Things Being a Nurse Teaches About Relationships

 'Love' from a nurse's point of view:Truth be told, I have a love-hate relationship with the profession. I hate working overnight and the work can be very stressful, but the flexibility is awesome - and then of course there's the fact that I get to witness, you know, birth.However, over the years, I've come to appreciate a lot of the lessons that nursing has taught me. It's been both a stress on my marriage and a blessing, providing us with a means to financial security while my husband finished school and a flexible schedule that has allowed me to be the primary stay-at-home mom that I wanted to be to our three children. But working night shifts, leaving my husband alone for sometimes 24 hours at a time, and recuperating from some of the emotions that hit hard on my psyche, with a profession that names caring as a foundation, isn't exactly a soothing balm on the relationship front either.Nursing has plunged me into what feels like the heartbeat of the world - full of life, drama, and packed lunches and hurried kisses out of the door as I said goodbye to my husband and daughter who were settling in for the night. It's sometimes hard to turn off your brain, which is set on caring for your own family all day (or night), and head into work a shift that is completely about caring for another's family all day (or night) as if they were your own. 

It's true that nursing is definitely not for the faint of heart.

I've been pooped on, puked on, witnessed birth, death and everything in between, and through it all, I can't help but realize something:

That the tenants of working as a nurse have a surprising amount in common with what it takes to maintain a relationship.

From lessons on teamwork to celebrating the everyday moments that make a love last, it's taken me six years of marriage and six years of working as a nurse to see that the profession that makes my bread and butter might have been teaching me more than I knew about love all along.

1. Teamwork rules

Honestly, the #1 lesson of working as a nurse is that teamwork rules, which is true in any relationship. Not only is supporting your team member important because it shows that you are willing to pitch in and help when needed, but you never know when that favor will be returned. Teamwork really is the only way to survive working in a hospital - or living in a long-term relationship. A helpful attitude begets a helpful attitude, right?

2. Life is made of the big … and small moments

Spending 12 and 1/2 hours a day with patients, you hear a lot about their lives, and what's interesting is that the moments that stand out are often those you wouldn't always think twice over. Someday, if I wind up spending my last days in the hospital, I hope to have all the memories - large and small - with the one I love.

3. A loving environment matters

It might sound like a small thing, but I'll never forget the woman I cared for whose husband took such great pains to decorate her room with touches of the home they had shared for so long. Her favorite blanket, scented candles, and pictures of them, wind-swept and sun-tanned together, were a living display of their love ... even when the doctors told him she would never come home. Creating an environment together that you can make memories and a life together with is so important.

4. Holidays are just days Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter - healthcare workers don't exactly get the holidays off. But I love the ingenuity of nurses who have Santa come a day early or make anniversaries when they can. They know it's not the date on the calendar that matters - it's spending time with the ones you love.

5. Everything bad happens at 3 AM

From breakups to sicknesses to deaths, it's a fact of nursing life that stuff hits the fan at 3 AM. And it's not usually happy stuff. So you might just want to be on the lookout for that dark hour in your relationship ...

Science of a Perfect Relationship: We're not the only ones spending all our time thinking about L.O.V.E. and romance (and not just because Valentine's Day is looming). Researchers are always looking to understand the inner workings of a happy relationship through science. Now, it seems they have. May we present to you the Frankenstein's monster of relationship studies, which cobbles together all of qualities needed to be a successful couple. Your mind's about to be blown.

Science of a Perfect Relationship

We're not the only ones spending all our time thinking about L.O.V.E. and romance (and not just because Valentine's Day is looming). Researchers are always looking to understand the inner workings of a happy relationship through science. Now, it seems they have. May we present to you the Frankenstein's monster of relationship studies, which cobbles together all of qualities needed to be a successful couple. Your mind's about to be blown.

For starters, put down that phone. Members of a happy relationship don't text all that much. And, they certainly don't fight or make important emotional decisions over text. Phone calls, however, are acceptable. Though, if you do fight, you should try to have "angry but honest" conversations earlier on in the relationship. Apparently, it will make you happier in the long run.

In terms of your choice of mate, ideally, you'd be in a gay relationship. One study says that homosexual couples are "happier and more positive," whereas straight couples were less likely to make time for each other, pursue common interest, or successfully communicate. Shocking. If you're not gay, you can still avail of the benefits of a first-born/last-born match. This particular pairing feeds the oldest child's caretaker needs, and the youngest child's desire to be emotionally minded. Then, there's the third option of being in a straight, feminist relationship. Both men and women reported being happier when their partner was a feminist. Boom.  

What else? You should both be college-educated and laugh at the same jokes. Also, couples who upped their sexy time from once a month to once a week were much, much happier. Though, the same study warns that couples who waited over a month to have sex for the first time were generally happier long-term. Are you writing this all down?
The list of qualities is actually quite extensive, but it's interesting to see how the scientific community gives love and the quality of relationships so much attention. Check out the full checklist, but remember that no union will have all these things. It wouldn't be any fun if it were perfect, right?

Single Forever

We’re All Going to Be Single Forever Because No One Knows When They’re On a Date Anymore

http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/01/21/were-all-going-to-be-single-forever-because-no-one-knows-when-theyre-on-a-date-anymore/ 

New Dating Rules: The Subtleties of 'Relationship Lite'

 I’ve been seeing someone for a few months. We text daily. When we hang out there’s always a sober sleepover involved. We’ve met (and like) each other’s friends. We know each other’s middle names. We haven’t decided whether or not we should be exclusive with one another, but there’s a level of intimacy and romance there that’s hard to find in the New York dating scene. We’ve entered a phase I like to call "Relationship Lite."

It’s that nebulous stage when you’re spending so much time together that other prospects start to fade away, deeper feelings start to develop, and you may have a toothbrush at his place. However, you're probably both still having sex with other people.  

In February, Helen Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, conducted an annual study called "Singles in Americs" in partnership with Match.com. Based on a representative sample of the American public, 45 percent of people said that a casual, friends-with-benefits scenario had developed into a long-term partnership.

My guy and I did—partially because I felt like I was supposed to, and partially because a newlywed friend thought I would get hurt if I didn't. Nothing really came out of it. For us, all the talking in the world wouldn't change the inopportune timing. He's still emotionally unavailable; I’m still flip-flopping between not wanting a boyfriend and wanting more. Let's just say we're still straight-up Relationship Lite.  

I used to think people's fear of commitment stemmed from too many options—that pesky idea that someone more attractive, smarter, richer, or better in bed was just around the corner. Most single people I know date and sleep with multiple people at once, and I suppose they do it mostly because they can. In a city like New York, you can have your regular thing in Greenpoint and side fling in TriBeCa—those two probably won’t cross paths.  

Sexual exclusivity is often used as a metaphor for a relationship without having to discuss actual feelings. But by blindly agreeing to it, you might really be entering into a slightly more serious subset of Relationship Lite. It's a strategic move that still allows for small print: I won’t shag anyone else, but you’re not invited home for Thanksgiving. “We became exclusive because we didn’t want to use condoms anymore,” one friend told me, her rationale echoing that of so many others I spoke to. “But it was two more months before he called me his girlfriend.”

The breaking point is different for everyone. Perhaps it’s the realization that he’s still sleeping with someone else, you didn't get invited on a group vacation, or he still introduces you as his “friend”—even though you’ve been seeing each other for months. And just because you talked a few weeks ago and were cool being exclusive-but-casual or consistent-but-non-exclusive, or whatever, doesn’t mean you should bite your tongue when suddenly that is no longer enough for you.

Personally, I’m coasting in Relationship Lite because I don’t know what role I want this guy to play in my life, and that’s something I need to consider before making even the most basic level of commitment. All the honesty and analyzing in the world isn’t the antidote to uncertainty. Relationship Lite allows you to explore—or just simply enjoy—someone when you aren’t exactly sure where they fit in.  

So I’m going to embrace it until, perhaps as soon as next week, I'm ready for Relationship Heavy.

Mistakes People Make When Meeting Someone New

Mistake #1: Offering to Order Everyone Drinks from the Open Bar

It doesn't look like a mistake. It doesn't smell like a mistake. In fact, it seems like exactly the right thing to do: Who doesn't love the lady with the tray of daiquiris? But according to contemporary research, When people do a favor for you, they tend to subconsciously justify their actions by assuming they helped you out because they like you. Plus, asking someone a favor makes her feel useful, which can be a generally pleasant sensation. So ask a new friend if she wouldn't mind bringing you a vodka soda from the open bar, and watch a sudden warmth bloom between you. (It's not just the vodka soda talking. It's SCIENCE.)

Mistake #2: Connecting by Complaining

Sharing gripes is an easy way to bond—after all, everyone has so many—but what starts as an ice-breaker can quickly launch a snark spiral. You have the right idea, which is to find common ground. Say a co-worker at your new job mentions the way your boss only invites a few favored employees to eat lunch with her every day—a habit you've noticed, as well. Instead of saying, "And another annoying thing she does is..." try something like, "I've never been a big fan of the middle-school cafeteria, either. Actually, I was thinking of going out to eat, but I can't decide where to go—do you know of a good place around here?" Something that acknowledges the complaints you share but redirects them in a more productive—or at least more neutral—way.

Mistake #3: Pretending That You Don't Know a Lot About Each Other, When You Actually Do

Let's acknowledge that it can be awkward to meet someone after having admired her Instagram food photography from afar, or having heard stories from mutual friends. So you say nothing; you pretend she really is a stranger, and that's even more awkward, because she probably knows that you know, and you know that she knows that you know and, oh, the whole run-around makes it seem like you aren't paying attention or simply don't care. There is nothing more off-putting than feeling like someone cares so little about you that they can't even be bothered to acknowledge your semi-shared history. Even if it feels weird, say, "I loved those cupcake photos you tagged Sam in," or even just the plain, vanilla, "The new girlfriend! Hi, I've heard so many wonderful things about you." Compliments: the easiest way to make potentially awkward situations more comfortable for everyone.

Mistake #4: Confusing Dominance and Confidence

Striking a wide-legged, straight-backed, confidence-exuding power pose (the way your career coach or favorite magazinectold you to) leaves a strong impression. Ask Amy Cuddy, the Harvard social psychologist who has done numerous stdies on how body language can actually change the way you feel, to the point of altering your body chemistry. If you stand up straight and take up more space with your body, you increase testosterone in your body, decrease cortisol and physically begin to feel more dominant. Which seems like the perfect stance for making a strong first impression. But it's not the only piece of the puzzle.

This same psychologist has also found that dominating someone is not the best way to gain his or her trust, and that to be powerful in any setting, you need to have that trust. Cuddy recently told Wired, "If you are trusting, if you project trust, people are more likely to trust you." Cuddy notes that people often think, "'I better get the floor first so that I can be in charge of what happens.' The problem with this is that you don't make the other person feel warmth toward you. Warmth is really about making the other person feel understood. They want to know that you understand them." Her suggestion? Project trust by letting the other person speak first.

Mistake #5: Introducing People in the Wrong Order

Here is the mistake you never knew you were making, because 99.9 percent of the time, it isn't actually a faux pas. But that .1 percent of the time that it comes up, you have a chance to get this 100 percent right. It's really easy, and invisible to everyone but the elderly and extremely proper: When introducing people to one another, speak first to the person you want to honor, and be sure to use both of their full names and titles. Which is to say, when the city councilman visits your church and you want to connect him with your friend, you say, "Councilman Fredericks, may I introduce my friend Billy Williams. Billy, this is Councilman Fred Fredericks." Look at you, acing your fancy-etiquette opportunity with flying colors.

Heartaches Everyone Needs to Have (Only Once)

A look at a few crucial lows that ensure we'll reach the higher, more glory-filled peaks

 

1. The Time They Didn't Love You (and You Stuck Around to Make Sure)
It's one of life's little horrible hangnails that gets infected and gives just about all of us gangrene of the soul. And yet it's inevitable: Not everybody is going to love us. It won't just be the lacrosse player we swooned over in eighth grade who didn't know we were alive, or the soul mate in our 40s whom we dated and thought we'd marry until he explained—ugh, kindly—that he was interested in "something easier." There'll also be all those less-obvious others: the boss who doesn't return our adoration, or the cool, funny mother in the mommy-and-me music class who never asked us to coffee even though we already asked her three times.
There's no sense to a lopsided affection, and I'm certainly not going to say that the pain created is worthwhile in some cosmic way. It just sucks, but it also just is. The far bigger and more damaging heartache occurs afterward, when you hang around the non-adorers on Facebook, outside their houses, at the cafés they frequent—to find out if they really, truly don't love you or if they'll change their mind, which, unfortunately, they almost never do. They, in fact, will waltz on to new adventures, made uncomfortable by your expectant gazes. But this is an agony you must experience, because while you can't keep your heart from getting broken, you can stop breaking your own heart—over and over into little black bits—once you realize the difference between what you can control and what you can't, and that it's far, far more fun to lavish all that attention on your own self-worth. 2. The Time You Cast Yourself as the Rock
Most of life is really just a school play: a bunch of creative, hopeful, almost mature people standing alone, waiting to be told who to be and what to do by a commanding voice in the distant dark of the theater. At least once, most of us will skip the horrors of that audition and cast ourselves as the rock in the background. This decision may be made due to fear ("I'd rather be safe and not-stared-at back here in my cardboard rock costume by the papier-mâché palm tree) or it may be made due to doubt ("I'm not a good enough singer to do a solo"), but either way, it lands you in the same place—crouched in a ball, wearing all gray and watching as somebody else dances and sings under the glory of the stage lights. Worse, the real pain is the understanding that it wasn't the talent of the other kids or the favoritism of the director that put you back there. It was you: You didn't raise your hand and try out.
Why, God, why is this moment necessary? I'd love to say that it's because we'll remember it when we're later faced with the job-of-a-lifetime interview or the ridiculously handsome (single!) stranger or the coveted nomination for class parent—and thus put ourselves out there this time, boldly and unafraid. That may be true, but it's not the reason why this horrible moment is so wonderfully crucial. When we're crouching there, frozen and unseen, we start naming all the qualities that should have made us a star, and this is the list we must keep with us for the rest of our lives, a list that only comes to us in that moment of self-imposed invisibility. Because paradoxically enough, when we do become the leading lady or man (and we will, eventually, in one kind of situation or another), and after we've been feted and applauded, what usually comes to mind is the list of reasons we should have been stuck back in the background. At that moment, you will have the previous list. Recite it loudly, believe it fully—and take a bow. 

 3. The Time You Talked Out Your Tuchis
My friend Annie walked into a job interview for a marketing position and chatted enthusiastically about touchdowns and shoulder pads, only to find out 15 minutes later that Frankie's Football Company was a soccer ball distributor because Frankie comes from Brazil. Another version: My neighbor Bella chatted to flirty, funny Dan all night about getting together for drinks in the neighborhood, only to find out the next week his name is really Don and he's in AA. The embarrassment, the endless what-ifs that result after such crash-and-burn episodes—some people might say these experiences will teach us to do our research before opening our mouths. Maybe that's true. But mortifications of this sort do have more immediate uses. For example, during the blunder, you might think to yourself, "Oh God, why didn't I do my homework?" Right at that moment, you have the chance to answer that question specifically. Maybe you didn't do it because you were thinking about all the imagined perks (the job, the guy) that might result instead of the reality (this job, this guy). Maybe you were busy thinking about how much this opportunity would please somebody else (mom?). Most times, when you really, really desire something, you'll find it sufficiently engaging to learn the vocabulary and facts needed to at least chat with authority about it—and it won't be homework; it won't even be a labor of love. It'll just be the effortless act of discovering what already fascinates you.
4. The Time You Tried Mom's Face Cream Before the Dance

This is a true story. I went to an all-girls school. Even among my own gender, I was not admired or sophisticated or attuned to the ways of womanhood. One Friday night, there was the Snowflake Dance, and, as it happened, I'd read an article in Seventeen (I was 15, of course) about the need to put on moisturizer before applying concealer. That morning, I took my mother's Estée Lauder before-bed cream and rubbed it all over my cheeks and eyes, and then slathered on a number of other seductive-looking, exotic-smelling potions and pigments, all of which caused my skin to explode in hives two hours later. I can't believe I'm saying this, but walking into a gym filled with teenage boys and (much tougher) teenage girls, your face the color and consistency of grated tomato, is a horror everybody should go through. Standing in a corner wanting to die will not make you a strong person. But it will make you realize that regardless of whether you laugh it off or hide or flee the scene, the result will be the same. The guy who's going to like you will laugh with you. The guy who won't will continue to dance with your best friend. No one dance changes much, just as later in life, no one night at a club or a benefit or a college reunion changes much. These are dark, drunken and, for the most part, predetermined events—regardless of the glitter ball and silver balloons. The sooner you bomb out at what you hoped would be the most Cinderella moment in life, the sooner you realize that real fairy tales begin at the dry cleaners or the dog park, places where you might actually meet a dark, handsome stranger and talk to him about what matters—why your mutt, for example, can just be called a mutt instead of shepherd-Lab mix. Because not everything in this life needs an upgrade.
 5. The Time You Said the Totally Wrong Thing

Your best friend walked down the aisle with a rage-prone, ignorant dippo wearing flip-flops and a Hooters T-shirt...and you said, "Good luck!" Your mom adjusted her cancer wig...and you said, "Think of it like a hat. A hairy hat." Your friend lost her dog, your husband lost his job, your son developed an allergy to wheat, eggs, fruit, milk and chicken...and you said, "It will be all right." All these exchanges have one thing in common: You lay in bed at night afterward, sick with the knowledge that you expressed the last thing on earth that the people who count on you needed to hear. There is no glory in this, but there is valor—and not because you will somehow discover the right words to say later. There are no right words in some situations, and for many of us, moving our mouths into the shape of our thoughts will remain forever impossible. By failing to say the right thing, however, we're forced to rely on other ways of talking: baking the casserole, giving the bath, holding the tissue or picking up the medicine. We are fluent in so many languages.

Things Keeping You from Being in a Miraculous Relationship

The author of Brotherhood and founder of The Chopra Foundation helps us understand how to revitalize our lifelong unions.

 Relationships are hard work, and the idea that you can be in a miraculous relationship needs explaining. What is a miraculous relationship? It's one where both partners grow spiritually, increasing in love, personal evolution and shared experience of the soul.

Three major obstacles keep this from happening, and you can watch them operating in your own relationship if you look closely, with open eyes and honest intent: control (the need for one person to coerce the other into doing things "My way"), competition (the need to turn every situation into win or lose) and lack of communication (the refusal to share how you feel and to hear how your partner feels).

1. Working on Control

Controlling people can be identified by a few primary characteristics: (1) their way is best; (2) they find ways to excuse themselves while at the same time finding fault with others; (3) they are perfectionists—other people's work is never good enough to meet their standards; (4) they think they know what's best for other people; and (5) they sound reasonable on the surface but are tightly wound underneath, leading to an irrational need to have every detail be perfect—anything less than perfect just isn't "right," as defined by them, of course.

If you are in a relationship where these ingredients dominate, either in your partner or yourself, change will be very difficult. Control freaks are too afraid to change, and whenever change appears, they become agitated inside, causing them to double up on their control.

Fortunately, control is rarely so extreme. It exists as an obstacle mostly when two people start arguing over "my way" versus "your way." Telltale signs of controlling behavior can be found in typical statements that come up time and again, such as: (1) "You know I'm right."; (2) "I have this covered, leave everything to me."; (3) "I only have your best interests at heart."; (4) "You didn't do it right, how often do I have to remind you?"; (5) "Why do I always have to clean up your mess?"; (6) "You left a dirty dish in the sink again."

If you recognize yourself as the taskmaster, perfectionist, neat freak or the possessive one in your relationship, pause and confront this obstacle. What you need to work on is to remove the underlying tension that always exists if another person feels controlled—they are being slowly suffocated. Your good intentions don't matter, because no matter how neat the house is, how perfectly you raise the children, how skillfully you manage every detail, if your partner is being suffocated, your controlling behavior is leading to trouble. If you do, your partner will see changes that will help him or her start to soften their resistance.

The Character of You

The Character of You
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all
is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you
you love, well, that’s just fabulous.
CA R R I E B R A D S H AW, S E X A N D T H E C I T Y

It’s about not buying a Prada bag if you can’t afford to pay the
credit card bills. It’s about not agreeing to go for sushi if you are
not a fan of raw fish. It’s about not saying that you’re twenty-nine
if you are really thirty-five. You don’t have to be rich. You don’t
have to love sushi. You don’t have to be young. You don’t have to
go along to get along. All you have to be is genuine. Trust me,
there is someone out there who wants you precisely for who you
are and what you have to offer. You just have to figure out what
that is first.

The Science of Intuition: "That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? That intuition? It's real."

When to Listen to Your Gut...and When Not To

That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? It's real.

O Magazine - Oprah Winfrey

You're faced with a difficult decision, and suddenly you feel the right answer in your gut. But while intuition may seem to arise from some mysterious inner source, it's actually a form of unconscious reasoning—one that's rooted in the way our brains collect and store information.
As you accumulate knowledge—whether it's about what books your spouse likes or how to play chess—you begin to recognize patterns. Your brain unconsciously organizes these patterns into blocks of information—a process the late social scientist Herbert Simon, PhD, called chunking. Over time your brain chunks and links more and more patterns, then stores these clusters of knowledge in your long-term memory. When you see a tiny detail of a familiar design, you instantly recognize the larger composition—and that's what we regard as a flash of intuition.
This elaborate brain circuitry likely evolved so our forebears could size up a person or a situation quickly. Our female ancestors, in particular, needed this skill: They had to tune in to their infants to enable them to survive. And this helps explain why women today have an edge when it comes to reading people. So listen to your gut feelings instead of brushing them aside. Your intuition may not always steer you right, but it can be a useful first step in decision-making.
Listen to your intuition when you're...
Doing something you're experienced in. Intuition is really learned expertise in disguise. So if you've played tennis your whole life, go with your instinct on the court instead of thinking through each stroke.
Considering getting a second opinion. "Listening to your body's signals can help prevent bigger health problems," says Judith Orloff, MD, a psychiatrist at UCLA and author of Second Sight. If your doctor dismisses a nagging symptom as "nothing serious" but you're still convinced there's something wrong—go with your hunch.
Shopping for a home. Don't just endlessly analyze the financials; listen to your gut. Studies have found that purchasers are more satisfied with a big-budget item when the decision is made incorporating unconscious thought rather than by conscious deliberation alone.
Let your head decide when you're...
Sniffing out a lie. "There are no easily detectable signs that indicate lying, so even if you're adept at reading people, you can't infer dishonesty based on the other person's gestures or behavior," says David Myers, PhD, author of Intuition: Its Powers and Perils.
Hiring someone for a job. If there's a contest between your positive gut feeling and what work samples and recommendations tell you, forget your gut. "Your intuition may be based on something superficial—like whether the candidate reminds you of a close friend—that has nothing to do with performance," says Myers. — Lauren Dzubow

That little voice that nudges you when you're stuck between two choices? That intuition? It's real, says Helen Fisher, PhD. Plus, when you should listen to your intuition, and when you should let your brain decide.

Secrets Never to Keep in a Relationship

Secrets Never to Keep in a Relationship

 If you've been hiding any of this stuff, it's time to fess up.

 

You've maxed out the credit cards and you're the only one who sees the bills every month.
"Secretly spending and trying to hide the purchases is a big indicator that there's not a lot of trust in your relationship," says Ian Kerner, a relationship expert and author of Passionista. Try to figure out why you're not disclosing what you buy: Do you feel that your decisions are being ridiculed? Does your husband tend to control the majority of the money or your relationship overall? Or do you have a problem with compulsive spending? Then, come clean. Explain that you know you spent too much, but that there's a reason you didn't share--for example, you haven't felt comfortable expressing your needs in general recently. Use this mistake as an opportunity to get on the same page about not just money, but also about how to effectively communicate and stand by your wants and needs. Kerner then suggests devising a budget in which you both allocate funds for personal discretionary spending, which will help set you up as financial equals. And make an agreement that any time you're considering making a purchase over a set amount, say $100, you'll discuss it with each other before you plunk down your credit card. 

You've been sexually unsatisfied... for a while. Telling your hubs that you've been faking it since giving birth six months ago would downright devastate him. Since he likely thinks he's been doing a great job, avoid throwing grenade into your relationship and instead approach him with a new fantasy that you'd like try. "Have a vision about what would excite you and then present the sexy wish," says Kerner. Suggest using a vibrator together, trying a new position, or simply locking your bedroom door if you're worried about the kids and having a hard time concentrating. It's natural that passion ebbs and flows in a relationship--and just because it's on the low-end right now doesn't mean that situation's permanent.

You confided in one of the kids about something you should have told your man only. You and your husband had a disagreement. Instead of letting bygones be bygones, you make a derogatory comment about him behind his back--to your kid. And this may not be the first time you've bashed your man in front of your children. "Forming alliances with your kids not only creates a wedge in your marriage, but it can also cause anxiety for kids, who you're burdening with issues that they shouldn't have to know about and simply can't handle," says Kerner. The best way to resolve the situation is to open up a three-way conversation. Tell your husband what you've been up to and that you recognize it's a problem. Then have a conversation with your kid letting them know that dumping on their dad was a mistake and that it won't happen again. Either on your own or with the help of a therapist, try to figure out the root of your negative emotions, and work to tell your husband--not another person outside of your marriage--when you're angry with him.

You've been pouring a glass or two before the kids and your hubby get home a lot lately. It's one thing to go out with some of your friends and have a couple of cocktails, but if you're drinking to self-soothe, there's a good chance you might have a problem. "Drinking and hiding it is a classic pattern of substance abuse," says Kerner. If you think an issue is starting to develop, talk through your concerns with your husband. Are you lonely or bored with parenthood? Do you need to change your career?" Assure him that you're asking for his help because you don't like what's happening," says Kerner. If opening up about the problem alone isn't prompting you to cut back, Alcoholics Anonymous can help figure out next steps.

Something he said in that last argument really did matter--and you didn't say anything. Now you feel like you've been hiding feelings of resentment.
It started as a fight about who should come home to relieve the babysitter and ended in you both taking a couple of cheap shots. But the mud he slung is still smarting-and every time you think about it, your blood boils. Over time, bottling up your emotions creates resentment, which can lead to feeling perpetually angry with your partner. Ultimately, if you don't express yourself, you'll just lash out at each other and say hurtful things that you really don't mean. "It's not bad to argue-fighting is a form of communication-but you have to be constructive," says Kerner. "As a couple, you need to learn how to complain about solvable problems instead of criticizing each other." Start by fessing up to why you're still upset and work to clear the air. Then move on by developing guidelines for how to argue more productively, such as instigating a no-name-calling rule. 

Something from your past has come to haunt you, and it was so long ago that you never clued him in.
Some not-so-classy pictures from a spring-break fling have found their way onto Facebook. Or that time you got arrested in college all of a sudden popped up on a Google search of your name. It's not easy, but it's better to fill your husband in before he discovers this stuff on his own. "When you don't share your past experiences as they come up, you miss an opportunity to get your partner's support and feel closer," says Sue Johnson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Say something like, "It's hard to tell you this, but I've recently been reminded of something happened a long time ago, and it's really bothering me. Can you listen to the story?"

Your diet has gotten really extreme. You know it's not a good idea, but hey, you are losing weight.
"We usually get 'extreme' in response to stress-which is just the time when you should turn to someone you love for support," says Johnson. "They can help us find our emotional balance." Since food issues are potentially damaging to those around you too, you shouldn't face them alone. "While it might seem like handling it on your own is the responsible thing to do, your partner is likely to become hurt and angry that you didn't share or confide in him," adds Johnson. She suggests broaching the subject by saying, "I have been restricting myself around food a lot, and this seems to have a life of its own now. I'm worried that I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need to share it with you." But if you suspect you have or may be developing an eating disorder, merely speaking with a loved one isn't going to fix things. Consider getting professional help by contacting the National Eating Disorders Association.

You've started to feel down... way down.
"Depression interferes with your ability to engage with others and tune into them," says Johnson. "It will definitely affect your ability to be a really loving parent or partner. But we've found in couples therapy that an important step in coming out of depression is connecting with your partner." So tell your husband that you've been sinking into a bad place, and that you don't know what to do about it. Share your fear surrounding talking about your feelings-that it's scary because you don't want your guy to think less of you or see you as someone who can't cope. "In the best relationships, people don't have to be perfect-but they do have to be present," says Johnson. And that's hard to do if you're hiding your feelings of vulnerability. While it's important to tell your man if you've been down in the dumps, it's vital to seek professional help if the black cloud doesn't seem to lift on its own. Find a therapist through the American Psychological Association.