The Real Reasons Men Shut Down -- and How to Get Them to Open Up

 Chalk up throwing his pants on the floor, screaming at the quarterback like a bad pass is a personal insult, and never remembering to buy milk to the fact that he's a guy. What we can't understand is how to get him to talk when you most need him. So we asked real men and the experts to help us understand what's really going on inside when the lines of communication go radio silent.

 

His feelings matter, too

"Our feelings are just as important as your feelings. We shut down if we don't feel like we matter or that your agenda is more important than ours." - Chris, 38, Rochester, NY

Get him to open up: "Feelings mean different things to each of the sexes. Guys often feel by doing, women by saying," says Dr. Pollack. "It's a matter of translating one language into the other. Try saying, 'I'm really sorry. I know that your feelings are important, but I'm not clear what they are. Can you help me understand?'"

Give it to him point-blank

"Sometimes my wife wants something, but skirts around the issue and uses subtle clues rather than being direct, and it leaves me in the dark about what she really wants. Then it turns into a conflict because she ends up not getting what she needs and I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I shut down when I feel like she's not being completely honest and to the point." - Joe, 42, San Francisco, CA

Get him to open up: Though you may be thinking, "Why are you so slow?! I made it pretty obvious," try actually saying, "Oh, I thought I was being direct. I wasn't trying to withhold stuff, I just didn't want to tell you what to do. Tell me where you felt like I didn't say things directly." Asking for concrete situations will help you make changes in your approach next time.

Put romance in the air

"Men like to give you romance, but we also want romance and surprises. If I feel like I'm the only bringing romance to the relationship, then I feel drained, shut down, and don't want to do anything at all." - Aaron, 42, Liverpool, NY

Get him to open up: "A lot of men complain that they are the only ones who take the action in their relationships, and it sounds like he wants her to make the first move sometimes," says Dr. Pollack. When your guy is pulling away, you likely don't feel like being romantic, but to keep him from further retreating, say, "Honey, I'm feeling a little disconnected. How come we're not close now?" He may share that he feels he's initiating sex or bringing you flowers and he wants similar things in return. Acknowledge his desire will encourage him to open his heart.

A little praise goes a long way

"I need compliments, and to know that she's proud that I'm her husband. When she gives me that love, I come out of my shell very easily, but if I don't feel that loyalty and pride in our relationship, then I kind of check out emotionally." - Rich, 39, Winter Haven, FL

Get him to open up: "This is a complaint you hear from both sexes. Like women, men need not only compliments, but to hear that the woman is proud of them and really loves them," says Dr. Pollack. Your guy probably won't tap you on the shoulder and tell you that he needs you to spew kindness because he feels too ashamed. "But if you ask him why he's being distant and he says he needs you to say nice things to him, then you can make a mindful effort to do it more often, and you'll notice how his attitude changes."

Encourage him to be himself

"It's nice to be able to be 100 percent yourself with your wife, to be able to be completely vulnerable and show her everything. If you feel judged, you shut down." - Khiel, 38, Marcellus, NY

Get him to open up: "Men may act invulnerable, but they are not," says Dr. Pollack. "You can stop and say, 'Was there something I said that made you retreat?'" Then he can say, "Well, when I talked about that thing at work, it seemed like you were being critical." You might respond, "I didn't mean to be. If you ever feel like I'm being judgmental, please tell me and I'll stop." When he knows that you're willing to make adjustments, he'll be more likely to open up.

Give him the time he needs

"My wife pushes me to talk even if I'm not ready. This can lead to resentment, and me feeling like I'm not connected. Then I don't want to open up." - Mike, 37, New York, NY

Get him to open up: If he isn't ready to talk about something, pushing him will be the kiss of death. "You shouldn't wait six weeks to address the issue, but allowing him an hour or even half a day to calm down will make your conversation more productive," says Dr. Pollack. Once he's cooled down, tell him that you'd really like to address the problem so you can work on it together. If he still pulls away, say, "I understand it may take some time, but when is good for you to talk about it?" This allows him to choose the time and the place on his own terms, meaning he'll feel more in control and be more likely to share his feelings.

It's a game of give-and-take

"Maybe it's an emotional defense mechanism, but when our relationship starts to feel too one-sided, it makes me less likely to open up to her." - Dave, 40, Syracuse, NY

Get him to open up: Try saying, "You seem more distant. What's up?" This shows that you realize that he has been present in the past, and gives him an opportunity to state that he feels he has been taken for granted. Instead of giving him the laundry list of all the things you do to take care of the household and the family, try addressing his feelings by saying, "Can you tell me when you feel like I stopped giving my half?" "Doing this keeps him from being defensive, and gets him to talk about it so he feels like you're part of a team again," says Dr. Pollack.

Don't try to change him

"I shut down when I feel like she wants to change who I am and my core values. I open up when I feel that who I am is why she fell in love with me in the first place." - Lawrence, 36, Baltimore, MD

Get him to open up: "The best way to get a man to change is to not ask him to change, but to say, I love the fact that you do this and this - things you know he sees as his core values - and then mention something that he doesn't do, but that you'd like him to do without directly asking that he do it," says Dr. Pollack. If he's shutting off, one of your interactions can be, "I love what you usually do [insert something that reflects who he is here], so why did you stop?" He may say, "Well, you always want me to stop doing this and be someone else and you don't like me as a person." You can respond, "I love who you are as a person, and that's the most important thing to me." By telling him what you adore and appreciate, you'll encourage him to take a risk and try something new without shutting down.

Try to see where he's coming from, really

"I shut down when I feel frustrated that, no matter what I say, she will not see my point of view, and when I feel that if I keep on talking it will only make things worse. I back away to cut my losses and to keep the conversation from going even more wrong than it already has." - Dan, 42, Newburyport, MA

Get him to open up: If you're having an argument and your husband pulls away, wait a few minutes and say, "What's up? Why have you stopped talking?" If he can't explain it, do something together that he enjoys, and amidst the activity, say, "Maybe your point and mine are a little different, so let's talk about it." He'll be much more open to another point of view when he is in action mode - rather than sitting around and chatting.

Give him what he wants -- and needs

"I begin to pull away when I'm not getting my needs met even after I've expressed to her what I want. If she tells me what she wants and needs, I'll do all that I can to give it to her, so I want her to do the same thing for me." - Kyle, 34, Jersey City, NJ

Get him to open up: "He may think he's expressed what he wants, but she may not know it because he may not have been speaking her language," says Dr. Pollack. "This man is more vulnerable than he wants to feel, so you have to reach out across the divide." If he starts to pull away, ask him whether there's something he wanted but isn't getting, and let him know that he can tell you what he desires. He'll realize that it is still just as good if he gets what he wants after vocalizing it - rather than you trying to read his mind - and eventually you'll understand more easily, and be able to give him more of what he needs without him having to say it. 

Signs You have found "The One"

In love, is there really such thing as “the one”? The romantics among us would like to think so.

Who doesn’t appreciate the idea of that rare and wonderful person who stands above all others and ”gets you” in a way no one else ever could?

That person you meet and swear you’ve not only known, but known and loved for countless lifetimes before this one.

If you’ve found this person, hold on tight and never let go. If you’re not quite sure, take a look at these 10 signs you’ve found “the one” – after the jump!

Silence is comfortable

There's no need to fill empty conversational space when you're together. Sometimes the most is said in silence. 

You feel safe

A hug that feels like home with arms that leave you feeling safe, protected and loved. 

You trust

You trust this person with more than everything you own; you trust them with your heart. 

You're happy

There's no denying the happiness that has become you. The world is more beautiful than ever for the love you’ve found. 

You share life priorities

You both want the same things in life at the same times and you want them together. Never underestimate a shared vision of life in love. 

You can be yourself

You've found someone who celebrates all that you are, quirks and all. 

Everyone knows it

Friends and family notice the positive change in you as a result of your romantic relationship. 

You put them first

You put your partner’s needs above your own and they do the same for you, gladly. 

You laugh

Your partner has the unique ability to keep you smiling until your cheeks hurt. 

You just know

Far beyond all logic and practical reason, your heart just knows this person is your soul mate.

Keep it Simple: Tips from Happily Married Couples

..There's a lot of advice on what it takes to build a strong healthy relationship , but not all of that advice comes from the people who know it best: those in happy, long-term marriages. Of course each couple has its own rules and tricks they use to stay happy, but I've rounded up a list of general suggestions lovebirds can use to strengthen their bond with their significant others. Click through for 8 simple relationship tips from happily married couples!

Don't Take Things too Seriously

"I'm incredibly thankful for my husband. He's an amazing dad and he makes me laugh every single day. We've been together for 20 years, and married for 17, and my heart still does little flippity-flops when I see him. Plus, between the two of us, we're like one functioning adult."- Joslyn

Lean on Each Other

"He was a rock in the face of Hurricane Sandy, making jokes with the kids and keeping the mood light when we were all scared, yet securing our home, and putting precautions into place. After 20 years, no matter what terrible situation we are faced with, he always makes me feel less tense and nervous when I'm upset and comforts me when I need it most. I am so thankful for him in so many ways and this is just one of them." ~ Danielle

Be Kind to One Another

"My wife has one of the kindest hearts I've ever known, and because of that, she inspires me to continuously become a better person. For that, I am thankful." ~Aela

Laugh Together

"I am thankful that my husband has an excellent sense of humor and a thick skin, so he does not mind being the butt of the joke occasionally on my blog. In fact, he reads my blog every day." ~Ilana

Be Flexible

"I'm one of those special women who requires nothing short of demi-God who will understand and go with flow each time my mood changes, which is usually every 35 minutes or so. Fortunately my husband thinks I'm charming (moods included. Well, most of them, anyway), or at least he gets that it's just easier to smile and nod. Plus he keeps the kids out of the bathroom when I just need, like, five minutes to myself. It's the latter that makes me most grateful, but the former is nothing to sneeze at, either." ~ Meredith

Make Time for Intimacy

"So I could wax poetic about how Cody knows me better than anyone and how he picks me up and dusts me off every time I fall down. I could also talk about what a good father he is and how well he takes care of and provides for our family. But honestly? Right now I'm super thankful he's so fun to make out with. After 13 years I still love practicing making tiny humans with him. He makes my heart flutter and my belly tumble. I love him madly and he loves me. For this, I am so, so thankful." ~ Casey

 Keep Promises Made to Each Other

"Two years ago my husband Chris vowed to be my and my daughter's forever and always. Well before that he promised her that he would always be her daddy. He has always been careful with my baby's heart and went so far as adopting her so she could have his last name too, something she so wanted in addition to a daddy of her own. She is his baby too. This year we welcomed a new addition to our family and he loves 'his girls' just the same. My husband makes good on his promises and for that reason I am thankful for him." ~ Krishaan

How love keeps you healthy

It doesn't just make you feel good, it boosts immunity, fights disease and lowers stress. Soak it in and stay well.

Get in the mood

A fulfilling relationship with your partner helps you overcome your daily challenges-a difficult boss, rush hour traffic, rising prices and random rudeness from strangers-and multiplies your joys. You have  something (or someone) to fall back on every day (thank God!). You are calmer and securer. How could that not be good for you? But it's not just that feeling of high, or the sense of security that makes love so wonderful.

There's emerging evidence about the physical benefits of love too: sex, kinship and caring all improve heart health, boost immunity, lower stress and give that wow glow to your skin! In fact, it may not be long before doctors prescribe steamy sex, romantic getaways and compassionate communication in addition to a healthy diet, exercise and sleep. Sounds good? Explore love with your partner to bring on happiness and cash in on the health gains.

Love protects your heart

A 2007 study from the University of Pittsburgh found that women who are in good marriages or relationships have a much lower risk of heart disease than those in high-stress ones. "This is possibly because being in a loving relationship reduces stress, which is a major risk factor for heart disease," explains Dr Anil Mishra, medmedical director and senior consultant interventional cardiologist at  Kolkata's BM Birla Heart Research Centre.

It's equally beneficial for men: men who have sex twice or more a week are up to 45% less likely to have a heart attack and stroke than those who have sex once a month or less, according to several studies.

It keeps you disease-proof
Studies have shown that lovemaking increases the levels of immunoglobulin A, an antibody that is the body's first line of defence in fighting bugs that cause diseases and infections. This gives your immunity an overall boost helping you keep diseases at bay.

One of the most concrete pieces of evidence comes from a study by Carl J Charnetski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Wilkes University and co-author of Feeling Good Is Good for You. He measured the  immune function of 112 college students, many of whom were in close, loving relationships.

He found that those who had sex with their partner once or twice a week had higher amounts of immunoglobulin A than those who had sex less than once a week or not at all. Charnetski was, however, surprised to discover that the immune systems of those who had sex three or more times a week were comparable to the no-sex group. According to Charnetski, the possible explanation for this was that "couples who have sex just once a week are simply in healthier, more secure relationships and have  nothing to prove."

It helps you fight cortisol

"Research on the neurobiology of love has shown its impact on several hormones and neuro-transmitters," says Prevention advisor Dr Prabha S Chandra, professor of psychiatry, National Institute of  Mental Health and Neuro-Sciences (NIMHANS), Bengaluru. Romantic love, triggers the release of  several neuro-transmitters such as dopamine, neuro-hormones like oxytocin and neuro-peptides like endorphin, that have an overall bearing on stress and well-being.

"These happy chemicals have a positive effect on your cerebral (and physical) ambience and seem to dispel disease-and-stress-inducing negative chemicals," explains Dr Jitendra Nagpal, senior consultant psychiatrist, Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neuro-Sciences (VIMHANS) and Moolchand Medcity, New Delhi. The release of oxytocin, for example, evokes feelings of contentment, calmness and sense of security focussed around your partner. Combined, all of these help to reduce stress.

Sex, experts emphasise, is only one aspect of love, important, but not as powerful as the real magic in relationships-bonding. That sense of being united, even when bad times strike, is what Brian Baker, a psychiatrist at the University of Toronto, calls cohesion. And Baker's research has found that cohesion is crucial to both health and happiness (more than a good sex life!).

In one study, he tracked 229 adults under job strain. Though they had higher BP to begin with, spouses in pleasurable marriages actually helped to lower systolic BP by 2.5 mm/Hg over a 12-month period. He also found that happy couples seem to know almost instinctively that doing things together and spending more time with each other adds to their happiness (see Work Out Together and Come Closer). It's not that sex didn't matter to these couples. "It's one component of satisfaction, but at the end of the day it was  their emotional collaboration that kept the marriage strong," Baker adds.

It keeps you fit

Sex is a fantastic workout! Says Dr Sudhakar Krishnamurti, andrologist, micro-surgeon, sexual medicine expert, and founder of Andromeda Andrology Centre, Hyderabad, "A vigorous round of sex can burn mega calories!" Studies say it can vary from 85 to 200 calories depending on the intensity and duration. This is the equivalent of walking between half an hour to an hour on the treadmill. "If it's vigorous, the pulse rate rises to about 150, which is equivalent to an athlete's pulse rate at maximum effort. Plus, the sexual act builds the muscles of the pelvis, buttocks, thighs, arms, neck and the thorax," says Krishnamurti.

Mumbai-based Reebok master trainer Vinata Shetty explains that the pelvic floor muscles that you build through sex not only prevent conditions like urinary continence but also lead to improved core strength.

It makes your skin glow

Sex increases blood circulation which pumps oxygen into your skin, making it glow. "Also, when you are happy (and love does makes you happy, right?), your endocrine system (that regulates your hormones)  functions properly, creating a good oestrogen-progesteron balance that has a good effect on your skin," explains Mumbai-based dermatologist Dr Aparna Santhanam.

Get in the mood for love, people. Getting healthy will never be so much fun! 

Body Language Secrets to Attract Women 

It is said, ‘Attraction isn’t a choice’. You can’t force somebody to like you or get attracted to you (unless of course, you are in the possession of some Amortentia i.e. the love potion). But just like fortune, Cupid also favours the brave; so one needs to be ready when the right one comes along. 

The first step of attraction may be physical (looks, voice), but the key factor is surely communication. And only 10% of what we communicate happens through words; the rest is all body language. Getting the body language right goes a long way in making people like you. Here we reveal a few secrets on how to master this language and attract women.

1. Move your body:
Movements are important. Hurried, fidgety gestures and movements spell low-confidence. Moving too fast may make her feel intimidated. Controlled movements are signs of a confident men. This also gives the other person a sense of comfort.

2. Walk like a man
It is ‘key’ to have a good posture when you are walking. Walking with your head down or your hands in your pockets makes you look 'closed' and less approachable. Walk with your head held high and open up your shoulders.

3. Shine in your seat
When you meet and talk to people, you spend most of your time sitting. It is very important to give a relaxed impression. Lean back and make yourself comfortable. Don’t fold your hands, it signals that you’re shielding yourself and makes you look closed off.

4. Open up
When you are talking to a woman, you must not close your body. Palms should be open and Arms should be by your side. You should not cross your legs when you are in a sitting position. Crossing your legs or arms is also a signal of being ‘closed off.’

5. Its all in the eyes 

Make and maintain eye-contact. Women look for confidence and sincerity in a man and there is no one better to tell them about it than your eyes. Also keep your eyes from wandering off to ‘you-know-where’ when you are talking to her. Eye contact and glances can also be used to invite or express interest.

6. Smile please 

A smile is very powerful when used effectively. It is one of the first things people note about you when they see you. A good smile shows your confidence and enthusiasm.  

7. Intimate not uncomfortable

 If you think there is chemistry between you and her, its okay to be a little bold sometimes. Holding hands when talking or walking is good way to start. But don’t move too fast and make her uncomfortable. Give her the space she needs and look for the invitation signals.

Things We Learned About Love in 2012

 From Fifty Shades of Grey to William and Kate's royal romance, these are the best love stories of 2012. By Lauren Bradshaw

We still want the fairy tale.
On TV (Once Upon a Time) and in film (Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror, Mirror), we embraced badass princesses who require no saving from a guy on a horse. They win their happily-ever-after endings with grit and guts, which is actually how it works in real life.

The anti-dote to couple over-share: William and Kate
Other celebrities--and us plebes--could learn a lot from the royal newlyweds. Their sweetness in public (and their horror at having their private moments splashed across the tabloids) made their love feel that much more relatable. Hollywood, take note: Cute and classy is in.

Women are as "visual" as men.
From Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey wearing G-strings in Magic Mike to Ryan Lochte's low-slung swim tighties, there was a smorgasbord of eye candy this year, and we were loud and proud in our appreciation. The biggest takeaway here: Your husband doesn't care what's got you so worked up, as long as he reaps the benefits. (And if you're looking for new material to spark the home fires, Google pictures of Olympic rower Henrik Rummel... just don't do it at work.)  

Another key to making it last: matching outfits!
Mel and Joey Schwanke, who got press attention for the 146 custom-matching ensembles they own, say that coordinating their duds every day is the secret to their 65-year marriage. "We've worked together on [that]," says Joey. "In the morning we say, 'Well, what do you feel like wearing?'"

There's one more reason to be glad you're not 22.
Thank you, Girls--HBO's hit show about four friends navigating the post-college years--for reminding us how grateful we are to no longer be in a 20-something relationship. We'll take our well-worn marriages and demanding kids over sexting, hookup awkwardness, and "Am I doing this right?!" insecurity any day.

Twitter is for lovers.
The topic "how to keep relationship" trended worldwide earlier this year, with more than 883,000 tweets from such far-flung places as Chile and Mozambique sharing advice on how to make love last.

Ways to Get Your Man to Open up to You

Communication is critical for any relationship and your disappointment in your partner is understood when he hesitates to share his inner thoughts. You sure have an ear for your partner’s thoughts but making him speak his heart, especially if he is shy or introvert, will require you to put in extra efforts. Remember, lack of emotional communication is sure relationship killer.

Your disappointments at first are understood, but keep at it and let him find an earnest listener in you. Believe us, towards the end of the conversation you will know that it was worth it all. 

So, take a look at some of the ways that can help your man to open up to you. 

Lend an Ear and Speak Less

Most men think more than they talk, yet as his partner you should make an extra effort to give the voices in his head a nudge. Once he is ready for a conversation and channels those voices into organised thoughts, you must listen to him sincerely and validate them if required. Unless he feels heard he won’t make an attempt to even start a conversation the next time. Make it a point that you do not criticise at any critical juncture of the conversation.

 Don’t Judge Him

The fear of being judged lurks in every mind and while he is telling you his tale you better not judge him. He wants to be heard and will let go of pounding hesitation the moment he realizes that you won’t judge him. If he feels you’re judgmental he won’t open up. Allow him to vent and wait for the right moment to interrupt while he is talking, because this may lead to an argument. There is no need to correct the flaw (if you see one!) in his thinking and absolutely forget manipulating his intentions. Let him be!

Do not Advice or React but Discuss and Respond

If he is vouching on your opinion, try keeping a therapist’s approach. Instead of constantly poking him with the wrongs he is committing, put open-ended questions before him, so that he can place things in perspective and know the difference. This will motivate him to give sincere answers to the ferry loaded with questions in his mind. Eventually, you will have to give him enough space so that he resolves the tornado of noises in his mind.

 

Appreciate Him

Appreciating him for opening up before you and sharing his innermost thoughts will act as a positive reinforcement. If you acknowledge him genuinely he won’t think twice before talking to you. Guys are not all that complicated as we make it appear to be. And, the key is to let him define his space.

Soon enough, you’ll find that your man has taken down the emotional guard and initiates conversations with you. This is a sure shot sign that he counts on you and has confidence in the fact that he can be the ‘real’ him in front of you.

Say ‘I Love You’ without words 

In a relationship, displays of affection are a must, and rather than take the conventional path of saying “I love you” why not try something different? Try these new tricks

1. Note among Flowers
When it comes to confessing your love, you should leave no stone unturned. For men who feel awkward expressing their emotions verbally, gifting your ladylove a flurry of bouquets will work wonders. You can also give her a rose everyday for an assigned month to keep her guessing about your intentions. At the end of the assigned time, give her an ‘I love you’ note instead of the usual flower and watch as she blushes with delight.

2. Say it with a Song
If you’re a keen musician, professing your feelings during a public performance will be an excellent way. Compose a unique song for her or create a medley of popular love songs and serenade her in public. Belting out your emotions in a public setting will have her swooning with affection.

 3. Cook for Her
Women are rendered helplessly affectionate for men who, if cannot whip up a decent meal, can at least initiate the gesture. If you’re planning to confess your feelings to your sweetheart, put your culinary skills to use. Prepare a romantic candle-lit evening and enjoy gourmet delights in the company of your beloved. Bring out a frosted cake, just in time for dessert with your confession written in icing. Will this surprise not only knock her off her feet, but will be the best memory of her life too.

4. Treasure Hunt
A treasure hunt is the simplest yet most creative way of saying I love you, without sounding it out. Leave clues for her around the house, with each clue inexorably pointing towards the other. Let the final clue point to a piece of paper in your pocket. As she reaches for it, let her read your confession on paper. She will be pleasantly surprised and be swooning at your gesture.

 5. Love Letter
Nothing can match up to the age-old yet simple method of confessing your love. A perfumed love letter transcends all gestures to become the ultimate tool for letting your sweetheart know about your feelings. This is an excellent ruse for people who have a way with words. Write about how she makes you feel and be as honest as you can. Seal the letter with love and mail it to her. The day she receives the letter will undoubtedly be the best day of her life.

6. Say it With Jewellery
Nothing says ‘I Love You’ better than a piece of customized jewellery. If you are on a low budget and want to make a creative impression, you can handcraft a bracelet for her. Buy an inexpensive love-related trinket and wind it around a wearable piece of string. Pack it appropriately in a ribbon-tied box and let her revel in the emotions of the moment.

7. Shoot it
If you are feeling creative, shooting a sequence to show how much you care will work wonders. Double it up as a surprise and show up just when the video ends, in time to see the pleasantly surprised look on your partner’s face.

 8. Where you first met
The place where you first met has a lot of significance for any couple. And saying ‘I love you’ couldn’t be more heartfelt in any other place.

9. Write it in the sand
To make your expression of love memorable, why not pay a visit to the seaside for a date? You can write a love message in the sand when your loved one isn’t looking and when they turn around they’ll be in for a surprise. If it all goes wrong, tell them someone else wrote it and run for the hills. If it goes to plan –please say it goes to plan – take a photograph of it afterwards so you can frame it and remember the moment for years to come.

10. Be tourists in your own city
Plan and hit the zoo or an amusement park. You’ll have a ball while in the ride or watching the animals, and the best thing is that might also burn more fat walking around, than when you cycle in a gym.

Creative Questions to Ask a Date

Are you ever at a loss for words on a first date with a virtual stranger? You're not alone!

Unless you're endowed with the gift of gab, you and your date might end up in a staring contest, while you listen to the crickets in the background. Okay, it might not be that bad for you. But trust me, it's not always easy to be clever when you're nervous.

I'd like to help you out before that next big dinner or coffee by offering with some creative first date questions you can use if you need to stir up conversation. Use one or two on your date, and the conversation should begin to flow.

You can also use one of these questions in your online email correspondence. Asking a question in an email will increase your chance of hearing back from someone you have your eye on!

. What's a secret skill that you have?

2. What was your favorite childhood toy?

3. What's the best present you ever gave someone?

4. What's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in elementary school?

5. If your house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab to save?

6. What's your dream travel destination?

7. When you were little, what did you dream of being when you grew up?

8. What's one of your favorite books/movies? Why?

 9. What was your worst job?

10. What's the best advice anyone ever gave you?

11. Growing up, what was your favorite board game?

12. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

13. What was your best birthday ever?

14. What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

15. What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you?

What You Can Still Learn from "The Rules"

Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein dominated the self-help and dating markets with their popular book, "The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" in 1999. Seventeen years ago, their advice was read and internalized by thousands of women. But how much of their romantic instruction is still valid today? Let's go through a few of their rules to see how they've stood the test of time.

Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
In short, this rule was about being yourself and not attempting to copy those around you. Women were advised to focus on what they had to offer that was special and unique, and not to try to imitate those around them. This advice still holds true in today's dating world as men want to date a real woman, not an idealized fantasy. Don't worry about being super skinny, cooking the perfect meal or being supermom. Just focus on being you, and let that be enough. 

Show Up at Parties and Events Even if You Don't Feel Like It
Before online dating revolutionized the dating process, it was absolutely necessary to make the time to leave the house and meet people on a regular basis if you were attempting to find Mr. Right. Sometimes, this meant putting on your game face and venturing out for drinks, even if you weren't feeling very social.

While today you can interact solely from the comfort of your couch via your tablet, it's still a wise idea to spend some time getting dressed up, going out and socializing. Whether you're looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, your social life and your mental health will both get a boost out of making time for regular fun.

In an Office Romance, Do Not Email Him Every Time He Emails You Unless It's Business Related
We'd like to heartily advise against emailing him AT ALL from work unless it's business related. In today's job market, with so many at-will employment states, it's best to keep your business and personal life as far apart as possible. If you're dating someone at the office, keep in mind that many employers have fraternization policies, and still more keep careful tabs on every email their employees send. Stick to a personal email or text instead. It's much safer.  

It's a Fantasy Relationship Unless a Man Asks You Out
When it was written, this rule was to remind women that fantasizing about the man of their dreams did them no good, and that it was silly to waste this time unless the man had actually asked them out. We're moving into 2013 now, however, and this rule seems pretty archaic. If you're interested in a man, it's perfectly acceptable to ask him out for a drink or a meal. Don't spend your time waiting around for him to ask you, when you could be making the first move! 

Close the Deal
This is another rule that's outlived its usefulness, stating that if he hasn't proposed by the time the relationship hits the two year mark, he's not going to and you should move on. Statistically, however, more and more couples are opting for long term partnership and cohabitation instead of marriage. For some women, marriage may still be the goal, but for others who have lived with their partner for many years, a two year cutoff seems rather silly.

While "The Rules" was an excellent self help book when it came out in the late '90s, only some parts of this book have stood the test of time. Women looking for more modern relationship advice, who are in a nontraditional relationship or who don't have marriage as a goal would be wise to seek help elsewhere.

Reasons Why We're All Bridget Jones

By YourTango.com

Tarts and vicars, anyone?

Attention, Bridget Jones fans: We are v. excited that a new installment of our favorite awkward heroine is in the works! Helen Fielding has written another chapter in the life of the quirky Brit, and the book is scheduled for an autumn 2013 release. 

 For the uninitiated, Bridget Jones Diary - the tale of a desperate yet endearing everywoman and her clumsy and often hilarious pursuit of true love (or at least a good date) - debuted in 1996 and quickly became and international bestseller and cultural phenom. Two movies followed, with Renee Zellweger as our quirky protagonist, and single 30-something women everywhere found a fumbling heroine they could finally relate too. It was in Bridget's constantly adorable flaws - namely her fixation on her body image, awkward approach to dating and penchant for wallowing in her misery (who can forget her onscreen rendition of 'All By Myself'?) that we wach saw a bit of ourselves. We are all Bridget Jones to some degree - whether that makes us uncomfortable or not. Here are a few examples:

1. We go for the sexy d-bag. It's hard to not want to be with the hottest guy around. And when our crush actually shows an interest, the temptation to follow through can be irresistible - despite the guy's less questionable reputation and aloof behavior. Bridget's obsession with Daniel Cleaver (played by Hugh Grant in the film) is perfect example of our tendency to torture ourselves with Mr. Wrong.

2. We fall down. Both literally and metaphorically, we all fall from grace. Whether it's the result of a bottle of vodka or a heartbreak that is so devastating that our knees give out - or, in Bridget's case, a very unfortunate bunny costume misunderstanding - we've all found ourselves on the ground staring at the ceiling.

3. We're dumb when it comes to love. Seriously. Who hasn't had love stare them in the face and fail to realize it until it was too late? Sometimes it's just not easy to pick up on even obvious hints - like the fact that Mark Darcy was in love with Bridget the whole time. Then again, real-life Mark Darcys don't always look like a young Colin Firth. 

4. We tend to think that nice guys are boring. Who knows where it started, but women just love the bad boys. we all want the man who is challenging and infuriating at first; the one who probably sees us as nothing special at the beginning but yet we seem to win over right before the closing credits. Isn't that the dream after all? To be loved for even your craziness? In the words of Mark Darcy, "I like you just as you are." It's only after years of heartbreak that we finally understand that the "nice" guys aren't so boring after all. They actually give a damn, unlike the bad eggs.

5. We obsess about our weight. It's a painful truth, but many of us fixate on having a perfect (read: thin) body, often to our own pain and detriment. Bridget Jones would freak out if her weight surpassed 130 pounds - a perfectly non-fat size 6, in most cases.

6. We make scenes. Okay, so maybe most of us don't stage the epic scenes that Bridget Jones is famous for, but maybe that's just because we've learned from her mistakes because we've seen the movie too many times. Or because we're not fictional characters. Either way, we're all a little guilty of making the occasional dramatic outburst that we regret in the morning.

Communication is Hard...But Why?

 Why is communication so hard? 

How's this for a "duh" statement:

Communication in relationships, any relationship, is paramount.

What grown-ass person doesn't know that, right? It's the over sung mantra of every two-bit relationship coach and amateur therapist on this big blue marble. It's also an insanely shallow bit of advice for disconnected couples everywhere.

Sure, we want lovers of all stripes to talk to one another. And to be fair, just getting anyone, but guys in particular, to open up and address issues whether subtle or overt, can be quite a chore. But the coaching generally ends there. Which leaves us with two people talking at each other.

It's simply not enough to just talk. As a matter of fact, where people need to turn their focus is on mastering the skill of messaging. This is the true key to effective communication. And mastering this skill will not only improve your give and take in romantic relationships, it will also enhance the efficacy of all your interpersonal communication.

You hear people in many a conflict say, "What I'm hearing you say is…." That's all about messaging. By using this very simple phrase, you give the other person the opportunity to certify their message and validate their feelings. It's a great tool. 

But what happens frequently is the other person will respond, "No, that's NOT what I'm saying!" And then you'll spend the next 3 hours arguing about the way you communicate; you said this, he said that, he offended you when he said this, you offended him when you said that…a litany of tangential arguments ensues and the ultimate outcome is two people rubbed emotionally raw and nothing resolved.

Now, nothing I say here is going to solve everyone's communication issues and I won't even pretend to be an expert on the matter, but I will offer a few tips that have helped me be a more effective "messager" and more receptive to your partner's messages.

 

REMIND YOURSELF THAT THAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON

Never will be. So there will be many occasions, especially in a new relationship, where misunderstandings and misinterpretations will occur. Before leaping to the most negative conclusion and launching into an argument, assume that your partner isn't trying to upset you and ask for confirmation or denial of whatever conclusion you've drawn. The best arguments are the ones you never have.

SHOW SOME EMPATHY

Put yourself in your partner's shoes. By understanding their background (and baggage)you develop a sense of why they feel the way they feel. This understanding opens up the opportunity to validate your partner's feelings by saying, "I understand why you feel that way. I understand why that would hurt or upset you, and I apologize." Sometimes, oftentimes, our partners just want to be heard and/or understood. I think this is one of guys' most common communication mistakes. Women want acknowledgement, guys want to prove their point - which makes men oblivious to the obvious - ladies want that emotional validation. 

MOVE ON. TOGETHER

Once you reach a point where there's understanding, true understanding of one another's message, you have the liberty to simply disagree and move forward. "Honey, I understand. We just don't agree."

And partners must be willing to accept that they will not always agree. And this should NOT be taken as a personal affront. Sometimes folks simply disagree. And if you truly understand your partner, you understand why they see the world the way they see it and you understand how that world view informs their perspectives and opinions and feelings.

It all comes back to effectively conveying your message though. This must be the focus of your communication.

Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce

Divorce is a big deal. Don't do it before considering the answers to these questions.

 Whether it's Katie Holmes, Danny DeVito or Amy Poehler, celebrity divorces and breakups continue to make front-page news. Unfortunately, the average couple doesn't fare much better: approximately every other relationship is now bound for a breakup. 

As a therapist, I'm not one to recommend staying in hurtful relationships, let alone abusive ones, but I do believe that women contemplating divorce will benefit from looking at the issue carefully from all sides. Here's my list of top four questions to consider before filing for divorce:

1. What will I lose? Divorce means big change. It's a big deal; income, health insurance, homes - spouses come with a whole slew of things.

Can I make it on my own? Am I willing to make the sacrifices? Which friends will I likely not see again? Would I have sufficient social contacts or would I have to start over from scratch?

These may not be the deciding factors for you, but do take the time to carefully consider all the consequences of making this significant change. Even if these are not on the forefront of your concerns, you will need a plan to replace the things you're giving up along with your partner.

2. Will I be happier? You're probably really miserable right now, but keep in mind that divorce is very stressful, so it's certainly not a fast way to improve how you feel. Many divorced women are surprised that their unhappiness did not vanish after they broke up with their partner. Emma Thompson, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman are some recent examples among the many celebrities on record admitting they suffered from depression post-divorce. So take an honest look at yourself.

What thoughts and feelings come up as I imagine getting divorced? Do I predict emotional difficulties or mood changes in myself? Is the problem at least partially with me and will I simply take my unhappiness with me?

Having good resources such as friends, family, support groups or psychotherapy are crucial at this juncture in your life, both in figuring out what is best and to deal with the aftermath. 

3. How would a divorce affect my child(ren)? This is a really big one. Common sense says that a high-conflict marriage is worse than an amicable divorce but the latter seems to be the exception, especially when custody arrangements keep you locked in constant conflict with your ex.

A recent publication by Drs. Friedman and Martin, based on an eight-decade longevity study, fuels fears of the devastating impact of divorce on children. In my experience as a clinician, what's most damaging to children is a high level of conflict, so whether you divorce or not, if you have children, the two of you will have to figure out your communication. If divorce is inevitable, consider collaborative divorce mediators and co-parenting counseling to keep the conflict level to a minimum.

4. Have I done what I can? The desire to break up usually stems from not wanting to accept how things are going now. There is nothing wrong with that! Unhappiness can be a valuable indicator that something is wrong and must change. But what if you could learn how to express what's unacceptable for you in an effective manner and actually be heard by your spouse?

In many cases, there will still be time to divorce at a later date but there may not always be time to save your marriage. Make sure you've tried what's possible with your marriage before you call it quits. The issue right now isn't whether you're committed for life but whether you can commit to working hard for a while to try and see what can be saved.  

Once you have worked hard on changing yourself, you are in a much better position to declare your marriage hopeless when your spouse is not responsive. True, working things out is an uphill battle and you will likely need the help of a skilled professional, but since you are probably your own worst critic, unless you have tried an all-out effort to change things, you are much more likely to second guess yourself later and battle feelings of guilt.

No one takes divorce lightly and not every marriage can or should be saved. Everyone's circumstances are different and only you know your particular situation. The most important factor is to not make decisions in isolation but to get yourself the support you need and deserve.

The Benefits of Marrying Later in LifeThere are advantages to waiting out your twenties and thirties.

"Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is being the right person." -Unknown 

 I used to wonder if I would ever find true love. When I was in college, I thought I'd be married by the time I was 25. When 27 rolled around, I thought I would get married in my early 30s. Then I thought I'd be married by the time I was 35 years old. In hindsight, it's easy to see why it took so long for "the one" to find me and me to find "the one." I wasn't being the person I needed to be in order to have the love I desired.

I focused on my career for so long, assuming that my love life would fall into place. When I was in my late 30s, I began to understand that having a successful love life required conscious effort and focus. This was the beginning of many firsts: focusing more on my love life than my professional life, understanding the unhealthy relationship patterns I was repeating, learning to love myself and accepting my self-worth.

When I reflect back on my life, I realize I wasn't meant to take the traditional path. Mine was more of a winding path with many forks in the road. Although it hasn't been as direct as many other people's paths, it's been just as rewarding. 

I'm 46 and was married on June 8th, this past summer. One of the benefits of being an older bride is that with age comes a different perspective. I know if I had gotten married at a young age, I would have missed out on becoming my own person. Marrying at a later age has given me the benefit of knowing who I am and experiencing life as my own complete person.

If you've experienced many forks in the road, rest assured that these forks are for your greater good. Know that everything is working out in your best interest. Your difficult life and love lessons are opportunities to learn and grow from. Take the time to focus on your love life. Learn to love yourself and know your self-worth.

Keep walking your path and stay open to what the universe has in store for you. Remain hopeful - believe and know that you will have the love you desire. You'll find that love will be even better than you expected. 

A blessing or a curse: What is marriage really like?

I find it interesting that fairytales often end with weddings. The prince and princess have gone through hell and high water to be together, and the idea seems to be that marriage is the reward, the end of the journey. But what happens after they ride off into the sunset?

I'm not sure marriage is ever what anyone expects it to be when they make their vows. There have been days when I have felt quite disenchanted with the married life, as I face yet another pile of dishes that I don't seem to stand a hope of getting help with or find myself wishing my husband could read my mind. But yet, there have been other days when I have been absolutely floored by the unique strength of the relationship between a husband and a wife. I mean, think about it, two people pledging their lives to each other, promising never to leave the other's side. There is a lot of power in that promise.

When I asked married women of all ages from across the United States to describe what marriage is "really" like, it often came down to the attitude about that promise of partnership. Is it a burden and a chore, or does it present a daily opportunity to grow together, support one another, and build a life together? Maybe a little of both.

"On one hand, it's never being able to make any decisions without consulting someone else, getting cold because you husband stole the covers, and having your spouse drive you crazy with all their quirks. On the other hand, it's the joy of always having someone to talk things over with, having someone who is always there to give you a hug and kiss at the end of the day, and who loves you unconditionally. It's the most challenging, lovely thing I've ever experienced." - Sally C., Milan, Ohio

"In the end, marriage isn't just one thing, marriage is a moving entity that constantly changes and gives you new (or old) challenges to face. As long as you and your partner can face them together, then marriage works." - Lindsay W., Jacksonville, N.C.

"Real marriage is discussing who should make dinner. Real marriage is reminding your spouse to take out the trash and to empty the dishwasher. Real marriage is discussing bodily functions in too much detail. Real marriage is worrying about money and never seeming to have enough of it. But if it's a great marriage, you wouldn't trade it for anything in this world." - Rachel C., Columbus, Ohio

"An ever-evolving friendship. A fine balancing act. As one partner changes, the other must adjust and vice versa. It's like tuning a violin everyday." - Shelly O., Oklahoma City, Okla.

"Marriage is like an almost bad banana; it has both dark spots (the bad) and mushy spots (the good), and it's always worth the work it takes to turn it into something wonderful (thinking of chocolate-chip banana bread!)." - Lindsey R., New Orleans, La.

"Sometimes it is like living with a roommate, but with very occasional bonuses. On the plus side, that roommate is someone who knows you very well, who can anticipate your responses, and who needs very little explanation about your state of mind. I find that you ask your spouse if they love you very often, mostly because you need that extra assurance that although you are not madly in love with each other right now, you love and are loved by that one person more than anyone else in the world." - Stephanie R., Worthington, Ohio

"Marriage is hard work. Like anything worth having, you have to maintain it. Without taking time for each other, life can get in the way. Home, chores, work, kids, and pets all demand your time, and it's easy to let them take priority, but your marriage is the foundation for all those things." - Lindi A., Tuscon, Ariz.

"I've learned to love the small things in our relationship. I don't complain about not getting flowers or big romantic gestures, because when he makes my eggs the way I like them and in the shape of a happy face, I know how much I'm loved." - Casey R., Hilliard, Ohio

"Marriage is an act of completion. It really is joining forces with your other half. I know that we belong together, and without him, I would be incomplete. Marriage is knowing that even on your worst day, someone is loving the real you, flaws and all." - Jen G., Fort Thomas, Ky.

"Marriage can either be like having a horrible roommate that never helps with chores or bills and you can't stand coming home to, or it can be fantastic, a team of two people that are not only husband and wife but best friends and soul mates. Of course, if you want it to be the second one, it takes a lot of effort, love, determination, and communication. Thank God I at least learned that from going through my divorce!" - Karyn M., Albany, N.Y.