Heartaches Everyone Needs to Have (Only Once)

A look at a few crucial lows that ensure we'll reach the higher, more glory-filled peaks

 

1. The Time They Didn't Love You (and You Stuck Around to Make Sure)
It's one of life's little horrible hangnails that gets infected and gives just about all of us gangrene of the soul. And yet it's inevitable: Not everybody is going to love us. It won't just be the lacrosse player we swooned over in eighth grade who didn't know we were alive, or the soul mate in our 40s whom we dated and thought we'd marry until he explained—ugh, kindly—that he was interested in "something easier." There'll also be all those less-obvious others: the boss who doesn't return our adoration, or the cool, funny mother in the mommy-and-me music class who never asked us to coffee even though we already asked her three times.
There's no sense to a lopsided affection, and I'm certainly not going to say that the pain created is worthwhile in some cosmic way. It just sucks, but it also just is. The far bigger and more damaging heartache occurs afterward, when you hang around the non-adorers on Facebook, outside their houses, at the cafés they frequent—to find out if they really, truly don't love you or if they'll change their mind, which, unfortunately, they almost never do. They, in fact, will waltz on to new adventures, made uncomfortable by your expectant gazes. But this is an agony you must experience, because while you can't keep your heart from getting broken, you can stop breaking your own heart—over and over into little black bits—once you realize the difference between what you can control and what you can't, and that it's far, far more fun to lavish all that attention on your own self-worth. 2. The Time You Cast Yourself as the Rock
Most of life is really just a school play: a bunch of creative, hopeful, almost mature people standing alone, waiting to be told who to be and what to do by a commanding voice in the distant dark of the theater. At least once, most of us will skip the horrors of that audition and cast ourselves as the rock in the background. This decision may be made due to fear ("I'd rather be safe and not-stared-at back here in my cardboard rock costume by the papier-mâché palm tree) or it may be made due to doubt ("I'm not a good enough singer to do a solo"), but either way, it lands you in the same place—crouched in a ball, wearing all gray and watching as somebody else dances and sings under the glory of the stage lights. Worse, the real pain is the understanding that it wasn't the talent of the other kids or the favoritism of the director that put you back there. It was you: You didn't raise your hand and try out.
Why, God, why is this moment necessary? I'd love to say that it's because we'll remember it when we're later faced with the job-of-a-lifetime interview or the ridiculously handsome (single!) stranger or the coveted nomination for class parent—and thus put ourselves out there this time, boldly and unafraid. That may be true, but it's not the reason why this horrible moment is so wonderfully crucial. When we're crouching there, frozen and unseen, we start naming all the qualities that should have made us a star, and this is the list we must keep with us for the rest of our lives, a list that only comes to us in that moment of self-imposed invisibility. Because paradoxically enough, when we do become the leading lady or man (and we will, eventually, in one kind of situation or another), and after we've been feted and applauded, what usually comes to mind is the list of reasons we should have been stuck back in the background. At that moment, you will have the previous list. Recite it loudly, believe it fully—and take a bow. 

 3. The Time You Talked Out Your Tuchis
My friend Annie walked into a job interview for a marketing position and chatted enthusiastically about touchdowns and shoulder pads, only to find out 15 minutes later that Frankie's Football Company was a soccer ball distributor because Frankie comes from Brazil. Another version: My neighbor Bella chatted to flirty, funny Dan all night about getting together for drinks in the neighborhood, only to find out the next week his name is really Don and he's in AA. The embarrassment, the endless what-ifs that result after such crash-and-burn episodes—some people might say these experiences will teach us to do our research before opening our mouths. Maybe that's true. But mortifications of this sort do have more immediate uses. For example, during the blunder, you might think to yourself, "Oh God, why didn't I do my homework?" Right at that moment, you have the chance to answer that question specifically. Maybe you didn't do it because you were thinking about all the imagined perks (the job, the guy) that might result instead of the reality (this job, this guy). Maybe you were busy thinking about how much this opportunity would please somebody else (mom?). Most times, when you really, really desire something, you'll find it sufficiently engaging to learn the vocabulary and facts needed to at least chat with authority about it—and it won't be homework; it won't even be a labor of love. It'll just be the effortless act of discovering what already fascinates you.
4. The Time You Tried Mom's Face Cream Before the Dance

This is a true story. I went to an all-girls school. Even among my own gender, I was not admired or sophisticated or attuned to the ways of womanhood. One Friday night, there was the Snowflake Dance, and, as it happened, I'd read an article in Seventeen (I was 15, of course) about the need to put on moisturizer before applying concealer. That morning, I took my mother's Estée Lauder before-bed cream and rubbed it all over my cheeks and eyes, and then slathered on a number of other seductive-looking, exotic-smelling potions and pigments, all of which caused my skin to explode in hives two hours later. I can't believe I'm saying this, but walking into a gym filled with teenage boys and (much tougher) teenage girls, your face the color and consistency of grated tomato, is a horror everybody should go through. Standing in a corner wanting to die will not make you a strong person. But it will make you realize that regardless of whether you laugh it off or hide or flee the scene, the result will be the same. The guy who's going to like you will laugh with you. The guy who won't will continue to dance with your best friend. No one dance changes much, just as later in life, no one night at a club or a benefit or a college reunion changes much. These are dark, drunken and, for the most part, predetermined events—regardless of the glitter ball and silver balloons. The sooner you bomb out at what you hoped would be the most Cinderella moment in life, the sooner you realize that real fairy tales begin at the dry cleaners or the dog park, places where you might actually meet a dark, handsome stranger and talk to him about what matters—why your mutt, for example, can just be called a mutt instead of shepherd-Lab mix. Because not everything in this life needs an upgrade.
 5. The Time You Said the Totally Wrong Thing

Your best friend walked down the aisle with a rage-prone, ignorant dippo wearing flip-flops and a Hooters T-shirt...and you said, "Good luck!" Your mom adjusted her cancer wig...and you said, "Think of it like a hat. A hairy hat." Your friend lost her dog, your husband lost his job, your son developed an allergy to wheat, eggs, fruit, milk and chicken...and you said, "It will be all right." All these exchanges have one thing in common: You lay in bed at night afterward, sick with the knowledge that you expressed the last thing on earth that the people who count on you needed to hear. There is no glory in this, but there is valor—and not because you will somehow discover the right words to say later. There are no right words in some situations, and for many of us, moving our mouths into the shape of our thoughts will remain forever impossible. By failing to say the right thing, however, we're forced to rely on other ways of talking: baking the casserole, giving the bath, holding the tissue or picking up the medicine. We are fluent in so many languages.

Things Keeping You from Being in a Miraculous Relationship

The author of Brotherhood and founder of The Chopra Foundation helps us understand how to revitalize our lifelong unions.

 Relationships are hard work, and the idea that you can be in a miraculous relationship needs explaining. What is a miraculous relationship? It's one where both partners grow spiritually, increasing in love, personal evolution and shared experience of the soul.

Three major obstacles keep this from happening, and you can watch them operating in your own relationship if you look closely, with open eyes and honest intent: control (the need for one person to coerce the other into doing things "My way"), competition (the need to turn every situation into win or lose) and lack of communication (the refusal to share how you feel and to hear how your partner feels).

1. Working on Control

Controlling people can be identified by a few primary characteristics: (1) their way is best; (2) they find ways to excuse themselves while at the same time finding fault with others; (3) they are perfectionists—other people's work is never good enough to meet their standards; (4) they think they know what's best for other people; and (5) they sound reasonable on the surface but are tightly wound underneath, leading to an irrational need to have every detail be perfect—anything less than perfect just isn't "right," as defined by them, of course.

If you are in a relationship where these ingredients dominate, either in your partner or yourself, change will be very difficult. Control freaks are too afraid to change, and whenever change appears, they become agitated inside, causing them to double up on their control.

Fortunately, control is rarely so extreme. It exists as an obstacle mostly when two people start arguing over "my way" versus "your way." Telltale signs of controlling behavior can be found in typical statements that come up time and again, such as: (1) "You know I'm right."; (2) "I have this covered, leave everything to me."; (3) "I only have your best interests at heart."; (4) "You didn't do it right, how often do I have to remind you?"; (5) "Why do I always have to clean up your mess?"; (6) "You left a dirty dish in the sink again."

If you recognize yourself as the taskmaster, perfectionist, neat freak or the possessive one in your relationship, pause and confront this obstacle. What you need to work on is to remove the underlying tension that always exists if another person feels controlled—they are being slowly suffocated. Your good intentions don't matter, because no matter how neat the house is, how perfectly you raise the children, how skillfully you manage every detail, if your partner is being suffocated, your controlling behavior is leading to trouble. If you do, your partner will see changes that will help him or her start to soften their resistance.

The Character of You

The Character of You
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all
is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you
you love, well, that’s just fabulous.
CA R R I E B R A D S H AW, S E X A N D T H E C I T Y

It’s about not buying a Prada bag if you can’t afford to pay the
credit card bills. It’s about not agreeing to go for sushi if you are
not a fan of raw fish. It’s about not saying that you’re twenty-nine
if you are really thirty-five. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t
have to love sushi. You don’t have to be young. You don’t have to
go along to get along. All you have to be is genuine. Trust me,
there is someone out there who wants you precisely for who you
are and what you have to offer. You just have to figure out what
that is first.

The Science of Intuition: "That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? That intuition? It's real."

When to Listen to Your Gut...and When Not To

That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? It's real.

O Magazine - Oprah Winfrey

You're faced with a difficult decision, and suddenly you feel the right answer in your gut. But while intuition may seem to arise from some mysterious inner source, it's actually a form of unconscious reasoning—one that's rooted in the way our brains collect and store information.
As you accumulate knowledge—whether it's about what books your spouse likes or how to play chess—you begin to recognize patterns. Your brain unconsciously organizes these patterns into blocks of information—a process the late social scientist Herbert Simon, PhD, called chunking. Over time your brain chunks and links more and more patterns, then stores these clusters of knowledge in your long-term memory. When you see a tiny detail of a familiar design, you instantly recognize the larger composition—and that's what we regard as a flash of intuition.
This elaborate brain circuitry likely evolved so our forebears could size up a person or a situation quickly. Our female ancestors, in particular, needed this skill: They had to tune in to their infants to enable them to survive. And this helps explain why women today have an edge when it comes to reading people. So listen to your gut feelings instead of brushing them aside. Your intuition may not always steer you right, but it can be a useful first step in decision-making.
Listen to your intuition when you're...
Doing something you're experienced in. Intuition is really learned expertise in disguise. So if you've played tennis your whole life, go with your instinct on the court instead of thinking through each stroke.
Considering getting a second opinion. "Listening to your body's signals can help prevent bigger health problems," says Judith Orloff, MD, a psychiatrist at UCLA and author of Second Sight. If your doctor dismisses a nagging symptom as "nothing serious" but you're still convinced there's something wrong—go with your hunch.
Shopping for a home. Don't just endlessly analyze the financials; listen to your gut. Studies have found that purchasers are more satisfied with a big-budget item when the decision is made incorporating unconscious thought rather than by conscious deliberation alone.
Let your head decide when you're...
Sniffing out a lie. "There are no easily detectable signs that indicate lying, so even if you're adept at reading people, you can't infer dishonesty based on the other person's gestures or behavior," says David Myers, PhD, author of Intuition: Its Powers and Perils.
Hiring someone for a job. If there's a contest between your positive gut feeling and what work samples and recommendations tell you, forget your gut. "Your intuition may be based on something superficial—like whether the candidate reminds you of a close friend—that has nothing to do with performance," says Myers. — Lauren Dzubow

That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? That intuition? It's real, says Helen Fisher, PhD. Plus, when you should listen to your intuition, and when you should let your brain decide.

Secrets Never to Keep in a Relationship

Secrets Never to Keep in a Relationship

 If you've been hiding any of this stuff, it's time to fess up.

 

You've maxed out the credit cards and you're the only one who sees the bills every month.
"Secretly spending and trying to hide the purchases is a big indicator that there's not a lot of trust in your relationship," says Ian Kerner, a relationship expert and author of Passionista. Try to figure out why you're not disclosing what you buy: Do you feel that your decisions are being ridiculed? Does your husband tend to control the majority of the money or your relationship overall? Or do you have a problem with compulsive spending? Then, come clean. Explain that you know you spent too much, but that there's a reason you didn't share--for example, you haven't felt comfortable expressing your needs in general recently. Use this mistake as an opportunity to get on the same page about not just money, but also about how to effectively communicate and stand by your wants and needs. Kerner then suggests devising a budget in which you both allocate funds for personal discretionary spending, which will help set you up as financial equals. And make an agreement that any time you're considering making a purchase over a set amount, say $100, you'll discuss it with each other before you plunk down your credit card. 

You've been sexually unsatisfied... for a while. Telling your hubs that you've been faking it since giving birth six months ago would downright devastate him. Since he likely thinks he's been doing a great job, avoid throwing grenade into your relationship and instead approach him with a new fantasy that you'd like try. "Have a vision about what would excite you and then present the sexy wish," says Kerner. Suggest using a vibrator together, trying a new position, or simply locking your bedroom door if you're worried about the kids and having a hard time concentrating. It's natural that passion ebbs and flows in a relationship--and just because it's on the low-end right now doesn't mean that situation's permanent.

You confided in one of the kids about something you should have told your man only. You and your husband had a disagreement. Instead of letting bygones be bygones, you make a derogatory comment about him behind his back--to your kid. And this may not be the first time you've bashed your man in front of your children. "Forming alliances with your kids not only creates a wedge in your marriage, but it can also cause anxiety for kids, who you're burdening with issues that they shouldn't have to know about and simply can't handle," says Kerner. The best way to resolve the situation is to open up a three-way conversation. Tell your husband what you've been up to and that you recognize it's a problem. Then have a conversation with your kid letting them know that dumping on their dad was a mistake and that it won't happen again. Either on your own or with the help of a therapist, try to figure out the root of your negative emotions, and work to tell your husband--not another person outside of your marriage--when you're angry with him.

You've been pouring a glass or two before the kids and your hubby get home a lot lately. It's one thing to go out with some of your friends and have a couple of cocktails, but if you're drinking to self-soothe, there's a good chance you might have a problem. "Drinking and hiding it is a classic pattern of substance abuse," says Kerner. If you think an issue is starting to develop, talk through your concerns with your husband. Are you lonely or bored with parenthood? Do you need to change your career?" Assure him that you're asking for his help because you don't like what's happening," says Kerner. If opening up about the problem alone isn't prompting you to cut back, Alcoholics Anonymous can help figure out next steps.

Something he said in that last argument really did matter--and you didn't say anything. Now you feel like you've been hiding feelings of resentment.
It started as a fight about who should come home to relieve the babysitter and ended in you both taking a couple of cheap shots. But the mud he slung is still smarting-and every time you think about it, your blood boils. Over time, bottling up your emotions creates resentment, which can lead to feeling perpetually angry with your partner. Ultimately, if you don't express yourself, you'll just lash out at each other and say hurtful things that you really don't mean. "It's not bad to argue-fighting is a form of communication-but you have to be constructive," says Kerner. "As a couple, you need to learn how to complain about solvable problems instead of criticizing each other." Start by fessing up to why you're still upset and work to clear the air. Then move on by developing guidelines for how to argue more productively, such as instigating a no-name-calling rule. 

Something from your past has come to haunt you, and it was so long ago that you never clued him in.
Some not-so-classy pictures from a spring-break fling have found their way onto Facebook. Or that time you got arrested in college all of a sudden popped up on a Google search of your name. It's not easy, but it's better to fill your husband in before he discovers this stuff on his own. "When you don't share your past experiences as they come up, you miss an opportunity to get your partner's support and feel closer," says Sue Johnson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Say something like, "It's hard to tell you this, but I've recently been reminded of something happened a long time ago, and it's really bothering me. Can you listen to the story?"

Your diet has gotten really extreme. You know it's not a good idea, but hey, you are losing weight.
"We usually get 'extreme' in response to stress-which is just the time when you should turn to someone you love for support," says Johnson. "They can help us find our emotional balance." Since food issues are potentially damaging to those around you too, you shouldn't face them alone. "While it might seem like handling it on your own is the responsible thing to do, your partner is likely to become hurt and angry that you didn't share or confide in him," adds Johnson. She suggests broaching the subject by saying, "I have been restricting myself around food a lot, and this seems to have a life of its own now. I'm worried that I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need to share it with you." But if you suspect you have or may be developing an eating disorder, merely speaking with a loved one isn't going to fix things. Consider getting professional help by contacting the National Eating Disorders Association.

You've started to feel down... way down.
"Depression interferes with your ability to engage with others and tune into them," says Johnson. "It will definitely affect your ability to be a really loving parent or partner. But we've found in couples therapy that an important step in coming out of depression is connecting with your partner." So tell your husband that you've been sinking into a bad place, and that you don't know what to do about it. Share your fear surrounding talking about your feelings-that it's scary because you don't want your guy to think less of you or see you as someone who can't cope. "In the best relationships, people don't have to be perfect-but they do have to be present," says Johnson. And that's hard to do if you're hiding your feelings of vulnerability. While it's important to tell your man if you've been down in the dumps, it's vital to seek professional help if the black cloud doesn't seem to lift on its own. Find a therapist through the American Psychological Association. 

A Lot Like Love Quotes

A Lot Like Love Quotes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0391304/quotes

 Emily Friehl: Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love.

Oliver Martin: Emily, I'm flat broke. I don't have a job. I don't have a plan. And I know, I know I'm probably six years too late, but will you give me strike one back?

Graham Martin: [pointing to his son] You should get one.

Oliver Martin: That was the plan. Instead I'm almost 30, unemployed, and living with mom and dad.

Graham Martin: Oliver. This is your life. Right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.

Graham Martin: Oliver, this is your life. You can't wait for it to just to get you up on your feet.

Oliver Martin: [annoyed] Gabe the babe.

Oliver Martin: The thing is, how can I be there for her if I don't even have my thing figured out? You know?

Ellen Martin: God, Oliver! You are such a dick! C'mon, let's just start without him!

Oliver Martin: Well, if it wasn't love, it was a lot like it.

Oliver Martin: My brother's deaf, Em. I can go days without talking.

Emily Friehl: Don't... you'll ruin it.

Emily Friehl: This is your trip, it's happening right now

[Takes Oliver's camera and takes a picture of her crotch]

Oliver Martin: [sarcastically] Oh Great! All the places I have traveled!

Oliver Martin: What's your stance on pancakes?

Emily Friehl: I am pro-pancakes.

Oliver Martin: Bon Jovi get a big record contract or somethin'?

Emily Friehl: His name's not Bon Jovi.

Oliver Martin: Oh.

Emily Friehl: He plays guitar.

Oliver Martin: Everyone plays guitar.

Emily Friehl: You play guitar?

Oliver Martin: No.

Emily Friehl: Strike two.

Oliver Martin: Actually, I'm here visiting my brother. He's a lawyer. Well, he's going to be. He's in law school, so...

Emily Friehl: Is that what you wanna do, too?

Oliver Martin: I don't know. I just finished school.

Emily Friehl: Don't people usually graduate in June?

Oliver Martin: Yeah.

Emily Friehl: It's almost a year ago. You still don't have a job?

Oliver Martin: What are you, my mom?

Emily Friehl: I don't know, when you look at me, do you see your mom?

Oliver Martin: Well... Guess when I'm an old man, I'll never have to wonder, "What if?"...

Oliver Martin: Let it go, smile, you're with me.

A Lot Like Love Videos

Why I'm Happier in a Sexless Marriage

Why I'm Happier in a Sexless Marriage

By Redbook | SHE – Tue 26 Nov, 2013 8:03 PM IST

  Husbands and Wives - A Woody Allen movie

  http://youtu.be/esOtI9Ukqwo

    

The film is about two couples: Jack (Pollack) and Sally (Davis), and Gabe (Allen) and Judy (Farrow). The film starts when Jack and Sally arrive at Gabe and Judy's apartment and announce their separation. Gabe is shocked, but Judy takes the news personally and is very hurt. Still confused, they go out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

A few weeks later Sally goes to the apartment of a colleague. They plan to go out together to the opera and then to dinner. Sally asks if she can use his phone, and calls Jack. Learning from him that he has met someone, she accuses him of having had an affair during their marriage.

Judy and Gabe are introduced to Jack's new girlfriend, Sam, an aerobics trainer. While Judy and Sam shop, Gabe calls Jack's new girlfriend a "cocktail waitress" and tells him that he is crazy for leaving Sally for her. About a week later, Judy introduces Sally to Michael (Neeson), Judy's magazine colleague. Michael asks Sally out.

Meanwhile, Gabe has developed a friendship with a student of his, Rain, and has her read the manuscript for his working novel. She comments on its brilliance, though has several criticisms, to which Gabe reacts defensively due to its autobiographical nature.

Less than two weeks later, Jack and Sally are back together and the couple meet Judy and Gabe for dinner like old times. After dinner, Judy and Gabe get into an argument about her not sharing her poetry with him, then argue about many things. After Gabe makes a failed pass at her, Judy tells him that she thinks the relationship was over; a week later Gabe moves out. Judy begins seeing Michael.

Michael tells Judy he needs time alone, then says he can't help still having feelings for Sally. Judy becomes frustrated with Michael and walks out into the rain. Highlighting her "passive aggressiveness," Michael follows and begs her to stay with him. A year and a half later they marry.

At the end, the audience sees a pensive Jack and Sally back together. Jack and Sally admit their marital problems still exist (her frigidity is not solved), but they find they accept their problems as simply the price they have to pay to remain together.

Gabe is living alone because he says he's out of the race and doesn't want to hurt anyone. He said that he realized how much how he messed up with his relationship with Judy. The film ends with an immediate cut to black after Gabe pleads with the unseen documentary crew, "Can I go? Is this over?"

Can a long-term union be happy without sex? One 34-year-old mom says yes. She anonymously shares all the not-so-dirty details of why not getting busy led to her wedded bliss. As told to Anna Davies, REDBOOK.

  

My husband and I met at 24, got married at 26, and had our daughter at 29. Now we're both 34, and we've probably only had sex six or so times in the past year.

And honestly? We're perfectly happy. It's something I wouldn't ever tell my friends, but it works for our marriage. My husband is my best friend, my soul mate… and our marriage is fine the way it is--without any acrobatic Kama Sutra-type moves. 

I'm not a prude. I lost my virginity when I was 16. I've used a vibrator. I've read Fifty Shades of Grey. I appreciate the idea of sex, but I feel about it like I feel about working out: I know there are a ton of people who love it and can't get enough of it, I know it's good, I know I'll enjoy it when I'm actually doing it, but it takes a lot to drag me off the couch (or into bed).

My husband's the same way. Even when he and I first began dating, it seemed like we felt a lot closer talking under the covers than we did having sex. We enjoyed sex when it happened, but it never felt like the main point of our relationship. Now, 10 years later, he and I definitely make time for intimacy--we have date nights, we cuddle on the couch, we'll even sleep naked together sometimes in the summer--but we also don't have sex unless both of us are really raring to go.

It's not that I'm not attracted to my husband. He's hot! And I know he's attracted to me too. Despite my earlier comment about the gym, we both do stay in shape, and our lack of sex doesn't have anything to do with how we feel about each other physically. It'd be one thing if we suddenly stopped having sex, but since we've always been like this, it just feels right. 

I know what you're thinking: That he probably watches porn behind my back, or that he secretly wishes that we'd both get more action, but that's not the case. It's something we've talked about. While we like having sex with each other when we have it, we're just not super-sexual people. In fact, he's confessed that before he met me, he always wondered if something was wrong with him because he didn't think about sex as much as stereotypical guys seem to. And to be honest, we did have sex pretty regularly when we first started dating. But the more comfortable we got with each other, the less essential it was for either of us. We probably did it once or twice a month for the first few years of our marriage. Then, I had a really tough pregnancy, and we maybe had sex twice. And honestly, once our daughter was born, we didn't miss it. I asked my husband how he felt, and he's pretty happy about the groove we're in. Now that we're parents, it's really comforting to be able to end the day cuddling and know that it's not "supposed" to lead to anything more.

In fact, I think in a lot of ways, not relying on sex makes our marriage more honest. We don't have "make-up sex" and we don't have sex as a way to mask all the things that aren't going right in our lives. Instead, we have to talk and face up to what's not working. I think that sex can solve a lot of everyday issues, but it doesn't cover up the larger ones that lurk below the surface. Not having sex be a regular part of our routine means we've had to work harder to fulfill each other's emotional needs. For example, after I've had a hard day, my husband will take on dinner prep and put our daughter to bed. It's not because he expects anything; it's just that he sees what I need and responds to it.

 What would I do if my husband wanted more sex? Well, then, he wouldn't be my husband. I don't mean I wouldn't have married him, but I do think one of the reasons why we get along so well is because we're both on the same wavelength in terms of how much importance we place on our sex lives. Everyone is born with different sex drives--and I believe that problems arise when couples have wildly different sexual needs. But I don't think that my husband and I are weird or abnormal in that neither of us is especially interested in sex. We're human, and if I did surprise him one night by showing up in the bedroom clad only in lingerie, then I'm sure he would react appropriately. But at the end of the day, that wouldn't be me, or us.

A few years ago, I was at a brunch with some close girlfriends when the subject turned to sex. One woman shared that she didn't think a marriage without frequent sex was "real," going on to say that it was more like a roommate relationship. Let me make one thing clear: My husband is far more than my roommate. Not only is he the father of my daughter, he's also the person I love and trust more than anyone in the world. And I don't need to do the deed a certain number of times a week to know that's true.