Marriage Repair Kit

When we fall in love, we see life in Technicolor. We nibble each other's ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole; we're connected.

But inevitably, things start to go wrong. The veil 

 of illusion falls away, and it turns out your

 partner has qualities you can't bear. Even traits 

 you once admired grate on you. Old hurts 

 resurface as you realize your partner cannot or 

 will not love and care for you as promised.

Since he no longer willingly gives you what you

 need, you try to coerce him into caring


 through  

 criticism, intimidation, shame, withdrawal,

 crying, anger—whatever works. The power 

 struggle has begun and may continue for many

 years, until you split, settle into an uneasy

 truce, or look for help, desperate to have your dream back. 

What's going on here? After reflecting deeply on

 this question, we've come to this conclusion:

 You've found what we call an Imago partner,

 someone who, we regret to say, is uniquely

 unqualified (at the moment) to give you the

 love you want. And this is what's supposed to


 happen.


The thesis is relatively simple: Although we

 think we have free choice in selecting our

 partners, our primitive brain has a

 nonnegotiable agenda to find someone who

 resembles one of our childhood caretakers in

 order to complete unfinished business. No

 matter what our parents were like or how hard

 they tried, they weren't perfect. Invariably,

 they failed to meet some of our essential


 needs, 

 which left us with an emotional wound.

Growing up, we instinctively developed a

 pattern of behavior to protect us from being

 wounded again. But at the same time, we

 continue to carry around an internal image, a

 sort of imprint of our caretakers' traits. As

 babies this imprint helped us distinguish our

 parents from other adults, much like a young

 zebra—whose mother circled it repeatedly right

 after birth—recognizes its mother's


 distinctive 

 pattern of stripes. When, as adults, we meet

 someone who fits our emotional imprint, we


 fall

 in love. Our imperfect caretakers, freeze-


dried 

 in the memories of childhood, are

 reconstituted in our partner. 

The romantic yearning we feel is the

 anticipation that our new love interest will

meet the needs our caretakers failed to


 satisfy. 

 But a problem arises immediately, because our

 partner, who also bears childhood hurts,


 enters 

 the relationship with similar expectations and

 opposite patterns of self-protection. In the

 attraction stage, we're drawn to someone

 whose defense mechanism seems

 complementary to ours because it's so

 different. But before long, our differences

 create a core conflict. To complicate matters,

 though you'd think we'd choose a partner with

 only our caretakers' positive traits, the

 negative traits are more indelibly imprinted on

 us. Unconsciously, we need to be healed by

 someone with the very deficits that hurt us in

 the first place. Since we don't understand

 what's going on, we're shocked when the awful

 truth about our beloved surfaces.

"You are already with your dream partner, but

 at the moment, he or she may be In disguise."
 

Our Imago is also likely to have the qualities—


both good and bad—that we lost in the shuffle


 of socialization. For instance, the anger you


 repressed because it was punished in your


 home, and which you unconsciously hate


 yourself for feeling, you "annex" in your


 partner. But eventually, seeing your own


 forbidden emotions in him makes you so


 uncomfortable that you criticize his quick


 temper.

All of this seems to be a recipe for disaster,


 and for a long time it was a depressing state


 of affairs that puzzled us. How can we resolve


 childhood issues if our partners wound us in


 the same ways our caretakers did and we


 ourselves are stuck in patterns that wound our


 partners?

When you're unaware of the hidden agenda of


 romantic love, it is a disaster. You


 inevitably repeat your childhood scenarios


 with the same devastating consequences. But


 when you understand that you've chosen your


 partner to heal certain wounds, and that this


 healing is the key to the end of longing,


 you've taken the first step on the journey to


 real love.

It's crucial to accept the hard truth that


 incompatibility is the norm for relationships.


 Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying


defenses. It's only when you don't have this


 knowledge that conflict is destructive. (We


 believe that couples who claim never to argue


 are often shying away from intimacy; instead


 of sharing all of themselves, they may develop


 parallel lives.)

Romantic love is supposed to end. It's the glue


 that initially bonds two incompatible people


 so they can begin to do what needs to be done


 to heal each other. The good news is that the


 power struggle is also supposed to end. The


 emotional bond created by romantic love


 evolves into a powerful organic bond through


 the process of resolving conflict.

With self-awareness we can correct what has


 gone wrong. But a conscious relationship isn't


 for the fainthearted. It requires reclaiming


 the lost, repressed parts of ourselves that we


 were told were dangerous. And it means


 learning coping mechanisms that are more


 effective than the crying or anger or


 withdrawal that has become habitual. It means


 reconnecting through honest conversation and


 extending ourselves to give our partners what


 they need to heal. This is not easy, but it works.

Relationships aren't born of love, but of need;


 real love is born in relationships. You are


 already with your dream partner, but at the


 moment, he or she may be in disguise—and, like


 you, in pain. (If your partner is abusive, you


 need to recognize your part in the attraction


 and learn how to keep yourself emotionally and


 physically safe. Unless you're conscious of


 the dynamic, you might think divorce will


 solve your problems—only to select another


 partner with similar characteristics.) A


 conscious, honest relationship can restore


 your sense of aliveness and wholeness, and set


 you on the path of real love.