mind as well. So if your playlist is full of love songs, then it is one major
sign of you being in love.
4. You want to spend ALL your time with her
If
you are going through a phase of wanting to meet and spend time with only one
person, then you are bitten by the love bug. People in love often don’t
feel like meeting friends/family. They simply want to spend all their time with
the person they love. If you are going through something similar, it does not
mean you are some crazy obsessive person, but it means that you want to get to
know her better and be around her all the time. So if you find yourself making
plans with her and only her every weekend, then you are in love.
5. You’re
willing to better yourself for her
For very few people in this world we are
willing to change or better ourselves. The obvious entries in this list of
people are close family members and a friend or two. If you find a girl (who is
not just your best friend) in this list then you know you are in love. If you
want to better yourself, be the best human you can possibly be for one girl then
you are definitely in love with her.


There is a difference between a "Nice Guy" and a "Good Man," as was recently brought to my attention. In a previous blog, I tried to pinpoint the characteristics of a "Nice Guy" (since I've been successful at bypassing him in life thus far), but a "Good Man" goes above and beyond our general idea of Mr. Nice Guy. His chivalry and actions, rather than words (or promises), define him as a quality human being. He's like the Platinum Card of men created in this world, and I would love to get an upgrade from my poor credit history.

So, here is my updated version of the ideal man (although, even a "nice guy" would be an upgrade from the emotionally unavailable men I keep getting issued with):

A Good man:

  • sends you warm wishes, kind words, and his best intentions because he truly cares for you. Or, he'll "say it like it is," because he cares about you.
  • takes care of his family because it's the honorable thing to do. He is a good father and provider. If he has to earn money collecting recyclables by digging in trash cans, he will. He will roll up his sleeves and shovel manure to be able to put food on the table.
  • makes you feel loved. His actions speak louder than words.
  • would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, or let you ride on his back as he takes you over the hurdles.
  • would give his life for the security of his family, or even his country. He gets upset when a soldier is discriminated against because of his sexual orientation. He makes an effort to teach his children about tolerance and compassion-- that we are all just people in this world.
  • doesn't need to sleep with hundreds of women to feel like a man. He has perfected the skills of pleasing the one woman he makes a connection with, and can turn away countless others who vie for the spot.
  • will take the high road, but would become the Tasmanian Devil to protect those he loves. He is the tamed lion you can lean on, but isn't ashamed to put on an apron to cook a feast.
  • does what is right, even if it's the hardest choice.

I want to dedicate this to a good man who, with a few short messages, breathed life back into my sails. With his warmth and compassion, he showed me that I don't miss being with someone so much as I long for the feeling of being thought of, cared about, and appreciated, most of all. The cinders are still smoldering in my heart, and I now know that I should never give up hope. Love is the most precious gift of this life. The fire in my heart will burn again. Thanks to all the good men out there who make a woman feel like a lady.

To all the other hopeful romantics: don't ever give up hope. As long as you're still breathing, life is forever changing before your eyes. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, this third act twist: the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing that all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never, ever, gave up hope.

If you're the gal who doesn't need anything (or acts like she doesn't), the kind of guy you want will NOT pick …

Needy women attract good men.

"Low-maintenance" women attract jerks…or no men at all. Is this counter to what you've always thought?
Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he'd like you?

Well, consider this: A Good Man - one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded - wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he's enhancing your already-great life.
A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That's why I said he wants to "enhance" your life, not "be" your life.)

Now, say you're the gal who doesn't need anything (or at least doesn't act like you do). Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you…but he won't marry you. If you don't leave room for him to be your hero, and you don't show that you know you're worthy of him, he will leave before you can say "Why didn't he call?"

On the other hand, let's say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word, and expect to be treated special. That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you're relationship material.

You're able to welcome him into your life, and you're confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it. Isn't it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school.

Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets the guy who doesn't want to give you anything. So here's some homework to help you decide where you stand with this.

Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions: Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn't need him and/or didn't seem to have any expectations of him?

~Are the men you're attracting the Good Guys? Are they givers or are they takers? ~Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?

~How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept?

When he doesn't call or shows up late, do you tell him it's okay because you don't want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he's telling you he's too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?

~And…how is this working for you?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Excerpt from Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way

The Truth About Happiness

Before we dig deeper into the nature of happiness, I'd like you to take a short quiz. I'm going to introduce you to three people I met during my travels, and I want you to tell me which one you think is happiest.


The first is Jan Hammer, a 42-year-old father of three girls who lives in Ã…rhus, the second largest city in Denmark. Each morning at three o'clock, his alarm clock rings, and he rolls out of the warm bed he shares with his wife of 15 years. He eats two fried eggs and toast, washes it down with a mug of coffee, and slips into a blaze orange jumpsuit. By four o'clock he's at the wheel of a high-tech garbage truck and is staring at a NASA-like dashboard with flashing buttons and multiple-view video screens. At each of 59 stops he jumps out of the cab and, with marmot-like zeal, trots from Dumpster to Dumpster and heaves fresh refuse into the hopper with the help of a hydraulic lift. "I don't even smell it anymore," he huffs, sweat seeping through his jumpsuit.


The second person is Norridah Yusoh, a 43-year-old housewife who lives with her husband and three school-age children in an apartment in Singapore. Each morning she dutifully puts on a head scarf, covering her hair as her religion requires; makes her children breakfast; prepares lunch for her husband, an accountant; and sends her family off for the day. After they're gone, she does household chores and, at midday, she might walk to a nearby food market to buy food from various vendors and stop to chat along the way. Some nights after dinner, she goes to the local McDonald's, where she socializes with other Muslim mothers as her children nibble French fries and do homework. Then, each night before bed, as tradition dictates, she kisses her husband's hand to show respect.


The third person is Manuel Uribe, a 45-year-old Mexican man who lives in a working-class neighborhood of Monterrey. Manuel has a knack for trading, a soothing facility for conversation, and a sincere compassion. He's also a big man. In fact, a combination of bad genes and a taste for junk food has ballooned his weight to the point where he's confined to a bed in the living room of his mother's house. This doesn't impede visitors. On any given day, his room is abuzz with people seeking to cut a deal, to get advice, or just to experience a dollop of Manuel's charm. At noon, Manuel's mother brings out his lunch–a lean fillet of meat and a generous helping of steamed broccoli. "It's from the Zone Diet," he says. "I've lost 200 pounds in the last year." Just then the door opens. Claudia Solis, a 30-something secretary, walks in on high heels. She puts a knee on the bed, cranes her lovely neck, and plants a pink-frosted kiss on Manuel's lips.

So what's the answer to the quiz? Which of these three people is the happiest? You've probably already guessed the answer:All three of them are happy—so happy, in fact, that, according to the latest research, they are almost certainly three of the happiest people in three of the happiest places on the planet.

How can that be?


Let's go back to the garbageman. I met Jan at six o'clock on a gray morning in the alley behind my hotel in Ã…rhus. He was emptying Dumpsters into his behemoth garbage truck. He greeted me heartily, and I could instantly tell that he was a nice guy. Pulling off a dirty cotton glove, he offered me his plump hand, which emitted the sweet-sour smell of his profession.


Later, seated in his cab, Jan punched the accelerator, and we sped through the misty Danish dawn. "You can't find a better job than delivering garbage," he whispered conspiratorially "I work only 21 hours a week and make $80,000 a year. I drive a Mercedes and take my family to Greece each year." I looked over at him. He was wearing red square-rimmed glasses, Nike running shoes, and a bracelet that read "World's Most Beautiful Garbage Man." By eight o'clock he'd be done with his route and back at the garbage truck depot, he said. After a shower, he'd hit the gym and spa provided by his workers' union. Some days, he might go to a second job where he worked as a freelance bricklayer. There he would make another $60,000 a year.


More important than the money, though, was the satisfaction he felt with his life. "I'm like the yolk of the egg!" he said, using a Danish expression for "fat and happy." In his community, there was no stigma attached to the "garbage delivery" business. On weekends, he'd socialize with the dentists and lawyers who lived on his block. Home by three o'clock every afternoon, he had time to help his three daughters with their homework. Three nights a week he'd go to a local gym, where he'd put on shorts, sneakers, a red sports shirt, and a whistle to coach his daughters' indoor soccer team. His life was rewarding and full.

As for Norridah, listen to what she said when I asked her to rate her happiness on a scale of 1 to 10: "I'm a 9.5! I have a lot of friends from a wide variety of backgrounds." This was important for her, living in Singapore, because the government there strongly encourages harmony among the nation's three major ethnic groups: Chinese, Indians, and Malays such as Norridah. "Ever since my school days, I've mixed with Chinese and Indians and learned how to make friends with all of them," she said. "Maybe I talk most with my Malay friends on the phone, but when I go out—which I do every day—I meet my Indian friends at the market or play cards with Chinese friends. My children are the same way. They don't see color or race, they see people."

"How about your tudong?" I asked, using the Malay word for a head scarf. "You live in this modern city, your husband is an accountant, your kids listen to iPods. Your scarf seems so traditional. Do you feel you're free to take if off and show your hair, if you want?"


"That is my own choice," she said, gently passing her hand over the scarf. "It's part of our religion, and it is the way of our leaders. I choose to wear it. My daughter's generation might have different ideas. But it makes me comfortable, so I wear it."


"And how about this custom of kissing your husband's hand?" I asked.


"This is a form of respecting each other," she said. "It's part of being a good Muslim. Doing it every day makes sure you're purged of guilt and grudges. I do it from the bottom of my heart, not that I have necessarily done anything wrong. It's just a show of respect. My husband reciprocates, but in his own way."

And Manuel? What was the source of his happiness? Here's what he told me:

"When I was younger, I saw an ad for an electronics company in Texas looking for technicians who could speak English," he said. "But by the time I was 35, I'd lost my savings, my auto parts business, and my wife," he said. "I bought a gun and kept it in my bed, thinking I might use it on myself. Then one night God came to me and told me I had work to do." Manuel went on a diet and started to lose weight. With his mother's consent, he had a hole punched through his bedroom wall, installed double-wide glass doors to admit the world, and unleashed his knack for deal making. Today he receives up to 70 visitors a day—clients seeking to trade everything from blue jeans to Thompson helicopters, cousins and friends stopping by for a chat, or people seeking his business advice. He doesn't have to go looking for social interaction; it comes to him.


As I sat with him one evening, his cell phone rang and he lifted the tiny device to his ear. On the other end, a desperately overweight girl was searching for hope. "If I can turn my life around," he said tenderly, "you can too, dear." When he hung up, an old friend stopped by for a visit. Then another phone call. This time it was news that the website Manuel runs had crashed. In his smooth, unflappable voice, he troubleshot the problem with the webmaster. I sat back and watched. "Does this ever end?" I asked.


"If it did, I'd be dead," he said.


A year later, Manuel married Claudia. With her help, he has lost more than 500 pounds. Life has never been better.


These three individuals—a garbageman with time for his kids, a housewife surrounded by close friends, and a junk dealer on a personal mission of faith—share a common characteristic: They all consider themselves to be "very happy."


Thriving: According to the Gallup organization, "thriving" countries are those whose citizens think positively about their lives and report more happiness, enjoyment, interest, and respect. These countries also report significantly lower rates of health problems, sick days, stress, sadness, and anger.

More than that, they all believe that they will become even happier in the years to come. Like many people, they deal with challenges every day. They experience stress, periods of sadness, and grief. Life sometimes deals them a bad hand. They are, in many ways, not so different from the rest of us. Yet somehow they experience a sense of happiness greater than ours. Researchers have a term for this positive, optimistic condition: They call such people thrivers.

What's their secret?


During the past few decades, a small army of psychologists, social scientists, and scholars have asked the same question. Through rigorous experimentation and exhaustive surveys, they've given birth to a new science of happiness, focusing not only on defining the nature of human happiness, but also on discovering ways to improve our chances for personal well-being. Before we strike off around the world to learn the lessons of the world's happiness people, let's turn to some of the leading experts to understand the scientific fundamentals of the field:


Ed Diener, Ph.D.,
is Joseph R. Smiley Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and the author of Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D.,
is a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and the author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.

Ruut Veenhoven, Ph.D.,
is director of the World Database of Happiness and editor of the Journal of Happiness Studies.

Jim Harter, Ph.D.,
is chief scientist of workplace management and well-being for Gallup and coauthor of 12: The Elements of Great Managing and Wellbeing: The Five Essential Elements.

Bruno S. Frey
is a professor of economics at the University of Zurich and research director of CREMA (Center for Research in Economics, Management and the Arts). He is the author of Happiness: A Revolution in Economics.

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi
is Distinguished Professor of Psychology and director of the Quality of Life Research Center at the Claremont Graduate University in Claremont, California.

In what follows, I've distilled ideas from their books as well as from my interviews with these experts and sorted their answers according to key questions. Here's what they told me.

What is happiness?

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi:
As many a thinker since Aristotle has said, everything we do is ultimately aimed at experiencing happiness. We don't really want wealth, or health, or fame as such—we want these things because we hope they will make us happy. But happiness we seek not because it will get us something else, but for its own sake.

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
I use the term "happiness" to refer to the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one's life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile. However, most of us don't need a definition of happiness because we instinctively know whether we are happy or not.

Ed Diener:
The word "happiness" means many things. It means positive emotions. It means life satisfaction. It means generally your life is going well. It means many different things in the different ways people use it. Everyone has this general idea. So I don't define happiness. I try to use these other, more exact terms, such as positive emotions, life satisfaction, marital satisfaction.

How do you measure happiness?

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
We let people define happiness for themselves. There's no happiness thermometer. No one else can tell you how happy you are. It's a subjective phenomenon. No one but you knows, or should tell you, how happy you truly are.

Jim Harter:
We ask people to rate the quality of their overall life today on a 0–10 ladder of life developed by Hadley Cantril of Princeton, and what they think it will be in the next five years—to tap into their "reflecting" self. The good news is that most people have a more positive view of the future than the present...maybe this keeps us striving for something better. We use responses to questions to categorize people as "thriving," "struggling," or "suffering." We also ask people to recall their experiences from the previous day. This allows us to tap into the "experiencing" self or how much positive and negative emotions and experiences people have on a typical day. These are both important aspects of well-being...the evaluating self and the experiencing self.

Ruut Veenhoven:
In my definition, happiness is how much one likes the life one lives. So if people say they are happy they are happy, unless they are lying.

Ed Diener:
The key is that each person is making the evaluation of his or her life—not an expert's, philosopher's, or somebody else's. Thus, the person herself or himself is the expert: Is my life going well, according to the standards that I choose to use?
 
Do the same things make everyone happy?

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
There are many faces of happiness. The face of happiness may be someone who is intensely curious and enthusiastic about learning; it may be someone who is engrossed in plans for his next five years; it may be someone who can distinguish between the things that matter and the things that don't; it may be someone who looks forward each night to reading to her child. Some happy people may look outwardly cheerful or transparently serene, and others are simply busy. In other words, we all have the potential to be happy, each in our own way.

Ed Diener:
Some things about happiness are universal. If everyone hates you, nobody respects you or supports you, that makes you unhappy, no matter who you are. But other things are unique. They depend on your personality. For example, I love analyzing data. Most people don't. They'd rather read a book, see a movie, or gossip. The evidence is strong that social relationships are now a basic need. The other things we talk about in terms of happiness are a little more abstract, like making progress toward your goals and values, and having purpose and meaning.

Do we have any control over our happiness?


Sonja Lyubomirsky:
On average, 50 percent of individual differences in happiness is influenced by our genetic makeup, 10 percent is influenced by our life circumstances, and 40 percent is influenced by how we think and act every day. Research has shown that each of us is born with a kind of happiness "set point," a natural predisposition for happiness that we carry throughout our lives. But that doesn't mean your happiness level cannot be changed. We can rise above our happiness set points, just as we can rise above our set points for weight or cholesterol. Genuinely happy people do not just sit around being content. They make things happen. They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts and feelings. We can also learn from others. If an unhappy person wants to experience interest, enthusiasm, contentment, peace, and joy, he or she can make it happen by learning the habits of a happy person.
 
What are the most important factors contributing to happiness?

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
We tend to look for happiness in the wrong places. What we believe would make a huge difference in our lives actually, according to scientific research, makes only a small difference, while we overlook the true sources of personal happiness and well-being. Many of us think that moving into a bigger house, securing a promotion or pay raise, or flying first class will boost our happiness. But such pleasures are fleeting, leaving us no happier than we were before. The true keys to happiness lie in changing the way we think and behave, seeking out experiences such as savoring a beautiful moment and taking a picture of it, thanking a friend, writing a gratitude journal, or performing random acts of kindness. Such habits add up to create an upward spiral that boosts happiness.

Jim Harter:
When we considered factors that explain both life evaluations and daily experiences, we found five areas that individuals can act on: career, social, financial, physical, and community. Career well-being is more than just having a job and it is relevant for people in all different life stages and situations...students, people who work in the home, people who are retired, self-subsistence farmers, and people in traditional work settings. It's really what you do with your life, how you spend your time, whether it is enjoyable and meaningful.

Ed Diener:
Here's what I would say to an auditorium of average people from Iowa (or wherever), if they asked me how to increase one's happiness: We can't control our genes, so why worry about that? We can control our behavior and our thinking, so that's what we focus on. It's not a scientific argument. It's a practical argument. Some of the most powerful things we can do involve our relationships with others.

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi:
If one wants to improve the quality of everyday life, happiness may be the wrong place to start. Other feelings are much more influenced by what one does, who one is with, or the place one happens to be. These moods are more amenable to direct change, and because they are also connected to how happy we feel, in the long run they might lift our average level of happiness. For instance, how active, strong, and alert we feel depends a lot on what we do—these feelings become more intense when we are involved with a difficult task, and they get more attenuated when we fail at what we do, or when we don't try to do anything. The quality of life does not depend on happiness alone, but also on what one does to be happy. If one fails to develop goals that give meaning to one's existence, if one does not use the mind to its fullest, then good feelings fulfill just a fraction of the potential we possess. True happiness involves the pursuit of worthy goals. Without dreams, without risks, only a trivial semblance of living can be achieved.
 
Can money buy happiness?

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
The truth is that money does make us happy. But our misunderstanding, as one happiness researcher eloquently explains, is that "we think money will bring lots of happiness for a long time, and actually it brings a little happiness for a short time." Being wealthy has its advantages, of course. But it doesn't make us dramatically happier, she explains. The richest Americans, those earning more than ten million dollars annually, report levels of personal happiness only slightly greater than the office staffs and blue-collar workers they employ. The reason may be that wealthy people are preoccupied with staying wealthy. Meanwhile, in our effortful pursuit of such dead ends to pleasure, we end up ignoring other, more effective routes to well being.

Ed Diener:
Yes, money buys happiness, but there are important exceptions. Money is more than a fixed amount of legal tender. Wealth is, in part, also about your desires. Being satisfied with your paycheck, just like being satisfied with your life, is about your point of view. Studies have shown that an individual's income is a poor predictor of their happiness. Some people with a lot of money could not meet their desires, and others with little money were able to do so. Materialistic people, that is, are seldom the happiest people because they want too much. It is generally good for your happiness to have money, but toxic to your happiness to want money too much.

Bruno Frey:
People make a mistake when it comes to predicting how much money will make them happy. Consider the individual who chooses a job with more income but a longer commute. If you get an increase in income, two-thirds to three-quarters of the happiness from that increase wears out in one year, because you get accustomed to a higher income level very quickly. But you never get used to a long commute.

Mihály Csíkszentmihályi:
Material well-being is attractive and relatively easy to attain, but there's a point of diminishing returns. Kids that value material goals beyond a certain point end up not having many friends. They become selfish and more depressed. You can't pile up more things and expect an increase in well-being. The same thing holds true for society in general. There is only a very weak relationship between finances and satisfaction with life; billionaires in America are only infinitesimally happier than those with average incomes. One conclusion that the findings seem to justify is that beyond the threshold of poverty, additional resources do not appreciably improve the chances of being happy.
  
Is happiness contagious?

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
Surrounding yourself with people who are happy is going to make you happier. Conversely, if you're married to a negative person, it's going to take a toll on you. The problem is that we adapt: We really have to work to appreciate what we have.

Ed Diener:
It's certainly true that if you're around somebody that's giving you many compliments, you start giving people compliments yourself. If you're around people who are more positive in general, you get more positive. On the other hand, when you're unhappy and you're bitching all the time, you're not just affecting yourself, you're affecting other people, too, and you're also teaching them about how to act or not act.
 
Is happiness overrated?

Ed Diener:
We actually think it's underrated, rather than overrated. We think the reason everybody wants to be happy is because it's pleasant. It just feels good. We're saying, it's not just that. If you're happy, you function better. You're more sociable. You're a better citizen. You do volunteer work. You're healthier. All these things. Conversely, if you look at really unhappy people, angry and depressed people, they don't normally function well. Angry people are disruptive in group work. Depressed people, they're withdrawn, they have no energy. Nothing sounds good to them.

Unhappy Places

According to World Values Surveys from 1995 to 2007, the 10 unhappiest places on Earth are:
1. Zimbabwe, 2. Armenia, 3. Moldova, 4. Belarus, 5. Ukraine, 6. Albania, 7. Iraq, 8. Bulgaria, 9. Georgia, 10. Russia.

Sonja Lyubomirsky:
A recent review of all the available literature has revealed that happiness does indeed have numerous positive by-products, which appear to benefit not only individuals, but families, communities, and the society at large. The benefits of happiness include higher income and superior work outcomes (e.g., greater productivity and higher quality of work); larger social rewards (e.g., more satisfying and longer marriages, more friends, stronger social support, and richer social interactions); more activity, energy, and flow; better physical health (e.g., a bolstered immune system, lowered stress levels, and less pain); and even longer life. The literature, my colleagues and I have found, also suggests that happy individuals are more creative, helpful, charitable, and self-confident; have better self-control; and show greater self-regulatory and coping abilities.

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