50 First Dates (2004)
A Lot Like Love (2005)
A Walk to Remember (2002)
A Walk to Remember - Nicholas Sparks
Across the Universe (2007)
America’s Sweethearts (2001)
Armageddon (1998)
As You Like It - William Shakespeare
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)
Bridget Jones's Diary (Bridget Jones, #1) - Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason - Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Casablanca (1943)
City of Angels (1998)
Cruel Intentions (1999)
Dirty Dancing (1987)
Emma - Jane Austen
Ever After (1998)
Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
Gone With the Wind (1941)
Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
Grease (1978)
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
I'm In No Mood For Love I'm In No Mood For Love (Writer Friends, #2) - Rachel Gibson
If Only (2004)
Just Like Heaven (2005)
Love Actually (2003)
Love Story (1970)
Love Story - Eric Segal
Match Me If You Can Match Me If You Can (Chicago Stars, #6) - Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
Mr. Darcy's Diary - Amanda Grange
Never Been Kissed (1999)
Notting Hill (1999)
P.S. I Love You (2007)
Pretty Woman
Pride And Prejudice - Jane Austen
PS, I Love You - Cecelia Ahern
Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare
Rules of Attraction Rules of Attraction (Perfect Chemistry, #2) - Simone Elkeles
Runaway Bride (1999)
Sex and the City the Movie (2008)
Shakespeare in Love (1999)
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Something’s Gotta Give (2003)
Sweet Home Alabama (2002)
The Accidental Husband
The Notebook
The Perfect Man (2004)
The Tempest - William Shakespeare
The Way We Were
The Wedding Date(2005)
The Wedding Planner (2001)
The Wedding Singer (1998)
There’s Something About Mary (1998)
Titanic (1997).
Truly Madly Yours Truly Madly Yours - Rachel Gibson
When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
While You Were Sleeping (1995)
Working Girl (1988)
You’ve Got Mail (1998)

Friendship personalities of sun signs

We laugh, we cry; we fight and we make-up. We also hold grudges and keep secrets. But then soon enough, we pour our hearts out. We stand by each other in toughest times and on the lowest days. And, yet we make fun of each-other. We are friends!

The cousins we get to choose for ourselves, our alter-egos, our friends play a distinctive role in shaping our choices, preferences and even our personalities. One of the most important influences in our lives, friends are like colours – adding not just beauty and variety to our lives, but also substance and support.

Let's get to know them even better with the Sun Sign-wise guide to friendship personalities -

ARIES
Aries is a fire sign, so independence is a part of its legacy. Happiest when they are in charge of situations, Aries natives have a competitive side that surfaces whenever they are in large groups of people. Their sharp wit and quirky sense of humour ensures that the people of all ages and temperaments connect well with them. Never at a loss for companions, they themselves are extremely selective about their own friend circle. It's definitely going to be a night to remember when friends step out with these fun-loving, flamboyant rock-stars. However, the Aries' need for variety kicks in soon after, and then, the Aries natives are perfectly capable of moving onto a new set of friends, especially if they are bored. Ruled by the First House, the house of Self, Aries tend to put their own needs first, though not intentionally. This should cast no shadow of doubt on their reliability as friends, as they may not share that last piece of chocolate, but they will always be there for their friends, even at 4 am.

TAURUS
There's an inner genuineness to Taurus that shines through, and naturally attracts people to them. They believe that friends are a great source of learning and support, and pride themselves on their stimulating and eternal friendships. They are often the ones with kindergarten friends, who can regale each other with stories from the past, and share an enviable unspoken understanding. They exemplify the phrase 'friends for life', playing varied roles of protector, entertainer, and critic as the need may be. They are steady and devoted, and their friendship is sure to stand the test of time. Without a demur, complaint, or rebuke, they will be there when they are needed, and will expect the same commitment from their friends. They are not big believers in the concept of 'complete space' in relationships, so they want to be involved in everything that matters to their friends. They can be the most wonderful friends if only their feelings are correctly understood. They are sensitive to the slightest snub, and will ably hide their insecurity below a smiling countenance, so friends will need to be careful to not take their undying loyalty for granted.

GEMINI
Gemini is one sign that seems tailor-made for friendship. Immensely popular on the social circuit, they swing between playing the dual roles of entertainers and intellectuals. This explains why they have a diverse set of friends - many groups for their many moods. They have two sides, and their friends need to know them well enough to assess the mood they are in. When they are in the mood for some moments of silence, nothing can lure them to a night around town. Similarly, when they are dressed to kill, they will ensure the night has no end. They love hanging out, and if their friends can tune into their wacky frequencies, they will be entertained to the hilt. With a mercurial temperament, Gemini is instantly attracted to intelligent people, and these relationships have the potential of becoming bonds for a lifetime. They are always open to adventures, so they have a different interesting perspective on most things. They are big on communication and would love spending time with someone they can match wits with. Optimistic and outgoing, they can create extraordinarily positive environments and help people see the brighter side of life.

CANCER
Many adjectives have been used to describe Cancer's sensitivity, but none of them can truly capture the essence of this soft-spoken sign's persona. They are definitely one of the more emotional signs of the zodiac, but that speaks volumes for the genuineness of their affections. They are loyal friends and while they may not express their feelings much, they will stand by their loved ones come what may. Being ruled by the moon necessitates that they are subject to swift mood changes, and they may be found smack in the middle of a boisterous group one moment, while the next moment they will be sitting by the windowsill deeply lost in thought. Nostalgia is a mood-booster for them, and they can often be seen poring over old photo albums, reliving their past. Their aesthetic side takes over when it comes to decorating their houses or setting up a kitchen garden, and they pride themselves on their fine taste. The doors to Cancer's home are always open for friends, especially those who shower them with the love and understanding that Cancer deserves. Their feelings are easily hurt, so close pals may need to treat them with kid gloves until they are completely secure in the relationship.

LEO
If there were a sign of the zodiac that could personify sunshine, Leo would be it. Outspoken and dramatic, they don't believe in beating about the bush, a quality that wins them as many admirers as it does critics. Completely at home in the spotlight, they love soaking up the attention and being surrounded by people. They are immensely supportive friends, always keeping one eye open for opportunities that can help their loved ones excel. Easygoing and quick-witted, they are a treat to hang out with, so it goes without saying that they have a huge social circle. They are generous to a fault, and will happily foot the bill for their friends, as long as they are not taken for granted. Leo is never going to settle for anything less than what they want, be it a dinner date, a designer dress, or a summer vacation. Their friends quickly learn to appreciate their charming and playful nature, and realize that the best way to have a fun time is to go along with the flow. Their competitive side rears its head occasionally when they feel that their friends are stealing their thunder, but they soon regain their sunny disposition and laud their friends for their achievements.

VIRGO
There's a softness to Virgo that reflects on their countenances, and people cannot help trusting these gentle souls. It doesn't hurt that they are always full of relevant advice, and will swear to keep your secrets until their dying day. They are definitely the most helpful friends a person could wish for - the ones who can make a detailed itinerary when you're on vacation, and a shopping list when you're going to the grocery store. They are very particular about details, and love creating order out of chaos. Virgo is the best friend to have in an emergency, as they seldom lose their composure and can think their way out of most situations. Not just that, they will foresee the loopholes in the plans they make, and plug them in advance, so they make for meticulous planners. The downside of these perfectionist buddies is that sometimes they stress so much over the minutest detail, that they can drive their friends up the wall. They are not proponents of PDA; their affections are felt rather than seen, and they may be embarrassed by shows of appreciation.

LIBRA
Punctuality is definitely not a virtue where Libra is concerned. Not that it's their fault; they are merely victims of analysis paralysis. When they do eventually turn up, they will apologize with such grace and genuine regret that their friends will be hard put to stay mad at them. Smooth talkers with a positive take on everything under the sun, they can effortlessly charm their way into any situation. Resourceful and always ready to help, they are your best bet when you need something double-quick. And with the kind of bonds they form, their friends will never refuse them any favours. With their high levels of intellect and awareness, they are great friends to have and provide their friends with constant entertainment. Libra is a people's person, and alone time is totally not on their agenda. This may result in them being demanding of their friends' attention and time, but with the way they pamper their friends, who's going to complain? Swanky hotspots, dream vacations, designer threads, and A-list personalities – all these are an integral part of the Libra friendship plan. Friends swear by their taste in clothes, often hauling them off for shopping sprees.

SCORPIO
There is an aura of mystery that surrounds Scorpio, a quality that greatly intrigues their friends. They may be selective about opening up in matters close to their heart, and tend to hold back until they are sure their friends will not judge them. This also leads to frequent misunderstandings, as friends remain in the dark about the intensity of their feelings. Once friends have proved they are worthy of the Scorpio's affections, they can be assured of a companion for life. They are quite comfortable on their own, so they don't have many close friendships, but are possessive about the few they do. They are loyalty personified and will defend their friends come hell or high water, but they also expect a reciprocal allegiance. Forgive and forget is clearly not their motto and they will make a virtual note of any slight, so friends need to be doubly careful with their words and actions. They are scornful of flattery but have great respect for genuine praise, so when they appreciate something, you can be sure they mean it. With their secretive natures and intense emotions, Scorpio friends are anything but predictable.

SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius is a sign that is fascinated by the very thought of learning, and any friend who can feed their eternal hunger for knowledge is a friend worth holding on to. Their interactions with their friends provide them with food for thought, and they keep an open mind so they can absorb everything they hear, see, and read. This is also the reason why they have a large and diverse set of friends. With their endless observations on culture and philosophy, Sagittarius can be an extremely interesting companion to have along on a journey. They get a high out of adventures so if you're game, they will take you on the ride of your life. Entertainment will be on the house when they are around, and friends will spend many side-splitting moments with these natural madcaps, even if the laughter is at their expense. Their love for the unique ensures they try out loads of hobbies and adventure sports, and needless to say, they will make friends there too. Friends can rely on Sagittarius blindly; they never hold a grudge, or tomtom a favour, and will be there for their friends when they need them irrespective of time or distance.

CAPRICORN
Capricorn is hardly the type to waste time on frivolities, as they are extremely clear of what they want and where they want to be. Often, they are so caught up in getting to their goals that they may come across as snooty, but this could not be further from the truth. Resourceful and capable, they will spare no expense when their friends need something. Their practical instincts kick in when they are asked for advice, and they can sit up all night with their friends to help them put their lives in order. They are not really the risk takers of the zodiac, and would happily trade an adventurous option for a tried and tested one. Although they are loners by nature, they manage to rustle up quite a few close relationships. Traditional and responsible, they have a very strong sense of the role they play in society, and are extremely dependable. Never one to wear emotions on the sleeve, Capricorn is a loyal friend and partner, and never goes back on a promise. They also have great respect for people who have come up the hard way, and are dedicated to their professions. With a fine sense of humour and their typical deadpan expressions, they manage to get away with biting sarcasm.

AQUARIUS
If you judge Aquarius by the number of friends they have, you would assume they are the most easygoing people to be with. This assumption is not far off the mark, but it is certainly circumstantial. In reality, they keep their cards extremely close to their chest, and it is very few people who have the privilege of sharing their secrets. They may be generous and caring individuals, who can go out of their way to help even strangers, but they can distance themselves from their loved ones in a flash. For someone with so many friends, Aquarius is strangely not desirous of being in the limelight. They would happily work behind the scenes when they see someone in need, and are embarrassed by demonstrations of gratitude. They love surprising their friends with little treats and expect nothing in return. The only prerequisite is that they should be the ones making the decisions, be it the cuisine for a night out, the colour of a shirt, or a weekend destination. Friends can safely assume they are headed for a good time, because Aquarius is blessed with impeccable taste and an eye for beauty. All will be well in paradise as long as their friends don't cling too tight or try to dispute their decisions; any restrictions or dissent will instantly get their hackles up.

PISCES
There's a whole new world that Pisces inhabits, and they often scuttle off there to sort out their thoughts. Caring and sensitive, they are the best people to turn to when you want to vent your frustrations or get advice on a new relationship. There isn't an iota of superficiality to the Pisces concern; they truly want to understand what you're feeling so that they can make you feel better with the appropriate response. Armed with hypersensitive intuition and a knack of knowing just what to say, they can be the best buddies ever. They will never complain when they are flooded with sob stories, and will patiently hear out every one, often offering pertinent advice. They expect their friends to tell them their troubles because they are extremely open with their emotions themselves. Their vulnerability may be their Achilles Heel however, as this opens them up to being manipulated or getting hurt. They are not superhuman after all; they have insecurities too, and need as much reassurance as anyone else. Once left to their own devices, they can surprise friends with their creative ideas, and make them see a dream world that takes their minds off their worries.

How your sun sign affects the way you fall in love.

Aries dives in with a thunderbolt of passion, and they won’t be slowed down for an instant. They’ll jump in with both feet, declare their undying love and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully they’ll have picked a lover who likes being swept off their feet!

Taurus never moves fast. These folks like to take their time, so their neon-lit moment may take a while to catch fire. But once they’ve decided, they won’t be put off by any resistance or coyness from the apple of their eye -- they’ll stick around until they get what they want.

Gemini often hears bells and whistles, but they’re familiar with their own fickleness and may hold back until they’re sure it’s not just another passing whim. In the interim, they’ll chat so entertainingly that their potential lover will become smitten before long.

Cancer is definitely driven by their feelings ... but they’re also highly self-protective. They’ll approach their beloved cautiously and in the best crab-like fashion: sideways! This means that they’ll test the waters by introducing their new love interest to their family for approval before declaring their singular devotion.

Leo wears their heart on their sleeve. They certainly don’t like being rebuffed, but amid all their enthusiasm, they probably won’t consider that a possibility! They’ll shower their newfound love with compliments, expensive dinners and objets d’amour -- and expect a commitment within the week.

Virgo doesn’t go in for impulse decisions when it comes to love; rather, they’ll review their prospect with a somewhat detached eye as they try to spot any flaws. They’ll then likely persuade themselves that imperfections are a part of life and need to be accepted. And if the physical attraction is strong enough at the start, they’ll surely tumble head over heels.

Libra is known for their cool demeanor and indecisiveness, so they can often talk themselves out of love. They’ll weigh the pluses and minuses and think through all possible options -- and if their choice is still there after all this careful consideration, they might just allow themselves to fall hard.

Despite being a fixed sign, Scorpio can instantly go off the deep end when it comes to love. They’re quite intuitive and are rarely wrong about a prospective partner’s reactions. Conversely, they’re also very self-protective and insist on receiving positive feedback before laying their heart on the line.

Sagittarius is fiery to the point of recklessness, and rarely hesitates right out of the gate in a new relationship. In fact, it seems as if they have a guardian angel on their shoulder to make love happen the way they want. The Archer is also remarkably resilient, and always remembers that if this one doesn’t work out, the next one will.

Capricorn can be surprisingly sensual, but they’re also socially ambitious. Because of this, they may experience inner conflict about whether the object of their desire will be right for their lifestyle -- now and in the future. They’re not known to move quickly, and will instead give the relationship time to develop naturally.

Intimacy makes Aquarius nervous, so the prospect of a lifelong mate is daunting. The first thing they’ll probably do is introduce their new love interest to their social circle to see how they fit in; they’ll also flaunt their independence to see whether possessiveness will be an issue. Only then will they allow the relationship to grow -- and even then, gradually.

Pisces will know immediately when their dream of romance is standing right in front of them. But being forthcoming is not a Piscean strength, so like a true Water sign, they’ll do all they can to protect their insecurities. They’ll dance around and be elusive, and only when they feel secure will they make their feelings known.

Attract true love your way

1: Envision the relationship you want to be in:

“Until you are able to see yourself living the life that you truly want, it will be difficult for you to create it.” “The One” offers a number of concrete exercises — such as creating a collage of lifelong dreams and writing the story of one’s life as if it were a fairy tale that ends with all of your wishes fulfilled — that helps the reader identify his or her personal vision of a truly satisfying relationship. “It was fun to imagine the ideal life that I wanted for myself,” Carly C. says. “I enjoyed thinking about my ‘dream’ soul mate, and then relaxing and letting it go rather than struggling and feeling anxious about whether he would ever enter my life.”

2: Release any toxic ties and let go of the past:

Relationships we form “have the capacity to nurture and inspire our growth” or to “block the experience and expression of love in our lives.” Identify “toxic ties” as attachments “that cause us to lose personal power.” These attachments can include prior romantic partners, friends or relatives, and when we don’t release these “toxic ties,” they can prevent us from moving forward with our love lives and keep us from attracting a partner who nurtures and supports us. When you “Practice” “Releasing Toxic Ties,” journal about questions they may have regarding this issue, including:

What relationship(s), if any, do I suspect may qualify as a ‘toxic tie’ for me?
What fears are dominating me in this relationship?
What boundaries could I set that would increase the health and wellness in this relationship?

3: Set an intention for your life:

We can create a “climate in which love can ‘miraculously manifest’” by following the first three steps for setting an intention:

“The first step: to have a thought and/or belief in a particular possibility.”
“The second step: to speak your intention out loud.”
“The third step: to take actions that support the manifestation of your intention, and abstain from those that sabotage it.”

“In other words, I believe that finding love is possible for me, and I tell those people who are capable of seeing that possibility as well (and probably even those I’m dating) that I’m committed to finding ‘The One.’ Then I do that which is consistent with that intention as well as refraining from that which is not.” The fourth step of setting an intention is letting go of the results once you’ve done the work outlined in the first three steps. In other words, now it’s time to relax and let life happen to you.

4: Write a love letter to yourself:

Imagine that you are your ideal partner and put aside a quiet half hour to write a love letter addressed to yourself. What would your partner love and notice about you? How would that person express his or her caring for you? Expect to feel resistance toward completing this exercise, but push through and see what you might learn about yourself from your letter and what your ideal relationship and partner would look like.
It is very rewarding and very eye-opening. It is all about you being ready; it’s about being in the right head space, rather than just the number of people you meet.”

5: Make a welcoming space for love in your life:

Take up a challenge to go through their homes and evaluate whether they’re welcoming environments or not. “Make a list of at least five things you can alter in your home to create a more welcoming environment for an intimate partner,”
“Add to that one or two things you do to alter your schedule so that there is some breathing room in your life to explore new relationships.”

Signs you are in
Love

Love. We all have been in love at least
once in our lives. And we all know that it does something to us.
Our body
language changes, we feel happier than usual, the world does not feel like a
hell hole anymore, and we find ourselves smiling randomly at odd hours at random
people. Love can do wonderful things to you and some of the obvious signs of
being in love are listed below.
1. She is ALWAYS on your mind
No matter
what you do or where you are, that one person will always be on your mind. It is
like they have hijacked your mind space and continue to dominate the area week
after week. In the beginning you might take this to be an obsession or even
infatuation, but if the dominance persists for a prolonged period, you can be
sure you are in love.
2. Ms. Perfect
Ever feel that she cannot do anything
wrong? That she is the one person who wouldn’t as much as hurt a fly and is
incapable of causing grief and harm to anyone on this planet? Ever find
yourself thinking that she is the best blend of talent and beauty, of compassion
and passion? If the answers to all the above is yes, you are in love!
3. Your
playlist = romantic songs
Our playlist suggests a lot about our personality.
It does not simply mirror our taste in music, but it reflects our current state
of mind as well. So if your playlist is full of love songs, then it is one major
sign of you being in love.
4. You want to spend ALL your time with her
If
you are going through a phase of wanting to meet and spend time with only one
person, then you are bitten by the love bug. People in love often don’t
feel like meeting friends/family. They simply want to spend all their time with
the person they love. If you are going through something similar, it does not
mean you are some crazy obsessive person, but it means that you want to get to
know her better and be around her all the time. So if you find yourself making
plans with her and only her every weekend, then you are in love.
5. You’re
willing to better yourself for her
For very few people in this world we are
willing to change or better ourselves. The obvious entries in this list of
people are close family members and a friend or two. If you find a girl (who is
not just your best friend) in this list then you know you are in love. If you
want to better yourself, be the best human you can possibly be for one girl then
you are definitely in love with her.

There is a difference between a "Nice Guy" and a "Good Man," as was recently brought to my attention. In a previous blog, I tried to pinpoint the characteristics of a "Nice Guy" (since I've been successful at bypassing him in life thus far), but a "Good Man" goes above and beyond our general idea of Mr. Nice Guy. His chivalry and actions, rather than words (or promises), define him as a quality human being. He's like the Platinum Card of men created in this world, and I would love to get an upgrade from my poor credit history.

So, here is my updated version of the ideal man (although, even a "nice guy" would be an upgrade from the emotionally unavailable men I keep getting issued with):

A Good man:

sends you warm wishes, kind words, and his best intentions because he truly cares for you. Or, he'll "say it like it is," because he cares about you.
takes care of his family because it's the honorable thing to do. He is a good father and provider. If he has to earn money collecting recyclables by digging in trash cans, he will. He will roll up his sleeves and shovel manure to be able to put food on the table.
makes you feel loved. His actions speak louder than words.
would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, or let you ride on his back as he takes you over the hurdles.
would give his life for the security of his family, or even his country. He gets upset when a soldier is discriminated against because of his sexual orientation. He makes an effort to teach his children about tolerance and compassion-- that we are all just people in this world.
doesn't need to sleep with hundreds of women to feel like a man. He has perfected the skills of pleasing the one woman he makes a connection with, and can turn away countless others who vie for the spot.
will take the high road, but would become the Tasmanian Devil to protect those he loves. He is the tamed lion you can lean on, but isn't ashamed to put on an apron to cook a feast.
does what is right, even if it's the hardest choice.

I want to dedicate this to a good man who, with a few short messages, breathed life back into my sails. With his warmth and compassion, he showed me that I don't miss being with someone so much as I long for the feeling of being thought of, cared about, and appreciated, most of all. The cinders are still smoldering in my heart, and I now know that I should never give up hope. Love is the most precious gift of this life. The fire in my heart will burn again. Thanks to all the good men out there who make a woman feel like a lady.

To all the other hopeful romantics: don't ever give up hope. As long as you're still breathing, life is forever changing before your eyes. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, this third act twist: the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing that all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never, ever, gave up hope.

If you're the gal who doesn't need anything (or acts like she doesn't), the kind of guy you want will NOT pick …

Needy women attract good men.

"Low-maintenance" women attract jerks…or no men at all. Is this counter to what you've always thought?
Did you think that the less you expected from a man, the more he'd like you?

Well, consider this: A Good Man - one who is confident, mature and relationship-minded - wants to give to a woman and make her happy. He needs to know that you need him and that he's enhancing your already-great life.
A good man also wants to know that you respect and love yourself. He does not want to be completely responsible for your happiness. (That's why I said he wants to "enhance" your life, not "be" your life.)

Now, say you're the gal who doesn't need anything (or at least doesn't act like you do). Mr. Good Man will NOT pick you as a partner. He may sleep with you…but he won't marry you. If you don't leave room for him to be your hero, and you don't show that you know you're worthy of him, he will leave before you can say "Why didn't he call?"

On the other hand, let's say that you graciously receive his compliments and show enthusiastic appreciation for the big and little things he does for you. Maybe you occasionally ask for his advice and let him open the pickle jar. You also make and keep boundaries, expect him to keep his word, and expect to be treated special. That, along with your kindness to him, tells Mr. Good Man that you're relationship material.

You're able to welcome him into your life, and you're confident in who you are, what you want, and how to get it. Isn't it funny? All this time we thought being low maintenance got the guy. Actually, that was in high school.

Now, as a grownup woman looking to share her life with a grownup man, not expecting anything only gets the guy who doesn't want to give you anything. So here's some homework to help you decide where you stand with this.

Look back on previous relationships (short or long) and answer these questions: Were there any good guys who might have gotten away because you acted like you didn't need him and/or didn't seem to have any expectations of him?

~Are the men you're attracting the Good Guys? Are they givers or are they takers? ~Do you know your boundaries, and do you stick to them?

~How well do you show him that you respect yourself? If a cute guy asks you out for Friday night on Friday morning, do you accept?

When he doesn't call or shows up late, do you tell him it's okay because you don't want to scare him away? (I think he gets one free pass on these, btw.) When he's telling you he's too busy to see you week after week, are you still hanging on?

~And…how is this working for you?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Who's Never Going to Let You Down? I'm writing this in the African bush, where I've just watched five lions dismantling a dead buffalo, a hungry leopard stalking impala, and several baboons snitching part of my own breakfast when my back was turned. Out here, my safety depends on the knowledge, courage, and selflessness of just a few human beings. Some of these people I know well; others I've barely met. We are of various colors and creeds, sharing only a conflict-riddled ancestral history. Yet I feel safer at this moment than I once felt in my suburban American bedroom. It's not that I'm blind to life's fragility or the dangers around me. It's just that I possess a gift offered by many mistake-filled years: At my age, I have a pretty good idea what and whom to trust.

It's because I've learned to depend on a handy little inner mechanism—you've got one too. Call it a "trust-o-meter," a bit of hardware preinstalled on your hard drive the day you arrived, tiny and vulnerable, from the stork factory. Ever since, your trust-o-meter has been programmed up the wazoo, first by caregivers, then by you yourself. If your inner software is working well, your trust-o-meter is guiding you safely through life's many hazards. If it isn't, you smash into one disappointment or betrayal after another. The good news is that no matter how faulty your trust-o-meter, it's never too late to debug the system. Trust me on that.
Or not.

Step 1: Testing the System

"As soon as you trust yourself," wrote Goethe, "you will know how to live." To discern between people who might save your life and those who might ruin it, you must be reliable, honest—in a word, trustworthy—toward yourself. And we do this far less often than most people realize.

I'm about to reveal one of my favorite life coaching tricks, which I've used on literally thousands of people. In the middle of a speech or coaching session, I'll suddenly say, "Are you comfortable?" Most people look startled, squint at me as though I'm a few chocolates short of a full box, then assure me that yes, they're comfortable.

"Really?" I'll say, earnestly.

Yes, they insist, getting a bit annoyed, they're totally comfortable.

Then I ask this: "So, if you were alone in your bedroom right now, would you be sitting in the position you're in at this moment?"

It takes them all of 0.03 seconds to answer, "No." But it takes them much longer to come up with the answer to my next question:

"Why not?"

Some people will just sit there blinking, as if I've asked them to explain why they didn't invent spaghetti. It takes them much consternated thinking to come up with the answer—which is, of course, that the positions in which people sit in public settings are generally much less loose than the positions they adopt when unobserved, in a room designed for rest and relaxation.

In short, they're a bit uncomfortable.

Now, the problem here isn't the discomfort itself—people can handle a world of hurt if necessary. The problem is that they aren't conscious of their own discomfort, even though it's obvious. They lie to my face in clear daylight, believing they're telling the truth even though they know (and I know...and they know that I know) they're lying.

Do you find that last sentence confusing? Welcome to denial, which, oh, honey, it's true, ain't just a river in Egypt.

Denial exists because human infants, though equipped with trust-o-meters, are built to trust, blindly and absolutely, any older person who wanders past. Life would be brief, incredibly complicated, and unbearably frightening for any baby who didn't invest automatic confidence in her caregivers, who suspected adults of deception whenever they said, "Drink this; it's good for you" or "Those people are evil" or "Grandma will take care of you." We all have faith in the people we encounter during our early youth. If they deserve this, our trust-o-meters are programmed to function accurately, and we're well on our way to a life of wise discernment.

Sadly, however, few child-rearers deserve the unmitigated trust babies invest in them. Some adults, purposely or (far more often) accidentally, give children unhealthy drinks, from tainted water to Jack Daniels. Others, out of malice or (far more often) ignorance, create unwarranted fear and prejudice. Sometimes Grandma is a psychopath or (far more often) a short-tempered neurotic whose idea of childcare involves strapping the kiddies into her Cadillac so she can cruise the red light district searching through binoculars for her ex-boyfriend's car.

If something along those lines happened to you, you've been conditioned to attach the definition "trustworthy" to people who are, in fact, untrustworthy. If your parents let you sip their whiskey as an expression of affection, you may be wired to swear by alcoholics. If you were raised by white supremacists, you may rely on lunatic skinheads. If your beloved Grandma was a stalker, obsessive jealousy may inspire your confidence. You'll be extremely uncomfortable the whole time, but you won't recognize the discomfort.

This is why denial is so baffling: You have no idea you're in it. Rather than thinking, "I am now displaying unwarranted trust ," you just feel...off. Confused. Maybe a little crazy. Maybe a lot crazy. Something seems wrong, and over time, it feels wronger and wronger. Those of us with badly calibrated trust-o-meters usually think the wrongness must be in us, that if we can somehow think or work or love better, our painful relationships with the alcoholic racist stalkers in our lives will somehow become perfect.

For those of us who want to know if we have defective trust-o-meters, the evidence is blessedly obvious: Our relationships and life situations don't work. We're lying to ourselves, pretending we're at ease when we know we aren't, so, in the converse of Goethe's dictum, we don't have a clue how to live. We're often rudely awakened, bitterly disappointed, shockingly betrayed. If this happens to you once, perhaps it's bad luck. If it happens repeatedly, there are bugs in your system. To check, take the Trust Test. If your score indicates that your trust-o-meter functions well, you can stop reading now. But if the quiz reveals a problem, it's time to recalibrate.

Step 2: The Scientific Method

All child-rearers—myself among them—are confused, mistaken, or ignorant about some things, so don't waste time insisting that your parents fix every glitch in your programming, or flagellate yourself for not spotting their errors. Just start using the scientific method to reboot your trust-o-meter. This involves three basic steps: making predictions about how the world works, looking for evidence to either support or disconfirm those predictions, and changing your hypotheses in light of what you see to be true.

Start by thinking of someone important to you, and rate your trust in that person on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = lowest possible trust, 5 = highest). Then, evaluate the person by recalling your observations of his or her behavior.

Here are a few obvious questions I've found very helpful in quantifying the trustworthiness of people in my own life. The first three are the "yes" questions; if Person X is completely trustworthy, you'll answer yes to all three. The second three are the "no" questions—if Person X deserves your trust, the answer to all three will be negative.

The "yes" questions:

1. Does Person X usually show up on time?

2. When Person X says something is going to happen, does it usually happen?

3. When you hear Person X describing an event and then get more information about that event, does the new information usually match Person X's description?

The "no" questions:

4. Have you ever witnessed Person X lying to someone or assuming you'll help deceive a third person?

5. Does Person X sometimes withhold information in order to make things go more smoothly or to avoid conflict?

6. Have you ever witnessed Person X doing something (lying, cheating, being unkind) that he or she would condemn if another person did it?

These questions might seem trivial. They're not. As the saying goes, "the way we do anything is the way we do everything." I'm not saying we have the ultimate power or right to judge others. But if you trust someone whose behavior doesn't pass the six screening questions above, your trust-o-meter may well be misaligned. If Person X rated more than one "no" on the first three questions, and more than one "yes" on the second three, they don't warrant total trust at present. If you trust someone who blew all six questions, you need some readjustments. You don't have to change Person X (you can't), but you do need to take a hard look at your own patterns of trust.

By the way, if you're now rationalizing Person X's behavior with arguments like "But he means well" or "It's not her fault; she had a terrible childhood," your trust-o-meter is definitely on the fritz. These are the small lies we use to tell ourselves we're comfortable when we aren't. It's not the end of the world if Person X lies to you. Lying to yourself, on the other hand, can make your life so miserable, the end of the world might be a relief.

Step 3: Learning to Trust Everyone and Everything

"The Master...trusts people who are trustworthy," wrote Lao Tzu, my favorite philosopher. "She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy. This is true trust." Many earnest do-gooders skew this to mean that everyone is noble at the core, every crazy stranger should be invited to sleep in the children's room, every elected official is intelligent and just. But that's not "true trust"; it's another version of denial, like the one Pema Chödrön calls by the memorable label "idiot compassion."

So what does it mean to "trust people who aren't trustworthy"? I pondered this earlier today, as I watched the lions devour the buffalo, the leopard attack the impala, the baboons stealing breakfast. I am very wary of these beasts, but that doesn't mean I don't trust them. I depend on them deeply—to do what they usually do. Lions and leopards can be trusted to eat animals about my size. Baboons can be trusted to steal food whenever possible. Because I know this, I adapt my behavior to avoid getting eaten or pilfered.

By the same token, if someone in your life pulls in a dismal score on the Trust Test, perpetually failing to keep promises, tell the truth, quit drinking, or show compassion, this is exactly what you can depend on them to keep doing. Addicts can be trusted to lie. Narcissists can be trusted to backstab. And people who reliably do their best, whose stories check out against your own observations, can be trusted to stay relatively honest and stable.

When you spot faulty programming in your trust-o-meter, you may experience some deep grief. You'll have to acknowledge what you already know, deep down: that your alcoholic dad may never be reliable, that you may have picked an irresponsible partner, that the friend who never supports you probably never will. You may face some tough choices as your debugged trust-o-meter directs you away from familiar negative patterns and into new behaviors. But as you more accurately predict what will happen, you'll feel a new, growing confidence. Your life will begin to work.

This is why I feel so much safer today, in the bushveld, than I once did in my home. Yes, it's a jungle out here, but it's a jungle everywhere. Life, in fact, is just one big wilderness. But you were born for this wilderness, and you have the instruments to negotiate it safely. Does that thought feel comfortable? Really, truly comfortable? As soon as it does, you've found your way to the first part of Goethe's promise: You can trust yourself. And because Goethe was a trustworthy person, you can rely on the second part of his promise following automatically. You really will know how to live.