How to Communicate with Your Husband 

It's a question asked by countless wives: How can I get my husband to share his feelings? Roland Warren is president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, an organization focused on strengthening the role of the father in the family. He stresses that couples need to soften the way they approach each other. For women dealing with reticent husbands, these ideas may open the lines of communication.

The Three Rs
Roland says you should remember three critical ideas when communicating with your spouse. First, relax by managing your emotions, words and actions. Secondly, relate to your husband; seek to understand him. Finally, release: When an argument is over, leave it that way.

Find a Good Time and Place
Before trying to have a talk with your husband, pick a time when he's most relaxed—not when he's walking in the door from work. Men are activity-oriented, so try taking a walk while you talk, or take a long drive...just the two of you, to get his full attention.

Warm-Up Questions
Roland suggests beginning with some warm-up questions. Use them to spark a meaningful conversation between you and your husband. Be sure to listen to your spouse's responses without judging him. Remember, the goal is to understand where he's coming from. Try these sample questions:

• When you worry, what do you worry about most?

• When do you feel happiest?

The Bigger Picture
After you've used the warm-up questions, try these:

• What one thing would make this the best year of our lives?

• How can I support your role as a father?

• What do you dream for yourself?

You may be able to start a conversation, but don't become too frustrated if your husband doesn't completely open up immediately. Sometimes, just expressing your interest can be the beginning of bigger communication.

Types of friends who will ruin your relationship

Our girlfriends are our support system through the ups and downs of life. As we get older, our friends become more like our family. Our best buds are there to celebrate as we meet "the one" (again) and help us cry it out if things don't work out. Unfortunately, our friendships and romantic partnerships don't always mix.

After all, it's been you and your BFF since day one. She looks out for you and vice versa. You're "Thelma and Louise" driving off the cliff together or a modern "Lucy and Ethel." However, one of the great things about Lucy and Ethel was that they were both married to Ricky and Fred at the same time. They each had their own lives. Things don't always work out like that in real life. You may outgrow driving off the cliff before your friends do.

Even when the dynamics change, your job is to continue to be the best friend you can be and assure your friends that you'll still be there for them. You are not responsible for making any insecure person feel secure, however. If you're not careful, some friends can even get in the way of your relationship.

Here are the 4 friends that can ruin your relationship:

The "Poor Me" friend.

Everyone knows a spiritual vampire. This kind of vamp doesn't have fangs but she's always surrounded by personal drama and mayhem. Any conversation with her involves coming up with solutions for her myriad of personal problems. When you're happy and in love you may have less time and tolerance to help Miss Negativity get it together. She won't listen to your advice anyway.

Solution: We all go through rough patches in life. If it's a temporary thing, be there for your girl. If "Poor Me" is her way of life, recommend that she seek professional help or join a support group.

The possessive friend.

For "The Possessive Friend," any new person entering your heart is a threat. Whenever there's a boyfriend in the picture, look for this friend to have an emotional freak out. Sometimes our friends are happily coupled up and we're the odd girl out or vice versa. That's life. Naturally when you're in a relationship you're splitting your time with someone else.

Solution: Sadly, you will have to limit the personal stories and joyful moments you share with this friend. Her possessive behavior is unhealthy and you need stronger boundaries.

The "jealous of you" friend.

It's natural to compare our lives to those around us. Although we know that it's unhealthy, it's an easy vice to fall into. However, true success is not about being better than anyone else, it's about being better than we used to be.

"The Jealous Friend" is miserable when the people around her are happy. She will subtly try to sabotage your relationship successes and put the kibosh on your joy. This friend may be holding your hand while secretly expecting you to fall on your face. It's not that she just has expectations that your life and relationships will not work out, she's projecting the low expectations she has of herself.

Solution: You may have outgrown this relationship. People who really love you want you to have the best life possible.

The passive aggressive friend.

It's an ugly truth that we're all self-centered. When you're thinking about your bright, shiny future with someone else, your friends may be thinking, "But how do I fit into the picture?" "The Passive Aggressive Friend" will find fault with anyone you like. She won't come out and speak her mind but will find little ways to throw salt on your romances whenever possible.

Solution: Nip her nasty comments in the bud by saying, "Thank you but I don't really need feedback right now." Be sure that she knows how awesome you think her life is as well.

The bottom line?

Dating and new relationships can be nerve-wracking enough without having to manage the fears of other people. However, it's important to remember that your friends love you and want happiness for you. No matter what, you are your sister's keeper.

What His First Date Choice Says About Him

 When you go on a first date with a dude, he usually picks the place. And good thing, because Bill Nichols, co-founder of 100RedFlags.com, says you can tell a lot from a man by what kind of date he takes you on. Here's how to suss out his intentions. 

The Neighborhood Bar
He's a laid-back guy, and while it might not seem like he's trying, he is. Chances are, he's conscious of where he took you since he's looking for a girl who is equally laid-back.

His Deal : He's open to having a relationship, but his life isn't dependent on it.

The Indie Coffee Shop
He's making an attempt to be different. There's a certain level of maturity and confidence needed to choose a date that involves a lot of (sober) conversation. He places value in getting to know someone and isn't aiming for a one-night stand, which is more than you can say for a lot of guys.

His Deal : He knows what he wants and doesn't want to waste time finding it. If a connection is there, he'll explore it.

Something Active
You may be dreading his suggested baseball outing, friendly game of tennis, or walk in the park (what is he, 80?), but his approach is a good one. He wants a woman who he can share experiences with, and he knows there's no better predictor than going out and doing it.

His Deal : He wants to see if you can be friends. If you can be patient, you're in a good position if things start to escalate.

A Friend's Party
If he's inviting you to a party, he's obviously attracted to you and doesn't mind having you by his side. This guy may not have "settling down" very high on his priority list, but you can approach this date knowing that his intentions are clear: Let's have a good time and see where this goes.

His Deal : He might not be ready to jump into anything, but you could find a connection.

The Fancy Restaurant
On the surface, it feels right. You feel good, taken care of, and excited that someone with a real job is taking you to a real dinner. But make no mistake, a guy who goes straight for the nice dinner is going to expect that you'll hook up with him or that you'll at least go on another date.

His Deal : He could be looking for a three-month pseudo-relationship. If you like him and want to see where it could go, flip things around and suggest a date that isn't fancy.

The Spot Near His Place
If you live close to each other, it's a different story. But if he chooses a date spot that's much closer to his place, especially one within walking distance, you can assume that he wants you to try this "great hidden gem" so he can steer your date night back to his pad.

His Deal : He's probably looking for a hookup.

Cool Ethnic Food
He's thinking outside the box, which deserves some credit. Most guys play it safe, and his slightly more aggressive approach is the first test: He wants to see if he'll be pleasantly surprised by your love of hard-to-pronounce food and cool travel stories.

His Deal : He knows what he wants. If the feeling is mutual, you find yourself in a new relationship.

The Perfect Location
He nailed it. The place has it all. He somehow managed to choose a place that's not fancy (it's cute), it's not loud (it's conversation-level), and it's not romantic (it's cozy). He's no stranger to dating and making someone feel special, and whether he realizes his intentions or not, he's setting the scene to see if he gets lucky and sees his future wife sitting across the table from him.

His Deal : He might be ready to settle down. But he also might just be a total player. 

♥ ♥How (Not) to Talk to Strangers ♥ ♥

I recently attended a singles event in Manhattan sponsored by an online dating site. And while the crowd was very squarely adult (average age probably about 35), you would have thought it was a high school mixer. Women sat along one wall, or chatted in small groups, while the men hunkered around, some looking slightly uncomfortable, others leering in wait like lone wolfs.

This never gets easier. But still, the people in this room had made the Herculean effort to get there-RSVP'd days in advance, got dressed, took the train or a cab across town. Got there. Walked in. They were about as committed to being here as you could be. And then, it seems, stopped short by their own stories, assumptions, and judgments.

The "Everyone Here Sucks" Excuse

I spoke with a clatch of women sitting along the window bench (p.s., forming a female firing squad is not a great way to meet men). I asked the ringleader what she thought. In one facial twitch, dismissed the crowd of men outright. Why? "Eh," she said. Too old, not goodlooking enough, not my type. "Well, we don't see anyone worth talking to, so in a bit, we're thinking of going to a bar down the street."

Women aren't the only ones making rash judgments, of course. As I made my way through the bar that evening, I heard similar complaints from the men. Some seemed to think that there must be "something wrong" with these women since they weren't paired yet (I had to bite my tongue here. How a single adult can show up to a singles event and assume something's wrong with everyone ELSE there because they're single is beyond me).

What You Expect, You'll Get

There's not a doubt in my mind that the people who came that night with their fears ratcheted way up and their expectations way down didn't have fun, and likely left thinking it was a waste of a night. I believe that to a great extent we decide how good a night will be, and it doesn't start with showing up and thinking, "OK, prove it to me that this is worth my time." You have to make it worth your time. Here's how.

HOW TO MEET YOUR AVERAGE STRANGER

Bear these in mind next time you head out.

Don't form a coven. It's great to have some girlfriends in tow when you hit up a social scene, but as soon as you turn in the wagons-and your back to everyone else-you've effectively sealed yourselves off from any nearby prospects. Stop talking about men and start talking to them.

DUDES: Standing around staring at a lady is, quite frankly, unnerving. Start a conversation, get her engaged in a topic so you can get to know her without freaking her out.

OR: Show up alone. I know this is unfathomable to some, and it requires some gumption, but I'm telling you, the upfront bravery has a bigger payoff. I went alone, but a friend of mine showed up later-tho we did not hole up together. We were there to meet people. When you're alone, that little bit of anxiety, and a big smile, will actually make you more likely to talk to people you don't know-and more grateful for the conversation (thus a bit kinder in your approach).

Just aim to connect. If you put pressure on yourself to find a life partner, right here, tonight, you're bound to fail. That's not what you're there to do. You're there to connect-to interact with, learn about, and introduce yourself-even to people you're not necessarily attracted to. If you only talk to people who, on first glance, you're sure you'd want to marry, you won't be talking to too many people.

Assume the best. Nothing sours your outlook or your outcome by going in with a chip on your shoulder. You've been hurt? So has every single person in that room. If you go in with your dukes up, suspicious that every man (or woman) there is out to deceive, hurt, or outright reject you, it sends a message-and clear instructions on how to treat you.

Remember that average is the new hot. Granted, some people are just better looking than others. But as a rule, most people are…average. Personality, humor, and chemistry can transform someone you wouldn't look twice at into someone you can't bear to be without. Think of a face as a canvas that someone draws his or her personality on.

You already know that while looks are important, they aren't everything. Most of the men I've had the strongest feelings for were not grade A hunks. The surprise of a growing attraction is the best part.

Play the game. It's a fact: Men like to hunt. As my own coach has said to me, hunting isn't as fun when a deer jumps in front of the gun. And while I hate to use such violent, predatory imagery, it works here. While there's nothing wrong with initiating conversation, especially at a social event, give a man some space. Smile, laugh, compliment him, move on. He'll be back. This is not rocket science.

Case in point: I spotted an attractive stranger that night, and made my way over to his general vicinity-so when the opportunity arose and he looked my way, I flashed a wide, open smile, the kind of smile that isn't cursory but lasts a few beats longer, that says "I'd like to meet you." He held out his hand and introduced himself. After speaking for a bit, I stepped away. Later, while I was talking with another gentleman, he swung by and handed me a drink, and kept walking. Well played.

When I went to thank him for the drink, we were interrupted by a woman who said her friend wanted to meet him (ok, so yes, this guy was in fact strikingly handsome, no question). I stepped back and chatted with a few other people. After all, I don't have dibs on this guy.

"That was cool of you," he remarked after the woman had left. "I'm glad you didn't walk away." We talked for the rest of the evening. He took my number and asked me out the next day. 

Common Love Traps to Avoid

How did you find him, the guy who pushes all your wrong buttons? Here's an amazingly effective new therapy from Oprah's that just might transform what we think about when we think about love.

Not long ago, Jeffrey E. Young, PhD, a cognitive psychologist and clinical researcher at Columbia University Medical Center, met with a couple in crisis. The woman, let's call her Chloe, was brutally critical of her boyfriend, let's call him Dan. She thought Dan's teeth were ugly and wanted him to get them whitened; she thought his back was too hairy and complained that he wouldn't get regular waxing. It sent her into a rage when he was a few minutes late to pick her up on dates, even though Dan lived an hour away and traffic made exact arrival times nearly impossible. As Chloe continued with her onslaught, Young realized that Dan agreed with Chloe: Dan believed himself to be horribly flawed and thought Chloe was right to be angry with him. Although she was terribly critical of Dan, Young noted, Chloe loved him and was terrified of losing him.

If Young had been a Freudian therapist, he might have encouraged Dan and Chloe to speculate on the painful effect of childhood problems without suggesting specific ways to change their behavior. But Young began his career in the early '80s as a new therapy was gaining popularity—cognitive therapy, which teaches that how people think about events in their lives determines how they feel about them. Young, who studied with the man behind the therapy, Aaron T. Beck, was excited to be a part of a dynamic new method. But early on, he found that this approach alone was not enough to help clients with lifelong relationship troubles. "It was fine with people who'd been healthy and had problems only recently, but the majority of patients had problems that stemmed from their early life, and those people didn't respond well," he says.

Young began to spot a number of distinct, recurring patterns in his patients' psychological profiles—patterns laid down in early childhood that continued to shape their adult thoughts, actions, relationships, careers, and life choices. He called these habits "schemas," borrowing the ancient Greek word for "form," and he nicknamed them "lifetraps" to make it easier for his clients to understand both the concept and the risk of letting their schemas define them.

Although schema therapy began as an individual therapeutic strategy, it quickly turned into a couples therapy technique. "More than half the people we saw were coming in with problems with their relationship," Young says. "We thought, 'What if we got the partner in?' Once we did, we began to notice there was an interplay between them that was creating problems. One partner's schema would trigger the other's schema, and tensions would escalate." Some of the schemas dovetail—in a catastrophic way—each exacerbating the other. In fact, Young says, head-over-heels romantic attraction is often a sign of bad schema chemistry.

Young suspected that Dan suffered from the Defectiveness schema, which means that, when he was a child, his peers or family put him down, criticized him, and made him feel inferior. By asking questions in further sessions, he learned that Dan's mother favored his older brother and his father told him he was incompetent.

Chloe, on the other hand, was plagued by Unrelenting Standards. As a child, her family made her feel that, unless she was completely above reproach, she was a total failure. These are two of the 18 schemas Young has identified; a person may be affected or defined by any number of schemas—just as in astrology, people speak of an Aries who has a Cancer moon and Virgo rising. For instance, a patient may have the core schema of Emotional Deprivation and also be affected by the Abandonment and Self-Sacrifice schemas.

 Young's work has a curious parallel with recent developments in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, which suggest that our personal relationships affect the way the mind builds neural pathways. Your emotional memories—of a parent you adored or feared, of a partner you loved or lost—create pathways in the limbic part of the brain. Every time you revisit those memories, positive or negative, you reinforce the path, deepening a trench of emotional connection. Throughout life, your unconscious mind embraces any new person who reminds you of those older paths. They exert an almost irresistible pull, compelling you to make decisions that feel like choices but are actually automatic responses guided by the map of your past: It's like a ghost road that lures in passers-by. "We think what we call schemas are really what some people call neural pathways," Young says. People who want healthy relationships but have a history of unhealthy ones must work hard to resist the pull of habit and strike out along new pathways, literally and figuratively.

Young's first step is to help his patients recognize that they have schemas: "They've affected their view of everything," says Young. "But they don't see that there's anything wrong with the way they look at the world." He began by asking Chloe about her parents. She described them as high-level professionals who had been extremely critical of her. If she came home with an A- instead of an A+, for instance, her mother would withdraw her affection for a week, withholding kisses and kindness.

"I tried to get Chloe to remember what it felt like when her mother would withdraw from her and to remember how bad she felt about herself," Young says. As an adult, Chloe remained stuck in her schema, clinging stubbornly to her childhood fear that if she or anyone she was associated with was less than perfect, she would be a disappointment. Young knew that she had internalized her parents' harsh judgments and was not aware they weren't her own. His questions helped her make the connection that the way her mother hurt her was the way she hurt the men in her life—at which point, Chloe got it, saying, "I don't want to make Dan feel the way I felt."

Young also helped Dan realize that he was repeating his unhappy childhood cycle with Chloe: trying to prove that he was good enough. Young spent the next several sessions helping Chloe and Dan understand that when they upset each other, it was not out of deliberate cruelty but often because one partner had set off the other's core schemas.

"Chloe had to become more aware of when her Unrelenting Standards were being triggered, making her critical and mean," Young says. "Dan had to become aware of when he was starting to feel inadequate and trying to prove himself to her." When a fight began to escalate, Young instructed, they should say out loud, "Schema clash!"—as unnatural as it might feel—and then call a time-out. They should retreat into separate rooms and read through a flash card to remind them of the havoc their schemas were trying to unleash (Young helps couples create a variety of notes, tailored to common issues of discord—arguments over money or parenting, for example). A card for Chloe might read in part:

Even though I feel as if my criticisms are valid, it's almost certain that I'm being much too hard on Dan and too judgmental, the same way my mother was with me. Therefore I need to let up on him, stop criticizing him, and apologize for what I did.

 

Young admits this technique can seem awkward in the beginning. As therapy progresses and communication improves, the flash cards can be left behind. "Eventually, the partners catch their pattern much more quickly, and they don't have to have time-outs," Young says. They can head off the conflict before it arises. "When therapy is successful, it doesn't mean the schema inside each person isn't being triggered," he says. "But they learn that they don't need to let it out." As patients come to recognize their schemas, they realize that, although they are not entirely to blame for their strong feelings, they are responsible for learning to control them better.

Schema therapy saved Chloe and Dan's relationship. "We have a very high success rate with couples like this," Young says. Both partners genuinely wanted to change, and, still more important, both of them were willing to accept the idea that there was something wrong with their behavior. (Young estimates schema therapy succeeds with about 70 percent of couples he and his colleagues see.)

Those who have benefited from schema therapy have one thing in common: They felt the thrill and relief of learning that there was a name for the impulses that had directed their actions for so long. They could see there was a more accurate explanation for the unhealthy patterns in their lives and relationships than the one they'd been telling themselves. They stepped back from their lifetraps and studied the map of their behavior. And slowly, but perseveringly, they dared to set out on a different course, with a new understanding not only of the direction they wanted to take but of themselves. 

 

People tend to relate to one or more of these 18 schemas. Which schema or schemas sound familiar to you?

Abandonment
People who cling to others because they're afraid of being left and don't feel important relationships will last. They're usually attracted to partners who cannot be there in a committed way.

Emotional Deprivation
Most of the time, these patients haven't had someone to nurture them, to care deeply about everything that happens to them or someone who was tuned in to their true feelings and needs.

Entitlement
Those who hate to be constrained or kept from doing what they want or feel that they shouldn't have to follow the normal rules and conventions other people do.

Defectiveness
People who think they're unworthy of the love, attention, and respect of others and believe that no matter how hard they try, they won't be able to get a significant partner to respect them or feel they are worthwhile.

Subjugation
In relationships, these people let the other person have the upper hand and worry a lot about pleasing other people so they won't be rejected.

Unrelenting Standards
People who must be the best at most of what they do and feel there is constant pressure to achieve and get things done. Their relationships suffer because they push themselves so hard.

Mistrust/Abuse
Those who feel that they cannot let their guard down in the presence of other people, or else that person will intentionally hurt them. If someone acts nicely toward them, they assume that he/she must be after something.

Self-Sacrifice
People who puts others' needs before their own, or else they feel guilty, and usually end up taking care of the people they're close to.

Social Isolation
Individuals who don't think that they relate well to other people and/or feel that they don't fit in with any sort of group.

Dependence
People who often feel helpless or aren't capable of making a decision without the aid of another person.

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness
Hypochondriacs and/or those who consistently fear that they will be involved in a catastrophe like an airplane crash or hurricane.

Enmeshment
Young's patients who have a weak sense of personal identity and habitually cling to or "mesh" with other people do so in order to feel like a complete person.

Failure
Someone who believes they will never succeed or that they're not as bright or talented as the people around them.

Insufficient Self-Control
Those who lack self-discipline and want to quit a task at the first sign of frustration or failure. (People with milder forms of this schema will give up personal satisfaction or fulfillment in order to avoid conflict or confrontation; could be described as a slacker.)

Approval Seeking
Individuals can place an extreme importance on other people's opinions and sometimes put a high level of significance on appearance and social status as a means to get attention.

Negativity
Someone who focuses on the worst parts of life (disappointments, missteps, and embarrassing moments) and might have inflated fears that they will make a mistake that will result in a personal crisis, like financial ruin.

Inhibition
People who are afraid to show emotion or, for that matter, initiate conversation—might be described as wallflowers.

Punitiveness
Those that believe even the smallest mistake deserves punishment. Usually hold themselves—and others—to very high expectations; find it hard to empathize or forgive mistakes, their own and those of others. 

 

A fresh approach to couples therapy, called schema therapy, works by identifying the patterns we get locked into and learning to work around them.  

Relationship Poltergeists (and How to Get Them the Hell Out of Your House)

 The Unopened Curry in the Spice Rack
The toothbrush is obvious—you get it out of there as soon as an ex first becomes an ex. But what about the indestructible spider plant you grew from his clippings, or the packet of curry you bought together for that recipe you never ended up trying? Or that box of ironic-but-not-completely Christmas ornaments he picked up from the Goodwill that you can't quite explain your inability to eBay away? While we all have the right to indulge in moments of wistfulness for the past (which memory so often sugar-coats), just remember, there's a reason why you two never ended up making that curry. So to speak.
The I-Can't-Believe-He-Said-That Thing He Said
So once—once—your spouse said, in a moment of madness, "Yes, yes I suppose your butt is, uh, slightly larger than Gisele's. But so what? I like it." Or else he happened to mention, late at night, after being severely overserved: "My friends all wanted me to marry her." You'd be forgiven for reading into it—well, if he said it once does that mean it's just been there in his mind waiting to bubble up to the surface?!—but if it's truly only come up once, consider this a moment of demonic possession, the voice not his own—and don't give it power it doesn't really deserve.
The Running Toilet of Eternal Despair
Every long-term relationship has that mysterious hinge, when the "How could he ever annoy me?" of new love turns into the "What about him isn't annoying?" of familiarity. So while you may think that some never-done household chore—the loose banister knob that comes off in your hand every time you go upstairs, the forever-running toilet your guests think is a babbling-brook sound machine—is the one thing keeping your household from peaceful equilibrium, consider that it might just be the receptacle of all your life frustrations. There's an easy solution: a handyman. If that's not possible, resolve to treat your partner with the patience and politeness you would a handyman you wanted to keep in your employ.
Ghosts in the Google
Internet-search histories are the new journals: You don't look at someone else's, and if you do (unless you've uncovered some illegal nefarious scheme), you are not allowed to be upset by what you've found. Relevant search terms: None / of / your / beeswax. 

The Holiday Spirit That Prevents Everyone from Getting into the Holiday Spirit
The old argument about where you are going to spend the holidays is a sneaky one. It appears to be a simple matter of logistics, but in truth, this yearly conversation is, like any talks regarding wedding planning, baby naming or date-night movie selection, secretly symbolic. How can he say he wants to skip your family's traditional Fourth of July picnic because it's inconveniently scheduled on, you know, Fourth of July? (Subtext: WHY DOES HE HATE YOUR MOTHER?) Or conversely, how could you have suggested that you didn't want to referee his family's annual political debate over Christmas ham? (Subtext: WHY DO YOU HATE HIS MOTHER?) Do both of yourselves a favor and try to stop obsessing about why he won't just be a sport and eat Aunt Agatha's marshmallow-fluff salad. His feelings about your extended family are not his feelings for you. After all, he has chosen to be with you—not Aunt Agatha.
The Talking Box in the Bedroom
If the voice you hear most often in bed is Piers Morgan's, it's time to reconsider the placement of your television. You don't need ghosts and static for that particular box to fry a couple.
The Ill-Fated "Cowgirl Surprise"
It was a dark and stormy night. You shared a bottle of wine and an article suggesting wild-sex advice, which you giggled over...and then decided to try. And [ominous thunder clap!] it didn't work out so well. You wisely never tried it again, though you still recoil at the memory. But nothing can kill a sex life like lingering embarrassment, especially if it puts a damper on any further adventurousness. Can you laugh about it? No? Huh. Can you remind yourself that you lived through it, you're still together and that at least it will never be that bad ever again? For heaven's sake, try.
Your Younger-You's Disapproving Glare
"I'm never getting married!"
"I'll never drive a minivan!"
"We'll always go out every night—and have sex every day!"
—Selected from The Finest Quotes of Younger You

We all want to stay true to ourselves. Of course we do. But it's okay if the "yourself" you're staying true to has changed. When you were 20, you thought you'd take a bucket-list trip every year and have enlightening conversations about the meaning of life at every dinner (each one of which would be life-changing-ly delicious and exotic). If the 40-year-old you is happy, then don't let 20-year-old hold you hostage. No offense, but 20-year-old you was so...20 years ago. 

Departed Soles: The Shoes You'll Never Wear Again
Whether your relationship began in the previous millennium or last week, it's inevitable: Unless you're vampires (in which case, you probably have a whole other set of issues), you're both older now. Things have been lost: Your ability to wear sexy-lady stilettos without whining about your bone spurs; the bid on the exact-right house that would have been the exact-right backdrop for your exact-right family (not that you're pregnant yet); the I'll-live-forever confidence that fueled your carefree bike rides together (before a car door knocked the wind out of you, as well as your fearlessness). It's okay to look back with gentle longing. But if you're obsessing over the path not taken, take a moment to ask yourself if this backwards glancing is helpful in any way. Chances are, it's not.
The Cobwebs in Your Bank Account
Many of us are haunted by financial secrets. Whether it's a savings account that exists only in imagination, a monster credit-card debt looming from the past or even secret money fantasies (e.g., financial security is your main priority, but you haven't worked up the nerve to admit this to your free-spirited aspiring-artist boyfriend), this is probably the top conversation you're not having but need to. No one wants to talk about money. But not talking about it doesn't make it go away.
The Pickle Fork of Love
Add this to pickle forks, baby-wipes warmers and upside-down mortgages on the "List of Things No One Needs": The thought that he may want to get back together with his ex. They broke up. And now he's with you. The end.
The Perfect Woman
We know, we know, you're almost perfect. You can imagine the perfect you. She's a lot like real you, except just a touch perfecter. She effortlessly balances her stellar career and social life, puts her partner and family first and every night finds time to make an interesting and healthful dinner, spotlessly clean her home, talk to her mother, knit a baby hat for a friend, run three miles, read a novel and, of course, get enough sleep so that she can be that same stellar self in the morning. She would be the perfect partner. And so many of us fall into her wily trap, trying to become her and in the process driving ourselves—and everyone else—crazy. Here's the thing about Perfect Woman: She's boring. She makes everyone feel bad for not being as perfect as she is. And besides, too much self-sacrifice doesn't actually make a woman perfect; in practice, it makes her frantic. Does your partner want to spend eternity with a frantic woman? More importantly, do you? Didn't think so. 

 Even the best-matched couples sometimes find moments when they sense that something's not quite right...only they can't say what. Here, love-life lurkers to banish forever.

How to Tell If Your Relationship is <i>Really</i> in Trouble

 All marriages have problems: He gives you silent treatment instead of talking when he's upset; you pay more attention to the kids' school art projects than to the details of his day; neither of you can agree on the fate of Peggy after leaving Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce on Mad Men. This, you tell yourself, is just what happens after so many years together, right? Or...not right? Because, sure, you're not fighting, and nobody's having an affair. But at the same time, what if dangerous issues are brewing? How can you are you supposed to know?

William Doherty, PhD, the Director of the University of Minnesota's ouples On the Brink project helps more than 60 exceptionally troubled couples a year. In his 35 years of doing this kind of work, he's noticed a handful of almost imperceptible signs when two people are just beginning to splinter apart. He tells us what to look for--when it comes in your own thoughts and actions-that may signal a crisis to come.  

1) You're Doing a Lot of Cost-Benefit Analyses

Perhaps this is you. While walking home from work, you have a little conversation with yourself: "I make dinner every night, plus, I said sorry when he freaked about organic toothpaste--even though I love organic toothpaste and it's not too expensive. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm usually the first apologize...and the first to stay home with the kids at night. I work so hard. And what am I getting in return? A hug before bed? The occasional bunch of flowers?"

What you're doing here is a cost-benefit analysis. Corporations do this all the time. A company that makes, say, skinny jeans, compares the energy, money and time all of its departments put into producing them with the energy, money and time it gets out of selling them, to figure out if it should keep manufacturing pants--in a style that horrifies short, round women all over the world--or just stop.

People also use this technique to make decisions. "At the beginning of the relationship," says Doherty, "this kind of accounting is natural and appropriate [for couples] deciding whether or not to commit." But if you've already joined your life with someone else, you may not realize that by engaging in this kind of emotional inventory, you're already seeing yourself as separate from your spouse. Your time, energy and resources are not his time, energy and resources. You're one business, and he's another, instead of the two of you being united for the profit of all.

2. You're Conducting an Imaginary Marriage

Just to clarify, an imaginary marriage is not an imaginary affair, complete with dreams of secret rendezvous in obscure motels. It's a more subtle and, at times, harder-to-recognize fantasy, says Doherty. What to look for? You sitting at your desk, watching Jeremy from production post yet another blissful photo of his wife and himself on Facebook--this time of their trip to Napa for her birthday. A thought crosses your mind: "Jeremy is so much more considerate than my husband."

Pretty soon, you make the leap to thinking things like: "If I were married to Jeremy, I'd never spend another holiday at home watching parades on TV." In your reveries, you tell yourself you'd go to Paris with him. You'd come home at night to him in the kitchen making veal cordon bleu. The two of you would never argue about the cost of non-generic toilet paper or give each other lectures on how many squares you're allowed to use. Because, in this relationship, you don't have to deal with all those pesky details that challenge real-life marriage and that probably also caused you to invent Jeremy, the ideal hubby, with whom no man, not even your good, adorable, non-cordon-bleu-making husband can compare. You've lost interest in your husband taking you to Paris or posting photos of you on Facebook. You're not ready to leave him in reality, but in the vast and unchecked world of your mind, you're looking for Mr. Anybody Else.

3. You're Building a Second Home

In a lot of marriages, there comes a time when you realize, "Hey, my husband isn't meeting all my needs. And I just have to accept that and start taking care of myself." This can be a healthy decision. Let's say you love all things literary, and he doesn't. So you join a book group, and maybe make some friends on Good Reads or Shelfari. Metaphorically speaking, you've built yourself a little room in your life and filled it with not just books but friends who love books. You have all kinds of wonderful conversations there.

Where things get dicey, says Doherty, is when you commit to more and more groups. As you get busier and busier, you build a room for each different activity, then fill that room with new intimates--now, you've built a gardening room and a PTA room, as well as a room for your weekly office drinks date. In fact, you have a whole house for your emotional life, and that doesn't include a room for your spouse.

One way to tell the difference between nurturing your own interests and moving out of your marriage, says Doherty, is to examine how you talk about your activities. If you're saying, "I've got to get my opera fix," on the way to the opera guild, then you're talking about your love of opera. But if you're saying, "I've got to do what I want," then you're looking for something much larger and more perilous for your relationship.

4. You're Keeping Coffee Dates Secret

After you've built the second home, there's often a tendency to hide what happens there. Let's say you and your friend--not your crush, not your secret love or your secret passion--from book club have coffee one afternoon. Over coffee, you two talk about the memoir Wild. You bring up your own mother's death. She brings up her own experimentation with drugs. The two of you share some pretty heavy intimacies. When you come home, your spouse asks what you did today. "I worked," you say. "And then I picked up the dry cleaning and called that guy about the car."

The problem is not that you shared an intimacy with somebody else, says Doherty, "but that you edited the event out of the conversation." In other words, you're hiding a meaningful exchange from the person you supposedly most trust--and you didn't give that person the opportunity to have that meaningful exchange with you. Another way to think about it? You took an emotional risk with someone, but you didn't (or couldn't or wouldn't) take the lesser risk of telling your spouse about it.

In all these situations, says Doherty, whether you recognize it or not, you're beginning to start a new life--as yourself, the individual, and not yourself, the part of a couple. At times, you may be convinced you're just giving yourself some space or giving your spouse some time to himself. But all that space and time can quickly turn into emotional light years. Thankfully, this distance can also lead to some clarity on whether or not you want to return back to where the two of you started--over thousands of revolutions of the planet that mark the rest of your experiences on earth.